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2024, day 3
🕑 Added 2024-01-03 17:32:28 +0000 UTCGood morning.
It's many minutes past 10 o'clock at night time but I feel like I've only just woken up...in life.
I have a lot to say, so I'm gonna try to say it all instead of, you know, not saying it all, at all.
Yesterday, I came across a video I made from January 1st, 2018.
It blew my mind and put it back in my skull. I looked so different, I thought so different. I was so different but same. I forgot about this person. I wondered where she went. Yet it feels like I've been searching for her all this time, especially in the last 2 years where I've been so lost career-wise. Although I have a greater sense of direction now, I still carry a lot of confusion about how to do -the thing-.
In this 13 minutes, 12 seconds long video, I talk about what I expect from 2018, my goals in life, my friends that I was outgrowing, my comics, wanting to save money to take my parents on a trip, wanting to do this, wanting to do that and 6 years later I'm just looking at this video with my mouth and eyes wide open.
I was the person I want to become, again.
6 years ago I was 20. I had the spark of youth glowing in my brain and eyes. I was obsessed with the potential things held. I felt driven.
Today, I sit in my pretty little room that I made for myself to work and feel good in...and I feel empty. Sometimes it makes me feel good but as the days go by, I'm just left wondering and stressing about money and recognition. I'm sick of it. I've been complacent. Puke emoji.
The last year felt like I did nothing and I was beating myself up for it. I couldn't make very many comics about my life or days or thoughts like I used to and I feel like I couldn't post a lot on Patreon. I feel this guilt that I cannot shake off.
But today, a friend came over and I was telling her how I feel like I haven't done anything in the last year besides Shampoo and Daddy. And she emphasized on how I made Shampoo and Daddy and how I traveled to Delhi, Bangalore, Bombay quite a lot this year. How I made an effort to step out of my zones and talk to new people. I did do things but just because these things didn't bring more money into my life, doesn't meant they're nothing.
I did have to spend a lot lot lot more than I made in 2023 and it truly scares me for the coming year but I have to get off my chair and stand on the table now. I cannot stay hidden, I have to show up for myself. 
I still have to figure out the new rewards for the $7 tier. I'll make that into a separate post and send out emails in the coming week. I'm extremely sorry for the delay. I need help 🥲
I've been so stressed and as a result of that my health has taken a backseat. My body hasn't felt relaxed in a long time and I don't want to continue living this life. I don't remember the last time I didn't wake up in the morning without my heart beating out of my chest. I'm truly truly tired of this life. I want to be healthier and have financial and emotional stability.
I want to be this again ^
I did make things in 2023. I'm proud of Shampoo and Daddy and how I was able to make 12 issues successfully. I like how the comic gets more and more unhinged. It was a longer format than what I've done for so many years so obviously it would take time to make and take up time in general.
What I want back from my past self is the inability to doubt myself. I remember how if I got an idea, I would just do it. I wouldn't think if it was too cringey or weird or difficult to understand. I would just do it.
But now I have so much judgement towards myself and my work and I have to scrutinize everything I make which has made reach a point where I'm afraid of drawing. The empty paper looks and feels like a block of ice that I have to put my naked hand on. I want to, I have to, cut myself some slack.
I'm sorry that I've changed so much in terms of my work, I'm not sure why you're here when I keep changing. Wow that's a mean thing to say haha. I'm grateful that you're here. I guess I just have to get myself to acknowledge that change is mandatory for me as an artist and it's nothing to feel ashamed about. It's not indecisiveness, it's just change.
Yet I sometimes feel stagnant in my change. What is lifeeee haha.
Hmm. I'm thinking if there's more to say. There's definitely more to say but this is where I begin to stop.
At one point in this video, I talked about my old friends too much and got sidetracked and this is what I had to say :
Okay!
Here I am in 2024, trying to fulfill my 2018 goals. Better health, better wealth, better comics, better connections, better work opportunities.
I really need help/suggestions/advice on how to manage my time with work and how to run a small business as I want to dip a bit into that this year. If you have any advice, let me know- comments, message, email, letter etc 🍍
I'll write down some goals here, just why not -
1. New comic for $10 tier, 12 chapters
2. Make more clay things and sell!
3. Make pins
4. Be more active on Patreon
5. Talk more about my Patreon
6. Reach out to people/organisations I want to work with
7. Draw everyday, big/small doesn't matter
8. Make twice of what I'm making right now because that would be my ideal income
9. Don't stress to the point of burnout by doing nothing
10. Self publish a book
11. Yes that's it for now
Thank you so much for reading. Love and gratitude and many nice things.
Happy new year.
Thank you for sticking with me.
Aditi
