T. A. Star
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38 - Run Away
🕑 Added 2024-07-11 00:01:06 +0000 UTC
Uriel lay in bed idly playing with Dazien’s freshly unbraided hair as the gemite slept beside him. The Defender had always been a heavier sleeper than him, which allowed him moments like this. Moments of peace and quiet contemplation away from the noise of the world with the person who kept him grounded. His Pillar.
Would he be the reason this Pillar would crumble? He had always worried about that possibility, but he had trusted Dazien’s reassurances. That was when they were both orphans with nobody but each other who truly understood one another. Things were different now.
Tomorrow, Dazien would show the world that he had proven worthy of nobility. Not born, but chosen to join it. A step closer to his long-held dreams. Yet Uriel continued to worry that he would be the one to destroy those dreams. It wasn’t enough for him to try hiding in his king’s shadow.
Patricia might have been trying to play at his fears, but deep down, he knew she wasn’t wrong. He would be a blight upon their family. Even in the best-case scenario, if his secrets became known, the entire House would be cast into doubt and fear if they didn’t cast him out instead. It would be a disaster. A social cataclysm.
He had wanted to explain himself to Phoenix –especially before Patricia or someone else did it for him– but Trickster’s appearance and hidden messages were clear to him. Telling the truth would be the wrong move.
“But is that a trick, too?” he murmured aloud to himself.
“Is what a trick?” Dazien asked, turning to face him with a yawn.
“Trickster warned me not to tell Phoenix the truth about me.”
“All the more reason to tell her then,” his partner replied promptly, “We’ve gone around and around about this. It’s starting to get tiring. I thought you decided you wanted to tell her before the reveal tomorrow?”
“I did… but now I’m wondering which god is going to show up to interrupt next time,” he admitted with a sigh.
Dazien chuckled, “Just tell her tonight, after your appointment with Jacob. You’re usually in a better mood after meeting with him.”
“Unless I’m very not,” the mage replied with a grimace, “I still don’t know how that man manages to make me cry more than anyone else.”
The gemite laughed, “He’s good at what he does.”
Uriel nodded as his partner rolled out of the large bed and was clothed the next moment with a shimmer of golden glitter. They were currently at the Wayland Estate in Tulimeir, not bothering to portal back to the World Tree the night before as they still had errands to run in the city today as well.
“You’re getting new clothes today?” he double-checked as he too climbed out of bed and got dressed in the more mundane method, pants first.
“Patricia insisted,” Dazien said with a sigh.
“I thought you’d be more excited about all of this.”
“I thought so too, honestly,” the gemite admitted with a shrug, “I guess my mind is still stuck on not wanting to waste Bits on unnecessary extravagance. It’s one thing to go have some fun at a nicer restaurant but I’m terrified to hear the price for the clothes I’ll be getting fitted for.”
He chuckled, “At least I won’t have to go through all of that.”
Dazien frowned at him, “I still wish you would be there.” Then his usual grin appeared as he added, “Show the world my Senechal.”
Uriel looked away, not wanting to reveal his worries, as he said, “We should probably get going. Lots to do today.”
“Hello again, Uriel,” Jacob greeted him at the door to the room of pillows that hadn’t changed much over the years since he first arrived here.
He made his way over to the couch and sat on the end he preferred away from the window.
Jacob sat on the other end of the couch, slightly turned to face him, and began to say, “What do you want to–”
“Phoenix told you about Trickster, right?” he interjected. He didn’t need the usual prompting question today. He knew what he wanted to talk about already.
The older cinderen got an amused look and said, “You know I’m not supposed to talk about other people I help out. I made that clear when I first found out about your connection with her.”
Uriel rolled his eyes, “I just don’t want to repeat it all if you already know.”
“Well, let’s assume I do know, and I can ask clarifying questions if I don’t,” the mind mender said, holding back a grin.
“That works,” he replied, “Do you think it was all a trick to try and keep me from telling Phoenix my secrets or just getting a Soul Mark on her?”
