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Chapter 790 unedited unmemed
🕑 Added 2022-03-24 21:59:29 +0000 UTC
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U1n4Ox0A90ehOWnM-a8TPoGsPrF8E3KPAnk4eYSkQ-U/edit?usp=sharing
Multitasking is hard.
Not the act of multitasking itself, as thus far, I’ve found it a fairly simple process. My squadron of tethered Natal Souls are handling things well enough from their desks inside the Call Centre of the Void, scanning the crowd for receptive Imperials before dispatching severed Natal Souls to go help them, and there are many successes to be noted. Not only am I being more efficient with my resources, I’m also able to specifically target individuals who have the greatest effect on the battlefield. One basic soldier won’t be enough to tip the scales, even with help from Heavenly Energy and Insight, but helping Mila and Yan understand their respective Blessings has forced the Enemy commander to rethink his distribution of troops, while Luo-Luo is affecting the hearts and minds of Imperials and Defiled alike now that she’s tuned into the music of the world itself. These are but three of my many successes, but the hard part is trying to put together a coherent sequence of events beneath the deluge of information and emotion flooding through my brain.
To say I have a migraine would be doing it a disservice, for this is far more than a mere headache. The beating of my too-loud heart threatens to shatter my skull from within as the pounding rain drops do the same from the outside, and the thunderous roar cannon-fire only makes it all that much worse. My vision blurs, my mind fogs, and I struggle to find myself in all the chaos and confusion within the tangled weave of thoughts, emotions, and sensations happening all at once. Live and learn, or so they say, except I never seem to learn, not without an excess of needless suffering first. In Meng Sha, I experienced first-hand how unpleasant it was to have countless Natal Souls telling me their life’s story all at once, yet here I am suffering from the same issue again, except this time, I brought it upon myself willingly. Even knowing information overload was a problem, I decided the best option moving forward was to create a pseudo hive-mind of tethered Natal Souls so I could experience all their thoughts and emotions in real time, and now I am paying the price for my foolishness.
I had my reasons for doing things in this way, good reasons too, but I definitely should have seen this problem coming ahead of time. With my Call Centre Agents all tethered in, I can pay the emotional costs associated with their individual experiences, leading to no consumption of Heavenly Energy when they feel anger, frustration, amusement, or whatever. The problem is, I have never been great at managing my emotions, nor am I particularly kind to myself, so having a whole hive-mind of other me’s unloading all their emotional baggage is almost too much for me to bear, and my self-disparaging remarks puts me over the edge. Hubris is what’s done me in, sheer arrogance in thinking I could handle these burdens and soldier on, because the benefits surely outweighed the drawbacks.
Except I sort of forgot about Blobby for a bit, and when you have a stowaway Heavenly Spirit ready and waiting to Cleanse away your very existence should you ever step a toe over the line, you wanna make sure you have this Balance thing on lockdown. Now, historically, even though Balance came easily to me, I’ve also had my issues with it as well, which is why I said fuck Balance and set out on a new Path, but this option was closed to me once I reunited with Blobby. I can no longer afford to send him off on a trip through the Azure Sea, because I need his help to defeat Zhen Shi. I know this in my heart of hearts, though I admit I’m not entirely sure how the Heavenly Tear is supposed to help, but I’m not willing to risk sending him away just yet. This means he’s here to stay, which means I need to keep to Balance, but I’m really struggling with it now. The sum total of one Falling Rain’s emotional baggage is usually too much for me to handle, and now I’ve got enough luggage to fill an airport carousel and then some. It’s not a simple matter of just focusing on the positives, because that’s not what Balance is all about, nor can I allow myself to succumb to the deluge of negatives threatening to bury my psyche in a deep, dark hole from which it can never return. I need to find Balance, find a way to feel these emotions without giving into them, to neither struggle nor surrender, which is easier said than done.
With Heavenly Energy, it’s a simple enough concept, to become the dam, the wall, the forge, and the drill, an instrument with which to interact with the natural forces of the world, but emotions are a whole different kettle of fish. How do I watch someone die and perceive all his regrets without being affected? How do I immerse myself in the righteous fury of that soldier’s comrades without getting swept away? How do I indulge in the heady vindication of striking down the killer without being intoxicated by the allure of vengeance? This is but a brief snapshot of what I’m getting from a single Natal Soul’s perspective, which is already burden enough, but there are hundreds of more perspectives to consider all at once.
