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80- A Paladin and A Farmer Walk Into A Bar
🕑 Added 2025-09-27 00:17:14 +0000 UTCVraxious-Folstein Village
Jonathan waved at Vrax, ushering him forward. “You have the armor; I’m in a damned pair of overalls. You go first!” He shout whispered at Vrax.
Vrax rolled his eyes under his armor but stood up and marched towards the front of the tavern. We don’t know for sure if they have any hostages stuck in here, so I’m going to go with the “y’all better surrender” strategy first. I doubt it will work, but it might at least let me see if they do have some poor fucker cooking for them at knifepoint.
The tavern itself was an interesting mix between heavy log construction around the first floor and a finer light wooden board construction for the second. The entire building was painted in a homey green color with deep golden accents around the doors and windows. The sign that hung in front of it was a very charming picture of a pig with mead in one hand and a strip of bacon in the other and read “The Swine’s Dine Inn and Tavern.”
It would have been exactly the kind of place Vrax loved to stay in on his travels; they always had good food, better drinks, and owners who cared deeply about making you comfy so you would come back. Unfortunately the crass laughter coming from inside, followed by jeers and someone yelling for a boy to bring another round, was anything but welcoming. “Fucking hate it when assholes take something wonderful like this and fuck it up.” Vrax grumbled.
Jonathan nodded his agreement; his jaw was set, and there was a very violent look in his eyes. Vrax wasn’t happy about it, but this was obviously a deeply personal offense to Jonathan. He stepped behind Vrax as they walked onto the porch and stood to the side of the door, nodding to Vrax to let him know he would burst in when the action started.
It had the swinging style of doors, so Vrax decided to make his entrance a bit more theatrical than needed. First, he slowly shaped his smite outwards from his hands; he couldn’t get it very far due to how his skill worked, but he figured it was enough. Then he shoved the swinging doors open; they flapped dramatically a single time before rotting off the hinges and splattering into the room. “Are we going to surrender, or does Sunshine get a snack?” Vrax growled across the bar.
It had gone deathly silent in the bar; four rough men were seated at the bar, a massive spread of food laid out in front of them. Behind the bar was a single, rather portly elderly woman who looked utterly exhausted, a bar rag in one hand and a pitcher in the other. Standing slightly to the side was a meek-looking young man with dark hair who was serving what was obviously the boss of this band. He was a hook-nosed bastard with venomous eyes. And he was nearly as big as Torvald was, barely fitting into a gruesome red suit of full plate that strained both the chair he was in and the table his elbows rested on.
The boss didn’t even stand up, looking at Vrax with a contemptuous sneer. “And who the fuck are you supposed to be?” he said with a chuckle that held no mirth. His men had all rounded from their seats, hands on weapons. Except for the man at the end of the bar, he was holding back choked sobs and shaking like a leaf.
Vrax didn’t respond immediately, focusing on the terrified man. It was Reese, the sole cutthroat he and duchess had left alive not so long ago after hunting him and his men through an abandoned mining town. Shit, I might actually be able to get them to surrender with him here; he’s trying not to piss himself. That would be for the best with Grandma and the kid as captives.
Alright, let's see just how much of a reputation I have... Vrax let out a dark chuckle. “Hey Reese, tell your boss who I am.”
The boss raised an eyebrow and turned towards Reese. The man was as white as a ghost and shaking so hard he had leaned against the bar top. The boss suddenly started taking this very seriously, realizing that something was very wrong here. He slowly rose to his feet. “Reese, who the fuck is this?” He shouted while keeping his eyes trained on Vrax.
At least one other of the bandits at the bar had figured it out themselves, drawing their weapon with wide eyes and a muttered prayer, mana gathering around them protectively as they activated some kind of defensive skill. The air all around their armor seemed to fractalize slightly with distortions.
Reese stammered for a moment before taking a deep, slow breath. “May I leave?” He stammered.
“Answer my fucking question, Reese!” The boss slammed his fist down on the table, obliterating the edge in a shower of splinters.
“I’m not fucking talking to you, Greg!” Reese shouted at the big man with surprising venom. Then he turned back to Vrax. “I remember the deal. I tell everyone to stay the fuck away from you, man. Please, may I leave?” He practically bowed as he entreated Vrax.
Vrax quickly used his predator's gaze on the big man. Everyone was obviously subservient to [Greg Roarstien Tier-1](Lvl47) [Redhearted Crusher] [Threat: High]. Yikes, this might be pretty rough.
