Neviara
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Cycle 34-7: Crossroads
🕑 Added 2024-05-31 16:00:09 +0000 UTCThe career fair arrived all too quickly, sneaking up on Kaitlyn amidst the whirlwind of activities she immersed herself in. Still, it wasn't like she was complaining. The event represented a big opportunity. After all, it was one of the bigger encounters she'd become familiar with. That meant it was yet another chance to see where she stood on the Ian route. At least, that's what she hoped.
I really don't know what to expect, here. But I've had way too many important interactions at this thing to simply brush it off.
"You nervous, Kay?"
She looked over. To her side, Ian was dressed in a noticeably more formal blue sweater, his hands shoved into the pockets of his pants in lieu of his hoodie. His shoulders were a little more hunched than normal, as though he were trying to make himself smaller within the faceless crowd.
"Hmm… kind of," she admitted. It was true, even if not for the reasons he probably expected.
"Yeah? Same." He shifted a little, moving closer to the wall as someone jostled his elbow. "Er, is there anywhere you want to go? Any stands you're looking at?"
There were, of course. She had a whole list of places that she'd usually check out. But that wasn't the point today.
"We'll see as we wander around. But if there's any places you want to check out, we can go for those first. Before it gets too crowded."
Ian frowned. "You sure? I don't want to make you wait for me."
"Eh, it's fine," she waved the concern off. "That's what we're here for, right?"
"I guess…" he mused, seemingly unconvinced. "Well, there's only really one I wanted to check out, anyway. Gigaware. But the line seems pretty long, so I don't mind checking out some stuff for you first."
Kaitlyn nodded. Right. I remember that. It's the only one I've ever seen him get in line for. And it does get shorter a bit later…
"...All right. We can wander around for a bit, then check out Gigaware. Sound good?"
"Sure." Ian straightened. "Lead the way."
They began to peruse the colorful stands, scanning their banners and picking up free goodies as they went. Kaitlyn had planned ahead and brought her backpack in order to carry the haul, having learned from her past mistakes. It made the whole ordeal much easier than trying to juggle everything in her arms or stuff it inside the comically-undersized bags on offer here.
Her own route was fairly routine by this point. There was a short list of tech- and bio-related booths that she always made a point to stop at. While it wouldn't be a focus this time around, Kaitlyn still thought she might be able to score a job at one of these places. It would take a bit of planning and time, but if she played her cards right…
That was an experiment for another loop, though. But judging from the rather impressed reactions she was getting, her cards were getting better every day.
I'm getting to talk to engineers and programmers way more than I used to. That's gotta be a good sign. Right? And I'm pretty sure this one set my resume aside…
Ian stared at her as she stepped away from another conversation with a recruiter. "Wow. You're pretty good at that."
She cocked her head questioningly. "Good at what?"
"At… I dunno, talking to recruiters? Interviewing? That whole thing. You seem so confident doing it."
"Eh. I've had practice. You stop getting nervous once you've done it enough times." She dismissed the praise. "Anyway, that's the last booth I want to check out. Wanna head to Gigaware?"
"Sure? I mean, if you're sure. We can keep wandering for a while if you want. I don't mind."
Kaitlyn frowned inwardly as Ian scratched his neck. Throughout the entire fair, he'd seemed a bit more on edge than usual.
It makes sense, I guess. I mean, he's always kind of retreated when it comes to anything besides video games. Still… he'd gotten way better recently, especially around me. This feels like a major step back.
"I'm sure. We've spent enough time on my stuff. Besides, it looks like the line's about as short as it's gonna get."
"...Alright. Let's go, then."
They meandered through the throngs of people, trying not to ruffle too many feathers or step on toes as they did. In no time at all, they found themselves in front of the white-and-blue Gigaware booth. A long, sinuous line of formally-dressed students snaked back and forth, its length mostly contained by stanchions.
They added themselves to the end of the queue, behind a guy wearing a full-on suit. It moved at an absolutely glacial pace, shuffling forward once every few minutes or so. Given the sheer length of the thing, Kaitlyn expected they'd be sitting here for quite a while.
