heatherbeck
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Why, hello there.
🕑 Added 2020-05-26 22:36:32 +0000 UTCYeah, it got me.
Not the virus itself (at least, not that I know of). But... everything. All that "weight of the world" bullshit that you think you're going to stiff-upper-lip your way through until a combination of things just one-two-three punches you out.
First thing's first. I have not been terribly active on here in the last few weeks (duh). So, I do have some catching up to do! You guys know how I am — I'm certainly not above posting a fun picture or something, but it feels kind of empty if it's not accompanied by one of my trademark eccentric HeatherRants. And lately? The words haven't been there. They're back, now. The muse has returned to my shoulder, and over the last few days, I've been conducting a series of diagnostic tests on my state of mind. Most of the lights are blinking green, so that's got to be a good sign. I promise you'll be hearing a lot more of me before the first of the month rolls around. In the meantime, I mean this — thank you all for being patient, for checking in, for hanging in there.
I can't help but think that a lot of you have been going through some iteration of the same thing. Some combination of boredom, frustration, anguish, ennui, helplessness. I don't get political on here, and I usually only try to write stuff that's gonna be, at the very least, a little fun and uplifting. Still, I do take heart in the fact that you guys hang around because you might be interested in hearing about my life. That being said, I'll be brief in giving you the rundown of what my May has been all about. Slough it off, put it out there, cleanse my spirit, purify my soul, hit the reset button so we can get back to talks of shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, and boobies.
• My grandfather died. Covid. Man, it knocked him out, and fast. I miss him. We weren't horribly close in the last decade or so, so there's a little regret in not touching in more over the years. The memories of him that I do have are fond ones. He passed away in the States; even if I could have gotten out of Spain, it's not like I would have been able to attend the funeral in a way that would have been meaningful. I know that some of you have encountered something similar — a loss that this madness didn't even allow you to properly grieve. I did get to say goodbye to him, and I love you, and I do take some solace in the fact that death is always the most difficult for those who are left behind, and is worst on our sensibilities than on those of the deceased. I never try to prescribe my beliefs to anyone, but whenever I encounter a loss like this, I find some comfort in a wonderful essay written by the great Roger Ebert. I dunno. If you need a good read, check it out. :-)
• There's been other weird family stuff too, but that's probably not of any interest. I've been around enough to know that there's nothing more boring than to hear someone complain about people you've never even met. Anyway, suffice it to say, I was right, and they were wrong. Boom. Mic drop.
• There's the isolation, too. I'm kind of a homebody, but... it's weird, you know? It's like, if I just spend, say, a month without really going out, it doesn't get to me. But knowing that you can't go out? That's freaking tricky. Lockdown. It's better here, now. The part of the country that I'm in is in "Phase 1" of de-escalation, which means that terraces are open at cafes, more businesses are resuming normal hours, things like that. Spain, as most of you will know, got hit HARD during all of this, so they've been taking it seriously. It's a slow thing, bringing everything back to normal. But? I'm proud of this country. They've been through a lot, and you can almost feel it in the air... 60 million people beginning to feel a bit more comfortable breathing. That tenseness is dissipating, at least a little. I'm going to a cafe tomorrow. I'm taking an abundance of precaution, of course (Pro-Tip: I'm gonna bring my own wine glass!), but SHIT. It's gonna feel nice to write in my journal, at a table, outside, like a normal person.
• I've been trying to get a little more exercise. During the peak of lockdown, you were literally not allowed to leave your home unless you were going to the grocery, taking out the trash, letting your doggo poop, things like that. If you weren't going out for anything essential? €1,000 fine. I have a few friends who got slapped with that one. Oof. But, it's better now. I've been doing more walking, and even a little rock climbing on some crazy boulders not too far away from my place. Oh! I have an idea! I'll take you guys on a tour this week! There are actually some really cool Roman ruins not too far away that I think you'll get a kick out of (like, legit ruins, with old buildings, a bridge, and everything. Fascinating stuff.)
• Speaking of exercise, a bit of a hitch that ended up blindsiding me in a weird way. When we were allowed to go outside for exercise, I felt like I was spinning like a top — just needed to get OUT and DO something. So... I don't know what I was thinking. I laced up my shoes, put on some leggings, sturdy bra, three tight T-shirts, stretched a little, and... went for a run. I made it about... 50 feet? (In case y'all didn't know by now, I'm a little busty). Like, every time my foot hit the road, all 20 pounds of boob just wanted to pull me down, so then I tried to do more even strides, but that just kind of created this weird rhythm where they were performing CPR on me, forcing air out of my lungs as they submitted to gravity and wailed into my ribs. I don't know what it was... It just GOT to me. This huge, irrational frustration that I can't go for a fucking jog. It actually really... discouraged? Is that the right word? Anyway, discouraged me for a couple of days. It's like, here's this thing that I really wanted to do, and I just couldn't. I mean, I KNEW, in my logical head, that me + jogging = not gonna happen. I've known that for years. It was just a messed up reminder at the wrong moment in my head. Anyway. I'm over it, and I'm better. I'm getting back into yoga. If y'all are good, maybe I'll show you my Downward Dog. (Did that come across as an innuendo? I hope so.) (Oh, that's my yoga outfit, above. Part of it, anyway. I knew I was gonna tie that picture in!)
And this one?
So, in short, just kind of a weird collection of things that weakened my defenses, all occurring at just the right time, in this weird existential dread-inducing way. But, I'm doing better now. I hope you're all doing alright, too. Hit me up with a direct message if you'd like? I'm trying to get better at responding to those. :-)
There's more to tell, but most of it is actually on the fun side of things. (I sculpted a penis the other day! Literally, with clay! I've never really sculpted anything before, and I have to say, it looks like a dick! Things like that.) But I'll save that stuff for later, now that the words are back, so I have something to say alongside the goofy pictures of me, Natalia and Olga.
Comments
Bob Clevenger
A tour of Roman ruins with you sounds like a very enjoyable time.
thegrowthisreal
Im sorry for your loss. Check your messages though. I sent something about your running issue
Stephen Prandy
I am very sorry. You should know I am truly sorry for your loss
GhostRider
Glad your back. Sorry for your issues..physically real and percieved. Good you've been getting out even a little at a time. Do what makes you feel good. 👍👍👍🙃
Petrafied
Good to have you back. I'm so sorry for your loss. This whole pandemic paradigm is unprecedented. We all deal with it in different ways; all equally valid. ❤
Alex U
I'm sorry for you loss. It's brutal to be unable to grieve right now.
