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What Will Be | Chapter 34
🕑 Added 2024-03-14 16:30:03 +0000 UTCAuthor's Note: Thank you all for your continued support! I always love hearing from you in the comments and on the Discord. It makes my day. Thanks for reading!
“Do we shape our Skills? Do our Skills shape us? I have come to conclude that it is a little bit of both. Our Skills breed habits. Habits in action become habits in thought become a part of who we are. Ultimately, the responsibility still rests with us. Your Skills are not and should never be an excuse. Your actions are your own.”
~Unknown
Shades of twilight already coloured the horizon by the time Tina and Vigil returned. Neither Mira nor Pix were with her. According to Lionel, the responsibilities of his fellow Slayers would keep them predisposed for at least another day or two. Thus, we found ourselves saddled with a temporary houseguest. At least, we would have, if we had a guest room. Fortunately, Lionel was content to camp outside, insisted upon it, even.
“To slumber beneath the night sky is to seize inspiration from the Eyes of the System, or so some say,” was how he’d phrased it. The expression was new to me, but I rather enjoyed the imagery. I’d always found the stars beautiful in passing. In my first life, they were ephemeral, something magical in a world that felt increasingly less so.
It was why I never bothered learning the official constellations or committing their patterns to memory. Perhaps subconsciously, I clung to the mystique. It was almost a shame. Being able to identify the presence - or absence - of ‘Ursus-Major-General’ or whatever it’s called could have spared me years of existential musings. Unfortunately, I never imagined being able to pick the starscape of Earth out of a lineup would be relevant to my situation.
The moon was, similarly, a dead end. The natural satellite I spied was the same yellowish-grayish-white I was familiar with instead of something more telling, like purple or green. It had a lunar cycle and was adorned with craters. As far as moons went, it was certainly moony.
Tulos was quick to abscond with Tina after sending me to bed with promises of an explanation the following day. I could understand his desire to clear everything with Tina first, but I was growing impatient. Not knowing gnawed at me.
***
I was having a bad night. Sleep eluded me as one gnawing thought turned into another. Worry turned to doubt. I’d abandoned my bed and sat with my back to the wall. When I tilted my head back, I felt a chill at the point of contact.
Did I fuck up? It was an insidious thought, one I felt latch onto my mind and dig into my confidence.
So much had happened since the incident with Jusep and my subsequent Advancement. There was plenty to keep my body busy and my thoughts occupied over the last couple of weeks. I allowed myself to get lost in the new possibilities Advancement provided.
I haven’t even thought about what happened to Jusep in days… I realized. Hearing Tulos and Lionel discuss the incident was the closest I’d come in a long time. Too long. There was always one more thing to ask Tina about, or one more thing to experiment with, or- the list went on and on. Mana from Perseverance tried to help push the feelings away, but it barely affected me. The mana was dulled. Diluted.
It was Recovery. Without external distractions, I finally spotted the source of my growing discomfort. My Skills were in opposition. I felt my breathing start to quicken as memories of the fueha attack flooded my mind, no longer held at bay.
They were the key, the source of my doubt. I heard a stirring of movement. At first, Fudge concluded that my position on the floor meant I was offering him the bed. In the way that dogs do, he must have picked up on my distress. After a quick stretch, he hopped down and tried to push his head against me for comfort.
Normally, it would have helped.
In that moment, the appreciation I felt for Fudge turned to loathing for myself. It finally occurred to me what Fudge represented beyond his eventual role as my guard dog.
He’s another connection to my life as Will. A big one…
It should have been obvious, right? I just… hadn’t been able to realize it until that point.
Something isn’t adding up. More than one ‘something’ wasn't adding up, actually.
I felt Perseverance and Recovery start to glow again.
Don’t either of you fucking dare, I thought at the Skills, overcome with a flash of acidic anger. Surprisingly, my mana went still, and the Skills dimmed. It was the first time I had ever tried forcefully shutting off a Skill. Not wanting to deprive myself of proficiency points, I had been actively encouraging Perseverance to activate since- Since I was a baby…
One thing at a time! It was harder to organize my thoughts without Perseverance, but I’d still been doing it for years and eventually managed the feat. I grabbed a handful of Fudge’s fur for support, which made me feel all the more guilty as I replayed my logic for choosing a Taming Skill to begin with.
