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Dungeons and Diapers - Chapter 5
🕑 Added 2020-11-12 06:20:32 +0000 UTCWritten as a commission for UberUser. Enjoy!
Sandra strolled into the bar, feeling so chipper she feared that she might break out into song.
Glancing over at the Bard in the corner, she eyed him warily.
He didn’t seem to notice.
Still, it wasn’t any magical enchantment that had her feeling so good. She’d just had a quest go right for a change, and they were about to get a hell of a paycheck.
The Guild Master in the tavern corner was identifiable by the subtly off-brown shade of his robes, the style of sword worn on his belt, and the ‘Guild Master’ pin he wore above his lapel. Sandra strolled over, pulled up a seat, and extended a hand.
“Guild Master Korrin?” she asked.
He nodded, shaking her hand. “Sandra, I presume.”
“That’s right.”
Guild Master Korrin beamed. “Fantastic work on that last job. The client was simply thrilled with the condition he received his fiance in. It’s rare that anyone’s so happy about a fetch quest being done correctly, but he said he was ready to put the guild on retainer as his new escorts for all his high-value shipping.”
“That’s great news!” Sandra declared. “We’re about to head up north, to the mountains, but once we’re back through here we’d be happy to pick up any of those jobs that are needed.”
“Of course.” He reached into an enchanted pocket to produce her payday. “Five hundred platinum, as the contract stated. Do you need change?”
“A little, to cover the tab,” Sandra agreed, leaning in. “And, actually, I need to commission a little work from the guild, while I’m here…”
She strolled back to the party’s table, dropping the bag of coins on the table. “Forty eight hundred gold, in various denominations. Eight hundred for the party pot, a thousand for everyone to keep.”
“Cheers!” Quinn raised his beer, and the rest of the party clinked mugs.
Tarja paused after sipping, and glanced over at Sandra. “Wasn’t the reward five thousand?”
“Two hundred went back to the guild, for some expenses,” Sandra explained, simply. “Finish up lunch here, then we’ll go shopping?”
Hadrian lifted his mug. “I’ll drink to that!”
…
The Capital shopping district was like no other.
Entire towns could have fit inside just the market square. Thousands of shops, maybe tens of thousands, peddled anything an adventurer could possibly need, whether they be level one or level twenty.
And, it even had stuff if you’d been cursed by a wizard who seemed more intent on humiliating his victims than hurting them.
“You need to replace your armor, eh?” the smith asked, holding up Hadrian’s existing armor, running his hands of the soft, silky pink lace that ran along the hem of its skirt. He was inspecting it with a pair of jeweled spectacles, eyeing the intricate weaving of magic that ran through the fabric. “How much do we have to spend, here?”
“Well… that armor still works, so I figured it’d have some trade-in value,” Quinn said, tapping his index fingers together. The rest of the party was milling about the shop, looking at this or that while he haggled. “And I’ve got some gold, though I’m not looking to spend all of it. I just want to replace the armor, after all.”
The armorer paused. “I may be able to resell it, or find someone to remove the curse… But it might be difficult. I suppose I could give you half its worth as trade-in value. Is that alright?”
“I guess.” Quinn did the math in his head for a suit of +1 Half-Plate. “So… what, just around six hundred gold?”
Staring at him, the smith said, “For +3 armor? It’d cost me more just to buy the raw materials!”
Quinn blinked. “+3? That’s +1 Armor.”
“No, it isn’t. You can see it right here, it’s +3… Well, technically, +3 with a permanent Glamour effect on it.” He pointed, tracing along invisible lines of magic that ran through the armor.
“Uh… that’s not right. I’m sure it was +1 when I bought it.” Quinn tilted his head, frowning. “Unless the merchant made a mistake.”
“Damned expensive mistake…” He shrugged, passing the armor back. “Anyways, I can do the trade for forty five hundred. Take it or leave it.”
“Well I don’t have that much,” Quinn said, staring at his armor. “But… well, damn. +3 is better than I could afford, anyways.”
The armorer shrugged. “Keep it, then. Buy a big coat or something to cover it up. It’s fine protection.”
Quinn nodded, thinking about it. “Do… you sell big coats?”
“Next shop over. Big and tall store,” he suggested.
