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how it's going
🕑 Added 2019-07-30 20:03:11 +0000 UTCHi guys, how are you doing?
I guess I'll start with saying I'm on the low end of the wheel of fortune lately. I've been struggling with feeling utterly superfluous and had plenty of chances to get a good look at my unfortunate conditioning. As a result, as of now, I'm a little ball of depression and hate. Though instead of running from these feelings out of fear that if I give in, I'll follow through with the urge to let go and watch everything I've built come crashing down around me - I at least want to integrate these feelings and not have to run anymore. So forgive me if I sound a little low for a while, I'm just processing my own baggage. I've been fighting this very hopelessness I'm dwelling in now for a long time, but I got tired. Contrary to what I had expected, it's not killing me - I feel more alive now that I'm not pushing away what the world has made me. Unwanted and like a huge disappointment, but alive.
The other day I discovered my superpower. The stormy weather and/or arbitrary planetary alignments have left me affected - restless, panicky, drained, exhausted. Whenever I feel something I can't explain or feel something more stongly than seems appropriate, I like to check in with others and find out if it's just bigger than me. And when I find that others are suffering the same way, it's like a switch flips in my brain. I'm suddenly rational and really know what I've always known. I'm no longer drowning alone, confused and unable to explain why this is happening to me. Instantly, I become the life boat for everyone else. My brain starts thinking of ways to help others through what I'm feeling - it's not a conscious decision. More like a subconscious compulsion... But the clarity I feel when I want to support others is priceless indeed. It makes me wonder why I've been dwelling in this confusion when all along I've known that the impulses I have and that everyone else is having are counter-intuitive. I know the right thing to do, the right words to say. How come I can't recognize this unless someone else is involved? My Aquarian moon wants to distribute resources where they are needed, yet I, by myself, cannot benefit from the same stability? That being said, something I've found extremely helpful through the (not merely physical) storm is one of my candles. A spelled candle I made to dispel negative energy and especially negative intentions from the outside. When lit, just being in the same room as this candle is the most soothing thing I've ever felt - and when the light touches you it feels like you can finally rest because any and all danger is just gone. I wish I could give all of you a carbon copy of this candle. But I can't. That's why I filmed it so you can benefit from its amazing energy through the light on the screen. I'm still contemplating how to use this candle clip and brainstorming soothing triggers I could add. I'm sure it'll come together eventually. But my deepest intention is that you will benefit from this spell like I have, and that you will have this soothing treasure to come back to anytime you need it.
On another note, the bonus video for the Mega tier will be a little late because my local grocery store has been consistently failing to stock a key ingredient (organic mince). As a last resort, today, I had to go to the organic grocery store at the mall to get some. They are never not stocked (likely because everything costs twice as much as the other store.) I hope you will like my healthy meals anyway - only one left to film before I can start on the voice-over and editing.
Next week I have my last appointment with my disability carer (before I get a permanent new carer) so I'm counting pledges for this year's big cat food donation. It'll go to the local shelter once again as they are thankful for any contribution. By now I wanted to be settled with Jack on another landmass and I was anticipating getting to know the people and animals in the nearest shelter from where we're moving. But then the USCIS fucked up EPICALLY and the struggle begins again. So if you fancy it and can afford it, it's not too late to check out Super tier and above to help kitties out. I'll post again next week because, after all, pics or it didn't happen. I can't help but wonder how many hungry mouths we've fed already thanks to your support. And not just the random street kitties from my relentless Instagram stories. I plead guilty to bribing them for their affection. But so many cats and kittens in need who would be starving out there in a hostile world if not for the care of the shelter peoples. And even though a pet food donation may not seem grandiose, it's still a ton of money saved that they can use on other things like medicine or renovations, so it all balances out that way. I don't know why I'm writing this all here, I should save some of that inspirational speech for the actual donation post lol.
I hope you're taking a few rest days now that the month is ending - I am. We all need some good rest to restore our energy for what's to come. I'm gonna take some quality time with my repressed misery and I'm not sorry lol. Got any questions? I haven't done the July Q&A yet so there's your chance. That's all for now.
Comments
just listen to dogzilla - dogzilla and head-bang to neon-lights with scented candles
Ren
Sometimes we're at our best when helping others, and our worst when left to ourselves. Sometimes it's easier to love someone else than to love ourselves. It takes less work, less convincing. I used to spend time talking to people who were suicidal. I found that I could offer them some measure of help. I've been there before, where they are now. Sometimes I still am. But when I spend time talking with them, sharing with them, I'm a better version of myself. Full of hope and light, encouragement and strength. I'm not usually that person. I'm never that person when I'm alone. But for others, I can be a better version of myself. I think it's just natural for some of us to be that way. It's easier to help save someone else than to save ourselves.