Creatures like the fueha were terrifying; Vigil and Tina could defend themselves against the fueha; having a dog like Vigil would help me survive long enough to figure out the Unnamed Skill and get home. At the time, it made sense. It still made sense, but there was a nuance I’d not properly considered.
The best-case scenario was that I’d master Taming [Dog] and all the magics associated with it. Fudge and I would push Advancement to its limit. I’d eventually learn the secrets of the Unnamed Skill or discover a completely different method of returning home and then…
And then what?
After decades, practically a whole lifetime with Fudge, would I be willing to abandon him if it meant getting back home? What if I couldn’t bring him with me?
FUCK! I clenched my injured hand into a fist and punched the ground. The impact sent spikes of pain up my arm as I bit back a curse. I felt my Skills try to reignite in response to the new stimulus, but another harsh thought dowsed their power.
What the fuck was I thinking?! I sprung to my feet and started nervously pacing the room, a habit I shared with Tina. More importantly, why was I able to make a decision like that? I was beginning to suspect that Perseverance had been skewing my priorities. Taming was a pragmatic choice, but surely I could have thought of something better suited to the immediate goal of returning home that didn’t saddle me with-
No, not saddle, you can’t think about poor Fudge like that, I scolded myself.
My frustration began to boil. It wasn’t fair. Reincarnation was bullshit. Skills were bullshit. It was all bullshit. As I seethed, the memories of the fueha attack replayed in my mind for the umpteenth time, making up for weeks of delayed torment.
The fueha attack… It was the only thing I could think of that made any sense. Perseverance was so focused on keeping me alive that, for the first time in years, I was able to adjust my priorities.
I wanted to scream. Some rational part of my brain tried to insist that the choices I made were ultimately my own, but was that really the case? It was like my emotions were an active volcano forced into dormancy. Now that I was feeling every buried frustration, every bitter thought repressed so that it didn’t impede my progress, the sensation was overwhelming. I needed an outlet, I-
There was a knock on my window. Fudge, who had been watching me pace, leapt to his feet and started growling at the intruder.
A quick pivot revealed Lionel peering into my bedroom from outside.
“Is it okay if I come in?” He asked, and I noted the concern in his voice. “Your parents are in the middle of something, but you look like you need adult supervision.”
“Fudge, heel.” He did. “Why are you here?” I snapped at Lionel, prompting a small frown from the Slayer. I felt my whole body grow tense at his intrusion. I didn’t need any help.
“I think what you mean to ask is how I knew you needed adult supervision, since I already explained why I was here” Lionel remarked casually. “To answer your question, I heard you.” He pointed at his ear. “I can hear more than just mana. It is how I know your parents are having an important conversation and should not be disturbed right now.”
“So, you just listen to everyone all the time?” It was an accusation. My face was locked in a scowl, but Lionel didn’t even flinch, because of course he didn’t.
Because I am stuck in this fucking childish body, I thought as a fresh wave of frustration crashed over me.
“No, that would be torture,” Lionel replied, adopting a lecturing tone. “But old habits die hard, and I occasionally use my mana to scan an area, even when that area should be a safe one.” He made a show of considering something. “If you would prefer I remain outside, perhaps you should join me? Fresh air can soothe a cranky heart.”
“I am not cranky,” I spat. “I just… I just…”
“We can talk about it,” Lionel said. Somehow, I could feel the empathy behind his words. “Your father informed me regarding your apparent maturity, so I promise I’ll communicate with you accordingly. Does that sound good?”
I nodded before I realized I was doing it. The raw sincerity I heard in Lionel's offer momentarily threw off my rhythm.
“Brilliant. Bring Fudge. I suspect he would grow rather antsy without your company, and dogs should never be antsy. That would be like seeing a catty cow.” He shuddered. “See? It does not even sound right.” It was hard for my anger to find purchase against Lionel’s stream of nonsense.
Don’t let him bait you into an outburst, I told myself. I almost didn't listen.
Lionel walked away from the window, presumably to go wait for me. I was left silently fuming without any sensible outlet. The dull throbbing in my fist was a reminder of what I’d done when left alone. I groaned in annoyance.
“Come on Fudge,” I said reluctantly before trudging to the door.
Comments
Heraclitus
A much needed step for our MC. Let's see if it's backwards, to the side, or forward.
BelligerentGnu
I can only reiterate, Lionel needs a gut check.