And so, feeling myself slip beneath the weight of all these emotions and Blobby’s growing hunger and agitation, I deal with my emotions the best way I know how, by distancing myself from it all. Though I know this is only a temporary solution and that I will have to deal with these emotions eventually, this will buy me some time at the very least. Immediately, the pressure lessens as I feel myself fade into the background, no longer an active participant in the battle of Shi Bei, but an observer watching it all unfold before me.
Thanks to my newfangled clarity, I stumble across another solution, one I’ve utilized before. I could sever all these unwanted emotions and offer them to the Heavens instead, just like I did in JiangHu, but tempting though the prospect might be, I refuse to even entertain the thought. A dangerous gambit, utilizing the Energy of the Heavens this way, for it is akin to how regular Divinities wield it, and all it would take is one errant desire to taint my intent and set us spiralling towards disaster. In JiangHu, I severed my emotions in a desperate bid for nihility and oblivion, but in order to achieve this escape, I needed a satisfying conclusion to the events in JiangHu, one I could walk away from without guilt. This is very different from wanting the Imperials to win, or wanting my family safe, or wanting the Defiled dead and gone, but something else entirely, and it was this combination of largely innocuous desires and intents which the Energy of the Heavens responded to, a Will driven by fear yes, but otherwise largely Balanced in terms of emotions, with equal parts anger and hatred plus love and compassion, and everything else in between.
A good thing too, because only now do I realize how badly that whole debacle could have turned out. The Energy of the Heavens is driven by Will, so it’s easy to imagine what would’ve happen if I’d snapped and succumbed to anger and hatred instead. If I severed my emotions with the intent to kill the Defiled, I might well have nuked both armies then and there, killing everyone on the battlefield including the people I hold near and dear to my heart. Going in the opposite direction, if I’d gone in with the intent of just saving the people I loved, then the Heavens probably would have just whisked them all away, leaving the rest of the Imperials to their lamentable fate. Neither option would have been acceptable to me, and might well have pushed me over the edge, meaning I avoided a calamity in JiangHu by the slimmest of margins.
Ha. And to think I said what I did in JiangHu was stupid, but effective. That’s like saying winning the lottery is a valid retirement plan. It totally is, on the off chance that things actually work out exactly as intended, but more often than not, you’ve just plotted a course headlong towards disaster.
That’s why I can’t just sever my emotions and let the Heavens take the wheel here in Shi Bei. I am no longer driven by the desire for nihility and oblivion, but a desire to kill Zhen Shi and win this war once and for all. That alone is enough to taint my Will and Intent, and the Heavens are not bound by human failings like empathy and compassion, nor does it care about collateral damage, but I care deeply. I made the right choice in spurning false Divinity, because as much as I love to delegate, I can’t really count on the Heavens to do things right.
Which leaves just me, myself, and I to carry this burden, multiplied a couple hundred times thanks to all my Natal Souls. It also occurs to me that I could sever our connection and simply supply them with Heavenly Energy instead, leaving them to endure the deluge of emotions until they come to their inevitable end, but while I’m not my own biggest fan, I can’t bring myself to treat my Natal Souls so harshly. Besides, ignoring the ethics of creating disposable mind-clones to suffer in my place, there’s no way I could trust my Natal Souls to endure without hope, which is admittedly the more concerning issue here. The last thing I need is a whole host of rebel Natal Souls spurting goatees and raising hell as they seek out a host to inhabit. Interesting as it would be to see what happens when a quasi-Balanced Natal Soul takes over a body, that’s well beyond the limits my conscience will allow me to cross.
As fascinating as all these hypotheticals might be, I have better things to focus on now that I have the attention to spare, and I set to overseeing my Natal Souls at work. Rather than try to understand everything that’s happening all at once, I focus on one incident at a time and let the rest sort of just flow into the background of my subconscious. I shudder to think of the damage I’m doing to my psyche, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay to foil Zhen Shi’s plans yet again, and I make sure to celebrate the minor successes that I can before I become overwhelmed by all the devastating losses.
