RuffWriter
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Chapter 775
🕑 Added 2022-02-08 02:38:42 +0000 UTC
https://docs.google.com/document/d/15JoXqwpssSTVffXSnQeQv71KP1PW_kXsNjnGUXPzzzA/edit?usp=sharing
Everyone loves to shit on management and administrators for being bad at their jobs, but it ain’t easy being the boss.
Correction: it’s ain’t easy being a good boss. The bad ones get to slack off and play hide the salami with the secretary, but a good boss? Even I don’t know what goes into making a good boss, because I too am terrible at my job. Leadership is hard, which is why I delegate all leadership duties to good leaders whenever I can. Alas, now I must pay the price for my indolence, because the buck can no longer be passed. Seeing how they possess the same memories, experiences, and general thought processes as I do, I went into this plan thinking my Natal Souls would be more than capable of making good decisions, or at least decisions I would agree with, but a few seconds into our grand efforts has already proven me wrong a thousand times over. Then again, I probably should’ve seen this coming, because I am nothing if not an asshole, and a contrary one at that when it comes to dealing with people in positions of authority. Being the reckless and irresponsible shit-stains that they are, my Natal Souls are all more than happy to act first and think later, because their limited lifespans lead them to believe they’ll face no consequences to their actions. Which is entirely true, and I hate them all for having figured it out so quickly instead of focusing on something less detrimental to my future like their collective imminent demise.
Okay, that’s a little too dark, even for me, wishing my veritable clones would be more concerned about their mortality and limited lifespans rather than resolving their regrets, especially considering their regrets were technically mine to begin with, or at least would be my regrets if I were in their shoes.
Cursing the poor decisions which brought me here, I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. That being said, it’s actually kinda cathartic to direct my hatred and grievances outwards for a change, even if the recipient is just another version of me. For this reason alone, I dedicate a few moments to cursing at my various existences while suffering from the consequences of my own actions. Their collective decision to do as they please and leave me holding the bag is bad enough, but my Natal Souls also have no care or consideration for the fact that I am grossly outnumbered as I sit here in my Natal Palace and cannot possibly micromanage every last one of their efforts. I mean, that’s why I made them all in the first place, to help me handle all the important tasks I couldn’t manage on my own. Each and every single one of them is a free-thinking, independent agent with no real restrictions at all, so really, they should be more than capable of handling the tasks I set for them without me having to hold their hands.
Well… no limits aside from their inability to create emotions causing any emotions felt to consume the Heavenly Energy that they’re comprised of, which in effect leaves them with a limited lifespan. Kinda a dick move, I know, especially considering how terrified of death I am, but given how the plan is unfolding without a hitch, this is clearly a sacrifice I and all my Natal Souls are willing to make.
To my surprise, there’s little to no anger or vitriol directed my way, or at least none stemming from the fact that I sent so many of them out to die. Instead, I sense a whole lot of disdain and verbal abuse being hurled my way as my Natal Souls become cognizant of just how fucked things really are in Meng Sha. Normally, I would blame myself for everything that’s gone wrong, but my Natal Souls being aware of the fact that they’re Natal Souls has caused them to all blame ME instead. Technically, it's still me blaming myself, but the harsh truths and somewhat facetious rebukes hit harder when they come from other versions of myself. It’s not the same as internalized castigation, because not only am I hearing these rebukes for the first time, they’re also personal enough to target my greatest weaknesses and insecurities, while remaining just impersonal enough to feel like they’re coming from someone else. Within seconds of setting out, I am inundated with a barrage of Sendings and scoldings from mostly well-meaning Natal Souls, each one contacting me because they feel they’ve stumbled across something of the utmost importance that I need to hear now. It’s all a matter of perspective however, because to the Natal Soul on the beach, the looming threat of Demon Gen demands more attention, but the same could be said for the Natal Soul helping a young Captain who is currently fighting for his life on the battlements against odds he cannot hope to overcome.
It’s not that either one of those Natal Souls are wrong about the need for urgency and assistance, but the problem is, they’re the solution I sent out to deal with that very problem in the first place, so reporting it back to me does nothing except annoy and frustrate me.