That's fine. I don't mind. Besides, it gives me a chance to ask something I've been curious about…
"So… why Gigaware?"
"Huh?" Ian seemed surprised by the question. "Oh! That. It's, well, a good company. Pays well, stable, good reputation… all that stuff."
Kaitlyn waited for him to continue, but he didn't. It seemed like that was all the guy had to say.
Huh. Well… that's not what I expected. Her curiosity was slowly turning to suspicion. I'd buy an explanation like that from Philip, but Ian? Something seems fishy, here.
"That's… fair, I guess," she chose her words carefully. "Why not other companies too, though? Like Nile?"
"I dunno. I just… I know this one. So it makes sense to talk to them, right?"
That's kind of the point of a career fair, isn't it? To learn about the other options, too.
Still, she let the comment slide. His expression suggested that he was a bit uncomfortable with the topic. "So do you want to be a software engineer when you graduate?"
"I…" He grimaced. "Yes?"
Wow. He's an even worse liar than I am.
There was definitely something off about the situation. Ian's response confirmed that beyond a shadow of a doubt. And Kaitlyn needed to find out what it was.
I've been pretty good about not pressing him so far. But if there's one thing that deserves to be asked about, it's this.
"Are you sure?" She gave him a pointed look. "You don't want to be a game developer or something?"
"No! No. Of course not." His denial came a bit too quickly.
"Why not? I mean, you seem to really enjoy working on your game…"
Ian was already shaking his head. "I do. I really do. But it's not a good job. Awful hours, awful pay, no guarantees that anything works out… especially if you're an independent developer. Making games is a hobby. Not a real job."
"Woah, woah, woah." She raised her hands in a pacifying motion. "Slow down, there. First of all, game developer is absolutely a job. I mean, sure, software engineer might pay better, but there's gotta be plenty of options of companies and practices and whatnot. Especially when you're as good as you are—"
"I'm not good, though." He objected. "I've barely done anything. Even the game I have isn't anywhere close to being done—"
"Well that's just not true." Kaitlyn felt herself starting to get frustrated. "I've seen the progress you've made over just the past few weeks, Ian. It's crazy. So don't even try to tell me you're not good at making games."
"Even if I was, it's not a good job," he continued to argue, more emphatically this time. "It's just a hobby. That's it. It's never gonna be anything else."
"Well excuse me if I think you can do better!" She threw her hands up helplessly. "Geez, Ian. Why can't you just believe in yourself a little bit?"
He winced. At that point, Kaitlyn noticed more than a few curious gazes were directed their way. Evidently they'd both been speaking a bit more loudly than intended.
The eyes quickly darted away as she took notice. With an effort, she forced herself to relax and take a deep breath. Her next words came out much more quietly. "Sorry. I just… it's frustrating to see you put yourself down like that. You know?"
Ian didn't reply. They stood next to each other in silence, shuffling another step closer to the Gigaware booth. As the minutes ticked by, Kaitlyn clenched her jaw.
Dangit. Dangit, dangit, dangit.
She'd only intended to push a little bit, enough to satisfy her curiosity. But she'd gone way too far.
I totally messed that up. What if he hates me now? Or what if his walls go right back up?
Figuring out the source of the guy's distress had been such an obvious move. His game was clearly more important to him than anything else she'd seen. But he wouldn't admit it, not even to himself. The whole situation made no sense whatsoever.
Why is he so fixated on having a "real" job? It doesn't seem like he's hurting for money or anything, not like Philip. I'm definitely missing something…
Unfortunately, the opportunity to find out what it was seemed long past. At least she'd managed to glean some new information from the interaction. Ian's low self esteem wasn't any news, though she'd never seen it manifest so openly when it came to game development. That, plus his emphasis that game developer wasn't a feasible career gave her some ideas.
