Neviara
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Cycle 29-12: Baby It's Cold Outside
🕑 Added 2024-01-10 17:00:14 +0000 UTCThe next day, when Kaitlyn met up with Philip to study, she still couldn't meet the guy's eyes. Nor the day after that. Nor later in the week at Chella's. Each time they came near each other, she could feel the thick curtain of words unspoken hanging between them.
It wasn't all on Kaitlyn's part, either. Philip himself seemed unsure of the situation as well. Every time they spoke, she could see the slight concern and hesitation in his face. As though he wanted to say more or ask her what was wrong. But before he could, she always found an excuse to be elsewhere.
Why am I doing this? Kaitlyn berated herself. She plunged another plate into the sink, scrubbing it with a bit more force than necessary. I shouldn't be acting like this. I'm clearly doing something right. I've gotta be on track for a romance ending. So why am I not just… taking it?
The kitchen door swung inward to admit Philip, his arms piled high with dirty dishes. Kaitlyn studiously avoided looking in his direction as he placed them beside the sink.
"Order up!"
With only the slightest hint of hesitation, he turned away, heading toward Scarra to retrieve the entrees.
I can't keep doing this. I have to talk to him. She gritted her teeth. But can I say? What am I SUPPOSED to say? Especially when I don't even know why I'm acting like this…
Her thoughts continued tumbling end over end as the night dragged on. Even helping Scarra with appetizer prep wasn't enough to completely take her mind off of things. Yet by the end of her shift, Kaitlyn had made less than zero progress on figuring out her feelings.
She hung up her apron, only to find Philip standing beside her. She nearly jumped out of her skin.
"Apologies." He inclined his head slightly. "I didn't mean to surprise you. Would you like a ride home?"
"Nope! I'm uh, I'm ok." She stammered, grabbing her backpack.
"Are you certain? It's no trouble, and it appears to be quite cold out."
"I-I'm really ok. Thanks."
"Kaitlyn…" After a moment of hesitation, Philip pressed on with a lowered voice. "Are you alright? You've been acting strangely all week."
She gave a nervous laugh. "Have I? Sorry, I'm just… classes have me stressed, I guess."
Philip's eyes narrowed at the obvious lie. He seemed a little hurt. "If I have done anything to offend…"
"No! No." Kaitlyn quickly reassured him. With a deep breath, she forced herself to calm down. "It's… it's not you, or anything you said. I promise. Really. I just…" Her eyes met his, then flicked away. "This is all my fault. I'm… working through some stuff. I'm sorry."
His gaze softened slightly. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
She bit her lip. I... don't know how to answer that.
"...I don't think so."
Philip waited for her to elaborate. When she didn't, he let out a quiet sigh and nodded. "I understand. I will not press the issue further, then."
"I… thanks." Her chest tightened as she babbled. "Just… give me a little time. I'm sorry. I need some time. I'll be ok, I just... it's my problem to deal with. I don't want it to affect you, too."
He crossed his arms. "I regret to inform you that you've already fallen short in that regard."
"Wha–"
"However, I understand the sentiment. I will not pester you further."
She swallowed hard. "I-it's not pestering. I mean it. But… thank you. Just give me a little bit of time. I'll figure this out."
Philip nodded. "If there's anything I can do to assist, do not hesitate to ask."
She returned the nod, then turned quickly toward the door. "Ok. See you tomorrow?"
"See you tomorrow."
Kaitlyn very nearly ran out the door, shutting it a little too quickly behind her, then took off at a near jog toward campus. A cold wind cut through her hoodie, even as she wrapped her arms around herself.
Ok. Come on Kaitlyn. As the restaurant receded behind her, she finally slowed down to breathe. This is too much. I can't keep doing this. I can't… I can't mess this up.
Part of her knew that getting another romance ending should be her highest priority. How else was she supposed to make progress? If there was any chance that she'd escape this game, then it would be there. And it wasn't like she had to push much, either. She was certain that Philip's romance ending was right there.
But then… why did she feel so afraid?
She let out a long sigh, shivering. Philip's right. I have been acting weird. I know that. The question is, how do I fix it?
It was a question she didn't particularly want to answer. One that skirted too close to the issues she'd been forcing down all this time. But now, it seemed as though she had no choice but to confront them.
