RuffWriter
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Chapter 669 unedited unmemed
🕑 Added 2021-01-27 14:05:40 +0000 UTCSorry for lateness, but tomorrows will probs be late too. Again, refunds available to anyone that asks, just pm on patreon and I'm more than happy to do it.
This chapter is again a bit of a rambler, but yea. Hope yall still enjoy!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DjUBwGxzNePtiy197Qix1gFpPF0VuUhpFOHvFVH7VZQ/edit?usp=sharing
Dealing with emotions is an exhausting endeavour.
I knew this already, but I somehow forgot just how tiresome it could be, to just sit there and grapple with all my feelings for hours on end. Okay, maybe not hours, since the last time I remember doing any grappling was before breakfast, but then somehow lunch and dinner came and went without me ever noticing and now I’m lying in bed with Yan and Mila. I don’t get it. Sometimes, seconds feel like hours and other times hours feel like seconds, a jarring, abrupt jump that throws me for a loop. How did I get here? Better question is why am I still here, because I shouldn’t be sleeping next to them. I can’t really control my actions, so who knows what I’ll do next? I should be somewhere else, preferably far away and under lock and key if I had my way, but I’m not sure there’s a prison out there that could hold me.
I keep going over this morning’s events in my head, and every time I discover something new and horrifying to fret about. I knew there were people approaching with ill-intent, though I’m not entirely sure how, but the important thing is that I didn’t know their ill-intent was aimed at me. I assumed as much, but I didn’t care, because I was just glad to have an excuse to blow off some steam. A cute euphemism for hunt and kill, because that is exactly what I set out to do, even hiding from my wives and protectors because I didn’t want them interrupting my fun. When did I start viewing combat as fun? A long time ago, if I’m being honest, because I never feel more alive than when I’m in the midst of battle. I’m terrified of it, and even more terrified by how much I crave it, and when I set out in the early hours of the morning, long before the sun had yet to rise, I set out with the darkest of intents.
That’s how I operate now, on intent and little else. I wanted to fight and kill, so I did, and this realization terrifies me most of all.
Admittedly my quarry turned out to be Wraiths, or at least some version of them sent here to kill me and the people I love. Sure, turnabout is fair play and one could argue that those Wraiths deserved death, but this came as small comfort after I realized I’d been intent on ambushing and killing the intruders before I knew who they were. I got distracted when I saw their Wraith blades and stopped to reconsider my options, but what would I have done if they were simple scouts or spies instead, people who are not exactly allies, but also not deserving of death? Would I have still killed them without remorse? Would I have hunted them down in the darkness, picking them off one by one until none were left, just like I’d envisioned? Would I have even stopped to ask one of them what they were here for?
I don’t think so, because the thought never once crossed my mind, not until after I woke up and found dear Akanai struggling with her decision. I always thought I was the only one who struggled with his emotions, or at least that everyone else had an easier time dealing with theirs, but now that I’ve tuned into the empathy airwaves and can somehow read everyone’s surface emotions, I’ve discovered that everyone struggles with their feelings in one way or another. As she sat there and watched over my sleep, Akanai was of two minds, one which demanded she protect me, and another that urged her to end the threat to her family. I could tell because she kept cycling between love, fear, guilt, and sorrow, all of which radiated off of her in powerful waves that Pong Pong and I can somehow sense. Ping Ping gets it too, which is how she knows who to trust and who to avoid, but I don’t think she’s can pick emotions up as well as I can. She didn’t even wake up when I slipped out to kill Wraiths, though I overheard someone mention how calm and relaxes she seemed, even after waking to find me missing. No idea why, but I lack the energy to care right now, because I am not entirely sure if Akanai made the right decision.
