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[Esc] reality
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𝕾𝖚𝖎𝖈𝖎𝖉𝖊 𝕮𝖎𝖙𝖞
🕑 Added 2020-12-02 16:05:31 +0000 UTC
Normally, I would format my behind the scenes posts differently - but when I try to make an image post, the image does not show up.
I didn't mean to be absent. But circumstances right now have it so that I am extraordinarily busy in the real world... But trust - that I still make time to make awesome videos for you. They just got pushed into December instead of end of November like I had planned.
Today is the first morning (afternoon for the rest of the country - you know how it goes) that I don't have any demands to fulfill (except some overdue Patreon work) since the end of my vacation in November. I didn't even get a chance to wish you happy holidays and nothing! So I hope you did have a pleasant or at least not detrimental start to the holiday season and I hope you're staying safe and taking care of your health.
My vacation was lovely and also a bit crazy. I had Jack visit me and two days before he arrived the government decided to enforce a partial lockdown... again... for the entire month = the entire duration of his stay.
Even though we couldn't go to bars and restaurants (and if you know me you know that's one of my favorite things in the world) - I'll take a lockdown with him over eating out without him any day. We spent most of the time going on walks, shopping and making fancy cocktails at home. You know you've found the one when everyday mundane things are fun and entertaining just as long as you're together. We even branched out this time and had an art date - this is the painting he made for me
It was an experience, painting with someone who isn't artistically inclined. All my friends are super creative and I felt bad because he didn't seem to be having as much fun as I was. He said it was ok, though. Mine is incomplete...
🧿 In the middle of our vacation we received news that I was given a visa interview this month so I've been scrambling preparing for that. 🧿 Just completed my medical yesterday. Don't know exactly if I passed or not but I do know I don't have gonorrhea. The doctor said I'm all caught up on vaccines which is a surprise because I don't have my vaccination records from childhood - in Germany they don't keep databases of your immunizations, they just give you a tiny yellow booklet that is entirely too easy to lose (I almost lost my recent one inside the big envelope with all the other documents!) - and I learned that I do not need glasses. Cool, cool. I can see.
I'm just so very glad I made it as it was a hell of a day... A journey of trials and tribulations. If you don't know, for a visa process, the medical has to be conducted by a panel physician of which there are about 5 in the country. The closest one to where I live is in Munich, but that one stopped doing medicals since October this year. The next closest one is in Frankfurt which is a 4 hour commute by train. I did all the anxiety inducing adulting stuff and made an appointment and planned a trip with plenty of time scheduled in for possible delays. I was on the very first train in that direction that day. Was supposed to arrive in Frankfurt at 8:04AM. Then we barely rolled out of Regensburg station and suddenly stopped. I already sensed what had happened, but was telling myself maybe it was something minor that won't take long to clear like an animal on the tracks or something technical. But tarot had already forewarned me. Every time I did a reading about my medical and visa interview, the first card that appeared was death. After about 20 minutes, the train conductor came through to tell us the "news".
[TW: suicide, not graphic]
Unfortunately, that day was the day someone decided it was a good day to end it and the middle of the train tracks was a good place to do so. That's what I had planned ahead for. It's not an uncommon occurrence where I'm from. I hear about people committing suicide on these tracks fairly frequently and knowing this city like only a long term resident can know it, it doesn't surprise me.
To be honest, suicide doesn't faze me. It doesn't faze me because I have deep reaching empathy for it. I've been there, I know what it takes to want to opt out of life. It doesn't shock me, I absolutely understand. Why the tracks? Why not jump off a bridge into one of the two rivers running through this city? That may vary by the individual. Maybe it's the certainty of death upon impact - though there is a modest chance of survival, it is statistically more lethal than a soft, pillowy body of water you could potentially be rescued out of before you freeze. Maybe it's a statement. Maybe it's a desire to impact the lives of others, impact the world in a way it can't ignore you - to make a difference in a city that tells you you don't matter, have never mattered and will never matter.
