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[Esc] reality
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videos take longer cause I'm ugly and unphotogenic
🕑 Added 2018-10-06 02:06:16 +0000 UTC A new path.I seem to be posting more video updates than actual videos. Sorry about that.
I'm working on a new look for myself personally aswell as for the new video. The camera thinks I look like shit and I cry every time. It thinks everything else is very pretty though. I'm trying so hard to change so we can make this work lol. As much as I love black, I can't seem to do it right. I look like a clown every time. So I'm gonna work on some more "natural" looking makeup while still looking witchy (you know, so random people can keep telling me how much better I look "without makeup"). I don't know how other people do it but as someone who enjoys beauty, I'm gonna have to find my aesthetic all over again. Maybe other people are just "naturally beautiful" or "photogenic". One of my goals is to have some nice pictures of myself and it makes me so desperate cause I can't seem to do something that actually works. Is anyone else in a funk lately? I seem to be going back and forth on what I think I want, trying one thing, then growing uncomfortable and dissatisfied and trying to get it all off again. There's bound to be failure when you're trying new things but realistically, I have about two weeks to film the three videos I wanted this month so - no pressure at all haha.
At the same time I have to take care of myself and my needs. I've put more time into exercising and skin care and last night I made a cute choker for myself with the cutest little watermelon tourmaline for stress relief and emotional healing. Sadly, all the crystals in the world can't make up for the lack of sleep that's pushing me to the edge of sanity. There's just no rest for the wicked. And all the crafting just reminds me that I haven't checked etsy in what two months... I try to work with what I have and where I am but truthfully, I hate where I am. There's nothing for me here. This place has nothing I want and need. Not only that, it's getting in the way of meeting needs that should be granted naturally, like proper sleep.
On my off days I work on spells and amulets and rewards. I feel so bad everytime a patron leaves before I can get around to them. And I will catch up and I will make sure you get what you signed up for - it'll just be slower than expected. I will be casting as many spells/blessings as I can before my next appointment (next Thursday) so I can send some on the way. I may not have the faintest idea where I'm at, but I hope I don't forget anyone and if I do, please leave me a message so I can know I have another thing to work on. The messaging system here really needs an update, more so than the creator dashboard in my opinion. I'd appreciate it if all messages from the same user were in one thread please and thanks. It's confusing to have to scroll and try to remember who said what and when and what have or haven't I already asked... You get the idea.
I would also like to thank all my super patrons for sponsoring another kitty snack haul.
Besides just temptations I bought a few different kinds of treats to feed kitties, including something that actually looks like legit chicken, to try and entice Reverend into eating some more. Reverend is a very skinny looking kitty that I've only seen twice so far. The first time I met him outside a church, hence the name. I actually don't know what gender Reverend is. I guess we will find out. He's friendly but easily distracted. Despite being very underweight, he doesn't eat much when I offer temptations. Maybe something else will be tastier to him.
I definitely feel better about myself carrying more snacks in my backpack. You never know when you will meet a friendly cat who is willing to give you pets for food. Like a cheap, furry softcore hooker lol. Try to get that image out of your head, I challenge you.
Besides all that, I've hit a dead end with how I used to do things. The stuff that once worked, no longer works. Whether it's videos or hobbies or just generally feeling uncomfortable in my skin... I feel like I'm playing catch-up with my destiny. Like I've evolved way beyond what I know and now I have to adjust to that without a clue what it is I actually need to do, just stumbling in the dark and hitting one wall after the other, crashing and burning every single day - and then getting up again, moving a little bit to the left, a little bit to the right, walking along the wall until hopefully someday there will be an end to it. It makes me nervous and I'm pretty discouraged because I've already severely lowered my expectations and still it seems undoable when everything I attempt just goes horribly wrong. I've found some new inspiration, too, in some very unexpected places. And if nothing else, having a meltdown every single day just helps me recover faster. But I'd honestly rather just things worked out for me. Who doesn't, right?
I found out recently that I have an intense fear of being seen.