The worst part is how disorienting their Sendings are, because my Natal Souls are not trying to talk to me in words or even images. Much like how I was able to converse with Lin-Lin at the speed of thought due to our close familiarity, my Natal Souls are just dumping their life’s experiences on me en masse, leading to an information overload I am struggling to parse through. The problem is, even though I’ve enjoyed some small success in regards to Refining my mind and soul, allowing me to multi-task and process parallel thoughts to a minor degree, there are thousands upon thousands of Natal Souls out there, and only one lowly little me.
Seriously, everything would be fine if my Natal Souls kept their discoveries to themselves, or failing that, cared enough about my mental well-being enough to pass their messages along through the PC instead. I don’t entirely understand how this Keystone works, but I do know it allows me to distance myself from the action and process multiple perspectives at the same time, to say nothing of the ability to store and play back information at the literal speed of thought. As my Natal Souls, they know all this as well, because I knew it before creating them, but much like me, they’re a bunch of assholes who think they’re the centre of the fucking universe. Thus, their problems must be the most pressing problems around, because there’s no way they’re just playing a small part in a large effort. No, they’re all the heroes of their own stories, which means I, the bossman and Prime Soul, must immediately drop all things and cater to their needs.
To be fair, they probably also know that I’d ignore any message sent to my PC until later, because I’m not great about reading and replying to things like checking email, voicemail, or really any sort of asynchronous communication. I don’t like being social, so if I can ignore it, why not?
A bunch of narcissistic jerks is what my Natal Souls are, which does not paint me in a pretty light, but at least I do what I can to solve my own problems myself. What’s happening here is what would happen if I had no sense of personal responsibility, and it is a terrifying prospect to watch unfold. The Natal Soul confessing all my feelings to Li-Li is bad enough, but then I have to hear about how I’ve been neglecting Mila as well, which just makes me feel that much worse. Here I am pining over yet another woman when I can’t even properly cherish and support my wife, which just makes me a terrible husband and human being all around. This is just the icing on the cake as every Natal Soul on the battlefield feels that their unique experience is vital in some way as they Send what can only be described as their last will and testament. Hearing one or two would be heart-breaking, ten to twenty devastating, but thousands of them coming in all at once is just infuriating to the extreme. I am discovering first-hand just how true the old adage really is, that one death is a tragedy, but a million deaths a mere statistic, because I am fast becoming immune to the deaths of my Natal Souls.
Which is really a shame, given how noble and heroic their sacrifice really is, though I can’t say I’m not relieved to know they’re actually dying instead of going rogue or worse.
A harsh but legitimate take on my actions here today, so I do my best to work through all these thoughts, feelings, and memories while triaging the various crises to find something that actually demands my attention. It’s not that I don’t sympathize with my Natal Souls and the various trials and tribulations they’re going through, or the personal lessons they’re deriving from them, but the whole point of creating an army of Natal Souls was so I wouldn’t have to personally oversee each and every last detail of what they’re doing. I even have a Natal Soul assigned as the General in the field, his sole purpose being to handle the bulk of the micromanagement, because I knew my Natal Souls would feel more confident on the job if they knew they had someone overseeing them. Alas, each and every one of them feels that their case is special and demands my immediate attention. Well, they’re fucking wrong. I can’t give every soldier and Irregular my undivided attention. I can’t afford to listen to every sob story and heroic act, while saving the dying, comforting the grieving, and consoling the scared at the same time, because I am but one man, one too weak to carry all these burdens by myself.
That’s why I made the Natal Souls do it. Because they’re gonna die anyways, which means they’ll be freed from all their doubts and uncertainties.
The truth strikes me like a hammer to the gut and forces me to re-examine my now seemingly selfish motives. This is just my cowardly way of placing even more layers between myself and the action, because then I can rest easy while watching everything unfold from behind my PC monitor. Once again, I’ve come up with a new method of keeping myself from getting emotionally involved in all this, a means to protect myself from the anger, pain, loss, and despair that comes part and parcel with war.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the Martial Path. I love Demonstrating the Forms and finding new ways to perform the Movements in an order I haven’t tried yet. I love meditating and feeling the Energy of the Heavens surge into my Core and wash away all my worries and fatigue. I love Condensing my Aura and sharing my emotions with my friends, family, and floofs, or discussing the intricacies of the Dao with anyone who will listen. I love sparring against friends and pushing my limits, diving into the sea and submerging myself beneath the waves, Cloud-Stepping high into the skies only to come crashing back down to land lightly in the water. All of which and more would be impossible without my dogged pursuit of the Martial Path¸ and yet still tertiary to the true purpose of cultivation.
