CarolJ
patreon
"So, what's going on?" (Update Post & List)
🕑 Added 2022-02-01 18:11:35 +0000 UTCGosh, this has been a long time coming, hasn't it?
As I'm sure many of you are at this point aware, things haven't been going great here. Things haven't been going great for me much at all, lately. Because of that, I'd like to apologize to all of you for the things I've done and the things I have failed to do.
I don't even really know what to say, and it feels artificial to prepare, like, an "apology" post, like I'm reading it from a teleprompter, so I'm just going to try and vomit what I'm thinking into this box, and hopefully it comes out as coherent.
For a long time, I couldn't even bear to look at the comments that people were leaving on my """story""" posts, because I wanted to somehow try and convince myself that this was all going to change, that I was going to suddenly, inexplicably rally, that I was going to become the coked-out fifteen-thousand-words-in-one-day Stephen King monster that I felt like I had the potential to be. I was going to write everything I'd promised, post it all in one big "SURPRISE, FUCKERS!!" update, and everything would be fine. I don't know what delusions I was operating under, but this didn't end up happening the four or five times I swore to myself it would.
Today, I finally sat down and read over the comments and the feedback I've gotten. I haven't looked at any exit surveys from the people who decided they were fed up with the fucking Peter Molyneux of monster girl fiction, a title I have earned thrice over at this point. I can't imagine that the sentiment expressed there is too different, though.
The way I've acted has been offensively unprofessional, and for that, I'd like to apologize. I have failed to communicate basically in any capacity. People have expressed understanding that life can get Real Shitty, and have offered sympathy, and that is incredibly kind of them. That also does not change the fact that I did not say a single thing about life getting Real Shitty and how it would (not "could," would. Did, in fact) affect things. I don't know why I didn't say anything. I guess I just wanted to pretend everything was fine, even when it wasn't, and the result ended up being exponentially worse.
Part of being professional, I'm finding out, is making an update post that doesn't have any good news. I don't have a secret trove of Incredible, Sexy Fiction to post here. I don't have a timeframe, I just have a list of stories that have yet to be written, and an earnest sentiment that I want to be the author that you all want me to be. I'd call it a promise, but at this point, I don't think a promise from me would mean too much.
As of right now, the following stories are currently in my "to do" pile:
- Sweet Dreams (Ch. 2 & 3)
- They Love ( Ch. 1 & 2)
- By The Horns
- Daydreams (Ch. 1 & 2)
- The Tome of the Wilds (Ch. 1, 2, 3, 4)
- Cat's Meow
- Click Here!
how there are any of you still here and willing to go "no but maybe he'll finally deliver" after radio silence for nearly a full six months and thirteen fucking unfinished chapters is fucking beyond me, christ almighty
This is, frankly, a lot. This is a lot, and I can't promise I'll have it done by any specific deadline. You guys deserve that, but I cannot in good faith make any sort of assurance that it'll be done in (X) amount of time.
That being said, I want to do this. This will be hard work, and it will be the sort of thing that I have to chip away at, but it is something I want to chip away at.
I wish I had more things that I could tell you with certainty, but I don't, and I can't. I've made a lot of promises to you in the past and broken a lot of promises to you in the past. I'm going to try my best to be better. I'm probably going to fuck up again. But I hope that this little update of "Hey, Carol, could you please explain what the fuck you've been doing?" demonstrates that I don't want to just keep running away from people who have proven time and time again that they are willing to support me as I try to write things worth reading.
As always, thank you, thank you, thank you for your patience and for your support. It means more to me than you could ever know, and even when it comes in the form of "Hey, I love your writing and I want to see more of it, but the way you're acting fucking sucks," it is so, so encouraging to know that someone is saying it because they want to see me succeed, not fail.
