ErikaMoen
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ESSAY: A Motherfucking Bad Ass
🕑 Added 2024-12-08 01:08:38 +0000 UTCContent Note: This writing describes medical injury on my reproductive organs.
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I managed to wait until the clinicians left the room before I doubled over on the exam table sobbing.
In the last dozen or so years I'd already gone through multiple IUD insertions and removals. It sucks, sure. It hurts! But it's not "the worst" and I was an old pro, I could handle it. This was actually a point of pride for me.
An IUD is a birth control device that looks like a miniature capital T, which is inserted up through the vagina and nestles inside the uterus. ...If only I had drawn an educational comic about IUDs eleven years ago that I could use to show you what I'm describing... OH WAIT:
Whether it's being inserted or removed, the clinic will typically advise you to pop an ibuprofen or two before your appointment, but that's as much pain management as you'll get. It's not even that painful, exactly, but for me it's just such an intensely, shockingly different sensation in an area of the body that is never touched, and that physical disturbance is so powerfully alien that the only way my brain knows how to translate it is into this kind of pain-adjacent feeling. I dunno, man, it's weird. It sucks. But it's manageable.
That time, it wasn't manageable.
I mean, I got through it. Obviously, I did it. But that time it really, truly was painful. Searing, ripping, engulfing pain. Now that I've had kidney stones since then and can compare the two... Well, my kidney stones experience lasted way longer, so maybe they'd win this competition purely from how long I had to suffer? But only barely.
I was embarrassed as I sobbed.
"You're weak." I told myself. "You're stupid. You're incompetent."
It's the same refrain I've repeated to myself for as long as I can remember, it's the message my grandmother first baked into my head as a child and the one my mother reinforced as I grew. My grandmother meant it as an insult, to shame me into behaving "better" (I guess?), while my mother meant it as a way to "protect" me (I think?), by preparing me for a world that would chew me up and spit me out so I needed to be on the defensive to compensate for my weaknesses in advance. "Everyone else is stronger and smarter and more capable than you, so protect yourself accordingly" was the intended message, I think. The message I absorbed, though, was "I am weak and stupid and incompetent, so don't even try to be more than that."
There are a lot of Normal Capabilities that I grew up lacking, that my high school and college friends took the time to teach me (or try to, bless them). Stuff like: How to Take the Bus (I was told I'd get raped by another passenger if I rode the bus), How to Cook (I would get cut or burned if I prepared my own food), How to Tell Someone They Hurt My Feelings (the situation would be made 10x worse or violent if I spoke up), or How to Drive (you will kill someone, either yourself or someone else, if you drive).
I have worked so, so hard the last few decades learning how to do the Normal Things that Normal People do, but I'm 41 years old and I still noticeably struggle with them. And when I struggle, I tell myself, "You're weak. You're stupid. You're incompetent."
A few days ago, I met with a new doctor to discuss a possible surgery I may have to get on my ovary. It's not an emergency, but there's, like, a lemon-sized fibroid that is either attached to my ovary or has... swallowed up my ovary entirely. It's difficult to tell from the MRI images. Like an un-emerged wisdom tooth, it's not causing any noticeable problems yet but it's probably just a good idea to get rid of it before it does.
The doctor was comparing MRIs taken over the years and noted that my last IUD was embedded into the wall of my uterus.
...
My last IUD was embedded inside the wall of my uterus.
This probably happened when it was inserted; the clinician probably pushed too hard, penetrated the wall and then my body just... healed around it.
So when the last person went to remove it years later, they weren't just sliding an object out of my pre-existing anatomy pocket, they were pulling on a hook that was embedded inside the meat of my body.
WITHOUT. PAIN KILLER.
And I took it!
I practiced deep breathing, I kept my body still, I waited until the clinicians left before I broke down sobbing and I was so ashamed of myself because I thought I was imagining the pain, I was making it worse than it actually was. Normal people can do this without reacting like I am, I thought. I was weak, I was stupid, I was incompetent.
BUT I WASN'T.
I was a motherfucking BAD ASS.
I fucking rawdogged my uterus getting shredded with a blunt object without any meaningful pain management. I did that! That is the opposite of weak! That is FUCKING BAD ASS.
I AM FUCKING BAD ASS.
I ride the bus everywhere and I know how to deal with the men who harass me. I have practiced cooking enough that I can now make an edible casserole. My cold terror while driving has reduced to an alert fear and, occasionally, moments of near neutrality. When I tell someone they hurt my feelings, I know I will be able to take care of myself no matter what their response. Should I ever have to undergo a primitive surgery with no anesthetic again, I will breathe and exercise control until it is over.
