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[Esc] reality
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life update
🕑 Added 2019-09-28 00:23:02 +0000 UTCSoon I'll see my love again.
Last we saw each other, we decided it would be better (and a lot less painful) for our relationship if we didn't wait a year or longer between visits. Even though our priority is still saving for our future life together that awaits beyond the razor wire fence that is immigration red tape, things have been progressing and progressing in a way that I like.
Jack found a place to live in the town we've picked to be our forever home. Forgive me if I'm stingy with the specs, for personal security reasons I do not want to give away the exact location. It's a small and quaint - modest, if I may say so myself - townhouse apartment which we are renting until we can afford a place that's more to our liking. The location itself is quiet, pet friendly and void of other people's crotch gremlins. He moved at the beginning of the month and since he didn't take much baggage with him, we've been spending an obscene amount of time shopping online for necessities like kitchenware, bedding, household things - basically everything that a house requires, we had to hunt down across the www - and we haven't even got to furniture yet. Most of that was my job because I have significantly more stamina when it comes to shopping (because I enjoy it a lot more). But it still took a stupid amount of time. You'd think it would be easy enough to find something acceptable for every category in a reasonable price range - but you'd be wrong. It's borderline shocking how many things just don't come in plain black or at least not some offensive color or pattern scheme. And while shopping from the comfort of my bed which has seen way too much of me in the past three weeks is incredibly convenient and fun, there's the extra task of reading reviews to evaluate the quality of an item which is a lot more time consuming than touching a physical item to see if it's cheaply made or not. Regardless, this is what we've been saving up for for two years - so I want to make sure the stuff we get is worth it.
Speaking of stuff that's worth it - I am overjoyed to announce that soon my channel will get the hardware upgrades you have so anticipated! We already purchased a whole separate studio lighting kit for my filming room (the spare bedroom in our house will be my new studio! Eeeeee), the prized 3Dio Free Space Pro II, the obligatory couple of tripods and a new camera lens! I made sure the new lens is a wide aperture one so I can hopefully start using chroma key backgrounds. Through trial an error I learned that the problem was mostly the lens vignette, turning a solid color background into 50 shades of indigo, so I hope having a lens that fits the sensor will alleviate these issues and turn my green screen into a magical realm of possibilities. (Even though I love the Zeiss lens and will continue to use it.)
I'm taking all of my work stuff with me so rest assured that I won't be going on a two month hiatus. He will be working and so will I, including continuing to work on spell casting and rewards. I'm simply relocating to what I consider my real home.
Red tape and stuff.
We also hired a law firm to see us through the immigration process and tell us exactly how to do things right to maximize the chance of success. Shit just got real, y'all. I think people tend to be a lot more dismissive of your dreams and plans when they're still dreams and plans - until you're willing to shell out a good chunk of your savings for a lawyer. That means you mean business. Having professionals on our side and working on our behalf helps me feel a little more secure and dare to dream that things might work out for us within the next couple of years. Jack means the world to me and I don't want to spend more time away from him than absolutely necessary.
Needless to say, all the planning, preparing and trying to get as much done as possible before my flight (not disclosing the exact date for security reasons) is taking it out of me. I've been deliberately pushing past my limits for a long time to the point where I don't really have a tolerance for anything going wrong anymore. At first I didn't even want to say anything (and just be like: surprise! I'm in the US!) - but I have so much anxiety and pressure inside of me that I feel like I might explode any minute and I have to do something with it. Maybe writing about it will alleviate some of it or help me manage my energy. It's my first time flying by myself and there are so many hoops I have to jump through that I'm constantly terrified I might forget something or mess up something and not be able to get there. I'm sure it'll get better once I've been through the process but my self-aware, scattered, catastrophizing brain isn't doing me any favors there.
But beyond the stress and anxiety lies something I've written off as a myth, an old wives tale - simply because I've never had it: Happiness.
The other night Jack went out on the town to show me around a couple of places I might enjoy hanging out at - and I was almost brought to tears by how pretty everything looked. Granted - it was night time, and just about anything looks prettier at night - but I swear my little photographer heart skipped a beat. It looked like a place I could enjoy... That's it actually. Also I will be with Jack and I just feel safer with him. Maybe my past of being bullied everywhere I went is haunting me still, but people are less likely to harass couples or groups than they are a solitary, lost and emo looking girl. That makes me feel safe to explore and be myself without the constraint of having to avoid attracting attention in any way. And I'm really looking forward to that.
I feel like I'm going somewhere and that somewhere is a happier place where I could find peace and belonging and all the things I could never get anywhere. Eventually, once the red tape is cleared, this will be my forever home. I won't be stuck in this shit hole forever. I will have a place where I can enjoy the peace and quiet and have a cat and open the windows as much as I please and not have to fear burning lungs for a week if I fall asleep with a cracked window because some idiot smokes like a chimney all day and night. I will have the option to go places after 6PM! And most importantly - I won't be alone. Just having Jack around takes away so much baseline stress I live with every day. Being separated from the person you love is a form of pain - one you learn to tolerate and drown out as much as possible, but nonetheless a pain that gets in the way of functioning normally and being happy.
This is the first time I've been genuinely excited and looking forward to something in my life. I'm shocked I can feel this scope of emotion because I've never felt anything close to it so I figured I was just defective and my depression consumed any joy I could or should be feeling. Even when Jack visits me it doesn't come close to the satisfaction of building a life together - building something I actually want. Now I know I'm not defective or a lost cause. Genuine happiness is not something you can force. It's not something you can "create" through positive thoughts or meditate into manifestation or fake till you make it. You can't heal in the same place that's broken you. I don't know if things will get better if something changes, but I know something has to change if things are ever to get better.
Change is underway.
I keep telling myself that there will be an end to all this struggle and now that things are starting to look up, feelings of bliss and excitement and curiosity are the inevitable consequence of that. Soon I will be equipped with the things I need to create the kind of art I want and I will be with the person I want and even though it's only for a couple short months, it's the start of something so much greater.
I want to thank you for supporting me and being part of this critical change in my life. For two years it felt like nothing has been happening and now my dreams are slowly starting to unfold. And this progress is only possible because you've been here all this time, helping me save enough money for the new equipment, the law firm, the new place, the travel expenses - and I can't thank you enough for all of it.
The new Era of [Esc] reality is just beginning with me putting all my energy into higher quality productions and equipment that'll do my ideas justice.
Thank you for all you've enabled me to do in the past, the present and the future.
I will put it to good use.
⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥ ⛥