“You think Trickster was warning you away?” the priest asked in confusion.
“She said ‘the truth isn’t always the best choice’ and that ‘It could easily end up hurting someone, and you could lose a friend or more.’ That definitely felt like warning me to shut my mouth about it.”
Jacob hummed thoughtfully for a moment before asking, “What was it you told Phoenix about listening to that goddess?”
He paused for a moment, then muttered, “That it’s always a trick.”
“Seems like you already have your answer then.”
Uriel groaned in frustration, snagging one of the fluffier pillows to occupy his hands as he tried to explain, “I’ve tried telling Phoenix three times now. The first and third times, a literal god interrupted me. If that’s not a warning sign, I’m not sure what is.”
“Uriel, do you mind humoring me with a little game of ‘What if’?” the mender asked with a small smile.
Another groan escaped his lips, “I don’t like this game. It always feels like I lose somehow.”
Jacob laughed, “It’s not really that kind of game.”
“I know… which makes it worse somehow.”
“We don’t have to if you really don’t want to.”
He gave a heavy sigh, staring up at the ceiling as he relented, “No, it’s fine. What’s the scenario?”
“You have just told Phoenix all of your deepest, darkest secrets. She knows everything about you and your past. What’s the worst that happens?”
“She tries to murder me?”
“Then you’ve got nothing to worry about after that.”
“That’s a bit dark, even for me.”
The mender laughed but said seriously, “I know you don’t fear death, Uriel. No more than any other Adventurer. You’ve faced it too many times and still fight it. Fear is what happens when we’re still alive, so what’s the worst thing that could happen if Phoenix knew?”
Uriel fell silent, trying to picture her reaction –the look on her face and the words he feared the most.
His heart felt like it was being clenched in a vice grip as he quietly voiced the fear, “She says she hates me and wants me to leave forever.”
“Alright,” the priest replied with a nod, “A terrible outcome indeed. So, what’s the best thing that could happen?”
“It’s hard to picture anything aside from that worst outcome,” he admitted.
“That’s one of the reasons we play this game, remember?”
The Mage gave an annoyed huff but tried to picture it. Tried to imagine what he wanted to happen. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips as the picture solidified.
“She accepts it and hugs me anyway. Probably followed by yelling at me for not telling her sooner.”
“Huh,” Jacob said, which caused him to look at the man curiously.
“What?”
“Nothing, really. I just don’t get to see that particular look on your face very often.”
“What look?”
The priest smiled gently, “Hope.”
Uriel wasn’t sure how to respond to that, but he didn’t need to as Jacob gave the next prompt for the game, “So if you want to achieve that best outcome and avoid the worst, do you think letting her find out later or from some other source is going to achieve that?”
He gave a sigh, “See, I knew I was going to lose this game.”
Jacob chuckled, “You already know what you want, which used to be the hard part for you. If you’re going to have any chance of getting that, what do you think is the best way to make that happen?”
Uriel wearily spoke the answer, “I have to tell her myself and be prepared for the worst.”
Saiya took a steadying breath. She hadn’t tried something quite like this before, but she had read about a lot of new techniques and remembered that the last time she had seen some actual growth from the broody cinderen was when she went ahead and vocalized her concerns with him. Convincing him to try living without the emotion-numbing earrings had been a triumph.
If she just talked with him calmly and compassionately, she could make him understand that all that pain he kept bottled up inside needed to be released. She would listen, observe, and give a little push to help him break through his self-imposed limitations. Simple.
The healer knocked on the door labeled “Grumpy Uriel,” but no response came from within. She frowned, having hoped to catch him alone while Dazien and Phoenix were going over the events for tomorrow’s reveal.
She walked to the next door labeled, “Big Brother Dazien,” and this time, it opened after a few moments as Uriel glanced down at her.
He gave her a curious look and said, “Daze is at the–”
“I wanted to talk with you, actually,” she interjected, “Can I come in for a bit?”
The mage looked surprised but took a few steps back to open the door and let her into Dazien’s room, “I was just reading,” Uriel explained, gesturing back to the chair near the hearth, “What did you want to talk about?”