Her throat clenched. Another romance ending meant more pain. Another cycle of losing someone who she actually had come to care about. But that was already true.
Ending or not, Philip's going to forget everything when the loop resets. So why not just let it happen? Why not go for it?
The idea sent a pang of conflicting feelings though Kaitlyn, though she couldn't exactly put her finger on what they were or why. It was more than just the idea of Philip forgetting her. It was deeper than that.
I'm... afraid, she finally admitted. I'm afraid of putting myself out there again. I'm afraid of having to do this four more times, falling for someone just to be disappointed and forgotten. I'm afraid that it'll start to feel cheap, like just another box to check off on the list.
I… she bit her lip, hesitant to admit it. I think I like Philip.
But I'm afraid of moving on.
As soon as she had the thought, she knew it was right. She didn't want to move on. For all the time she'd spent trying to do just that, she hadn't truly wanted to let go.
Because if I do, it feels like I'm forgetting him. Just the same as everyone else.
She shook her head. No. I'm not. Because unlike them, I DO remember. I can keep those memories close, for them and for myself. Even... even while I keep moving forward.
However, it was one thing to say that. It was another entirely to do it.
I have to move on. Kaitlyn thought fiercely. I have to. Because I don't think I can replicate this loop again with Philip, not without feeling like I'm manipulating him. It all felt so natural, like it just fell into place. Like it was right. Just like with Alex.
Alex… The thought of the guy sent another wave of complicated feelings coursing through her. Feelings that had only become more tangled from the sporadic interactions she'd had in the loops since. Especially their meetings at Kate's Kitchen.
He's changed. I know that much. But he still matters to me. At least, I care about him enough to keep Heather away. But... how do I really feel about him?
Thoughts about Philip, Alex, and endings continued to whirl through her mind as she trudged toward campus. Her breath puffed out in misty streams, carried away by the occasional wind.
I told Philip that I'd work through this and figure it out. But have I really been trying hard enough?
Deep inside, she already knew the answer. She'd been waiting for time to help her heal and forget, letting a busy schedule distract her from all of this. And to be fair, it had helped a bit. But it wasn't enough. If she wanted to deliver on that promise, then she had to make a change.
Her head tilted upward, gazing at the bright moon where it hung in the night. There were only five weeks left in the loop. Whatever she was going to do, she had to decide fast.
I can't afford to wait anymore. No more hoping that things will fix themselves. I have to act now. Otherwise… I'm not sure if I ever will.
***
The next day, Kaitlyn woke up early. As Heather slept in the bunk above, she threw on a loose-fitting t-shirt and sweatpants, lacing her sneakers up tightly. Then she braced herself.
It's time to do this.
In all honesty, it was something she should have done a long time ago. It was always there, an option that she hadn't really allowed herself to consider. Yet now, she felt like she had no choice. There was no more time to waste.
It's now or never.
She spat toothpaste into the bathroom sink and rinsed. With a quick nod to herself in the mirror, Kaitlyn set out across campus. Her feet took her down the familiar paved walkways and underneath trees whose leaves had begun to turn shades of amber and maroon. The path weaved past supernaturally pristine rose bushes and crowds of students hurrying between classes. Eventually, it led her toward a location she knew all too well.
When Kaitlyn finally stopped, she stood in front of the Hartland University gym. The white building loomed before her in the morning sunlight, casting a shadow across the walkway. Its glass entry doors stood closed, likely to keep the late-autumn chill out. In its reflection she saw her own tense form grimacing back.
She checked her phone. Cross country practice would have let out ten minutes ago. Which meant that she was right on time to run into Alex.
I don't have to do this right now. He's here every day. Or, heck, maybe he won't be here at all. Maybe he's completely changed and doesn't go to the gym anymore, and this will all be completely pointless.
In her heart though, she knew she was lying to herself. There was no way Alex was anywhere but here. Which meant that she had to go in.
Her hands trembled slightly. The realization made her blush with embarrassment as she clenched them into fists.
Come on. I can't be that much of a coward. I've talked to him before. I know exactly what to expect. So why am I acting like this?
With a final steadying breath, Kailtyn stiffened her resolve and stepped toward the doors.
Comments
Mio P
Thanks for the chapter! Ah, Philips route is over soon… I’m a bit sad… Hoping for Vinny next!
