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the beauty of new beginnings
🕑 Added 2020-04-05 22:31:47 +0000 UTCHi guys, I just wanted to pop on here and say sorry for the absence. My new video has been consuming every single nerve I have left and while I make a point of working on it every day, it's just so extravagant with all the sounds and having to synch over an hour long video, that it will probably take at least a couple more weeks to finish. I am thinking about starting a new video while I casually work on this one - one that's not quite as fancy - to not make you wait quite as long for some blessed relaxation. One that I've had in mind at the same time that I started this one was continuing my Hypnotherapist series with a hypnotherapy session for anxiety. So many people have been put on very unstable ground due to the global crisis and I feel like something to help you deal with anxiety will be needed in the months to come. Tonight I am also charging my crystals so I can start fresh with all of them and film a crystal shop roleplay aswell as an extensive video all about crystals for the mega tier. I might try that again when the moon is actually full, but in my time zone and the way my windows are facing the path of the moon is continuously pushing further into dawn before it disappears behind the ugly concrete block I have the pleasure of facing. I have to use the few hours I get every couple of months. And that's only for the moonlight batch. I have a sunlight batch, too. Do I know that I can charge crystals with incense? Yes. Do I want to sit down and individually smoke cleanse over 151 crystals? .... No. That's right, by now I have more crystals than there are OG Pokemon! Gotta catch 'em all. A crystal for every occasion. They make wonderful clinking noises that I'm going to exploit for ASMR.
Besides that, I am currently in the process of restructuring my life. I have been nonstop cleaning, organizing, decorating, working, doing witchcraft and trying my hardest to take care of myself at the same time. This has really brought it home for me just how many things I do all the time. My affinity for doing everything myself has come around to bite me. Not only do I do every single step of my video creation on my own and from scratch, from the decorating to the writing to the performing in front of the camera to the audio recording to the editing to more writing - I also cook, exercise, cast spells, make my own beauty products, my own candles, my own spiritual supplies, my own jewelry, my own photos, my own coffee (pre-ground for a moka pot but it counts ok it requires cleaning & care), I do my own laundry by hand or at the laundromat, my own readings, my own hair color & cut and on top of all of that I also research and learn a ton about topics that interest me like intermediate astrology, will my wifi router kill my plants, what kinds of things do you offer to deities, what are shadow people and why was one sitting on my mother's bed when I was alone sleeping it in, you know, the likes. (Context: growing up I only had awful beds. Like even worse than the one I have now that makes me ache all over. My mother had a big queen size fairly comfy bed so I was using hers when she was away.) I find myself staying up to pursue all these things because the day doesn't have enough hours. People in my life never understood how I could be struggling to do everything (particularly complaining about my messy apartment) but it's hard to explain it to people who don't do half of what I do. And this is not meant to sound like some virtue signaling narcissist bullshit like "I do everything therefore I'm superior!" - I just don't like being met with confusion and skepticism by people who go to work, have a set off-work time and a set weekend, come home, exercise, shower, eat, watch a movie and go to bed. It just seems hard for people who have never done it to comprehend that I can build a video set for 6 hours straight, then do hair & makeup for at least another hour, then try to perform for a video for 3 hours until I get a decent clip, then have to literally put everything back where it was while I'm already beat from doing things nonstop, all while cooking dinner, taking my makeup off and trying to unwind so I can spend 3 hours with my husband before we go to bed. And that's merely the days that I'm functional and not processing trauma and dissociating to high hell. Anyways, I'm not even lamenting the fact that people don't think making videos is real work, just the relationship rifts that arise between me and people who hold me to their standards and tell me that just because they manage to do something, it should be a breeze for me, too. I am turning this around for myself and loving it, but I must admit the lingering fear in my mind is being told "oh, finally, you've come around to being who I told you you should have been 10 years ago". I know it's just a shadow of my past and I also know I rarely miss an opportunity to talk about it because I enjoy discussing my psychological revelations about how my childhood shaped me into who I am. Don't be fooled into thinking I must be excusing my problems instead of working to remedy them - I am very much ready to leave all this behind me. And that is precisely the reason why I must understand everything that happened so that every bit of information can help me undo what's been done to me. The thing I still struggle with is just that doing these things and having my life together somehow makes me feel like "they won." Like their constant chastising, conditional approval and threats and guilt tactics worked and I finally caved and submitted to their will. This teaches me a little something about my values. Like that I value doing my thing and not being controlled by anyone, even at the expense of my own peace of mind. I feel like if I don't defend my standpoint, no one will. For years I've been the only one fighting for me and no one even knew. I am very much driven to make it happen now - like I said, I stay up to do these things. But the thing I could never get through to people was that I have to decide that for myself. I happen to have been raised with little to no autonomy and freedom so I've been subconsciously fighting to the death just to preserve what little autonomy I had. I went so far as to put my growth on hold just to be able to live on my own terms. And if I were to guess, I'd say I've developed a fair number of psychosomatic symptoms for that reason, too.
