BellaPlays
patreon
Long time no post
🕑 Added 2023-10-10 09:48:08 +0000 UTCHi friends, I miss you all.
I haven't been posting much...or streaming...or leaving the house.
I've been in a mental funk lately.
My psychiatrist wants to take me out of paxil and just keep the lamictal, so we decreased the dosage to try to wean me off of it, but I haven't been feeling proper.
I have been extremely anxious, having panic attacks left and right, so I've been isolating myself, even if unintentionally, to avoid any stimulus that could cause a panic attack.
I am trying to not increase the dosage again because I'd love to be off of it and only take the lamictal. Imagine only taking one pill for mental illness instead of two. It would make me feel so efficient and proud.
I'm trying to ride the funk off, it's been a good while I've been feeling like this, so idk what the future holds.
Hopefully I can get used to the extreme anxiety and be able to control it without the paxil.
Talking with people on discord, leaving the house and even live streaming makes me have panic attacks.
Anything remotely social.
I want to cry every time I think about how much I miss streaming or dressing up to go outside (I only leave the house for doctors anyway, but I've been canceling all my appointments because I can't bare to leave the house).
On another note, I feel great. It's so nice to not have the brain fog, drowsiness and dullness of the paxil.
I'm still taking half of a pill, but i feel so much more alive! I used to take 3 pills of it.
Maybe feeling alive makes me scared. So many emotions they just spill out into anxiety.
It's such a contradictory feeling. I feel so well mentally, but also so anxious to the point of isolating myself so I don't have panic attacks every 2 seconds. And even so I still do have them more than once everyday.
Hopefully it'll pass soon and I'll be left with just the lamictal and happiness, my psychiatrist wants to take out the paxil and put me on lithium together with lamictal. So I'm trying extra hard to get out of paxil to try this new combo and see if it's life changing like I hope it is/see people talking about online.
Can't wait to be back on stream.
I bought some cute clothes and I'll take some pics for you guys when it arrives! I'll do my makeup and look all cute 🥰
Thank you so much for being my friends even when I disappear or don't feel good. You guys are awesome and what keeps me going.
It's so nice to have a platform to talk to you all and be open like this. No random/haters, also not completely public, just a nice cozy place.
Patreon is one of the coolest things I've ever done. It feels so safe.
I love you all, words can't describe it.
You are amazing and worth it.
If any of you want to chat with me just shoot me a message and I'll be more than happy to talk about literally anything.
Since I can't talk in voice bcs I get too anxious messages have been a God send.
Thank you again. Love you cuties.