Like seeing how far the Stormguard have come in so short a time. A year doesn’t seem like much, but in war, you learn fast or die trying, and these men and women are survivors first and foremost. Discipline above all else, that’s the philosophy with which Akanai approached their training, because at the time, the Stormguard were all newly minted Martial Warriors and we needed them battle-ready as quickly as possible, and the easiest way to do so was to ensure they knew how to work together. Though their initial speed of development was impressive, after being tempered in the heat of multiple battles, the Stormguard are showing other Martial Warriors how a true soldier should fight. Standing shoulder to shoulder in tight formation, they form two braced lines of bristling spears which the Defiled throw themselves on time and time again, with a third line standing two steps back ready and waiting to support their comrades should they falter. Their tactics are simple and effective, with no flashy Movements or fancy Chi skills, just thrust and retract, with the occasional application of boot whenever necessary. A far cry from the soldiers around them, who need room apart to swing their weapons and thus are fighting next to one another rather than as a unified whole, and the difference is staggering to behold. Most Imperial units are just barely clinging on even though the fighting just started, the pressure mounting with each passing second as the unending waves of Defiled threaten to overrun their position, but the Stormguard are a sea of calm in an otherwise turbulent ocean as they hold the line with ruthless efficiency.
Granted, this sort of tactic is most effective against the unarmoured tribals, but considering those make up the bulk of the Enemy forces, that’s nothing to sneeze at. What’s more, the Stormguard’s smooth sailing is in part thanks to their exemplary officers, Warriors who were promoted from within their own ranks and have earned the trust of their soldiers with blood, sweat, and tears.
Officers like dauntless Ogum Chuwon, a dusky, southern-born father of two who lost his wife and children to Defiled bandits years ago, and was never the same since. He moved to Central with his brother to lend a hand on the farm, but when the recruitment call went out, he was among the first to respond. At forty-three years old, he was well past his prime for a commoner, and it showed in his slender, wiry frame and wrinkled, weather-worn complexion, but he saw an opportunity to avenge his family and he would not be swayed. Though far from the most able or talented of Irregulars, his persistence and determination won his comrades over, and those same qualities have seen him progress as a Martial Warrior to stand head and shoulders above the rest. He’s no innate genius, no brilliant duellist, just a tried-and-true soldier who does what he’s told and fights with the fury of five soldiers and the endurance of three.
He was one of the Irregulars who came to my rescue in JiangHu, hurtling himself at a wave of Demons with only an iron knife in hand. He had no expectations of survival when he did so, only a desperate desire to buy even a single second by sacrificing his life, a trade he thought well spent. Today, he stands with Spiritual Spear in hand and impales the Defiled as they approach, emitting a steady, standard Aura of courage and conviction to bolster the hearts of his allies while reassuring his people that victory is all but assured now that the Legate is here to fight alongside them.
A thought echoed by Yazhu, a cobbler’s son turned Stormguard Banner Bearer, who even not refuses to put it down as he wields his Spiritual Spear with one hand. Darting Fang, Pierce the Horizon, Skewer the Blossom, and more, his every thrust displays a different variation of a Movement which encompasses a wealth of hidden nuances he has yet to wholly understand, but he doesn’t even bother trying. Not that he has to, as he immerses himself in Insight and discards logical reasoning in favour of gut instinct and tactile response. Just as he was the first to sound the rallying cry in JiangHu, he leads his comrades from the front, driving them ever forward step by step in his eagerness to test his newfangled abilities and denying the Enemy purchase upon the parapets.
Shodo, Wen Na, Tengo, and more, the Officers of the Stormguard rise up to the occasion as my severed Natal Souls help further them along the Martial Path. Every member of the Stormguard receives some benefit, for they are more receptive of my assistance than most, because each and every one of them has the utmost faith in my abilities and believes I will lead them to a resounding victory once again. There is a power in faith that I cannot describe, a unifying strength and bolstering influence that affects not only those who have faith, but also those around them who lack it. The other Imperial soldiers see the Stormguard fight without fear, which is enough to ignite their courage and competitive spirits as they refuse to be outdone by a band of Martial Warriors who formed their Cores only a year ago, which sets into motion a chain reaction that has all of Shi Bei fighting that much fiercer as they embrace faith and hope upon the battlefield.
Courage and determination alone are not enough to hold back the Enemy however, and while the rank-and-file Stormguard are lacking in personal strength, their commander and second-in-command are more than enough to hold up the Heavens for now. At twenty-eight years young, Lixian is by far the most promising of the bunch and it shows as he stands apart from his soldiers to draw the attentions of all Champions and Chieftains towards him. With Runic Shield raised to cover most of his hunched frame and Spiritual Spear held ready to thrust, his stance is hardly the most domineering around, but it’s difficult to argue against results. Block and thrust, that’s how most his duels start and end, with a single block and a single thrust. An amateur might see this and think Lixian’s opponents were trash, but an expert would point out the precision and timing of his blocks and counters, for he does far more than just wait for impact. The former farm-hand has a knack for active blocking, meeting every strike with one of his own to throw off his opponent’s sense of timing and create an opening for the subsequent killing thrust. Neck, heart, liver, and groin, these are his favoured targets, all fatal targets save for the last, but not even the crazed Defiled can keep fighting with their nether-regions impaled.