Just earlier today I went for a walk and sporadically felt sick to my stomach and like I wanted to collapse. Just suddenly drained for no apparent reason and wanting to curl up and die. But I kept a watchful eye on this sensation and what I found was that the common denominator for every single time I felt like dying... Was that people were around. I'm pretty sure part of me is just so sensitive to other people's thoughts and has been scarred by fool's judgement so badly that now everytime there are people in my general vicinity who could see me, she's crying for help and wanting to escape this dangerous situation... To avoid being bullied again. I catch myself bracing myself and pretending to read something on my phone so they'll ignore me, especially when it's the age group of people who tormented me back in the day. I hide behind my goth appearance like waving a decoy in front of their faces so they'll judge me for something other than just who I am. It helps a lot to have them think I'm like this on purpose and not cursed since birth. You wouldn't think it would make such a difference but it does. I can feel their assumptions instantly jumping to "oh she's goth that's why she's creepy" and "oh she probably worships Satan that's why she's creepy" instead of leaving them with this undefinable impression of "what's wrong with her, she's so creepy" that usually distresses them more because they have nothing to explain my aura away with and causes them to treat me poorly. This is something I so badly want to overcome but I don't know how because it's not like I can blend in even wearing sheep's clothing. People always responded this way to me but they are more likely to shut their mouths when I dress like poison. If you're into astrology, I have Uranus in my first house conjunct Neptune. Gives me that striking effect as soon as I enter a room - like all eyes are on me but not in a good way - and also makes people project their own shadow onto me. The ultimate scapegoat placement. It's like (mainstream) people are uncomfortable with themselves when I'm around. I am hopeful it'll get better once I move to a country where people aren't as easily jarred by people who "stand out".
This is what's been on my mind lately and I will share some snapshots of my apartment when I'm done decorating. Despite the crisis I am quite optimistic and calmer than usual. My #1 goal in cleaning my life out, after all, is to live by my intuition - and my intuition is telling me I will be fine. Even though I can feel the world and feel everyone else's panic and anxiety, I know it's not mine and that enables me to be a calm and grounding force for everyone else. It took me a while to figure this out as I have been misled by therapists to believe everything I feel is in fact mine. It's not. I'm just tuned into the collective and that's why I feel all kinds of things that don't make sense and feel more at peace and authentic at night when almost everyone sleeps. Learning to distinguish between within and without is a journey but I'm overjoyed to have finally recognized this truth in me. Nay, realizing what's without is helping me see more clearly what's within! A little late to the party but I am finally learning boundaries and who I am as a person after a lifetime of believing others in their judgement of me and just becoming whatever anyone needed to keep the peace. It's still scary to be sharing such very personal things but it's true what they say - the right people finding you depends on your ability to be as authentic as possible. I, for one, no longer want to be held back... To feel like I can't be myself in my own space. Though I've rightfully kept a distance from almost everyone as a result of what I had to go through, I found that it's rather restrictive and painful to always walk on eggshells and live like the underdog in my own life. No one - literally no one - needs more conflict and more fighting and more aggression and panic in this kind of world we live in. We are facing much bigger problems than being petty to one another and, likewise, being terrified of one another. And I've decided that's not the kind of life I want to create.