Were my actions wrong? Maybe, maybe not, but I know for a fact my intentions were, and intent matters. This makes me a clear and present danger to myself and the people around me, a ticking time bomb that is bound to eventually explode, but I would rather die than hurt the people I love. That is the conclusion I arrived at after sensing Akanai’s struggle, because she knows this but cannot bring herself to do what needs to be done. As I am now, I might as well be an ignorant child carrying a loaded gun with no safety or trigger discipline to speak of. What else would you call a powerful Martial Warrior who is unable to control his actions or emotions? That’s me, and I can understand why everyone was so afraid when they caught me sneaking back into the manor. In retrospect, they only spotted me because I saw them first and was surprised they were all up and about, but I doubt things would’ve gone better if I slipped back into bed unnoticed, especially since I doubt I would’ve washed up beforehand.
Not because I liked being covered in blood and guts or anything. I’m not that far gone, not yet I don’t think. I just didn’t notice it anymore because the smells and sensations were bothering me, so I filtered all of it out mid-fight and forgot all about it.
Akanai wasn’t the only one struggling with inner conflict this morning. Mom was the same, though hers was fiercely protective as well, no doubt readying to fight against anyone who might wish to do me harm. She saw the danger as well, but she would entertain no thoughts of standing by while others did away with me, even if it meant coming to blows with her Mother-in-Law or powerful Mentor. Dad was mildly conflicted as well, but he was not yet convinced stricter measures were necessary, blinded as he is by his love. I tried to tell him I was sorry and that I would understand, but all that did was make him crumble and falter, as he lacked the strength needed to follow through. I don’t blame him either, because I can’t do it either, else I wouldn’t be here in bed with Yan and Mila. If I were strong enough to set out on my own, I would go find a deep dark pit to bury myself in, but I cannot bear to leave my family, not again. Besides, somehow, I feel like me running away would only make things worse, because then I’d be back where I started, hiding away from all the pain and misery because I cannot stand to live through it any more. I can’t keep making the same mistakes, so I need to trust in my family to do what’s right.
Unfortunately, I don’t think they can, because they all love me too much. The bard had it right; Love makes fools of us all.
Then again, he also said, “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind.” Perhaps they see something I cannot and are right to cling fast to hope, but I fear for the worst and worry they have done nothing to prepare. At a bare minimum, I should be locked away and kept under strict guard until I can control myself again, because so long as I am bound to my whims and beholden to instinct, I am a threat to everyone around me. Sure, I’m happy now cuddling with floofs and snuggling with family, but what happens when I grow bored of this and seek out yet another thrill? Will I start looking for reasons to fight, perhaps even seek out the Enemy and lead who knows how many people to their deaths? How will I react if someone slanders me to my face or ogles my wives? What if I mistakenly perceive someone as a threat and act before taking all the facts into account? Even if I’m right, I could easily accidentally hurt an innocent in the process. Given time to prepare, I sure even my instinctive self will act with caution, but unlike early this morning, I won’t always be ready for my opponents, and with the power I wield, I fear what I will do when surprised.
Worst of all, I’m not sure I could even stop myself from acting if I wanted to. At times, it feels like I’m not living my life, but watching it play out like a movie and only registering what happening after the fact. I didn’t build up the Mountain Collapsing Stomp and anticipate its use, no, I just used it without conscious thought. I harboured violent intent and unleashed significant devastation, all without it even actively considering my actions, so who’s to say I won’t do it again? How many times have I randomly wished harm on someone, without any intent whatsoever to act on it? Countless times, that’s how many, but as I am now, I’m not sure if I can differentiate between wistful thinking and meaningful desire. I feel like hugging Mama Bun, and she’s already nestled in my arms. I want to snuggle up beside Aurie, and the big wildcat is already leaning heavily against me. I wanted to show Tate what he was doing wrong, and then the next think I knew, I was drained and exhausted from a long morning of intense personal lessons with the twins, Luo-Luo, Yan, and even Alsantset.
My sister is a happy housewife and loving mother, but she is as battle-hungry as our father, if not more, a trait which runs it the family it seems. How curious considering none of us are actually related, and it might even be kinda cute if were were talking about almost anything besides an unquenchable thirst for mayhem and bloodshed.