In keeping with the theme of frightening efficiency, my former second Mister Rustram had finally come into his own as a Warrior of renown, wielding his rapier to kill every Enemy who comes within range. A deceptively long range to boot, given his newfangled familiarity with Domain Plating and Honing, which he uses to extend the length of his thin sword and kill without even having to touch his foes. A skill he picked up all on his own I might add, without the need for assistance from my Natal Souls, so the only help I offer now is a quick top off of his Core. With Yazhu holding the centre, and Ogum, Shodo, Wen Na, and Tengo on the wings, their battle-line soon turns into a crescent moon, with either end pushing forward while the centre stands in place, creating a killing ground around Rustram and Lixian standing alone at the forefront.
Despite having distanced myself emotionally from the fray, I cannot help but personally lend Rustram a hand, because despite his outer veneer of calm confidence, I can sense his concern stewing within. The moment I see a lull in the fighting, I Send, “Sai Chou is alive and well,” and it’s heartening to see his shoulders visibly relax as he takes in the good news. “Shares partial credit for killing Mataram YuChun as well.” Concern and pride war within my good friend, as well as no small amount of self-deprecation, no doubt lamenting how he’s even less worthy of his wife now that she’s killed a Peak Expert who was well on his way to becoming a Living Legend, a sentiment I relate with all too well. “Just a suggestion regarding your new ability to solidify your Domain; it is a skill as flexible as your imagination can make it, so don’t get too fixated on this singular use.”
Advice which he immediately puts to good use by extending his foot to trip a Champion trying to push past him, except the Champion was well out of normal reach. That’s Mister Rustram for you, always using his head, and I would love the chance to tell him that he doesn’t actually need to extend his foot at all, or even create an obstacle using his Plated Domain. Cover the floor in Deflecting Domain and watch your opponents slip like they stepped on a banana peel, or use it as a foot or handhold to brace against in order to change your angle of attack. There’s probably a whole wealth of other applications for Plated Domain, to say nothing of the defensive aspects which I should really learn, but Mister Rustram is in the thick of it now and I can’t afford to distract him again.
Trusting in Mom’s chosen guards to keep her Disciple alive, I move on to other small successes on the battlefield and find my good friend Fung in low-spirits as he fights with everything he’s got. Not because of the actual battle and bloodshed itself, which he hates but understands is necessary, but reading emotions is not the same as reading minds. It takes a good few seconds to parse through his feelings to figure out of the source of his despondence, but his actions tell me more than his words or emotions ever will. First off is his lack of poetry, which I only recently theorized might be his way of regulating his breathing and flow of Chi, but he fights in silence and suffers for it. Not to say he’s doing poorly, because with sword in hand, Fung is easily able to match and young Warrior in the Empire short of the truly exemplary stand-out talents, but today, he lacks his usual calm and confident demeanour. This does him no favours, for his greatest strength is his formless style, able to strike or defend from any angle or stance without so much as a hint of warning. Fung achieves this by keeping his shoulders and upper arms slack and devoid of tension, but he’s out of sorts as he fights here today, his muscles all strained and taut from apprehension.
It’s not death he fears, or even defeat, because he’s wholly confident of leaving Shi Bei alive, even if the worst should come to pass. No, my good friend is twisting himself into knots because he’s standing so close to the woman he loves, yet unable to express his affection in any way, shape, or form.
Despite being an easy going and affable sort, Fung is not without his pride, and in his eyes, Seoyoon has made her choice to reject him, so he will not go begging for her to take him back. That doesn’t mean he’s over her however, as nothing could be further from the truth, because he’s discovered that no amount of meaningless sex will ever make him feel the way he feels about Seoyoon. I knew he was down bad and tried to help him get over it, but I never noticed that he doesn’t want to be over it. He wants to win her back, by hook or by crook, but his ego will not allow it, because his self-esteem took a great blow when Seoyoon ended things as she did, and he knows his heart cannot bear a second rejection.