“Yeah, man, go ahead.” Vrax said flatly, “After you tell Greg there who I am.”
Reese gathered his bag off the counter and talked back toward Greg without even looking at him. “He’s the paladin of the Forsaken lands.” He immediately started walking for the front door, hands raised in surrender.
“So fucking what, you cowardly piece of shit? I don’t care about the rumors; we have a job to do!” Greg hissed at Reese. Reese kept walking. “You fucking traitor, after we kill this idiot, I’m going to fucking gut you.”
Reese stopped for a moment at the door and turned back with an almost sorry expression. “No, you won’t,” he whispered. His words had such a heavy sense of certainty that Greg’s wrathful face showed a flicker of hesitation.
“Alright, any other takers?” Vrax said with a magnanimous gesture towards the door. The man with his defensive skill activated at the bar looked around briefly before turning to his boss.
“Sorry, Boss, if what Reese said was true about this guy, it’s not worth the gold.” He didn’t wait for a response, fleeing out the front door after Reese.
“And then there were three.” Vrax quipped, but with his armor it came out as more of a threat.
Greg didn’t waste any more words, hurling the table at Vrax with a single hand before charging across the dining room at him with such force that floor planks snapped with his every footstep. Vrax looked quickly to make sure the captives weren’t in the way; both appeared to be fleeing towards the kitchen behind the bar. He sprinted straight at the table, sliding under it narrowly and slamming into Greg’s legs with the flat of his spear.
Vrax’s spear haft snapped in half at the force of the impact, and he bounced rather gracelessly off of Greg’s shin. Greg was like a runaway horse; he didn’t even try to stop as he trampled over Vrax, giving an earth-shattering stomp down into Vrax’s shoulder that imbedded him into the cracked flooring slightly as he stumbled by. Vrax grunted as he hauled himself from the crater and rolled away for space.
Not a moment too soon, Greg had materialized a red hammer; it cratered even farther through the floor where Vrax was a moment ago, exposing the hardpack earth beneath the floor. The heavy blow gave Vrax enough time to spin to his feet and survey the situation.
Jonathan had rushed in and was currently dueling both of the remaining bandits. He sidestepped slightly twice, avoiding blows from both, before twirling the halberd into a series of indecipherable slashes and feints that warded them both away before stepping in suddenly and catching the nearest man on the side of his head with the halberd's haft. The blow snapped the man's head sideways and sent his hastily donned helm flipping over the bar. Yeah...hes fine….…I, however...
Greg grunted with effort and closed his fist—a pair of red mauls. Snapped into reality on either side of his form and hovered beside him, twitching along with his every movement. Goddammit, I still shouldn’t summon anything in here! Vrax dived over the bar as the first spectral hammer sailed towards him with unnatural grace. It didn’t try and catch him; it paused mid-flight for just a moment as Greg redirected it.
Vrax was caught square in the chest by both hammers as they went straight through the bar. The mundane materials barely even slowed the blows; they blasted through, hitting him in sequence with the force of a falling mountain. The bar itself snapped near the middle. The impacts drove Vrax up from his cover and slammed him into the wall twice. His armor flared briefly, melting a nearby potted plant to shield him, but it wasn’t nearly enough.
Okay, fuck this! Vrax stumbled towards the front door trying to get outside. Greg met him just as he was crossing the threshold in a vicious tackle that tore him into the air, sailing far off the tavern porch into the road beyond. Vrax hit with a pained grunt the massive man on top of him, pinning him to the ground with one hand as the other raised his hammer high. Vrax dumped his reservoir of life into the street.
The ground violently tilled itself as long-forgotten seeds and fruit pits exploded from dormancy. Vrax and Greg were physically torn apart as a peach tree ripped from the ground between them, lifting Greg up into the air. Swaths of wheat shot up all up and down the street, and a handful of tomatoes and strawberries twined their way through the trees and wheat. Goddamn, at least I have cover now!
Vrax practically dove into the wheat as his opponent roughly snapped the tree that had hauled him off of Vrax and immediately began looking around at the sudden abundance of life in shock. “What is this? All you can do is grow some fucking trees and hide in them? I'm going to fucking gut that coward Reese after I kill you. It should get me a decent rate increase—the man who killed the Paladin. I bet I can charge double.”
The whole time he was monologuing, Vrax was circling towards the tavern; he just needed to make sure that Jonathan was clear with the captives, and then he was going to absofuckinglutely ruin this guy's day. Fuck restraint; at this point he was just going to drop Duchess and Sunshine on him and call it good. if the townsfolk were clear enough. Otherwise he didn’t fancy his odds against the physical powerhouse.