Sparring with Alsantset and sitting down for breakfast are the last structured memories I have, and I can’t figure out how I got here or how long it’s been. I went from worrying about the danger I presented to friends and family, to sharing my knowledge about adapting the Forms through physical instruction, but the worrisome part is that I never even registered the inconsistency between my thoughts and my actions. Those lessons could have gone horribly wrong, and there’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent it, because I didn’t even realizing what I was doing until I finished ‘teaching’ and sat down for breakfast. This just proves I need to be locked away and kept under guard at a bare minimum, because I am not in control. What happens when I get frustrated because someone doesn’t understand what I’m trying to tell them? What will I do when the flames of desire reignite in my loins? How will I react if I see something I want but cannot have? I love my family, and I would sooner die than hurt any one of them, but I am not in control anymore, which means no one is safe, not while they’re around me.
A shame only Naaran has the determination to act, but not the authority to do so. The poor man is haunted by the echoes of past grief, so intimate and familiar with his pain it was akin to an old friend, and this morning, he saw history gearing up to repeat itself all over again. I don’t know what happened, but he lost several friends and loved ones to this pain, and is now resigned to possibly losing more. We all have our trials and tribulations, but I suppose I’m the only one who incessantly mopes and whines about it. The more I learn about the struggles of the people around me, the more I am convinced that I was never meant for this world, but I’m here now and I’ve come to love it, so I’ve no choice left but to adapt.
The alternative is to fail and die, which wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but I’d really rather not. I want more time with my loved ones, more snuggles with my floofs, more floofs to love, and so much more.
First things first though. Since no one wants to lock me up, I suppose I should take measures to keep everyone safe. I should go sleep in the living room, because at least there, I don’t have to fret and worry about my inevitable desires.
Despite intending to slip out from under the covers, my body refuses to comply, as it is exhausted after a long day of doing nothing. Well, not entirely true, now that I think about it, as I seem to recall going swimming at some point. Ping Ping and Pong Pong were there, and so was Sir Inky, who is having a grand old time living out here in Central, without a natural predator in sight. I also recall visiting Taduk at some point during the day, and trying to get to the entire colony of groundhogs living underneath his garden, though Mom thwarted my attempts to burrow down and greet them. I was not too happy about that, but thankfully I didn’t lash out, though I’m worried I eventually might if I don’t get my way soon. The desire to see those groundhogs is powerful indeed, even now from so far away, because even though I love all my floofs, I need more floofs to love. That’s all there is to it, and it will happen eventually, but thankfully, I was too tired to do anything about it then, and still can’t find the strength to sit up now.
Is there something wrong with me? Why did I spend the entire day running on autopilot in a waking fugue?
More details come to mind as I set out to unravel this mystery, but I’m not entirely sure if these memories are real or imagined. I think Mom was with me for almost the entire day, and I know Naaran was too, but I remember climbing a tree with Blackjack and Guai Guai and noticing Lin-Lin, Yan, Mila, Luo-Luo, and Song were missing from the courtyard. I wanted to see how’d they react, I think, but I couldn’t find them and almost went looking until Banjo and Baloo scampered up the tree to join me. I’m not sure the girls were gone for a minute, an hour, or even longer, but the next time I saw Mila, she was full of enthused determination, ready to get to work on something that she thought might bring a smile to my face. I also think Dad came back at some point, all full of concern, tension, and anticipation, but he’s no longer in manor now, assuming I didn’t just imagine this.
All of those things may or may not have happened, and in no particular order either. I also feel like there’s a lot that I’m missing, but once again, I cannot quite place what exactly it is, only that I know it’s hidden in the wind rustling through the treetops, the water bubbling in the river, and the shadows cast across the plains, but also the splay of Blackjacks whiskers, the glint in Aurie’s eyes, and the cadence of Guai Guai’s ambling gait. It in the same vein as how I knew enemies were approaching my position, how I could tell Tate’s movements were wrong, and how I can sense distant unrest in the air tonight, a subtle knowing without knowing that pervades my consciousness and refuses to reveal its tricks.