While they were leaving, Sandra leaned over to the armorer. “By the way, do you carry any oils?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “What are you looking for?”
…
Pop!
The pacifier made a little suction noise as Sandra removed it from Hadrian’s lips, pocketing it for the moment. It didn’t really matter what she did with it, she could have chucked it in the trash or given it away, it’d still end up back in his mouth before too long, but she didn’t feel right throwing away a cursed object in a busy marketplace. Someone else might get in trouble, and she didn’t want that on her conscience.
“Fank… thanks,” Hadrian said, moving his mouth as his speech returned. “This shouldn’t be long.”
“Why are we in a… used jewelry shop?” Sandra asked, raising her eyebrow and looking around.
“Crafting supplies,” Hadrian explained. “Gemstones and precious metals come cheaper secondhand, and even if they need a little cleaning up and extra work, it’ll help stretch the supply.”
“I didn’t know you’d taken up crafting seriously,” Sandra wandered the aisle, looking at tarnished rings and old necklaces. “Looking to stretch the party funds?”
“More, looking to replicate some magic that I can’t find in stores.” Hadrian crouched to look at a pearl necklace, where several of the pearls had been lost and replaced with white beads. A red tag marked it as being on sale, and he picked it up.
Sandra hesitated. “You’re going to try and copy the Wizard of Paraphilia’s designs.”
“I’ll try. They make for devilishly efficient nonlethal spells,” Hadrian said. “It’s… complicated on the magical principles, and I don’t know if you’d care, but the short version is his magic is stronger than it should be because he’s woven in limitations to the magic. ‘Silence’ is a spell that lasts for mere seconds, or minutes in the hands of a skilled caster, but bind that magic to a pacifier focus and, well…” He trailed off, opening his hands in a ‘you get the idea’ gesture.
“I still don’t see the point in…” Sandra looked down, feeling her diaper squelch. The magic hadn’t refreshed in several hours, and she was starting to smell a little stale. “Some of his spells.”
“Preventative threat display, I assume,” Hadrian shrugged, picking up a jeweled bracelet to examine. “Given what we know now, tangling with him in the way we did initially was a terrible idea. Injuries can be healed, humiliation… not so much.”
A ring caught Sandra’s eye. It was just a plain band, but it’d been painted in the gaudiest colors she’d even seen, a thick, sloppy layer of pink and green lead paint that was starting to chip on the sides. She picked it up, weighing it in her hand.
“Shopkeep!” she called, getting his attention. “I don’t see a price tag. How much for the ugly ring?”
He glanced up from the novel he was reading. “No gemstones on it, yeah?”
Sandra nodded. “Just a plain band.”
Shrugging he said, “Two silver pieces, take it or leave it.”
She dug in her pocket for the change. “I’ll take it.”
…
The party stood around outside while they waited for Tarja to conclude her business.
“So, what’s the plan after this?” Hadrian said, looking around at the cluster of shops they were in.
Quinn looked up at the sky, squinting to get a sense of the sun’s position. “It’s almost afternoon, so… Lunch?”
“No, I mean in a more grand sense,” Hadrian clarified.
Nodding, Quinn understood. “You can get some pretty grand lunch here. There’s a restaurant on the south end of the market where you can get a whole roast pig for two gold.”
Hadrian sighed. “I’m thinking past lunch.”
“If you want to wait, I’m sure we could have the pig for dinner,” Quinn suggested. Before Hadrian could snap at him, he chuckled and put up his hands. “Just giving you a hard time!”
The two of them looked at Sandra, who was standing a few feet away. Over the smell of the marketplace, and the prestidigitation she’d done to cover things up with the smell of heavy perfumes, she was pretty sure nobody could smell what was in her diaper, but it was still a concern that had her distracted.
Noticing that they were looking at her, she said, “Erm… what was the question?”
“Where are we going after this?” Hadrian supplied.
“Oh, well… it’s getting late in the day, so, lunch?” Hadrian looked like he was about to throw up his hands in frustration, and Sandra grinned at him. “Kidding. I heard you before. For today, we’ll finish spending our well-earned wealth, shack up at whatever guild inn we find ourselves close to, and then in the morning I want to start heading further north.”
“Where too, exactly?” Hadrian asked.