Throughout my childhood and youth, my caregivers taught me I was weak, I was stupid, I was incompetent.
I have worked so, so hard to teach myself another lesson, to be something else.
I am 41 years old now.
I am capable. I am smart. I am strong.
I'm a motherfucking bad ass.
Comments
Sharain
”Used to horrible cramps so you’d be fine”? What is wrong with your gyno?! Then again… that’s like most gynos I’ve met too 😞
Kris K
This is why I'm terrified of getting an IUD! I've heard so many horror stories like this, and brought it up to my gyno. She said most people just need to take an ibuprofen but some have bad cramps, but since I'm used to horrible cramps, I'd be fine. She actually said that when I asked if they offer any local anesthetic for IUD insertions. F*cking doctors minimizing and blowing off our concerns AND our pain.
Lars Gottlieb
Yes, you are. Also, there is no shame in asking for painkillers if whatever that medical professional is doing is Painful Love you <3
BT
👏👏👏👏👏👏
Andrea Hulman-Watsjold
Oh my god, that's always the nightmare, isn't it? That your IUD will end up somewhere it isn't supposed to.
Karine Charlebois
Heck, I already thought you were a motherfucking badass, so there you go. ❤️🔥
Tamara
YOU TOTALLY ARE! You are a badass and an inspiration in SO MANY areas of life. Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. YOU ROCK!
Hannah K
Seconding this!
allanfranta
There is a difference between shame and guilt; you were taught shame, which is shameful and the teachers of your shame should feel guilty for doing it, but they were probably raised that way... It's sad, really. Guilt is when you feel bad because you think you fucked up. Shame is when you feel bad because you think YOU are fucked up. My guilty feelings keep me from repeating stupid hurtful things (and if I'm lucky, figure that out before I do those things). Breaking the chains of shame is completely fucking hardcore badass behavior, thank you for sharing the tale!
Margreet de Heer
You ARE! AND you're a damn good writer! AND a great comic artist! Yay for you!
Deniz Bevan
Yes! Bad ass! True strength and willpower ❤️
William Cole
This is both heartbreaking & inspiring. It's deeply fucked up that you got fed those messages, but you are an absolute, stone-cold badass to fight your way free of them.
Chris Mac.
Badass doesn't even begin to cover how amazing you are!
Erika Moen
💪💪💪
Dirk Bergstrom
Dayum! I had a tiny filling done w/o novacaine once and that was super unpleasant. Can't imagine actual un-anesthetized fucking around with your insides. Sorry you had to go through that, but good on your for recognizing the upside of the experience.
Ripley LaCross
Holy shit.
Sharain
You’re so bad ass! That sounds horrendous. And seriously, what’s with our society (everywhere around the world really) being so against pain treatment? 🤬Especially in ”female issues” (and fuck you society for calling it that, no one talks about ”male issues”, come on, people with female anatomy are people too!), supposed to just take anything and everything (I’ll never forget my friend sobbing to my shoulder that she’s weak and a worthless mother for wanting epidural when giving birth). Sorry rambly, it’s 4 am here.
Mandy Wright
FUCK, YEAH, ERIKA!!!!
Rich Bailey
I wish I could heart this 1000 times. Yes, you are a bad ass. And that's just for this story, not to mention doing art (which is not for the faint of heart) and doing a joyful s*x ed site. For years. You're great.
Erika Ward
An absolute bad ass.
Auros Harman
IANAL, but this seems like a case where the team that made the original error -- shoving the IUD in hard enough for it to end up embedded -- really should be on the hook to have their malpractice insurance pay out damages, for both pain and suffering, and for the risk you were exposed to of other complications. (Though to get them to do that you'd likely need to get a lawyer to fight with their lawyers first. We really need to get a no-fault malpractice system in the US, like several developed countries have.) https://slate.com/technology/2017/07/adopting-new-zealands-method-for-medical-malpractice-would-lower-health-care-costs.html https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2005/02/do-the-swedes-have-a-faultless-fix.html
The Ferret
Holy fucking shit, every time you post I figure my respect and admiration cannot go higher and then it fucking *does*! I painfully relate to those childhood lies, getting over them is so goddamn hard sometimes, but so worth it eh?
Becky Fish
I have some awesome easy recipes to share if you ever want them! For example, take a package of 5-6 chicken drumsticks, remove and discard the skins, then place the drumsticks in a glass baking pan. Spread 1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup over top. Bake in 375 degree oven for 1 hour.
Andrew Hitzhusen
Complete and utter badass
Laura J Testa-Reyes
As you told the story, I thought to myself that it probably was something way worse, and so it was. And yes, you are bad ass.
Sharon Hughes
That is so fucking hard core. 💪