This is just more mystical bullshit I don’t have time to parse through, because the fact that my memory is so spotty fills me with fear and trepidation. Seeing how I just fast forwarded through an entire day, it seems I have even less control than I thought, and while I didn’t do anything bad or embarrassing, I can’t just assume all my future actions will be harmless and days will be uneventful. I need to figure this all out, and sooner rather than later, so let’s think about this logically. My body seems fine, though I remember eating a lot, probably to replenish everything I used up Healing during my hard-fought battle against the Wraiths. My mind... is asleep right now, I think, because otherwise, I probably would’ve sat up when I tried to, which means this fatigue I’m feeling right now does not originate from my body or mind, but rather the soul.
Which... makes sense? I dunno man, it’s a soul. How does it feel tired? How am I even using it to think? None of this makes any real sense, but if I can use my soul like a brain, I suppose it makes sense that the soul can feel tired too. The question is, why? Why would my soul be tired? Did I do anything particularly soul draining? I didn’t do any severing, but I guess I have been... I dunno the best word for it, but ‘utilizing’ my soul pretty often, assuming I need to utilize it in order to incorporate all my emotions and experiences. I figured it’d be like filling up the gas tank, but emotional exhaustion is real, so I might well be suffering the aftereffects of something similar to that.
Or maybe it’s because I fought those Wraiths and taught a series of lessons on the Forms. I know there’s a link between the soul and Heavenly Energy, and considering I can’t really explain how I Cloud-Stepped around, reforged my sword, or anything regarding my lessons in words, then it stands to reason I wasn’t using my brain to do any of that. I just... did them, just like I knew Tate’s movements were wrong, something that was obvious at first glance when compared to how Princess, Banjo, and Baloo were moving, so I tried to help Tate. That’s all, I think, though I can’t really say what needed fixing or how it got fix, just that it did. It’s disconcerting to act on impulses I don’t entirely understand, even if it was in a positive light. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I acted in a negative way, like if I smacked Tate for doing something wrong or...
Or killed my child because they were too weak to survive.
Is this the struggle Guan Suo went through while holding baby Mila in his arms? Knowing she was a perfectly healthy baby while suppressing an incessant urge to end her ‘misery’? If so, then I don’t blame him for giving her up, and I’m shocked he even tried to raise her, because I cannot imagine anything that would make me feel like more of a monster than an urge to end a child’s life, much less a child of my own. This doesn’t really explain why I’m having similar urges to act on instinct, but I pray to the Mother Above that I don’t come across a herd of pigs or bump into a group of bristleboars, because then shit is going to go down.
And so we’ve come full circle, back to the realization that I am a danger to everyone around me. Fear gives me the strength I need to slip out of bed, once again utilizing Concealment to keep Yan and Mila from waking. Mama Bun notices immediately, as I made no effort to hide from her, because even though I’m scared of what I might do, I don’t think I can fall asleep without holding her in my arms. Ping Ping comes along too, radiating happiness as I lift her out of bed like a platter on one hand, enjoying the unfamiliar weightless sensation of being carried through the air. As for Aurie, regrettably, I’ll have to leave him behind tonight, because there’s no way of getting him out of bed without waking either of wives, not with him burrowed under the blankets and splayed out over their legs. It’s fine though, I can’t monopolize all the floofs every night, though I do think there aren’t enough to go around. Not a problem either, because there’s an entire colony of groundhogs just waiting to be brought into the family, and so many more floofs out there to love.
I’m thinking another weasel-bear, a friendlier one than Princess. Some floofs are monogamous, and Princess is Song’s, so I just have to accept this and move on. Oh, also, I definitely need a dog. Can’t believe I don’t have one yet. It’s crazy.
As I step away from the bed, I encounter an obstacle to my escape, something stuck fast to my arms and holding me back. Gently tugging a few times in an effort to free myself, I belatedly notice someone tied a silk cloth around my wrist. Tracing the restraint back to the bed, I find a smug Yan sitting up in bed while grumpy Mila turns to face me, with the other ends of my bonds fastened tight to their wrists. “What’s the matter?” Yan asks, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she makes her way to my side. “Do you need to use the bathroom?”
