ErikaMoen
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Wisdom at Forty-One
🕑 Added 2024-06-30 07:24:42 +0000 UTCYou know what?
Four days ago I turned 41 years old (June 25th!) and, while I do believe I am still a wide-eyed idiot baby, I do also recognize that I do know a thing or two about a thing or two.
I'm such a sucker for birthday essays from people who are like "Here is what I have learned in my 30/40/50/60/etc years on Earth..." because, like, yes, please, tell me the cheat codes to being a fully developed human being. But they almost always wind up rehashing the same platitudes that you can pick up in any greeting card department. "Be kind. Make time for your friends. Tell your loved one that you love them. Life is short, so pursue your happiness." etc., etc., etc.
Here's what I'm gunna do. Ok? I'm gunna tell you some of my ultra specific-to-me lessons that I've picked up over the last four decades and they are by no means an instructional template for you to apply to your own life. This is not to imply that these are necessarily healthy or reasonable principals. This is the stuff that I've decided makes the most sense for me and the way I process the chaos that is existence.
Also Starring: my garden sketches.
1) All Relationships are Temporary.
Colleagues, friends, family, partners. However close or distant you feel to any person, at some point your relationship will end. Whether you naturally drift apart, break up, or someone dies, all relationships will, at some point, end. Now this sounds bleak, I know. Some people may take away from that "Well, what's the point of getting attached to someone else then?" But, for me, the opposite conclusion is true. Knowing that my time with someone else is limited makes me consciously appreciate the moments we are spending together now. It does encourage me to open up and trust and bond, because I want to get to that level with someone before our time runs out. This also lets me value the good experiences I had with someone, even if we ended on not-ideal terms. I'm preeeetty sure this is also a defense mechanism I developed as a child of a wildly unpredictable parent as a way to protect myself from her volatile mood swings. "Maybe I won't be blindsided with pain if I just already accept that everyone is going to leave me" goes my sweet, idiot logic. Like all of my reasoning, some of it is maladaptive processing and some of it does serve me in forming caring, fulfilling relationships, both short and long term. It works for me.
2) This is Your Only Life
Matt is terrified of dying. If he is presented with the opportunity to upload his consciousness into The Matrix, he will absolutely do that, and I know this because he brings it up on a pretty regular basis. I, on the other hand, am so fucking ready to die. Not in a bad way! You don't need to call any emergency line to report me. I mean... I find a lot of comfort in the idea of getting to live your one beautiful life from the beginning to the end and then you are just... done. The story ends and the book closes. I find comfort in knowing that I will be remembered by others for a generation or so, and then they, too, eventually will pass away and the last of my books will disintegrate into dust and there will be no record I ever existed. It makes me feel connected to humanity because this is how it's always been and how it always will be. We enter into this world from nothing, we live the duration of our lifespan, however short or long it may be, and then we go back out into nothing. And since this is your only chance, for fuck's sake, why not make the most of your time here? Make meaningful relationships. In whatever small ways you can, try to make life a little bit better for others. Pursue the things that make happy (Which is not to imply that I think it is possible to achieve Happiness as a constant state of existing every single day. I definitely don't believe that is possible). Life can suck so hard for so much of the time, so do what you can to find your moments of joy and to help others have a better time here too. This view on life was definitely informed by reading this page of Sandman when I was an adolescent in the 90s. (The bespectacled dude just died in a freak brick accident and is meeting the Hot!Goth personification of Death to lead him off into the Great Hereafter)
3) Partnership is a Choice
Matt and I have been together for nineteen years. Next year will be twenty. The year after that will be half of my life. We absolutely should not have worked out. We never should have even met each other in the first place! What are the odds that I'd go to England for one weekend while I was studying abroad in France and I'd meet this 19-year-old and we'd click like we'd known each other our whole lives? What are the odds we'd survive 3.5 years of USA-UK long-distance? We both went into this expecting it to end. We were a fling and then we were in a relationship but only until one of us started dating somebody on the same continent and then we were getting married but only because it was the only way for us to live in the same country together and if we didn't work out then he'd go back to England and then we were married for 15 years (16, this October).
Going back to my "All Relationships are Temporary" stance, I entered this marriage expecting it to end in the not-too-distant future, because how could it not? We knew we were too young to be getting married (23 and 25) and that after 3.5 years in a long-distance relationship, we had only spent around six weeks total together in real life. That's insane! There's no way this would last! But. It was our only option to be together. So, we did it. We didn't say "till death do us part" during our vows and we have always talked pragmatically about the possibility of getting divorced some day- not because we're in danger of it at the moment, but just being realistic that, through no fault of their own, people grow and change in ways that can make them incompatible eventually and a lot of marriages do end in divorce.