Martial Warriors cultivate in order to find the strength needed to defend humanity from the Defiled. A tale as old as time, and truth I hate more than anything else.
War is hell. There’s no two ways around it, because that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I cannot see myself ever coming around to war, not unless I become an entirely different person altogether. War is necessary, and I will be amongst the first to take up my sword if needed, but I will never love war the way Dad does, or thrive in war like Yan, or even learn to accept war as a way of life like Dastan. These are the dyed in the wool soldiers who live and breathe bloody conflict, unable to live any other way for varying reasons. For some, it is the thrill of the hunt, a heady intoxication you can find nowhere else, and others, it is the honour and prestige that comes with victory and success, while still others fight because they see it as their true calling.
Me? I fight because I must, and because I am egotistical enough to believe that if I were to stay home where it was safe and sound, my absence would be the sole reason for every death and defeat suffered on the battlefield.
Psh. As if.
I am damn good at what I do, and my efforts have made a difference, but I alone am not enough to turn the tides of war, much less win it outright on my own. I am but one man with sword in hand, so even if you take all my contributions on the various battlefields to date, my efforts would pale in comparison to what I’ve done away from the battlefield. Cast iron, concrete, War Bonds, Panacea, Runic Cannons, and more, these contributions are of far more value than my personal kill count or even that of my retinue, and yet still I feel compelled to take up my sword and stride out to battle. It’s a sickness, I know, but also a compulsion, because on the battlefield, the problems and solutions are always the same. An Enemy stands before me, and I must kill or be killed, a black and white conflict in which I do not need to think.
Right up until it’s all over and I return to my cot, where I stare at the darkness behind my eyes while praying and hoping that the nightmares will not haunt me this night. They’ve slowed down in recent years, largely due to support from my loving wives and adoring floofs, but less is not the same as none. It’s not just the killing and dying either that gets me these days, though that’s bad enough, but now there’s also all the regrets and what if’s to fill my head, awake or otherwise. What if I’d turned left instead of right, or what if I didn’t stop to rest that one time, or what if I killed that Champion faster, then what might have changed? Could I have killed more Defiled? Saved more Imperials? Was there something I missed? A trap to set, a stratagem to play, a weapon to develop, something, anything to further stack the deck in my favour, and possibly do more than I did?
That’s the worst part of war I’ve experienced thus far, but the real kicker is this: I know war can be so much worse.
Zhen Shi showed me as much, during our clash in JiangHu. The mines couldn’t break me, because I care not for my own suffering, so he made me watch as the people I loved suffered instead. Now there was a torment I could not ignore, because I love my loved ones far more than I love myself. Much as I fear death, I have always been ambivalent about my own survival and well-being, because at the end of the day, I don’t like myself all that much. I love my life though, what with all my friends, family, and floofs, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but that just means I have so much more to lose, which is exactly what I fear the most.
Forget the what if’s and maybe’s. What happens when, not if, but when I go out there and screw something up and get someone killed? I would never be able to forgive myself. That’s why I did what I did, acted first to only think about it now, because I knew this was how I could absolve myself of all guilt. Can’t make any mistakes if you don’t do anything at all, not personally at least. My Natal Souls are the ones out there doing all the work, which means any mistakes are on them, not me. The pain, the misery, the fear and regret, this is how I avoid it all and more, by delegating tasks to someone else, even if that someone else is just me by another name. My Natal Souls are going to die regardless, so what does it matter if they suffer a little in the process? Better than me personally bearing all those burdens for as long as I live, because I know I am not cut out for it.
Because I’ve done it before, and I cannot stand it. My merry band of cripples started at close to a hundred and dwindled down to a mere seven. Dastan’s retinue went from fifty-seven Warriors and now I am left with four. The kindly Sentinels who volunteered to join me, the conscripted Mother’s Militia, the reformed Butchers, the drafted Corsairs, and more, so many have died under my command, too many names for me to remember. There’s one particular group of deaths which bother me most, a subject I’ve never touched on before, and one I’ve ignored for some time now, but no more. In JiangHu, I became something akin to a god. Not all-powerful, not even close, but powerful enough to decide the lives and deaths of who knows how many individuals. In came the Irregulars, men and women who took up arms against the Enemy despite knowing they were sorely outmatched. How many of them died trying to save me and my family? How many of them threw themselves at literal Demons based on faith alone? I could have stopped them with a thought, set them to running for the hills in reasonable fear, and even pretended to try as if I could trick myself into thinking I’d done all that I could, but there’s no hiding the truth. I let those poor, helpless, under-trained and overmatched mortals throw themselves as murderous Demons in droves, all so that I and the people I loved would have a better chance to live.