As I set to deciphering her words, I’m struck by how dazzling she looks illuminated by the moonlight streaming in from our bedroom window. No, this isn’t our bedroom, only a borrowed one, but it is ours nonetheless, and it still comes as a surprise that this beautiful, confident, mischievous beauty would ever want to marry me, much less share me with another equally amazing woman. Mila’s beauty takes what little breath of mine remains, so ravishing and vulnerable as she lays there in bed, wishing I would slip back under the covers with her. Their love is overwhelming, as is their concern, but not overly so as they’re only worried I might slip away and get into trouble again. I sense no suspicion in their gazes, and only a little fear, not of me, but for me, as these physical bindings were put in place not to restrain, but to protect. Neither of them have any intentions of stopping me if I want to leave, they only wanted to know if I do.
They don’t understand what’s happening any more than I do, but they trust me far more than I could ever trust myself. They believe they have nothing to fear from me, because they know I would never intentionally hurt them. They’re not wrong, but how can they be so sure about it when even I don’t know what I’ll do next? I could move to swat a fly and accidentally shatter someone’s spine, that’s how strong I am now, but neither of them seem concerned in the slightest. Come to think of it, I would expect as much from my wives, and Lin-Lin is the same, but why didn’t Alsantset freak out when I set out to teach Tate and Tali? Looking back on everything that happened, she didn’t even blink when I moved from her side, and she even signalled Naaran to stand down. She knew I wouldn’t hurt Tate, and sent Tali for another lesson, but how could she know?
Time passes and I find myself back in bed, once again wondering how I got here. Parsing through what memories I can find, I realize that I never answered Yan’s question, as I was lost in my own worries. She brought me to the bathroom anyways, and patiently waited for me to do my business, even gave me a bit of privacy by letting me go in alone. I was still tied to her wrist of course, but she stood outside the door, which is probably for the best considering I still haven’t gotten rid of all the broken-down Wraith poison in my system. Actually, now that I think about it, that might be why Yan let me go in alone, which means she knows I was about to expel some real foul shit, both literally and figuratively.
Oh god. This is mortifying... and now I feel horrible for making so many jokes at Luo-Luo’s expense... Then again, I still find that tandem pooping fiasco hilarious. Am I terrible person?
After my bathroom visit, Yan brought me back to bed, never once mentioning anything about the fact that I was clearly trying to get away, since she knows I would never bring Ping Ping and Mama Bun into the bathroom with me. Mila didn’t say anything either, except to call me an idiot and tell me to go to sleep, all the while radiating warm love and tender forgiveness for disturbing her precious slumber. Gingerly placing one arm and leg atop me, she nestles into my shoulder and is asleep before the blankets even settle over her shoulders, placed there by Yan who snuggles in close on the other side. Catching my gaze, her smile lights up the room as she touches her nose and forehead to mine. There are no words shared, spoken or otherwise, but her message comes in loud and clear, the same as Mila’s beside me.
“I love you.”
Three, simple, magical words that say so much yet are never enough. I love Yan and Mila too, and just having them here beside me fills me with strength and determination, because I made a promise to them both. I told myself I would spend my life making sure they were loved and cherished, a promise I almost broke when I tried to run away. Whatever is wrong with me, I need to fix it, else I won’t be able to hold my wives in my arms and tell them how much I love them. I would make the same promise to Lin-Lin, but she knows I love her and will most likely never let me forget it, because she’s different from anyone else I’ve ever met. Not everyone can be as enlightened as my wifey though, as Mila and Yan are unable to match Lin-Lin’s boundless optimism and thus subject to mortal failings, terrible things like doubt, apprehension, and general jealousy. Thus, I must work harder to make sure they know they are both loved, because if they ever feel unloved, then I will have failed as a husband and human being.
And so, even though the message comes far too late after they’ve both fallen asleep, I whisper, “I love you too.”
I’ll say it again when they’re awake, and say it as many times as they need to hear it, but words are not enough. I need to figure out what’s wrong with me, and now that my Intent is clear, I believe I may have a clue.