And here's the thing: This acceptance that our relationship may run its course some day has counterintuitively made me a more committed, loyal partner. All partnerships hit their challenging points, and some people weather them by justifying, "I MADE A VOW. TILL DEATH DO US PART. I MADE A PROMISE BACK WHEN I WAS IN AN EARLIER STAGE OF MY LIFE, WHEN I WAS A DIFFERENT VERSION OF MYSELF, SO I AM STICKING THROUGH THIS EVEN THOUGH I AM MISERABLE." while for me I've thought "I can leave. I am free to leave. And... this is still worth it to me. As a whole, our relationship is worth weathering this hard moment and I am choosing to stay. I am free to change my mind later, too. But today? I choose to stay." That means a lot more to me than a dated promise made at a completely different point in my life.
I chose Matt when I was 21 and I have actively chosen him every day since then. I chose him as a 21-year-old college student and I chose him as a 31-year-old adult and I choose him still now that I'm a 41-year-old almost-middle age woman. I choose him.
4) Essay Conclusions are Impossible to Write When it's 12:22 A.M. and You Meant to Go to Bed Hours Ago
Signing off, my good dudes.
xoxo and I choose you,
Erika
Comments
Chris Mac.
See, this is why I want to live 3000 years, to have more of those relationships and just experience more life.
Monica Marion
We have the same birthday (it’s a great birthday imo)! and I turned 30 this year so thank you for the wisdom since I’m also going into a new decade. This all feels relatable and reassuring! When you say “Like all of my reasoning, some of it is maladaptive processing and some of it does serve me in forming caring, fulfilling relationships, both short and long term. It works for me” that about perfectly articulated something I’ve been trying to figure out/put into words
The Ferret
This is such a beautiful post and I held off reading it, know it would make me tear up a bit. And y'know what? it did and it's worth it. You and Matt have such a wonderful relationship and I'm touched that you choose to share as much of it with us as you do.
Danielle Corsetto
I love your & Matt's approach to your relationship, so much.
Erika Moen
Yes, I love this. Perfect phrase.
Hedgebug
My partner and I share the same "just for now" sentiment. For us, it takes the form of the phrase "I'll be here tomorrow"; you can't commit to being there for your partner forever, or even realistically next year, or maybe month, or even next week. But tomorrow? I can commit to being here tomorrow, and we've been through a lot of tomorrows.
Ealasaid Haas
Happy belated birthday! #1 reminds me of one of the Five Remembrances from Buddhism: "All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them." For me, being aware of that helps me be in the moment. If every time I see a friend could be the last time I see them, I pay more attention. I really listen, I take it all in. I find it helps me not take things for granted. When we do end up separated one way or another, I don't want to have wasted my time with them in worrying or being distracted or whatever, you know? I want to have really been there for every minute we had together.
Margreet de Heer
So many Hashtag Relatables here! I, too, have that Death-page embedded in my brain and I, too, do the Relationship-choosing thing. Happy belated birthday wishes!
Lars Gottlieb
For someone so self-deprecating, that's a solid dose of well-earned wisdom Erika. Thank you.
Zena Darling
Same! It's such an important difference, isn't it? <3
Aeryn Light
I like the idea of relationships being a continuous active choice~ We should never take each other for granted, or feel like we have to stick to a relationship because of some arbitrary agreement years ago. That said, I am glad that you and Matt still make each other smile after all these years.
AlterKitten
Happy belated birthday, Erika! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, I really enjoy such lists and your points were particularly enjoyable to read. I've been changing a lot in life in the past few years and leaning more and more towards the perspectives you shared - it's only this one life, relationships are a continuous choice, and they'll all end eventually - so this brought me to a lot of thinking this morning, in good ways, about the choices I continue to make that lead me to where I am right now! Hope you had a great birthday :D
Mandy Wright
The "I'm sticking to this because I made a promise" and "I choose this because I want to be here now" is basically the difference between my first and my current marriage. Thank you for putting this into words for me.
BT
🥹❤️
allanfranta
Good job Erika!
Ondrea K
I am also a sucker for such lists. Thank you so much for sharing yours!!
Madeleine Clay
This is beautiful, thank you.
Sharain
As a fellow human in early 40s, I think these are very wise thoughts. I’d just add a corollary to #2: live your life fully now, not wait for some distant future, when you feel you have done ”enough” for others to have earned the right to put yourself first. (Watching yet another iteration of women in my family sacrificing their lives to be caretakers… makes me both sad and mad.)
Deniz Bevan
xoxox