A decision for which I can never forgive myself.
Who am I to decide who lives and who dies? Yes, it’s human nature to value friends and family over strangers, but I am not some nameless Warrior on the battlefield. I am Falling Rain, the Legate of the Outer Provinces, meaning the Irregulars were there on that battlefield because of me. They made their choice, but only because I gave them the option, tempting them with the dream being more than a mere commoner like a fisherman tempts fish with a hooked worm. And the real irony? The Irregulars were all too happy to give their lives for me, because they thought I was the only one who cared about them. I did and still do, but not enough to save their lives at the cost of my own, which is really just the scummiest part of all. When the chips were all down, I balked and showed my true colours, a yellow-bellied coward through and through. I didn’t want to die, so I let others die in my place, and the guilt haunts me even now. That’s why I helped the survivors become Martial Warriors, why I visited them after the fact and couldn’t bring myself to speak, because they think they owe me a debt they can never repay, when I am the one who owes them more than they could ever know.
And so because I cannot trust myself to make these hard decisions again, I sit here, hidden within my Natal Palace and separated from the action by my PC. In this way, I can pretend I’m insulated from any and all responsibility as my Natal Souls go out and make all my mistakes for me, which in turn absolves me of all guilt and culpability. The simple logic of a petulant idiot who refuses to learn from his mistakes, because how is this any different from blaming everything on Baledagh or Brother?
Alas, my Natal Souls are none too keen about taking the fall, because as much as I love taking blame for things outside my control, I absolutely loathe being blamed for mistakes I didn’t make. Bunch of assholes is what they are, can’t even die and leave me to be happy in ignorance, but mostly because they know they’re in the right and I’m a smug, sanctimonious prick even in the best of times. “That’s stupid, why would you do it like that when you can do it this obviously better way?” Even when I’m right, I can still say things the wrong way, which I tend to do so very often.
So… Checklist
Deal with fallout from confessing to Li-Li. Fuck.
Be a better husband to all your wives. Difficult, but doable. And necessary, because you’re a shit husband. Also, just because they’re strong independent women who don’t need no man, that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t appreciate it if you showed up from time to time, dumbass.
Be more filial. Not a big ask really. Take Mom shopping, talk shop with Dad, offer to look after the twins while Alsantset and Charok go out on a date. That’s really all it takes.
Go back to studying Healing with Taddy. You just gave up once you figured out Panacea, but Taduk loves teaching and you love learning, so why not?
Be better to Luo-Luo. Don’t let your short stature and inferiority complex keep you from giving her a chance. Though it all started as her trying to make the best of a bad situation, it’s clearly moved beyond that now.
Be good to your friends. Be good to your supporters. Be good to those who hold you in esteem, because even if you feel like you don’t deserve them, they’ve made their choice, so you might as well try and live up to expectations.
There’s so many more life lessons my Natal Souls want me to learn, but a real-time Sending from Yan takes precedence above all else. “Hello my love.” Focusing in on her livestream feed, I see her standing atop the battlements like the heroic Warrior she is, covered from head to toe in blood and gore yet looking valiant all the same. More impressive is her billowing Domain manifesting itself in reality as a swirling maelstrom of wind, which is new and exciting. “I see you’re doing well. Sorry I can’t…” While making small talk and taking in just how large a mistake I might’ve just made, I study her Wind Domain with the utmost interest. It’s not that she Developed a Domain and filled it with Wind Chi, but rather she brought her Natal Palace out into reality. This is her bringing the metaphysical realm closer to the physical one using her own body as focal point, like she is the overlapping part of a Venn diagram of the physical and metaphysical both.
But… how? It’s her Natal Palace… and her Domain… but not her Natal Palace and not her Domain at the same time. Her Core positively coursing with Chi and usable Heavenly Energy both, surging all throughout her entire body and out into her Domain like a tornado centred around her, a working of Chi mimicking Air yet also drawing in air which mimics Chi and Heavenly Energy.