Closing my eyes, I open them again inside my Natal Palace, and find Ping Ping, Mama Bun, and Pong Pong waiting to greet me. After a chorus of sweet kisses and happy squeaks, the two similarly sized turtles race out into the lake I made for them, while my sweet bunny hops after them atop her magic raft, one that stays under her feet and keeps her from falling into the water as she chases the turtles with glee. Taking a seat on the pier, I let my feet dangle in the water and watch their joyous antics with glee, especially jaded Pong Pong who is enjoying himself so heartily. All three of them were here this morning too, so I did a bit of remodelling, and it only now occurs to me that this might well be another reason for my fatigue, though I’m not ready to rule out my other suspicions.
I can think more clearly in here, without the long delay between thought and action or the distraction of the waking world, and as I puzzle through all the clues I’ve picked up along the way, I feel the pieces falling into place. Fact: there is a disconnect between my soul, body, and mind, with the first detached from the latter two. I thought it was because I severed all connection with my body, and while this is partially the case, I also forgot to take into account my refined body and newly formed Core. During the reformation process, I noticed several imperfections in my new Core, imperfections that would have limited my progress along the Martial Path. Although I don’t remember the exact specifics, I know the problem lay in the fact that my new Core would not be able to withstand the added ‘pressure’ that comes from advancing along the Martial Path. The reason for this was because I’d severed so much of my soul away, it was no longer a compatible match with my Core. I fixed those problems, made it so my soul and Core would integrate seamlessly, but then I saw what my divested Natal Souls had become and Devoured them all, thereby changing my soul yet again.
In short, it’s like I’m trying to squeeze myself into a tux fitted for a leaner, shorter, version of myself and complaining about a lack of circulation. My soul is just too... I don’t want to say large, because that’s not right, but it’s just not the right match for my Core.
So this is great and all, but it still doesn’t change the fact that my soul is not suited for my Core. The connections aren’t right, so I need to fix them first. How do I fix my Core? How did do it the first time around? Well... even though I fixed it, I don’t think I actually... fix fixed it, like I didn’t sit down and map out every bump and divot on my soul before shaping my Core to match it. I just... I just directed the Energy of the Heavens to work, and it knew exactly what to do.
The same way I reforged Peace.
The same way I use Panacea.
Curious that. I’ve been searching for answers all this time, and I might have already figured it out. I do remember there being something pivotal about Panacea while helping Ping Ping with her ascension, but I also remember calling it by another name. Can’t remember what it was, but I think... I think I felt like that wasn’t entirely right either, that Ping Ping’s Path to Divinity was ultimately flawed, just like the Martial Path. Not to say I believe the Eight-Fold Path is the right answer or that I even know what the right answer is, but I think both humans and animals are working towards the same goal, only doing so in a less than ideal way.
Despite my misgivings about this Path, I set Panacea to Healing my Core and settle in to watch it work. This will take time and constant effort, but it’s not like I’m short on either. I’m worried I won’t remember some of this when I wake up in the morning though, because here in my Natal Palace, I exist as a soul, while I only have access to part of it out in the waking world. That’s another reason for the disconnect, because all my human hardware is working on incomplete and fragmented software, sort of. No matter though. Even if I don’t remember, at most, I’ll fret and worry some more, because that’s what I love to do, but once I go to sleep and come back here, I’ll be able to get to work again.
I just hope I fix everything before I fuck everything up again. The child with a gun analogy comes to mind again, and it’s chilling how woefully inadequate the comparison is, because I am much stupider than a child and far more dangerous than a gun...
With time and luck however, I should be fully functional again once my Core is fixed and integrated with my soul again, though I’m not sure how strong I’ll be. It’s clear from my fight against the Wraiths that I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, able to use Chi more efficiently and effectively then ever before. I believe this is because of my brief brush with limited omniscience, because even though I tried to stay focused on the important things, my mind tends to wander and ask questions even at the best of times. What is limited omniscience besides Insight, Inspiration, or Awakenings by yet another name?