Not even a hundred meters away from where my friend stands, Seoyoon fights with a similar lack of spirit, though you wouldn’t know it to look at her. Visually, she appears calm, cool, and collected as she wields her twin swords with grace and aplomb, but inside she is just as big a mess as Fung is, if not more. Every time she finds a moment to spare, she glances over in Fung’s direction, and their eyes have met more than once only for circumstances to demand their attentions elsewhere, but there’s no mistaking the hope and expectation in Seoyoon’s heart every time their eyes meet, or the pain and disappointment when Fung inevitably turns away. Why? As far as I could tell, Seoyoon could easily have refused being betrothed to Yong-Jin, especially considering his relationship with Shuai Jiao is more commander and subordinate than father and son. They share a bond of trust and respect that cannot be broken, but that’s all there is to it, so while the world sees Seoyoon’s marriage with Yong-Jin as a tie between the Ryo Family and Shuai Jiao, those in the know can see that it does almost nothing to bind them, for the Wood Blessed Mentor and Disciple pair are nothing if not pragmatic.
So why would Seoyoon accept a betrothal she clearly doesn’t want when she’s head over heels for Fung? I mean, her brother was so against the marriage he refused to even participate in the planning, which was why he wasn’t present during Shuai Jiao’s trap of a meeting, so there must be more to this marriage than meets the eye, but I sure as hell can’t figure it out. All I can do is dispatch two severed Natal Souls to the two star-crossed lovers and try to show them how much they mean to one another. “Remember who you are,” I Send to Fung, once I’m certain he has time to listen, “Tong Da Fung, the Great Wind of the Typhoon Brothers, a light-hearted and carefree poet and lover. She’s made her choice, but if there’s a man more charming and convincing than you are, then I’ve yet to meet him.”
“…And what happens if she rejects me again?”
In all our years together, I’ve never heard Fung sound so bitter and heartbroken, because even though I know he’s been broken up about Seoyoon, he never once mentioned it out loud. “Then at the very least, you’ll know you gave it your all and can continue on without regret. Sometimes, things are not meant to be, but you’ll never know until you exhaust all other options. I’ll tell you this much though, you’ll have a better chance of winning her over if you if you behaved more like yourself, and less like a sad sap whose lost all will to live.”
Though there’s no reply from my good friend, I can sense Fung’s begrudging amusement and rekindled hope as his spirits lift once more, and his swordsmanship improves drastically as he relaxes and recites his first poem of the day. Over on Seoyoon’s side, she has yet to wholly understand what just happened when she subconsciously accepted my Natal Soul’s bundled emotions, but I can sense her spirits lifting as she looks over to see the man she loves in full form once again. That’s why she fell in love with him the first place, not simply because of his dashing good looks and impeccable charm, but because of his carefree and lackadaisical demeanour which was wholly at odds with his superlative skill. This was a man who defeated her older brother whom Seoyoon idolized with all her heart, so when she dug deeper to try and understand how a no-good layabout could match the great Ryo Geom-Chi, she uncovered the little-known secret of how Tong Da Fung is, above all else, an upright and honourable man.
A rare thing to find in the Empire these days, especially in someone as talented and well-off as Fung, and she soon found herself swept off her feet by his silvered tongued charms.
I hope things work out between them, especially now that I know Seoyoon isn’t as cold and apathetic as she appears. That’s just a façade, a front she puts up because she doesn’t know how to be strong and feminine like her older sister, and its just easier to feign utter indifference than walk the fine line between Warrior and woman that everyone expects from her.
Speaking of which, Ryo Da’in is similarly conflicted, except in her case, the object of her affection refuses to even glance in her direction. Not because Kyung isn’t enamoured with the beautiful Sword Princess of Central, but because he believes himself unworthy of her affections. Of any affection, in fact, and Kyung counts himself blessed to have been adopted and spoiled by his hero and idol, the great Du Min Gyu. As a slave, Kyung has seen the worst humanity has to offer, so he cherishes what he’s found all the more, but it’s also left him wary about asking for more. He’s a lot like Song in this regard, too afraid to even hope because experience has taught him that hope almost always ends in disappointment, which is why he refuses to admit to himself that he is deeply in love with Ryo Da’in.
