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The Baby Bet - Chapter 4, Ground Rules
🕑 Added 2021-06-05 04:04:37 +0000 UTCI don't need to add in any extra context to this chapter, except to say that I've decided to start naming the chapters. I think that's a fun thing in novels and I want to do it here!
Chapter 4
Ground Rules
Grace sat on the living room couch, her arms crossed. “I don’t see why all this is necessary.”
“It’s nooot,” Melody said, in a singsong tone. “You shouldn’t be doing this at all.”
“But if you’re gonna go through with it, it’s necessary,” Brains said.
“Well it’s stupid,” Grace said.
“Agreed,” Pierce said, leaning against the mantle across from her.
“Well at least they agree on something…” Skip called. They were in the kitchen making after-work supper, but could hear everything happening in the living room.
The whole gang was here to mediate the bet.
“If you’re doing this, it’s going to affect the whole house. This is going to nip a dozen fights in the bud,” Brains said.
“And you really, really shouldn’t do this,” Melody added.
“Okay, fine, we need to figure out the terms,” Grace said. “That’s not what I was talking about.”
Brains frowned. “Then what were you talking about?”
“Do we really need the props?” Grace asked.
In true Brains fashion, he hadn’t just gotten a notepad to jot things down. He’d retrieved a whiteboard from the basement, and taken some visual aids and printouts from ‘expecting mother’ webpages.
“I wanted to be thorough,” he said, shrugging.
“Let’s just get this done,” Pierce said. “This thing is stupid anyways.”
Melody opened her mouth, then shut it. Pointing out, again, that they didn’t have to go through with what amounted to a pissing contest wasn’t going to get them anywhere.
“So,” Brains said. “The bet, from what I’m understanding, is this: Pierce will take care of Grace as though she were a baby until either he gets sick of caring for her, or until she gets sick of being cared for. Right?”
“Right,” Grace and Pierce said, in unison. Realizing they were in sync, she scowled at him, and he stuck his tongue out at her.
“Okay, well. Obviously we’re not actually going to treat Grace like a baby, ” Brains said, “But-”
“Hold it,” Pierce interjected. “I’ve got a problem with that.”
“Ugh…” Melody said. “What, do you think she has to do baby talk or something?”
“The bet is, until she gets sick of it,” Pierce said. “I’m not saying we gotta childproof the house or anything, but if she just gets a free maid and cooking service, she’s not going to get sick of it.”
“Okay. Some babying,” Brains conceded, looking at Grace. “Do you agree to that?”
“Sure. Whatever.” Grace shrugged.
Brains moved forward, pulling the cap off a magic marker. “Fortunately you both work from home, that makes things relatively simple. I think it comes down to four basic categories.”
Writing in big letters, he put down the first section.
FOOD
“Babies can’t feed or water themselves,” Brains said. “Obviously. Pierce, you will have to prepare at least three meals a day for Grace, feed them to her, and give her a minimum of six pints of fluids. The food has to cover all her nutritional needs and can’t cause any health problems. Grace, you can only eat what Pierce makes you. If you are hungry or thirsty, you will have to ask him to get it for you.”
“Define ‘prepare’,” Pierce said.
Brains frowned. “Eh…”
Skip, helpfully, piped up. “Two hots and a cold!”
“Okay, that,” Brains said. “You have to cook two meals, the other can be something cold like cereal.”
“And it can be whatever I want to feed her otherwise?”
Brains frowned. “I mean, it can’t make her sick, and you can’t make it wrong on purpose so it’s gross. No serving inedible food.”
“It can’t be the same food every day,” Grace added. “That’s the lazy way out, and you’re trying to prove you’re not lazy. I want unique menus.”
“Yeah,” Pierce snorted. “Sure. I’ll do that.”
“And when we say feed,” Grace said. “We mean, serve to me?”
“Oh hell no. I’m gonna do the airplane,” Pierce said, mimicking holding a spoon in his hand and moving it towards an open mouth. “I’m gonna do the choo-choo train, I’m gonna get extra with this.”
“That’s… actually a fair point,” Brains said. “He should have to feed it to you.”
“What if I’m eating an apple?” Grace asked.
“Silverware,” Melody said, her hand still covering her face.