That said, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows ahead, because as great as Insight is and all, it’s not the same as comprehension, and I would much prefer the latter. In fact, I think comprehension is absolutely vital if one wishes to follow the correct Path, even if I’m not sure what that Path might be, though mostly because I lack comprehension. I know this due to yet another bit of Insight, an answer without explanation, which does little to help me find the solution on my own. I know the end goal, but the steps along the way are every bit as important, but Insight failed to tell me where my feet are supposed to go.
It’s like cheating at math. Having the answers gets you the right marks, but if you never figure out how to add and subtract on your own, you’re gonna have a real problem on your hands when it comes time to make a budget, do your taxes, or complete any number of regular, mundane tasks.
And so I’m left to ponder this mystery on my own, but I’ve already gathered all the necessary pieces, I just need to put them together in the right order. Currently, a good portion of my problems stem from the incompatibility between Core and soul, so maybe I should start exploring why. What is a Core? While I’m hazy on the specifics, Dad explained that the Core is not merely a vessel for holding Chi, but also what separates mortals from the Heavens beyond. Essentially, I took this to mean the Core is part and parcel of the soul, and that which differentiates mortals from Divine Beings. True Divinities, that is, not the false Divinities like Ancestral Beasts and their human peers, but rather creatures like Ping Ping and Pong Pong who have surpassed the limitations of mortality. Granted, they’re not gods, but who’s to say godhood is even possible? Perhaps True Divinity is the pinnacle, and all this talk of the Mother and Father is just humans being humans and seeking solace in a higher power that may or may not exist.
I am not sure if the Mother and Father exist, if godhood or ascension to Nirvana is even possible, but I don’t care. To me, True Divinity is simply a power level, like Peak Expert only better. Thus, in order to ascend to Divinity, I must first become a Peak Expert before moving onto the next step, which according to Dad is to Shatter the Void. I once hoped that this meant to shatter the Core and embrace the Void, but I now see I was mistaken. That is the path of nihility, of oblivion, of empty nothingness, so how can it possibly lead to Divinity? Nothing is wrong with the Eight-Fold Path, only my interpretation of it was flawed, because I desperately wanted all my pain and suffering to end, even if it meant an end to everything else. A good thing I couldn’t let go, because I think I know the answer now.
To Shatter the Void does not mean to shatter the Core, which itself is part and parcel of the soul itself, but rather to shatter the barrier between mortality and Divinity.
And what is this barrier?
Well, to answer one question with another, why do mortals require a Core in the first place?
Why, to utilize the Energy of the Heavens, albeit in the form of Chi.
So how can a Core not be suitable for a soul? I’m thinking the Core is like a piece of hose or tubing, one that connects the source, Heavenly Energy, with the destination, the human soul and wherever else the user directs it. So long as my soul and Core are properly fitted, any change in one will affect the other, which is where I derped and screwed up, not accounting for the fact that mine were separated.
So what does all this tell me?
Humans tap into the Energy of the Heavens using a Core, which is a tool we’ve crafted to allow us to compete, but in order to become a Divinity, I believe we must learn to utilize Heavenly Energy without the use of a Core, thereby Shattering the Void and eliminating the final barrier between the human and the Divine.
I mean... it makes sense, right? This is probably why animals have an easier Path to Divinity, because like I once suspected, animals never form Cores in the first place. They learn to harness the Energy of the Heavens at will through need, visualization, and intent, a methodology which is obviously not perfect as it limits them in many ways, but it also paves the Path to True Divinity, or at least some form of Divinity. I was close to understanding this during the withdrawal from Castle Jianghu, when my body lay comatose on the battlefield while my soul flew free overhead, but while I was freely harnessing the Energy of the Heavens, I was also cheating, in a way. I wasn’t inviting the Energy of the Heavens into my soul directly, but rather severing portions of my soul and sending them out into the Void. This allowed me some control over Heavenly Energy, but not enough to call me a Divinity, not yet.