Vrax’s and Greg’s gazes were forcefully hauled upwards by a godawful sound from above; it wasn’t any monster call that Vrax recognized. It sounded like sheer bloodlust and hate. Vrax squinted into the inky twilight and saw the thing, a speck high above with widespread stringy wings, barreling down towards them at an impressive speed. Oh goddammit, did something pop out of the fucking forsaken lands to go hunting? This could be really fucking bad or pretty helpful actually…. Vrax reached into his pack and pulled out a jar of adapted smelter moss and heaved it in Greg's direction. I’d rather not fight you up close, asshole. You didn’t even let me get a smite off.
It sailed through the air and was intercepted by a simmering red wall that Greg threw up in his direction, spraying all across it in green fire. It didn’t touch the bandit, but the creature above’s trajectory sharpened to a point directly towards Greg. He turned away from Vrax with a snarl towards the fast-approaching monster, raising another pane of protective magic above himself.
The diving shape accelerated suddenly three times in a row with the beat of its crimson wings. A speck flung from it downwards at an almost untraceable speed. There was a dull boom followed by a catastrophic thud as a familiar hammer hit Greg's upraised magical shield with enough force to drive the man's heels deep into the soil and uproot the newly grown wheat all around him with its sheer concussive impact. No fucking way…
Vrax used Identify just before the blisteringly fast shape hit Greg like a wrathful comet from above [Torvald Glenn Tier-1] (lvl 34) [Siege Breaker] [Threat: Very High]. Torvald charged three times in violent succession, tearing his downward dive into an arc that dipped just under the man's shield. He hit him with a tackle that shattered bone and took both of them sailing into a nearby home. Vrax watched in astonishment as they went through both walls of the building in a shower of blood and wood and ended up impacting somewhere in the river beyond in a literal geyser of mud and water.
Holy fucking shit, he can actually fly. I really thought Jeff was utterly full of shit on that one. Vrax went to pursue Torvald, and Greg between the two of them, they could certainly finish the bastard off. A very unexpected pressure on the back of his arm caught him off guard.
He nearly punched the young prisoner in the face with a smite but stopped at the last instant. It was the scared-looking guy that had been serving drinks in the tavern; he had a terrified expression on his face. “Please help Jonathan! One of them did something to him!" Vrax cursed and rushed past the boy. He almost reacted in time, as the last thing he caught was the single most malicious smile he had ever seen creep across the boy's face as he went by.
Instead the world was suddenly dark. Vrax felt like he had tried to slip into his sanctuary but somehow gotten stuck halfway. He forced his eyes open, and all around him was nothing but a cool, empty dark. The young man was standing there next to him, the only source of light a rictus grin etched onto his features.
“Now Vrax, don’t struggle too much, and it won’t even hurt...you will just cease to be…” Slev said with a mirthful chuckle, his eyes alight in sheer joy.
Fuucckkkk, is this shit a mind breaker? “So, uhh...what now? We have a battle of the wills, and you try and scramble my brain like some eggs?” Vrax said to Slev slowly while looking for any way out.
The insane smile somehow grew even wider. “Oh, no, no, no, Vrax, you misunderstand….”I break people’s very souls, their sanctuary. Their very essence burns at my touch…”
Vrax ignored how much danger he might be in at the moment; his eyes were alight with possibility. “Holy shit, can you please answer some questions for me? I have so fucking many! Then we can have whatever weird soul duel you want. I really don’t think it’s going to go how you think….”
Slev’s face dropped a bit in surprise. “Pftt, your overconfidence is astounding; apparently your hubris knows no bounds.”
Vrax totally ignored the insult, “Seriously, though, where the fuck are our sanctuaries located? What is supposed to be beyond them!”
Slev's face twisted in annoyance. “Why would you even care! It’s nothing but impenetrable endless white for the few who don’t have physical walls!”
Vrax sighed deeply. “Goddammit, maybe I’ll just have to show you.”
Comments
Demolition D
😂😂😂TFTC!!! I bet this guy fear pukes.
Jumure
Lmao he said please may I leave- Vrax got that man all the way fucked up. 😂😂😂
jollybane
Slev fucking around he about to "Find out"
jollybane
Yes
Lorcogoth
the moment Vrax went "oh please I have soooo many questions" Slev should have been VERY afraid.
James Faulkner
This is gonna be hilarious 😂
Apoca
This will end well...
ReadingObsessed
I'm continuously impressed with the scum on roster with the church.