Everyone in the living room looked at her.
“Grace can’t use silverware,” Melody said. “If you can hold it in your hand without making a mess, you can eat it yourself.”
Brains raised his eyebrows, looking between the two of them. “Fair?”
Pierce shrugged. Melody nodded.
“Okay.” Raising the marker, Brains wrote down the rules.
FOOD
Two cooked meals and one cold meal a day.
The food has to cover Grace’s nutritional needs, be palatable, and have variety.
Grace cannot make food for herself or pour drinks for herself. She can only eat food herself if it does not require silverware, otherwise, Pierce must feed it to her.
He must also ensure she gets six pints of fluids a day.
“Hold it,” Pierce said, stepping up and extending his hand. Brains passed him the marker, and he amended the last line.
He must also ensure she gets six pints of fluids a day, served exclusively in baby bottles.
“There,” Pierce said, passing back the marker. “I think that settles it.”
“You know that means more work for you, right?” Grace asked. “Those things are a pain in the taint to wash.”
“That’s settled, then?” Brains asked. “No objections?”
“None from me,” Grace said.
“This is gonna be hi-larious,” Pierce added.
“Okay then, next section.”
CLOTHING & HYGEINE
Brains paused, looking at the board. “Wait, shoot. That’s not right.”
Smudging out two letters with his thumb, he tried to swap the ‘I’ and the ‘E’ in Hygiene, but the marker didn’t come off clean and it looked more like a couple blobs.
“This one’s got two parts to it,” Brains said. “First, you’ve gotta make sure that Grace stays clean, and second, you’ve gotta make sure she’s dressed. That means daily baths, it means you’re responsible for her laundry, and it means you choose her wardrobe.”
“Rugrats run around mostly naked all the time,” Pierce said.
“When it’s appropriate, sure. But it’s early Autumn, and it’s gonna get colder. Besides, that’d defeat the point. You’ve got to ensure that Grace is dressed in clothes that are appropriately warm, comfortable, and appropriate for her surroundings. If she needs to go out of the house, that means dressing her in clothing that will be discreet and presentable.”
“I reserve the right to veto any outfits he picks,” Grace said.
Brains frowned. “That seems exploitable.”
“I reserve the whatsit,” Melody said. “Grace, if you think he’s dressing you up like a clown, you can ask me to judge. Hey, Skip!”
“Yeah?” Skip called back.
“If I’m not around, can you be the fashion police?”
“Sure!”
“There. Neutral judge of fashion,” Melody confirmed.
“And you’re fine letting him wash you?” Brains added. “To be clear, that means-”
“Fuck, Brains,” Grace said. “We’ve all seen each other naked at some point or another, and I trust you all with my life. Yeah, he’s gonna get to see a lot of me naked. Pierce is a slob, not a creep.”
“Thanks,” Pierce said, pausing. “I mean. Sort of.”
“Okay then, that settles that.”
CLOTHING & HYG■■NE
Pierce will bathe Grace at least once a day, and ensure she stays generally clean and sanitary. He will be responsible for ensuring she is clothes in appropriate outfits, factoring in temperature, circumstances, and whether she’ll be outside the house. Melody and Skip have veto power on any outfit she wears.
“Fair,” Grace said.
“Fair,” Pierce agreed.
“Next on the list, then…” Brains wrote up on the board.
BEDTIME
Pierce cackled with laughter.
“Hey!” Grace objected. “We don’t need that.”
“Babies don’t put themselves to bed,” Brains pointed out.
“We are definitely doing this,” Pierce added, grinning a ridiculous smile.
Brains just started writing it out.
Pierce will put Grace to bed every night, no later than 9:30 PM. Lights out will be no later than 10 PM. Once in bed, she can’t leave or get up except in the case of an emergency, until Pierce comes to wake her up, at a time no later than 8:30 AM.
“Wait, what,” Pierce said, reading that last part.
“HAH!” Grace barked, gloating with a childish singsong tone. “Someone’s gotta be awake in the morning.”
“Now, hold on, I don’t know if we need to do this after all,” Pierce objected. “I don’t-”
“Too late,” Grace grinned. “What, you want to just leave me in bed for eighteen hours a day? Not gonna happen, ‘I’m so good at baby sitting’ man.”