That said, even though I believe the Martial Path is fundamentally flawed, perfection is a luxury I cannot afford. I can worry about finding the best Path later, because I can sense turmoil and unrest in the world right now, which means I need to stick to what I know and fix my goddamned Core. I won’t be a Peak Expert when I’m done, not yet, because once again, Insight does not equate to comprehension. I emerged victorious against the Wraiths because I managed to reforge Peace, but even then, it was a close fight. I almost lost my head and did lose an arm, though I managed to reattach it mid-fight. Had they damned the losses and tried to kill me regardless of the costs, then I might have died out there and no one would’ve ever found my body, because despite all my newfangled strength and Insight, my Core was woefully inadequate to the task of supplying me with Chi.
My inner musings are interrupted by a flurry of kisses, happily supplied by Mama Bun who hopped into my lap. “Play?!” she asks, not in words, but with an amalgamation of emotions, joy, hope, love, and amusement all bundled into one. So sweet and innocent, she wants nothing more than to be fed and loved, and I am more than happy to supply both.
Grinning as I place Mama Bun back on her magical raft, I dive into the water and chase after Ping Ping and Pong Pong. Both react with unbridled joy as they flee from my approach, while Mama Bun bounds along behind me, not quite understanding the thrill of the chase, but enjoying the fun all the same. This is my Natal Palace now, a daycare for Spiritual Beasts and Divinities, but I really wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, I might’ve exacerbated the issue with integrating my soul with my Core by forming this giant Natal Palace, complete with massive lake and towering skyscraper to house my humble bedroom and throne, but after sharing in the mirth and glee of my sweet animals, I can honestly say that it’s all worth it.
Strength is great and all, but it’s not the be all and end all goal. Not mine at least, and it shouldn’t be anyone elses, because strength without purpose is just emptiness within matched by emptiness without. No, the key to True Divinity lies within emotion, and while I don’t have the answer quite yet, and might never solve this particular mystery myself, I will at least enjoy the journey, for I have found many friends and loved ones to join me on my Path.
Such is life, trials and tribulations without end, but this only makes love and happiness that much sweeter.
- end of volume 36 -
Comments
RuRo
And who is to say that rambling = bad. Rain's internal rambling about the martial path is the best part IMHO! Don't worry, Ruff, disregard haters, acquire currency!
Arnon Parenti
They know. General guy knew he can take a hit from Akanai but not from Lin Lin
Thenais
Why not invite his wives inside his soul place ?
Rain's idea of a Peak Expert is NZ, DMG, Baatar, Akanai, et all. He's not a reliable narrator.
K A N O
Yea this is becoming ridiculous it's almost like how many times will he learn the same lesson? this has become a circle of rain forgetting he's loved, rejecting that love and feeling inadequate, just to be reminded he is loved and needs to do better to be "deserving" of such love. Just to immediately go back to his self depreciation. It's gotten to the point where these issues of self doubt and crippling insecurities are bleeding into the other characters. Also the power scale how does he take on 40 wraiths and say he's not a peak expert but Gerel Nian zu and rang min fight a couple and barely win? This part is starting to get confusing.
Allastin
Well, there is one thing that stands out to me the most, Mei Lin stands above us mere mortals. Her enemies know not her strength, though it be vast and incomprehensible.
GuyWhoReadsALot
Sometimes I wanna grab Rain and slap him.
NeWorlDark
"but this came as small comfort after I realized I’d been intent on ambushing and killing the intruders before I knew who they were... but what would I have done if they were simple scouts or spies instead, people who are not exactly allies, OBJECTION "No, this is concern on a more abstract scale, and while emotions aren’t all cut and dry, especially when coming from a turtle, I can still figure it out from contextual clues. Pong Pong wants to know if the sixty odd Experts converging around the District with ill-intent are here for me, and sadly, I believe they are." 60 experts converging around Rain's estate in the night with ill intentions really couldn't be anything but a kill squad
Tomi .
Welp that was a short volume
Diplodicus
Nother great chapter Ruff! When do we get to see the wives jumping in his Natal Palace? "because I didn’t even realizing what I was doing" realizing should be realize
Arnon Parenti
Still missing Coocoo and Blackjack in this family picture.
Archit Goel
Good chapter, but you are, without doubt, un paralleled master of rambling!!
Gardor
Seeing "This chapter is again a bit of a rambler", in a story known for its rambling internal monologues, fills me with dread.