Saiya hesitated slightly but sat near him on a sofa as she tried to explain, “I just… well, I’ve been a bit concerned about you lately.”
He chuckled, “I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me, Saiya. I’m pretty sure I told you that before, too.”
The voxen scrunched her nose and then pushed, “But you’re not fine. You know I can feel your emotions as clear as glass now.”
Uriel frowned at her, “Alright, I’m not fine. It’s still nothing to worry over. I’ve told you about losing my family, and you’ve lost your own. You already know that’s hard to get past.”
“I don’t think this is about your family. Lately, you’ve felt an incredible amount of guilt and terror whenever you’re around Dazien and Phoenix. What are you so ashamed of?”
To her surprise, the cinderen glared at her and scowled, “Are you trying to pry my secrets from me?”
“Your emotions aren’t a secret.”
“They should be,” he growled, “Why do you think I want to tell anyone what I’m ashamed about?”
“You can’t keep bottling things up, Uriel. It’s not healthy, and I know you don’t like having secrets from everyone. I can feel it. The longing when you stop speaking. The fear when Phoenix talks about our pasts or future. The guilt you feel every time someone mentions Dazien becoming a Wayland. The anger when you and Patricia are in the same room,” she listed, then asked, “If it’s not a secret you’re ashamed of, then what is it? Do you wish Dazien wasn’t getting adopted?”
“What? No. He deserves this,” Uriel replied in confusion, “You don’t understand–”
“Then help me understand,” she stressed, her ears drooping along with her mood, “I can’t help you if you won’t let me. I can feel you getting angrier at me now, but I’m only speaking the truth. I know you feel–”
“You don’t need to tell me what I feel!” he shocked her by yelling as he abruptly stood, “I know it, and I don’t need you trying to fix it!”
“I may not be the most experienced healer that knows the right answer or method to help you but I’m not going to sit silent anymore and watch you lie to both of them! Let you lie to my face–”
“I’m not lying!”
“You’re hiding! I don’t know what you think you’re protecting everyone from, but you’re just going to hurt them and yourself!”
“I know!” he surprised her again by admitting as he tossed his hands in the air, “Damn it, Saiya, that’s what I’ve been saying this whole time!”
She felt his frustration and anger filling her senses and bleeding into her own that had been simmering over the past few days as she felt the tears prick at the corner of her eyes, “See, you’re lying to yourself again! If you were so afraid of hurting everyone, why bother being in our party? Why comfort Phoenix? Why stand beside Dazien or bow before him? If you really thought you were… were… were some kind of poison, then why don’t you just run away and have nothing to do with us? I know you–”
“Because I’m selfish!” he shouted at her, “Okay? Is that what you want to hear?”
Saiya was stunned as she felt that he truly believed that, and he continued tearing himself down, “Because I know I’m going to drag you all down, but I’m selfish and want what I shouldn’t have; what I don’t deserve.”
That was not an answer she had been expecting, “No, that’s not–” he was supposed to realize that he knew he was worth more than he pretended, “You weren’t supposed to think–”
“Just because you can sense my emotions doesn’t mean you can know what I think, Saiya,” Uriel said flatly, interrupting her stammering, “I’m a selfish man who deserves to be punished, but can’t bring myself to do it.”
Saiya silently cursed her escaping tears as she weakly denied, “I can’t believe that. I’ve seen how you care for them. I’ve felt it.”
He gave another glare as he retorted, “That doesn’t mean I deserve to be with them. The sun can love the moons, but it doesn’t mean they should be together.”
As she tried to come up with the right words to counter that, Uriel scrunched his face in disgust, and she could feel the wave of guilt and loathing as he said, “There. Now you know something I’ve never told anyone else. Not even Priest Jacob.”
Before she could recover from her stunned silence, he left the room.
Comments
Nathaniel Cloud
... Well freaking heck. I'd just started letting myself hope for Uriel after the talk with the therapist, and then... Well. Thanks for the chapter!