As for Da’in, she knows she loves Kyung, but also knows it cannot be, and after wracking my brain for a bit, I come to the conclusion that Da’in’s particular brand of resignation stems from responsibility and obligation. Even though she loves Kyung and dreams of marrying him, she knows it can never be, but life Fung, she has her pride and it stings to know that the man of her dreams rebuffed her prior advances. That’s human nature however, because if Kyung had drooled over her like every other man she knows, she might never have given him a second glance, though that might just be my own bias colouring my perception. Regardless of the reasons, I can tell Da’in is… not torn up, but feeling vulnerable, because no matter how beautiful a woman might be, it’s difficult to feel beautiful when the man you love refuses to even acknowledge your existence after almost twenty days of non-stop fighting.
I don’t really understand Da’in, not in the slightest. She was all ready and raring to jump Kyung’s bones before her mother caught her in the attempt, and she’s still unwilling to give up on the notion of romance despite knowing it can never be. It’s not because of their status, because if it were, she’d never have given him a second glance, but there are other factors keeping them apart, ones Da’in wholeheartedly accepts, but that doesn’t stop her from wondering, “What if?” Such alluring words, what if, and I know just how seductive they can be, as I love nothing more than pondering what I could do if things were just slightly different.
Alas, there’s nothing I can do for Da’in and Kyung, as neither one is receptive to a Natal Soul, but these two phenomenal Warriors need no assistance from me because they are already beloved by the Heavens above. Da’in embodies the pinnacle of skill, while Kyung exemplifies violence unbound, the gentle sword and domineering sabre so at odds with their respective personalities. Maybe that’s what drew them to one another in the first place, or maybe it’s Kyung’s rugged good looks. Who knows. All I can do is wish them the best and move on to see where else I can be of use.
There are so many more people to visit, but even most of my friends aren’t open to receiving any assistance, because most Martial Warriors have long since learned to rely only on themselves. That’s the problem with having to forge your own Path, as it instills a sort of arrogance and vanity in a Warrior since technically, they will always know best. Wu Gam fights on without any real care or concern aside from one, and I can make neither heads nor tails of his emotions, because as far as I can tell, he’s wondering if he’ll ever see his Mentor and half-brother again. Wu Gam sees the writing on the wall and believes Shi Bei will soon be lost, but rather than worry about his own life, it’s Exarch Gam he’s concerned about, because… he’s not sure if their Ancestral Beast of a mother will bother to save him in a pinch. Though somewhat naïve and simple-minded, Wu Gam is far from stupid, and he knows their mother doesn’t love her children and sees them as nothing more than an investment. An investment into what, Wu Gam doesn’t seem to know or care, but he doesn’t idolize her the way his half-brother, Mentor, and father figure does. Wu Gam has done the math, and he knows that even an Ancestral Beast will have trouble getting out of Shi Bei unscathed, so he’s unsure if he should say goodbye now just in case, or pray for the best and hope they both make it out of here alive.
And honestly? I’m not sure what to say about that, especially considering its like 75% guesswork…
Huushal fights alongside his wives and retinue, but in his mind, there is only death and bloodshed as he throws himself at the Enemy time and time again. He loves battle as much as Dad does, relishes the thrill because he never feels more alive than when he takes another person’s life. It’s an ugly truth to admit, and Huu blames it all on the wolf inside, but I would wager this stems from his human side instead. Wolves don’t live to hunt, they hunt to live, a message I am wary to pass on just yet, because I’m not sure how receptive my friend will be. His rage and fury are frightening to behold, but I can also sense a thread of fear buried deep inside, entwinned with more than a hint of schadenfreude.
Because Huu has been hunted before, has lost people he loved for it, and he is terrified of becoming prey again, so instead, he embraces the role of hunter and killer instead.
It makes so much sense that I feel stupid for not seeing it before. It wasn’t just losing his uncle Kalil, but also having to run from the Society Contests as well, feeling helpless and vulnerable while he and his parents were at the mercy of others for so long. Even though Ghurda is a Peak Expert, Elia and Chakha are just normal half-beasts. Stronger than your average commoner, but hardly a match for even a middling Martial Warrior, meaning that after coming out into the world for the first time, Huu found himself responsible for his parents’ safety while fleeing from Society assassins and helpless to do anything about it. That more than anything set him on this self-destructive path, because in his fear, he found the wolf, and now refuses to ever be prey again, but fear is not the enemy. Fear is natural and healthy, for it warns you of danger, but Huu suppresses his fear because he is too afraid to ever allow himself to feel it. That’s the root cause of his imbalance, one which is driving him further and further away from the people he loves as he runs headlong towards disaster.