The kind of life I want to create is one of magic and beauty and wisdom and peace. Of truth and open-mindedness. There's no room on this Earth for more fear and hate. Literally none. More than just making my surroundings beautiful, I want to hold a beautiful space for like-minded people. The way things are now we've got nothing to lose. No one is better off if we keep separating ourselves from everyone for fear of being hurt the way we were. I don't mean to project but realistically speaking, if you feel drawn to me and my content, you also tend to keep people at an arm's length and question people's intentions. Maybe you feel like everyone is out to get you or that people would hate you if you had the audacity to be yourself around them. But look at us. We're all in the same boat. Feeling the same way, having the same concerns and coping with the same shit we happened to be born into. If this applies to you, it's important now more than ever that you reach out to someone. And never has it been less likely that someone would treat you the way you expect. You don't have to do the impossible, but I feel like something inside you is aching to not be quite so closed off anymore. Let's come together in our minds and our shared interests. Share something about yourself - something that actually matters to you. Be safe, of course, but I don't think anyone here is looking to harm you. I know I'm not. Quite the opposite. This is me inviting you to share yourself on my page. You can feel free to do the same under my comments. Let my videos be a space of peace and freedom and community - don't let the random blabbering of people who lack appreciation drown out the warmth and kindness it could be. We are the community. We should be able to make our thoughts heard at the very least :) Never thought these words would come out of my mouth but I feel an incredibly strong calling here to cultivate what I want the world to be. And I'm inviting you to do the same. It takes some practice and some getting used to but I'll go first. By no longer being a stranger in my own space, a phantom, a shadow. By putting out there what I want to grow and bloom. I've started commenting on people's pages which I almost never do but that's going to change. My fear of rejection and ridicule has made me so paranoid to be open about what I love and what inspires me but I realized that if I don't say anything, they will never know. These wonderful people who influence me in ways they could never comprehend would never know just how much good they've done and, like me, might end up thinking they're worth less than they are because the people who appreciate them are silent. In case this needs clarification I'm not asking you to shower me with compliments lol. I am asking you to post those messages that you've typed out and then deleted. For everyone. I'm doing it. Whenever you feel like you want to share something or say something, do it. Even if you think you'll sound stupid or creepy or desperate. Of course don't spam and stalk like, follow proper etiquette. Just say what's on your mind when you feel like it. Your voice matters - maybe not to politicians but to people. Imagine how much more positive the world would be tomorrow if we all said something nice to someone, something true, something authentic - words we would normally swallow. Never think that you're unworthy because one kind message can change someone's whole day even if it comes from a total stranger. This is the power we have in this storm we're facing. The power to be kind to each other. To lift each other up. We can be the difference. If you take away anything from this post, let it be this.
I'm going to tend to yet more important work now that I've cried and rubbed all my half-assed makeup off for the day. I hope this has inspired you. Talk to you soon in my monthly tier spam session
Comments
Jean-François Bédard
hahaha.. I think you're stuck in a ''I gotta do better next time'' kind of mind set for your videos XD you already did VERY much near perfection multiple times.. thats for say that now, it will takes alot of effort staying at this degree of perfection.. Like you said, you can make some ''less fancy'' videos to Vent and take it easy sometimes ^^
Andrew
Your vision for life is beautiful. Many things said here hit me right in the feels. "To feel like I can't be myself in my own space" hits home in particular. I often feel like the only time I am 100% authentic is when I am totally alone. Thank you for continuing to get me thinking about the things that really matter. You are an inspiration.