“I don’t know. We’ll have to figure that out, later.”
She was being vague, and they noticed. Quinn raised an eyebrow. “You’re planning something, aren’t you?”
“Mostly, I’m being cautious, and I’m still piecing things together. We’ll talk tonight, at the Inn, once I have a better sense of things.”
Before Hadrian could ask any follow-up questions, Tarja stepped out of the potion shop. “We’ll have to come back here, they didn’t have what I needed on hand so they’re brewing it up,” she explained, looking between the group. Gaze settling on Sandra, her nose wrinkled.
“What?” Sandra asked, blushing and preparing to get defensive.
“Your perfume smells like an old grandma,” Tarja said. “And did you bathe in it?”
Well, it did its job covering up the other smells. “It’ll wear off in an hour or so. How long will the brewing take?”
“An hour or so,” Tarja supplied. “In the meantime… lunch?”
…
It took a little while for the party to get moving after they finished their meal. Nobody wanted to waste food, but a whole roast pig split four ways was a lot more meat than any of them could put down, even with Quinn doing his very best to try. Sandra’s diaper had cleaned itself before they started eating, and her prestidigitation perfume had worn off shortly after, so there was nothing to impede their enjoyment of the meal except for the subtle ache of being a little bit too full.
As they walked back in the direction they’d come, Quinn winced.
“What’s wrong?” Tarja asked, noticing the reaction.
“Hmmph,” Quinn grumbled. “Just… Kind of sensitive in the chest area.”
Nobody in the party said anything for a few moments, until Tarja asked, “Do you need to, er… do anything about that?”
“Like what?”
“I’m pretty sure I saw a shop selling home furnishings for new parents, they’ll probably have… you know. Nursing supplies.”
The half-orc blushed, but grunted his assent, and the party detoured, making a stop in the shop. The shop’s clerk glanced up, saw Quinn, and approached with a smile. “How can I help you, dear?”
Avoiding eye contact, Quinn mumbled, “I, um… I need something to help with nursing.”
“Alright, that’s simple enough. Would you like to come look at our options?” She gestured to a shelving rack, with various boxes and items set up on display.
Quinn frowned, uncertain what he was looking for. “I, um…”
The clerk saw an opportunity and took it. “Can I recommend the starting package? It’s got everything you could possibly need - a breast pump, bottles enchanted with a cooling spell to keep everything preserved, and several compresses with temperature-control enchantments on them, as well as a few other accessories.”
“I… um, how much is that?”
“Fifty gold,” the clerk said. “It’s a bit steep because of the enchantments, but you won’t find a better deal out there for these supplies.”
“Oh, I can do that.”
She beamed. “Do you have a bra with a good fit? That can help with any discomfort, and I’ve got several options on sale if you’d like to take a look.”
“I… erm, I’ve got one, I just haven’t been wearing it,” Quinn said.
“Well, I can’t advise you to keep doing that, but if you’ve got something, I won’t push you,” the clerk said. “Should we move this to the counter and get you checked out?”
“Yeah, okay.” Quinn took out his money pouch, counting off the gold. “Er… thanks.”
The clerk tilted her head as she wrote up a receipt. “What for, dear?”
Blush deepening, Quinn explained, “Not making a big deal out of… y’know.”
That got her to chuckle. “Oh, that? Sweetie, I get so many different kinds of people coming through here, I couldn’t even tell you. You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.” Sliding the receipt over, she added, “You get a complementary bath kit with the package.”
Sandra waited until their whole exchange was done and Quinn was ready to leave before she approached the clerk. “Hey, a question…”
...
While Tarja was paying for her potions, Sandra did some negotiating with the brew master. “Can we talk somewhere privately?”
“How do you mean?” the halfling asked, looking up at her with a quirked eyebrow.
“Somewhere free of prying ears. It’s… guild business,” Sandra said.
Once the brew master put together her meaning, he nodded. “In my back office.”
Sandra noticed the thin veil of magic protecting the office space. Once she stepped through the doorway, she asked, “We can’t be scryed on back here?”
“Not at all. What can I do you for?” The halfling pulled up a seat at his desk, gesturing to the chair opposite from it.