Lady in random youtube video: "I want you to be clear how this fear is manifesting in your life"
Me: "Well first of all, I don't go outside..." - even if you've just read a couple of my posts, it's pretty clear that all signs point to this fear as something I'm really struggling with. The last time a barista recognized me it made me want to curl up and die. It's that bad. Yesterday morning (when I was supposed to be sleeping) some men came in to exchange all the heaters - it was the longest hour of my life. Well, now I know what the noise is about. It's excruciatingly loud, the way they throw around their tools and hammer away at the pipes... Even with ear plugs I can't drown it out. Also the rest of the noise and pile of half painted bricks outside this building suggests that a wall has been smashed and the family from hell continue to breed and my neighbor with the ridiculously loud TV all night long and... I'm just in a really bad place. (Yes, I have asked him to turn it down, he just ignored me. Fuck that guy, even his cat hates him.) Living here gives me a headache, gives me insomnia and meltdowns and I have to make it work somehow until the god forsaken consulate gives me my visa interview.
It's just a lot of shit for me to take and handle and sort out and manage and I can't do it all on my own. So I'm sorry if videos don't come as fast as they used to or rewards take a really long time to complete. Even my hair has a hard time holding up. I wanted something like a big wavy bob for a video and now it looks like I never did anything to it. "What's that? Extra hold mousse and a flat iron? That don't impress me much." ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) - Ally's hair. I just want you to know I have the best of intentions and I'm very overwhelmed but I'm trying. Also if you have signed up for rewards and want to delete your pledge, please leave me your address including legal name (and a description of what you want if I haven't asked you yet) so I can avoid being super awkward and asking you later because it doesn't show me anymore. That would be super awesome.
Hopefully I'll get to figure out an aesthetic and film the crystal healing video soon and then eventually move on to the spooky set of roleplays. Positive energy and well wishes are very much appreciated aswell. I hope you all are doing better than I am at the moment but if you are not, feel free to vent in the comments. Misery likes company. I'll do my best to make all the projects worth your while.
//Ally
Comments
[Esc] reality
I relate to this so much. It doesn't help that often the question is followed by "who the fuck do you think you are?" or some shit. It's been used as an attack way too often due to people hiding their aggression behind polite enough inquiries that they seem almost civil. "Can I ask you something?", "I need to talk to you", "Do you have a moment?" - instant adrenaline. I don't think you can help beyond what you already do for me but thanks for caring. I believe I've identified the problem which is I'm pressuring myself too much, to the point where I feel like everything depends on me making regular videos. If one session doesn't work out it feels like the world is collapsing. I've been trying to record the same video for 3 weeks now. Something always goes wrong. I've never performed well under pressure so maybe it's time to just do something stupid and experimental again just cause I feel like it. You know, back to basics.
Artemis
The not wanting to be seen part sounds kinda familiar. It isn't that much of an issue for me right now as it is normally is but uni starts in two days and things are bound to become worse. (Yay, optimism) I do want to be recognised for the things I do but even a simple "Can I ask you a question" from relatives, friends or (gods forbid) strangers is enough to send my brain into overdrive and turn me into an overthinking wreck trying to analyze every single part of the question, its phrasing, tone, when it was asked, ... to find out what I did wrong even if the question turns out to be the most bland and unimportant thing imaginable. On another note; Ally, can we help you? And if yes, how can we do it? It doesn't matter if it takes time until the next video comes, I'd personally rather watch something you produced and liked in two months than something you hated creating right now.
Dudette I feel ya. This working on 3rd shift thing has totally fucked up my life of habit. Im a pretty solitary person but 3 months of basically only talking shop with work ppl is wearing me down. Need to make a change, but how and what will satisfy this new way of being alive mostly at night and in the mourning? The ultimate question as always..... Naturally I cant get it from another person like a parasite and must re-mold my own life by myself... But what... WHAT WILL SATISFY THIS BODY AND MIND?!?! lol Maybe Im just running out of goals to reach for? maybe I never noticed this feeling before cuz there was always some emotion, some stressor, some tension, some unfilled need, some obstacle to overcome(capricorn), someone or something requiring attention when I was younger. Ha maybe life is getting alittle too easy now, all the bills are on auto-pay, no pets or roomies, no pressing drama, summer's noise is over. Just quiet days with me myself and I.... lol... Humans I swear... So needy
