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ending the ancestral line
🕑 Added 2019-02-13 02:43:44 +0000 UTCMy ancestral line will not continue. I'm not sure if I made myself clear enough or not, but I don't want to have children under any circumstances and not for anything in the world. It just occurred to me that this means I am ending my personal ancestral line. It is my decision. I like to think of it as a case of "I came. I saw. I said this has to stop." ... Those of us who are only children may not think of ourselves as that profoundly powerful and may not know of this responsibility handed to us. I am a firm believer that no soul is born indebted to another, hence why my mother's guilt trips regarding "giving her" grandchildren did naught but insult me. I thought it selfish of her to demand that I suffer the pain of childbirth and a lifetime of responsibilities for which I am not ready just so she can live in the illusion that someone loves her - if not me, then surely my potential children, who, if they existed, would be too young to know any better. Nonetheless, all the energy, the genetic imprint and the ancestral memories that went into creating me will come to an end and I am the solemn holder of this power.
I decided to write about this because of how much it moved me - and I know some of you like to hear the thoughts I keep to myself. Maybe some of you can relate.
It makes me a little sad that people whom I consider less than - less intelligent, less deep, less empathic, less conducive to creating a world I would like to live in - breed like fucking rabbits while more intelligent, more deep and empathic people don't want to procreate (because they know better). Soon, I think, our kind will die out and all that's left will be the Trumps and Pauls and [insert your least favorite stupid person who doesn't deserve the fame they get]. My hope lies purely in the good and decent people who are ready and capable of raising good decent children who will grow up to be good decent adults (preferably with a wicked taste in music). I won't be one of them. I honestly can't even think about anything growing inside me without wanting to die. It terrifies me. I know this path is not for me and if this means that my ancestors die with me, so be it. All my life, ancestors and their influence meant nothing to me - and I was admittedly puzzled by all the examples of people who are affected by, proud to be an expression of, or work with the energy of their ancestral lineage. I, in contrast, feel like the death star of mine. This story ends with me, but so does all their pain and suffering. I'm the last of my kind.
So send flowers to the fallen.
When I familiarized myself with my first (and only) tarot deck over a decade ago now, I took a moment to find the card that represents me - and find it I did.
The Universe has always been my card. It's the expression of my soul - the end of a long expressive cycle and birth of a new one. The point where all the parts collapse into themselves, annihilating all that was in favor of all that can be. I didn't know then why I identified so much with the symbolism contained in this card. But I like to think it explains why I feel so strongly about the one thing I'm certain I came here to do. I'm still trying to comprehend what this insight does to my self-concept.
A bit ironic that my tragic upbringing has left me feeling so insignificant that I sometimes wonder if anything I do matters to anyone at all. Also ironic that many people like to throw unfounded accusations at only children, like how selfish, irresponsible and uncompromising they allegedly are. Surely, they must be downright self-obsessed and think they're something else because they never had to share their parents' attention with a sibling! Doesn't quite apply if there is no attention to be split up between anyone, really. But even though I never felt like my existence mattered to anyone, suddenly it does. It matters to all that was and all that could be.
And even I spent some time, over a decade ago now, wondering what my ancestors would want me to do with my life. Use my empathic gifts to help others? Use my creative gifts to leave my mark on the world? I can do that, though this has yet to give me the deep soul fulfillment I seek. We all need to belong somewhere. We all need that fulfillment. And happiness is not equal to all. Success is not equal to all. To buy a house, marry and have children is a dream to some - a nightmare to another. I never felt like I belonged in my family, didn't feel their support, nor a sense of purpose. Didn't feel their love or warmth or any of the other things a young child needs to feel safe and whole and to grow. Many years I've wandered this earth, somewhat sleepwalking, trying to feel significant in some way - like there is some place that needs me, some act only I can accomplish, something that requires my attention and renders me irreplaceable - and that, I imagined, would make me feel whole, like I belong, like my life has meaning, purpose, direction. Now I wonder, does such a thing exist? For me? Some say they are born to help and save and serve others, some feel called to changing the ways of the world - and then there's us. All of us, whom the world at large wants to label as little gears in an intimidatingly massive machinery, but we don't quite fit. There's no happiness in the clockwork either - not for us. Years of wandering aimlessly and feeling guilty and ashamed that I'm not living out some imaginary profound destiny. One that may not exist for me. What if that which our parents hoped for us is a lie? That is a trick question, don't fall for it. Whatever you were told was most definitely a lie (no matter how well-meaning). Because as smart as your parents (my parents) think they are, they know nothing of the world beyond their tiny, limited perspective from which the stories you were told had sprung, decades ago now. Their imagination is not your destiny. I want to shout these words at everyone who walks through life thinking they should be doing something important instead - but I digress.
Still, I exist. The mirrors of the world refracting my soul into its countless expressions existing and living and breathing inside me - all this, I'm sure, is the culmination of my ancestral line, bestowed upon me through my parents' failings, my family's dysfunction and all the resulting happenstances I found myself trapped in. The pain of everyone who came before me who has lent their energy and memories and experiences to my creation will end with me. I will die and I will take all their pain away. Instead of feeling guilty for being unwilling to continue this lineage, I like to deflect parts of the responsibility and ask, how is it that they all became a match to the likes of me, who would rather die than conceive? Though I know that is my mother speaking - the guilt trips, that is. That's like her favorite pastime. Deep inside I feel that the souls who are bound to the history of this family are glad if not thankful that I'm here to set them free. No one else will be born with the imprint of shame and self-contempt. No one else will suffer like I have suffered - not at my hands. Or should I say, mind? I will die and they will all collapse inside me and return to peace.
I understand now, what all these people mean when they say the souls of your ancestors are here to guide and protect you. The concept no longer mystifies me. They're all alive within you and it's up to you to judge whether this legacy should live on. I have decided that this particular one shouldn't. I know now that there's nothing I'm supposed to do that my ancestors are the wise judges of, but rather, the other way around. They are relying on me to choose what happens. Maybe it's just my upbringing, but I was always under the impression that I was to make a choice that pleases them - these imaginary people I've never met but am somehow deeply connected with. I will neither confirm nor deny any amount of projection on my part. I imagined they were sitting there on their thrones in the clouds, judging my every action, scrutinizing my every thought and shaming my every misdemeanor. And all this time they have been looking to me to make the choices I deem right and sensible. Not because I have free will and they are dead so they kinda have no choice - but because I exist as an expression of them, therefore I am them and they are me and I am all that's left of them and they all make up who I am and... Knowing all that, I can no longer continue to feel as wrong and wicked as my parents made me out to be, from their tiny limited perspectives, decades ago now.
I have come to heal the ancestral wound of shame.
The life that I believe those who came before me would have wanted me to live is one free of shame. Profound destiny or not, higher good or not - my freedom and my power both lie in the knowing that all this ends with me. To everyone who has sent kind words and positive energy my way, thank you. It has definitely been received. I've reached a point lately that I never thought I would. (Liking myself.) I've arrived here through removing myself from others and everything that's said about me and making an effort to figure out how I really feel and how I want to express myself. I came to realize that no one can define me but me which is infinitely empowering by itself. But what I've learned today completed this transition for me.
All that's left to do is to live like I'm the last of my kind.
Other than that? Oh... I mean... I really like to sing. (And a couple videos featuring that are in the works and more are developing).
Happy fucking new year god dammit.