The chair was sized for a halfling. Not wanting to appear rude, Sandra sat, her knees almost bumping against her chin. “I need an invisibility potion, but I need it to be mislabeled.”
“Paranoid, are we?” the brew master asked, scratching his wispy beard hairs. “Got someone watching you?”
“I’m not certain, but there’s some concerns in that regard,” Sandra conceded. “We ran into some scrying a couple days ago and it has me paranoid.”
He nodded, thinking about it. “Invisibility’s not going to do you much good against someone with the divination chops for long-distance scrying.”
“I have some thoughts about that, too,” Sandra said, counting on her fingers. “How long will it take for you to brew, eh… seven potions?”
“You can pick them up in the morning,” the halfling said. “That work for you?”
“That’s perfect.”
…
Sandra flipped the dagger in her hand, testing the weight. It was balanced masterfully, and it even had some filigree on the handle. “Why’s it so cheap?”
“Cursed,” the weapons dealer explained. “The blade cuts alright, but it’s no good as a weapon. Any damage you deal to a living creature, it deals it back to you.”
That was a problem, Sandra had to admit. Flipping the blade around so she was holding the sharp end between her thumb and forefinger, she lifted it and flung it towards a target on the far end of the shop.
It struck home, lodged into the target with a heavy ‘thunk’ and a metalling ‘twang’. Raising her hand, the blade reappeared in her grip, ready to be thrown once again.
“How’s it do against constructs, then?”
“No harm when you use it against constructs,” the dealer said. “If you want a dedicated construct-fighting knife, it’s not a bad call.”
“Any other downsides?” she asked, balancing it on a finger.
“It’s not real gold on the handle,” the dealer suggested, shrugging. “We got a deal, or what?”
“Throw in one of those whetstones you’ve got on a display outside, and we’ve got a deal,” Sandra replied.
…
The rest of the day passed with the bustling excitement of a guild party with loot to burn. By the time they came back to the inn, they were laden with new trinkets, gear, rations, and supplies that had been running thin up until then. Potions were acquired, consumables reloaded, and everyone had come away with one kind of new toy or another.
It felt good to be well equipped again.
“Barkeep! A round for the table!” Quinn hollered, as they pulled up seats.
“And keep them coming!” Hadrian added.
They were all in a cheerful mood, and Sandra was more than ready to participate, but she didn’t want to get too distracted. “Before we get too drunk, we need to talk about plans,” she said.
“Plans, plans,” Quinn clapped her on the back. “Sandra, you’re always thinking. Can’t we take the night off?”
“She’s always thinking to make sure we don’t get into trouble,” Tarja pointed out, as a barmaid began passing out tankards of ale. “Though… I wouldn’t mind a break.”
“Talk first, then break,” Sandra said. “Give me twenty minutes, and I’ll cover our drinks for the evening.”
Hadrian lifted his tankard. “I’ll drink to that!”
“So, you might have noticed…” Sandra started to say. Before she could continue, someone tapped her shoulder. She turned, eye to eye with a grizzled looking goblin. “That was fast.”
The goblin muttered something, looking around. “Yeah, hmmph, yeah. Got what you wanted. Took a little work to keep it quiet, a little… extra work.” His voice was scratchy and gruff, but his implication came through clearly.
“You agreed to the guild rate,” Sandra rolled her eyes. “Give it to me.”
“Hmmph,” the goblin grumbled. Reaching into his vest, he pulled out an envelope. “Got a protection spell on it. Once you read it, it’ll vanish. Nobody’s eyes but yours.”
“Great. I’ll tell the guild master to pay you.” Raising her voice, she shouted, “Hey, Korrin!”
Korrin glanced over from his seat on the far side of the bar. He gave her a thumbs up, and she returned the gesture.
“Should be all set,” Sandra said. “Thanks.”
Taking the letter out of the envelope, she skimmed it, committing the details to memory. “Alright, this pretty much lines up with what I was thinking. Good to know.”
“What’s that?” Hadrian asked, leaning over to peek at the letter.
“Last known location of the Wizard of Paraphilia’s base of operations, a summary of his exterior wards, and details about the last guild member to take a crack at him,” Sandra explained, as the letters on the paper faded away. “Tomorrow, we’ve got some scouting to do.”