Comments
v
So I saw this post when you made it a while ago, and felt like I should contribute something. After a bit, I felt like I'd left it too long, and that commenting wouldn't be worth it any more. I told that thought to get bent and took some time to sit down and actually get my thoughts here. I'm not going to dispute any of your claims about your behavior being unprofessional in some instances, but I was quite happy to read this post - I agree that professionalism involves being able to deliver bad news to stakeholders, or even just "this isn't done yet, and I don't know when/if it will be". I'm proud you were able to be real about this and post this level of honesty, and for that amongst other reasons, I'm not leaving the Patreon. I've been in similar situations, and although it's always a bit different, there are parts we can all relate to. At the time of writing this, you have over a hundred patrons who still think you're capable of delivering the kind of stuff we signed up to give you money for in the first place, and demonstrably believe in you to that degree. We want to see you succeed. One piece of brashly unsolicited advice you can feel free to ignore is to not use this second wind to bite off more than you can chew. It might feel like you need to go back to the cadence that you had before, in "the good times", but unless you're careful, you can slip back into the same sort of scenario from a few months ago. Ignore it. Go easy on yourself. Having people pay by the story doesn't hold you accountable to a certain number of stories in any timeframe, beyond your needs for the pledges from your supporters. I am a firm believer in sustainability, and burning yourself out again trying to hit specific timelines is, in my opinion, not the way to go. I think all of your supporters, but especially you, would be much happier with stories you want to write for their own sake, in their own time, as opposed to "chore" stories once a month or whatever to appease the timeline cops. This sort of sentiment seems to be echoed in all the other comments on this post too, so I don't think I'm too off-base here. I'm really happy to see this update from you - you're an excellent writer, and I want to continue to do what I can to make sure you're able to bring this art into the world :)
Tom Arnold
You are good enough. You are smart enough. And gosh darnit, people like you.
TsunamiWombat
I pay by the published story so, doesn't really bother me. Mostly I've been worried about you, I know you have a tendency to freak out.
Iforgotmyname
Alternatively, you could switch to a monthly fee instead of "per story", since the point behind the "fake story" posts were, I assume, to get some income for the month. You can switch back after the backlog is dealt with. Glad to see you're back !
Pangolin
You did it! I imagine the temptation to just bail must have been overwhelming at times but this is a big step and I really hope you feel at least some the weight lifted now. Anyway, welcome back again! I agree with the ”alternate between backlog and new stories” suggestion above (and obviously it doesn't need to be an even split or anything). No hurry, we’ll be here.
Wells Bengston
Indeed, I do want to see you succeed! You have written some of my all-time favorites. Stories that I read over and over again. Stories that I read when I want to forget everything. Thank you for posting what has happened and what you are planning to do. I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Welcome back. :)
Yshomatsu
Thank you for talking to us, none of us want to see you fail. We’re here because we like your writing and we do want to see you succeed, we really do. I used to be in a higher tier that you listed geared towards your CYOA and then you never continued it so I reduced my support. When you started to do charges posts with no content I limited my support to one charge per month. It was never meant to be an insult, you simply weren’t making content. I could have canceled and been done but I didn’t. The reason? Because I like your writing and don’t want to miss anything when you did post a story. You ARE a fantastic author. I’m sorry for anything that may be going on in your life that’s been affecting your time/focus on writing. I too have been going through some really rough times. Ready to quit my decent paying job because of what’s been going on. I’ve been trying to focus on my big stories and couldn’t so I started trying to do 4-5 page chapters at a time and it’s been going great atm. There have been many times that I’ve felt like a failure and that I should just give up writing. I hope you don’t have those thoughts too. If I could help you in any way even if just talking I’m always here for you.
Carol J.
Yeah, I think that I am probably going to be doing that, or something similar to that re: new + backlog. I am going to try and prioritize the backlog, but, yeah, this is my primary source of income right now. The most important thing, of course, is being straightforward about what's going on.
DiceGuy
Creating content for a living is hard. Sometimes you get bogged down with personal stuff and it can be excruciating to finally sit down and be honest with yourself about your workload and output. I have done this for a long time on the Internet and I understand how hard it is to be blunt with yourself. We are still here to support and honestly love your work. I’m sure you will figure stuff out and slowly ramp back up.
Tempered_Turtle
It is great to get an update from you, and one that is full of honesty and understanding. Glad to see you step up and acknowledge where you were wrong, give us realistic feedback to what we have been wondering, and breaking your radio silence. The professionalism here is appreciated. I would rather get regular updates of bad news, or "Hey, those stories aren't done yet, but I have made a little progress, it's just that X situation came up" over the long stretches of hearing nada. That aside, I do hope that whatever struggles you are going through in your personal life are soon resolved for you, and that you are able to return to a comfortable state asap.
Necrotic Puppet
Call it a personal suggestion, but that’s a lot of backlog to get through before you’re getting paid again. I wouldn’t be opposed to you trying to alternate between promised stories and “new” stories so you’re not just stuck with a year and a half of unfinished work before getting Patreon bucks again. Just, please don’t go radio silent on us again. Even just a once a month “hey this is what’s happening, no story this month” is better than nothing.