“It’s okay to be scared.” Not caring if I distract him, I Send my thoughts and emotions to Huu, who is so closed off he doesn’t even notice his wives struggling to keep up, meaning there’s no chance for a Natal Soul to get through. “Fear means you have something to lose, and you are strongest when you fight to protect. The wolf hunts to feed the pack. The Warrior fights to protect the Empire. What do you fight for, Huushal?”
Seeing my friend’s inner struggle is heart wrenching to behold, but I breathe a sigh of relief as his eyes turn towards his wives before he reins himself in on the battlements. No longer does he charge headlong into the fray, running this way and that along the battlements in search of a foe to slaughter, and instead, he takes a step back to rest and recuperate. His wives fall in alongside him, their shoulders heaving and lungs burning, and Huu berates himself for not seeing it sooner as he gestures for them both to stand behind him. Not to take them out of the fight, but so they can fight in tandem, with him in the vanguard and their spears guarding his flanks as they hold their ground together. A small step towards progress, but a significant one, because Huu has now acknowledged his fear and no longer allows it to control him.
Seeing Huu take a step back to relax, I allow myself a moment to breathe as well, but as soon as I do, all the tension slips away and I fall back into the pool of my once-distanced emotions and my migraine returns in full force. I’m not sure what it is that gives me away, but Dad’s hand settles on my shoulder to help steady me in place, and I realize I almost swooned and showed weakness in front of all the soldiers of Shi Bei. “Thanks, Dad,” I Send, but he waves it off while throwing up a Sound Barrier around us, and immediately, I know I somehow done fucked up today.
No matter how old or strong I get, I think I’ll always feel this way around Dad when he gets all serious and matter-of-fact, like a child about to be lectured for something I’ve done wrong.
“You are not resting.” Not a question, a statement, but I nod along regardless, and he makes a muted grunt of discontent. “You need rest. Now that you have now become a pillar of the Empire, you will need strength to hold up the Heavens for others. It will not do for them to see you fall and falter now, not after so grand an entrance.”
Dad loved seeing me come crashing in atop a wave and can’t wait to tell everyone he knows about it. Glad he enjoyed it, but it really was exhausting, and I couldn’t stop after I started until we arrived at Shi Bei. Only now do I truly understand what it means to get on the back of a tiger, because once there, you’re pot committed with no way out until the tiger just gives up and lays down. “I’ll be fine,” I lie, focusing on my feet as I try to put together the words to explain things, but I can barely hear my own thoughts over the blood rushing through my head. “There’s still so much I can do which Mila didn’t really get into, and I’m not sure how to explain.”
“You are doing what you did in JiangHu and using your Natal Souls to aid the soldiers of Shi Bei.”
“…Yea that’s pretty much.” Got it in one. Damn, my head must be hurting even more than I thought.”
A bark of laughter makes me look up from the ground, only to instantly regret moving my head, but Dad’s grin is more than enough to make up for it. “Good, good. And here I thought you’d progressed so far that I no longer had anything left to teach you.” Patting my head like I’m twelve again, he drapes his arm over my shoulder and pulls me close for a brief hug, but it doesn’t last long because he remains ever vigilant against Wraiths or worse who might be gunning for my head. “No man is an island, not even one as powerful as you. You take on too much responsibility boy, and must learn to share your burdens and trust your comrades.” Gesturing out at the Defiled horde and the walls of Shi Bei, he continues, “This is your stage, but you must wait until it comes your turn to fight. Soldiers to fight soldiers, generals to fight generals, this is the way of war, and you are no longer a soldier.”
Something in my expression must have given away my thoughts, because Dad eyes me with a smug smile and waits for my rebuttal. “I can help them win though,” is all I can muster, which is a weak argument even to my ears. “Or at least, reduce the number of casualties.”
“At what cost?” Seeing my blank look, Dad explains, “Imagine if you had a weapon that could win this battle outright, but doing would cause famine to sweep across the Empire and kill millions through starvation. Would you use it?”
“No, of course not.”
Dad nods, but we’re not done yet. “Even if our defeat is written in stone?”
“Yea. I mean, yes, I would not use it.”
“Even knowing that a loss here means the Defiled are free to run rampant throughout the West killing far more than a famine ever would?”
“That’s…” I want to say not fair, but this is essentially what we’re fighting for, so really, it’s an apt comparison. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly, because I really can’t be sure. “The logical thing to do would be to use the weapon and bring on the famine, but life isn’t about raw numbers. Just because less people die this way doesn’t make it better.”