…You know it’s bad when even I can’t understand my own observations. Put another way, the soldiers around Yan can see the wind whistling through her hair and rustling through her clothes, but even if they were standing shoulder to shoulder, they wouldn’t even feel a breeze. Yet the moment Yan Wills it, the gale-force winds from her Natal Palace will manifest themselves around her in a radius that stretches much farther than most Domains. I won’t really know until she pushes herself to the limits, but from what I can glean from the VoD of her battle is that her Wind Domain stretches at least five metres in all directions. That’s one incredible feat considering most Domains are measured in centimetres, though I have yet to really measure mine and compare. No, now’s not the time to compare Domains, except I want to know how she did this for reasons which should be obvious.
So fixated on unravelling the mysteries of her Domain, it takes a moment for her warning to register, and even longer before I realize she’s probably right. Though she might well be the least scholarly of the women in my life, Yan is as smart as they come and no slouch when it comes to discussing the Dao. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, meaning that even though I am a font of Heavenly Energy, there must be some cost associated to the creation process, else I would be in violation of the laws of physics. Too late for regret now though, because I’ve already chopped up my soul and parcelled it out, so we’ll file this concern away for now and deal with it later. After telling her as much, I give Yan my best and let her go back to what she does best, while I go back to parsing through the deluge of information crashing in from all sides.
And then the mother of all packages pops up out of nowhere and slaps me across the face with a meaty thwack.
Figuratively of course, but the Sending is so dense and revelatory it takes me a good half-second to make my way through it, and even longer to put everything together in a digestible manner. Turns out the info dump is from General Me, so chock full of interesting theories and observations, much of which I’ve sort of noticed but have yet to really think through. So intrigued by the prospects of Blessings, Dao’s, Chi flow and more, I only belatedly catch on to the whole reason why General Me would send this.
Because he’s about to do something stupid and doesn’t want all his efforts to go to waste.
“Don’t!” I Send, even as I watch him tug at a metaphysical thread without any care or caution only to immediately disappear from my senses. Not just my eyes and ears, but also my Spiritual Senses, save for a vague awareness of his presence somewhere… muddled. Can’t tell if he’s close or far, left or right, alive or dead, or anything else, just that he’s… there, but not there, sorta. Muttering all sorts of obscenities directed at my idiot self, I pick out a powerful Natal Soul with nothing better to do and promote him to General in his predecessor’s absence, making myself clear in no uncertain terms that I expect him to make better decisions. Updating him with all the latest news, I turn my full focus to uncovering where my first General ran off to, not because I’m concerned about his life, but moreso because I’m worried he won’t die.
Seriously, the last thing I need is for a goateed version of myself showing up to get in my way. Mostly because I would look terrible with a goatee. Just god-awful. Even if he wasn’t an evil twin, I’d have to kill him just on the basis of his goatee alone, and he’d probably thank me for it.
Shaking off the unexpected quasi-suicidal impulse, I tuck it away to be explored sometime never and navigate over to where I last saw my General, hovering somewhere innocuous around the middle of the fort where I immediately sense a wrongness in the world. It’s subtle and only diminishing with time, dissipating into nothingness within a span of time so small I don’t even have a measurement handy, but it’s there all the same. Rather than barrelling through like the idiot my General is, I set about searching for other points of interest around Meng Sha similar in nature to this one. A single pass turns up nothing, and so does a second, but as I am about to start a third scan, I feel a pulse emanating from where my General disappeared, one that swells and recedes like the tide crashing against the shore. So that’s it. There’s a wrongness here, but not all the time, one that comes and goes in pulses so faint I wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t right on top of it. The next time it arrives, I’m ready and waiting, and I follow the pulse to uncover its trail, which brings me all over Meng Sha in a dizzying, circuitous route that has no rhyme or reason in my eyes. It starts in the centre, goes out beyond the walls, circles around the shoreline and repeatedly turns in on itself, going this way then that without any warning or reason, yet in a manner which fills me with dread and trepidation.
My General went looking for Spectres, but he found this… pulsing wrongness instead, one that is poking out in reality just enough for me to notice, but no doubt has its roots in the Void. Where Yan brought the metaphysical into the physical, I feel like it’s almost as if the reverse were true here, with something drawing the physical into the metaphysical before regurgitating it back out into the world around us.