The impact has been made. One of the three passengers on that train had to be treated for shock. The other two merely almost missed important appointments. My travel buddy that day was a hardened middle aged man working in psychiatry, stereotypical brash and opinionated Bavarian kinda guy. We were both in a rush to get to Frankfurt. The train company ended up putting us in a taxi to Nuremberg for our connecting train. It had started snowing while we were stuck on a stranded train for two hours and there were tons of accidents on the road. Traffic could have been smoother but our driver was an absolute hero, cutting through traffic to get us to the station just in time. We ended up making it with 8 minutes until our train. I helped my buddy carry his luggage and bought us waters. We've been stuck together for a few hours. I figured if I was thirsty, he was thirsty. That's how death affected me that day. Transforming a destructive impact into a compassionate one. Be kind to people when you can, they don't expect it. But it makes a difference in a city that tells you you don't matter, have never mattered and will never matter. That tells you you are alone and no one gives a shit about you and your pathetic little "problems". The train conductor and fire brigade gave at least a little bit of a shit about us, complete strangers. Enough to help us get to where we needed to be. It's only human nature to care about those around us. It's only human nature to do what we can to help. To "pay forward" the kindness people show us.
[no more suicide after this point]
To be honest, I got really lucky with my planning. Had I not been on the very first train that day, I wouldn't have gotten very far out of Regensburg for several hours and definitely wouldn't have made it. Even though I was 20 minutes late, it all worked out fine and I'm glad that's over and done with. I was the 8th patient to be examined for a US visa that day.
It was an undeniably stressful day to navigate but I learned that I can perform under pressure (I have the coping mechanisms to endure a great bit of stress) and I probably have what it takes to survive in this world. I just crash when I'm back home. Nothing a good 16 hours of sleep can't fix.
My outlook has changed a lot, on myself and the future. I've been through a period of healing and I'm starting a new chapter in life. Gave up self-destructive coping mechanisms in favor of self-love and self-respect. Integrated a lot of things I had suppressed. And started rewriting the story in my head from "everything is shit and I am overwhelmed" to "I have what it takes to create the life I want". In recent readings, tarot has been showing me the fool time and time again. A new beginning, new chapter, new journey. Along with abundance, pleasure and virtue - the light at the end of the tunnel. Death, the wheel - a personal transformation. I'm standing in that light that I didn't believe existed for me. This is the 0, the fool, the complete reset of a karmic cycle. Foretold by the black butterfly on my door. Past the gate, steadfast in realm of possibility. Past the point of no return.
With this you are pretty much caught up on my journey. I'm pretty relieved to be able to take it a little easier now that I cleared the first step. To be able to get back to creating art in peace. I've received so much support from all of you and I'm so thankful for your kindness and appreciation of my craft. Lately I couldn't help but notice the trend of positive feedback and support. I suppose this is another level of healing taking place in my life, but one I have little control over. We've come a long way from "why don't you make these videos anymore?!?!" and "I liked you better when you made those videos!!!" to "your videos are art" and "your videos have helped me so much" and I couldn't ask for anything better. It's so fulfilling to know that what I intrinsically want to be doing is received so well. Thank you. Thank you for enabling me to throw money at things like travel expenses and hardware to be able to turn my dreams into reality. Thank you for enabling me to move to where I want to be in life. Thank you for paying my rent. My grocery bill. My incense hoarding. You know I'm not one to kiss my followers' asses but honestly, you are everything. You make a difference in a world that tells you you don't matter, have never mattered and will never matter. But it lies. Everything you do matters and everything you do for me is priceless. Thank you.
Cheers to a prosperous new beginning! ✨
Comments
I have also experienced the situation in which someone jumped in front of the train I was on. It was awful. 😞
Joshua M. Murphy
"in a world that tells you you don't matter, have never mattered and will never matter. But it lies." ... I cannot even begin to express how proud I am to read the last 3 words of that. All of our support likely would've never been able to find its way where it could do the little good it can if it wasn't for *yours*, even before you had found your way in giving it. You've re-branded, re-organized your tone and goals for your channel, and re-centered your own goals for your personal life along the way... but even early on, when you were more prone to pandering to a crowd against your own happiness at times... you went out of your way to produce something positive for the lot of us over on this side of the screen. Even *before* you were starting to find a way to be happy with your creations, you brought a hint of life and a hint of hope forward in a world that all too often does everything it can to hide that. As you've found strength within yourself in the years since that, you've also went out of your way to share your journey down that path, and have brought even more light, and hope, and joy to others along the way. Some people only ever find a way to have an impact in this world in their darkest moments, such as those you've noted. You've managed it through some of your strongest, and for that... thank you. Thank you for taking the chances of sharing that journey with us, despite the risks you take in doing so.