I do know for a fact that he's not enjoying classes, so I kind of doubt he's really personally invested in getting a good job… Could be family related? Some sort of pressure from elsewhere? Or he's afraid to make the final leap into doing this full-time…
Her shoulders slumped. That was assuming that he was being honest. If he really was trying to keep game development as a hobby, then that made things way more complicated. She'd already seen how much trouble the guy had pulling his grades up. Doing that while also keeping up development on the game… Even if he could make it work, she couldn't imagine that it would be a good outcome. It may very well end up making him miserable again.
Thoughts whirled about in her head, ideas and regrets about the interaction colliding in a tangle of unhelpful threads. But as she attempted to tease them apart, Ian spoke.
"You're lucky, Kay."
The words caught her off guard. She'd half expected Ian to just ignore her until they'd finished at the booth. "Lucky? How?"
"You've got so many things you're interested in." He shifted awkwardly. "Cooking, programming, bio… you've already got your own business going as a freshman. No one does that kind of stuff unless they enjoy it, at least a bit."
Kaitlyn frowned. It wasn't like she'd always been interested in those things. Most of them were just a consequence of boredom and a hunger for progress of any kind amid the time loop. But she couldn't exactly say that.
"...You're interested in useful things," he continued. "Me? I'm interested in games. That's about it."
She opened her mouth, ready to contradict him, but stopped herself. She wasn't certain whether he really did have anything else he enjoyed this much. "...Is that why you're a CS major? Because you like games?"
"...Pretty much, yeah. I… kind of hoped it would be more relevant, you know?" His gaze studied the floor resolutely. "But it's so frustrating. I'm not learning anything useful. At all. Maybe it's my own fault, but… it's just so hard. If I'm not interested in something, I just… can't. It's like pulling teeth."
For a moment, she simply studied Ian. The chestnut-haired boy's posture had slumped even further, his eyes still fixed on a particular patch of laminate wood flooring. Her heart clenched at his defeated expression.
…I told myself I wouldn't make decisions for him. That I'd listen. And I know that I've already pushed things a lot right now. But… her hands tightened into fists. I can't stand seeing him like this, either.
For a few moments, she wrestled with herself. Perhaps she'd already done enough damage today. Maybe it was better to leave things be, wait for them to cool down and try again later.
Or maybe he needed a bit of help.
"Ian."
He looked up, deep blue eyes locking onto hers. Distress and a kind of deep-seated hopelessness marred his features. The expression only served to strengthen her resolve even further.
"What do you really want to do?" She put up a staying hand before he could reply. "Forget about whether it's a good job. Forget about what anyone else thinks, or whether you'll make money, or how hard it'll be. What do you want to do? For yourself?"
He opened his mouth, and for a moment she feared he'd make the same claims as he had before. But instead of speaking, he went still and silent in thought.
"...I want… I want to…" He took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut. "I want to finish my game. I want to make it the best it can possibly be, the kind of game that I would love to sink hours and hours into. I want to make something that other people will love just as much as I do."
Kaitlyn smiled as the words poured out of him in a torrent. Finally. Now that sounds like the Ian I know.
"Ok." She nodded. "Then let's go."
Turning toward the door, she ducked under the nearest cordon and stepped out of the line. She glanced back to see Ian gaping at her. "Kay? Kay, wait! Where're you going?"
She adjusted her backpack. "Well, you want to work on your game, right? No time like the present."
Ian blanched. "But— we're almost to the front!"
Glancing at the line, they had made it pretty far. Only a half dozen other students stood between them and the Gigaware recruiters. Still, Kaitlyn just shrugged. "So? It's not like you actually want to work there, right? So let's stop wasting time here and get going."
Ian looked around uncertainly, emotions warring on his face. As she watched his internal struggle, Kaitlyn forced herself to stand still.
I won't make any decisions for him. But… he made it clear what he wants to do. The least I can do is help him to follow through with it.
The line shifted, its occupants shuffling forward another few inches. At the motion, Ian jolted into action. He ducked under the same cordon she had, jogging over to her side.
"I can't believe…" He let out a shaky sigh. "Ok. Fine. Let's… let's go."
Kaitlyn couldn't help but grin. "Right. Let's."
With that, they headed toward the exit.
Comments
Geoff Urland
It's fun to see how assertive she's gotten