“What defines an emergency, exactly?” Melody asked, peering over at the board. She’d at least taken her hand away from her face, though her expression was still intensely dubious.
“Anything time-sensitive involving your job, any family crisis requiring an immediate response, and then obvious stuff,” Brains said. “Fire, injury, aliens.”
“Aliens?” Melody asked.
“Obvious stuff,” Brians confirmed.
There was just one section left that hadn’t been covered, one that Brains was apparently a bit hesitant to actually put up on the board. No more avoiding it, though.
DIAPERS
“So, yeah.” Brains said, sheepishly. “This one.”
“I still don’t care about the whole nudity thing,” Grace shrugged. “He can see my ass, I don’t care.”
“I guess the question is, how ‘baby’ do we want this to be?” Brains said.
“As baby as possible,” Pierce said. “She’s not getting out of this easy.”
Grace frowned.
(I was about to say that about him.)
“Then… Here, I thought about this already,” Brains said. “Just tell me how this sounds.”
Grace will wear diapers at all times, except when bathing. She will not be able to use the toilet.
While at home, she won’t be allowed to ask for a diaper change. Pierce will change her diaper before putting her to bed, after waking her up, and any other time that she needs a change. He will be responsible for knowing when she needs a change, though if anyone else besides Grace says that she needs one, he will drop what he’s doing and change her within ten minutes.
If she needs to leave the house, she may ask for a change before leaving. If she needs to be away for more than four hours, she may take a change with her so that she can change herself when needed.
Grace will not be allowed to leak or get a serious diaper rash. Grace will not stay in a
Brains paused. “What do we want to call it when she, uh, goes number two?”
“A poopy diaper,” Pierce snorted.
“Whatever,” Grace rolled her eyes. “I don’t care.”
Grace will not be allowed to leak or get a serious diaper rash. Grace will not stay in a poopy diaper for more than an hour for any reason, except if it’s during the period where she’s in bed at night.
He stopped writing. “That’s what I’ve got.”
“What if I don’t notice she’s been a poopy pants for more than an hour?” Pierce asked. “Like, if I’m busy and she’s in the other room.”
“That’s what checking is for, dumbass,” Grace replied. “Though, what if he doesn’t notice?”
Pierce rolled his eyes. “That’s what I just asked!”
“I mean - what’s the penalty for fucking up?” Grace asked. “Immediate forfeit?”
“You’re both going to fuck up,” Brains said. “That’s not a criticism. It’s just going to happen. I figured we could use a score system, and count the mistakes, and if either of you reaches an imbalance where you’ve screwed up significantly more - say, sixty percent more and at least five, then-”
“No,” Skip said, walking in. “That’s silly.”
Brains turned to face them. “Well do you have a better idea?”
“She’s a baby, he’s a babysitter,” Skip said, pointing a thumb at Grace and an index finger at Pierce. “If she screws up, put her in time out. If he screws up, dock his pay.”
“What pay?” Pierce asked. “You don’t pay me anything.”
“No, but we can make you chuck fifty bucks in the beer fund,” Skip said.
“Fifty?” Pierce said.
“Hey,” Grace said, smirking. “If you don’t want to pay up, don’t screw up. Or, when you screw up and decide you want to hang onto your cash, you can always forfeit.”
Pierce grumbled, which made her smile.
“I take it that means you’re okay with that plan?” Brains asked.
“If it means he covers our beer and does all my chores, absolutely,” Grace said.
Brains shrugged, writing it on the board.
If Pierce breaks any written rule, he will contribute fifty dollars to the beer pool for each mistake. If Grace breaks any rule, she will sit in time out for one hour per mistake, during which time Pierce is not responsible for any leaks or rash that occurs.
Grace frowned. “What’s with that last line?”
“You could get out of time out early by using your diaper on purpose,” Brains pointed out. “Which defeats the point of, y’know. Time out.”
“Why are we even arguing about this…” Melody said.
“I don’t think we are.” Grace got to her feet. “The rules are fair. Pierce, I’ll be impressed if you last two days.”
Pierce stood up straight, walking over to her and sticking out his hand. “And I’ll be impressed if you make it through the first time you’ve got to shit your pants.”
They shook on it.