Something tells me that poking my head into the palpable wrongness is probably a terrible idea, mostly because I can sense a muted spike of panic and regret emanating from my lost General. I’d be less worried about all this if I didn’t have empirical evidence of Zhen Shi using my Natal Souls to help empower his people. And those were just piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu, one of a veritable million with just enough Heavenly Energy to operate, but my General was a custom creation. The whole point of his existence was to make all the hard decisions I didn’t want to, and deal with all the guilt and empathy that comes with it, so I had to gas him up, so to speak, to ensure he wouldn’t… use himself up feeling all those emotions. This means my General was not a fragment of a fragment like the ones from JiangHu, but a big, beefy Natal Soul just chock full of as much Heavenly Energy as I could spare, and I supposed whatever constitutes a soul as well. If one of those piddly Natal Souls from JiangHu was enough to help Bai Qi Awaken to the Blessing of Sand, I shudder to think what Zhen Shi could do with my stupid General. All of which means I need to do something right quick, but I can’t just make the same mistake he did and walk right into what I presume is a trap, but what other choice do I have?
Maybe I just give up here and write it off as a loss. I mean, if he does come back as an evil twin, then at least I can finally kill myself.
A cold nose and loud bark shake me from my thoughts as I find myself staring at a heckin’ concerned Buddy. Seeing me come to my senses, my sweet doggo gives me a huff of muted discontent followed by the tiniest of doggy kisses, as if to let me know he’s none too pleased about what I’ve done but still loves me all the same. Giving him a quick kiss back, I turn and find Lin-Lin still seated in my lap, but poised so that I can use the mouse and keyboard in a bent posture that only she could be comfortable with. “What happened hubby?” she asks, her adorable features drawn in concerned consternation. “Buddy just bolted up and got right in your face for no reason.”
Feigning disorientation as I scramble for a suitable answer, I glance sidelong at my monitors and see all three screens just dotted with all manner of perspectives, each one so tiny I doubt Lin-Lin can even see what’s going on. Filling her in on the important bits, I outline how I lost my Natal General and need to find him again without touching on my darker thoughts, which I’m guessing is just a result of the Aura-like working pervading all of Meng Sha. The pulsating wrongness is somehow linked to it, I’m sure of it now, but my first priority is recovering my Natal Soul and all the usable Heavenly Energy contained within.
“Mm,” Lin-Lin intones, curled up against my arm with her cheek pressed against my shoulder, just melting into me as if her bones are made of rubber. “If it’s too dangerous to go there from the physical side, why don’t you just approach from the metaphysical side, ya?”
The question reaches the tip of my tongue before realization strikes, and I turn to look out the window in surprise. I mean…why not? My Natal Palace is already in the Void, and whatever wrongness I’m sensing must be nearby, seeing how my physical body is also in MengSha. If the Enemy is bringing the physical out into the metaphysical, then it stands to reason I could probably just look out and see them there, and if not, well… can my Natal Palace move through the Void? Probably not, seeing how it’s stuck to my soul, which in turn needs to stay with my body, but there’s nothing stopping me from just taking a look.
In the blink of an eye, I bring Buddy and Lin-Lin down to the lakeside, right next to the empty Healing Fountain Keystone I’ve only used once. Before progressing any further, I stop and look at Lin-Lin while trying to come up with the best way to phrase this. “Would you have to step through the Void to return to your body?”
“Mm, probably not?” Clutching my arm oh so tightly, Lin-Lin’s expression tells me she knows exactly what I’m thinking, and there’s no way I’m getting rid of her that easily. “I need skin to skin contact to get here in the first place, so that’s probably how I get in, rather than straight through the Void itself. I don’t think anyone goes that way though, not purposely, since a soul leaving a body means it dies, ya?”
“Makes sense.” Meaning her route to get here would start at her soul, move to her body, then to my body, before arriving in my soul, assuming that’s how it works. I also should be real careful about sending her away in the future, because I wouldn’t want to accidentally launch her into the Void. “Which is all the more reason for you to go back where you’ll be safe.” Though it pains me to say this next bit, I can only grit my teeth and bear it. “I’m about to do something that could be dangerous, but I won’t be able to concentrate if I know you’re here and in danger.”
“Meanie.” Biting my arm ever so gently, she transitions over for a hug and a kiss before uttering a sigh of defeat. “Fine then. Love you hubby,” she says, resting her cheek on my chest and peering up into my eyes. “I watch over you from outside, but you be careful, ya?”