“And this is where you are mistaken,” Dad replies, scanning the horizon for possible threats. “This is not life, but war, and war is largely a matter of numbers. I would use the weapon in a heartbeat, because death by famine is a far better alternative to leaving the Enemy unscathed.” Glancing at me out of the corner of my eye, he grimaces and says, “You value the lives of your soldiers and do everything you can to preserve their strength, which most times is the mark of a good commander, but you fail to take into account the cost of those lives.”
“One man’s strength to save hundreds, if not thousands of soldiers seems like a good trade to me.”
“Perhaps, if that one man were anyone other than you.” Running his hand over his clean-shaven chin which he kept beardless despite fighting day and night for two weeks, Dad shakes the rain out of his eyes and says, “You will find this truth unpleasant to bear, but war is an unpleasant affair, so heed me and do not argue before considering my words carefully. Your life is worth more than the hundreds or thousands or even millions of lives you might save expending your strength in this manner.”
My gut instinct is to deny it with all my heart, but I take Dad’s advice to heart and carefully consider what he just said, only to realize that he’s absolutely right. If for whatever reason the Enemy chooses to break the Treaty, then I am the only one who stands a chance at keeping them from nuking all of Shi Bei into oblivion, or deploying their hidden stocks of Anathema to eat away at the walls and soldiers alike. Seeing my crestfallen expression, Dad sighs and pats me on the back and says, “You are a kind boy, and always have been, which I have always admired about you. To have seen such darkness and emerge better for it, I cannot say I am capable of doing the same.” The sympathy vanishes from his expression as Dad fades into the background and is replaced by Major General Baatar. “But the Defiled have come to Shi Bei with the intent to slaughter us all, and you can no longer afford to be so idealistic. Soldiers will fight and die, but their lives are a price which must be paid, because this is only the beginning.”
A part of me can’t help but wonder if he’s disappointed I didn’t drown the entire army of Defiled with my tidal wave, despite everything he said about it before, but the question disappears as he turns and winks showing an expression that is just brimming with love and affection, and no small amount of excitement to boot. “Now rest, because I am eager to see what you can accomplish with your newfangled strength, and more than a little curious as to where your limits might lie.”
“But… uh…” Glancing around in search of Akanai, I lower my voice despite knowing we’re behind a Sound Barrier with no one else privy to our conversation. “Grand-Mentor told me not to push my limits…” Else I’d be gunning for Zhen Shi, except I have no idea where he is since I can no longer feel the presence of my severed bits of soul. Not a good sign, but there’s nothing I can do about it just yet, which is why I’ve been avoiding thinking about it at all.
“And I would never tell you to disobey her,” Dad replies, looking away not because he’s being vigilant, but so he has plausible deniability, “But… there are rare occasions when she can be… overly cautious. Besides,” he adds, quickly changing the subject and while also looking around to see if she’s listening, “She meant the limits of Divinity, whereas I was speaking of the limits to your strength under Divinity, which surely you are curious about as well.”
Dad knows me all too well.
Following his advice, I keep a handful of Call Centre Agents to monitor the battlefield before reabsorbing the rest, and utter a sigh of relief as my pounding migraine has reduces down to a sharp throbbing roar. Moving to a safer place under the cover of Concealment, I settle down and cross my legs to rest and meditate while reflecting on all my recent gains in preparation for the battle ahead. Even though I’m still a little conflicted about all the killing, I’m also kind of excited about testing out my newfangled abilities to kill. Dad’s right. I’m in love with death and I have no qualms about killing, so long as its within reason, which is why I intend to take the fight to those juicy Demons and Half-Demons lingering about the periphery. Any Wraiths, Champions, Chieftains, or Chosen who get in my way can die too, but the main focus will be the guilt-free slaughter of inhuman Demons and incorrigible Half-Demons, meaning I’ll need more than just temporary Keystones to deal with what comes next.
And you know what? It occurs to me that if I can sacrifice Natal Souls to help other people find Insight, shouldn’t I be able to trade bits of my soul for the same thing? Only one way to find out…
Time passes, and when I open my eyes again, I see Dad motioning for me to stand. “Come,” he says, flashing his wolfish grin, and I feel a matching one spread across my face. “Show your father what you can do boy, and let us teach the Enemy the true meaning of regret.”
Author's note: I'm a little torn on the ending. I considered cutting the chapter off at Huu and coming at this from Baatar's PoV instead, but I'll leave those last bits here for now. I'l l try to have something out before sunday, but no promises