“Love you too, and I feel safer already.” I can’t really respond to that last part, because careful would be giving up my Natal Soul for lost, something Lin-Lin picks up on without fail. Pinching my cheek in reproach, she waves goodbye and disappears from sight, though a quick trip back to the PC tells me she’s still fast asleep on my chest. Smiling at the sight of her slack and contented expression, I glance at the rest of the battle and see that not much time has passed since I dumped everything onto a new General, though it does seem like he’s doing a better job than the last guy. Weird how we’re all cut from the same cloth yet are so inconsistent when it comes to getting shit done, but it might not be a fair comparison. New General has more information than captured General, so maybe he’s doing better because he’s building on the foundation his predecessor started.
Or I dunno, maybe it’s all just luck. Will Falling Rain succeed at any given task? Flip a coin and find out.
A growl from my side snaps me back to reality, and I lean over to give Buddy a pat on the head. “Good dog.” His huff in retort sounds like an affirmation to my ears, and he leans in as I study the lake and horizon. There was a time when I had a tear in my Natal Palace, a window out into the Void. I have since relocated it to the depths of the Sea, because a giant black hole in the sky was not what I wanted to see every time I looked out the window. I could move the window back, but I’ve an inkling that doing so would not be in my best interests. Not because it’d ruin the view, but because one really shouldn’t remodel their Natal Palace as often as I do. It’s only just occurred to me, as I considered moving the Void window just now, but given how I know the Natal Palace sits in the Core which is part and parcel of the soul, then it stands to reason that remodelling my Natal Palace is quite literally rearranging my soul. Even if my soul was like clay or play-dough, I would assume that ‘cementing’ a fixture in place like we do with the Natal Palace comes at some sort of cost. More conservation of energy and whatnot, which in turn suggests that remodelling also comes at a cost. I’m reminded of the time I tore down my Natal Palace and rebuilt it anew prior to the Legate’s Contest in Nan Ping, and how Shen ZhenWu noted I’d ‘diminished’ since our last meeting. He even specifically mentioned how my Natal Palace had ‘notably regressed’, which I now believe was his way of offering assistance and showing off his vast knowledge at the same time. When I tried to be flippant, he told me I’d paid a costly price for a change of view, an offhand remark I never really considered until just now.
If there is a cost associated with remodelling the Natal Palace, why have I never felt the aftereffects of paying it? Because of Blobby? Something else to look into when I have time, but right now, I have a window to peer out of and a Natal Soul to go save.
Plunging into the water with Buddy at my side, I idly wonder why I didn’t just teleport us to our destination, but then the darkness of the Void rises up to greet me and I understand. I’d forgotten how disorienting staring out into nothingness can be. For a moment, I forget which way is where and what direction is any, but then my mind makes sense of the nothingness and everything clicks back into place. I once stepped out briefly as Baledagh, just to know what the experience was like, because I imagined Brother throwing him out there in a pique of rage. I said it was unpleasant, but that doesn’t begin to describe it, for the vast nothingness stretches out in all directions while simultaneously pressing down on you in the same way. You are nothing, small and infinitesimal, yet you had nowhere to go, for the Void had you within its grasp and was slowly crushing the life from you.
But I’m not out in the Void. I’m just here for a look. Stay on task and everything will be alright.
Using my connection with my lost Natal Soul to orient myself correctly, I gaze out into the abyss and the… well no, I don’t get the whole ‘abyss gazes back’ bit, but it does sound cool and all. There’s… a glow, almost, not a visible one, but it is warm and illuminating all the same, draped across me from behind and keeping me safe from the hidden dangers lurking about. There is another gleam in the distance, but this one is ugly and wrong, like a lightbulb emanating light in just a slightly different shade, though here in the Void, the lights all emanate darkness save for the glowing presence behind me. Close to the wrongness, I spy a glimpse of movement somewhere out in the Void, though I cannot for the life of me tell if it is close or far away. It’s faint, just a hint of motion in the darkness, a black blur moving across a black surface that is almost invisible save for the perception of motion, and the more I look, the clearer the movements become. Without need for conscious thought, my eyes fixate on the movement and my window to the Void shimmers to bring it into focus, revealing a cloud of moving darkness where I previously only saw a tiny blip. Closer and closer my vision moves in, like shifting through multiple lenses on a high-powered telescope, until finally I can make out what is moving in the Void, and what I see there makes me wish there was bleach for my eyes to cleanse me of this horrific sight.
For there in the Void stands Zhen Shi, a giant among men, clad in his golden robes depicting all manner of horrific acts, but he is not the sight which disturbs me. Nor is it the tiny Natal Soul he holds firm in his hand, my lost little idiot caught fast in the Enemy’s grasp. No, what terrifies me so is the scene set around them, one I am not sure my Natal Soul can see, for there are all manner of Spectres lingering about whilst twisting and turning in unsightly patterns. There is no way to describe their movements except by the sense of sin it evokes, a reviling motion that runs counter to everything life and love could stand for. It is not where they go or how they move that disturbs me so, but the glimpses of truth I see within those actions, a grisly assortment of gruesome and ghastly acts that took place in reality only to be mirrored here in the Void.
I see Defiled killing men and women without mercy. Mothers killing their children to spare them the suffering. Husbands killing wives to do the same, before throwing themselves off the walls in hopes of a quick end. A lucky few find it, but there is no escape for most, as the Enemy tears into the panicked populace with the glee and fury of a starving wolf. Their deaths are slow and painful to the last, drawn out over hours if not days, and the sheer joy their suffering elicits from the Defiled only goes to show just how broken they really are. The details are mercifully obscure, but the general essence of what transpired is clear as day, a festival of pain and despair devoted to the half-crazed Spectres, broken fragments of disincarnate souls who crave anguish and suffering because it makes them feel whole again.
Make no mistakes, the Spectres suffer in tandem with their prey, but they know no other way to live…
This is the working that plagues Meng Sha so, a veritable living Rune etched into the Void itself, drawn there by the suffering of the harbour’s former inhabitants and the movements of the Spectres themselves. Plans within plans and schemes within schemes, Zhen Shi set this trap long ago, first carrying out his gruesome and torturous ‘art’ only to destroy it all before bringing in new commoners to sacrifice, which lead me to believe his forces had only just begun the slaughter moments before I arrived.
And now, his trap is sprung and he has one of my Natal Souls in hand to boot. Every fibre of my being tells me I will die if I go out there, for even I cannot Devour all those Spectres before they tear my soul asunder. All I can do is watch and wait as he looms over my lost general, but all is not lost, for I know my enemy well.
And Zhen Shi would not be Zhen Shi if he doesn’t take a moment to gloat, meaning I might still find an opportunity to strike. The details escape me, but I will not despair, for if there’s one thing I know, it’s that where there is life, there is hope.
Comments
Uryah Taylor
I feel like that’s the point. The type of mental illness he is dealing with is so strong that he constructs these flawed arguments that only really make sense to him. Which is why we get the POV from other people who call him silly for doing so. He says in this chapter that he feels like he compelled a bunch of mortals to fight for his cause and die for him. But he ignores the fact that any human faced with utter annihilation, the death torture and rape at the hands of the defiled would motivate anyone to stand up and fight back. But he puts the responsibility of their decisions solely on his shoulders, simply because he gave them the weapons to fight back. It isn’t suppose to be logical it’s simply part of who he is and hopefully he grows out of it.
Rain and Natal Soul General Rain hold hands and the universe implodes
i mean wheel of time IS like my fav series ever
Thenais
time to build a freedom gundam and go to the void
Zarik0
I laughed so hard in the first part of the chapter with the shenanigan with his Natal Soul and how they throw thing to each other :P and everyone gunning him with mass sending and etc xDD "but much like me, they’re a bunch of assholes who think they’re the centre of the fucking universe" So many great line who burst me in laughing :P Really that was a great chapter with a great first part with a comedic touch who give me tears in the eyes with the multiple laugh and who transition perfectly into more serious though and introspection and situation after who is very good and interesting :) "…You know it’s bad when even I can’t understand my own observations" :) So Big Bang next chapter? :)
CentaureHeart
When is Rain going to stop feeling guilty for the actions of others? Always taking the blame for everything, as if he's the only one that can act without being influenced (which is false for him as well). I feel like he had that insight a bunch of times but it never sticks
Archit Goel
Bro, u are becoming like Robert Jordan (wheel of time). Too much prose.
Diplodicus
Thanks for the chapter Ruff! I quite enjoyed Rain's introspection and philosophical thoughts. Can't wait for the next one to see how Rain handles this situation. Also didn't the General Rain get sucked into Zhen Shi's ring? Or did that get ret-conned
Kuurth
Guy said hide the salami… Guy, I’m packin’ a snack size slim Jim, take it or leave it.
