BabaVader
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Chapter 196 I Am
🕑 Added 2022-05-01 20:45:11 +0000 UTCAuthor's note:
Hey there!
This chapter almost made me cry. Read at your own risk! Also, if you understand it, congratulations. You might be insane. I hope it doesn't come across as superficially philosophical and has sufficient depth but my brain is kinda fried right now so I'm not gonna keep working on it.
Enjoy!
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The eldritch being had left me alone. It was still there, as was everything else in this place, but there was no longer any direct communication. I had to figure out how to return to my real body or else I might be stuck here. It had not lied. Of that, I was sure. After all, the name it resembled the closest was Truth. How long I had, I was not sure. For now, the best I could do was figure out where here actually was.
The Empty had always stuck in the back of my mind. It was the place I had travelled between my two lives. There was not much intention behind that action at least as far as I could tell. My soul keeping most of what made me I had been a coincidence. Or maybe there was more to it.
The mind spiders sat on my nest. These small beings were somehow part of my soul. Right now they were bigger than my Core but that was only a matter of perspective. Right now, I was bigger. And right now, we were the same size. Size, a concept tied intrinsically to space, did not exist where there was no space. I tried to wrap my head around it for a moment before I realized I did not have one of those right now. Simply accept it.
At least time was a thing. In some way, the souls of everyone being a part of this place forced time to exist. They were connected to reality where it happened, after all. That meant experiences from the other side could influence here. Was that why I had turned into an owl? In my past life, I had heard from my grandfather how that would be the future. Would others that believed in heaven go there? Would those who believed in Karma be reborn according to their actions?
A spider pulled on a purple thread and a high pitched sound filled my being. I shook myself. Feathers rustled. Fingers clenched.
Wait, fingers?
I looked down. My eyes were betraying me. There was a white gown covering a body. A human body. A frail girl. Some might call her a teenager which would not be wrong but I knew they would be off in their guesses. This body was 19 years old. It was… NO! It was NOT! It had been. My…
I shuddered. Feathers rustled and I spun my head a half-turn. Wings spread in agitation and my tongue clacked in my beak. Yes! This was me. This was my body. This one I could move.
Another spider put a claw on a thread. My eyes widened in panic.
Clang.
Weak. I barely even felt the nails digging into my fingers. Tears. No! I tried to shake my head. It barely moved. Hands rose without strength. Before they made it halfway, I half-turned my head again.
A deep breath. Talons flexed on solid wood. They held me in place. My eyes saw every detail of the nest. The sticks woven from warped threads. The purple string covering everything. The white sheets encasing the mattress.
I lay on my back. My head was too weak to lift. I could no longer turn it. A large pillow kept it up and my view away from the hospital ceiling. A hand touched mine. Warmth. Love. Pain. Oh so painful. Why would you not just give me up, mother? I was long gone.
The hand left mine and fingers moved to hold my cheek. My head was shifted and I saw her. My mother. My mum. The red skin of an American Native. A Blackfoot. My mother always honoured the traditions even with my white father pulling her back to England. Aiyana, her name, meant ‘eternal blossom’ and it showed. Even in her mid-fifties, she was a beauty. I had inherited dad’s white skin and yet was always welcome at her home. The two times I could remember. One, when I was eight and not yet bedridden from sickness. And the second when it had seemed like my cancer was defeated. That was my only truly happy memory. The only time I enjoyed this wretched body.
Tears were in my mum’s eyes. She held my face in both hands and gently kissed my forehead.
“I love you, Catori”, she said, “Always remember that.”
I remember the tears I cried that day. The doctor gave me three more months and an option. I could try to fight until the last day or move into a hospice to get the most out of my remaining time. My dad could not be there because of work. I remember mum telling me he collapsed in tears when he heard. There was nothing left to do. I had a chance less than winning the lottery. I still tried. Maybe I should have taken the hospice for those last three months. It was too late to regret.
The memory faded. I was back in my nest. My human body lay there, tears running down onto the purple string. I sat up. There was no reason for me to be weak here no matter the body. It was not real. But I remembered and it was difficult.
Claws touched my gown and skin. I looked up. The mind spiders had gotten close and were clumped up in worry. The corners of my mouth pulled up. Teeth showed. Muscles moved up more skin from below my chin. More of them pulled at the corners of my eyes. The inside corners lowered a little, the outside ones rose. I felt my skin crease. Was I… smiling? A hand touched the closest mind spider and started petting it. That broke the dam and the transparent critters were crawling all over me. Their feet pulled feathers out of my skin and my bones shifted. My nose rose higher and my mouth narrowed into a point. My eyes turned round and wide. One ear shifted up, the other down. Only a tiny bit. My fingers shrank and then grew once more into impressive feathers. My toes turned into talons. I was myself again. My new self.
I breathed in deeply. There was no air but there was vis, flux and warp. The magic flowed into my soul as I invited it in. I cackled. My nest grew to new dimensions. Not the ones an interior decorator would name that. Dimensions in the mathematical sense. It was incredibly difficult to wrap my soul around it but then I realized I did not have to. It was all part of me. Nothing here was strange. The way I looked right to see the back of my head and left to see the bottom of my human foot. All of it was normal. It had to be. Otherwise, who was I?
I was Fio. Fio Catori. Yes. That was my name. I was an owl. And I was a human. I was an explorer of the unknown. The inconceivable truth. I would know. And I had my friends. Safrah. Vivi. Nymph. Alex. Roguk. Luk. Captain Dor. Les Adena. Brilda and Foxy. They were there for me. I would be there for them.
I blinked.
“What just happened?”, I asked.
“You know”, Truth answered.
“I never died?”
“No, you died.”
“But I remember. Everything. Ginny from primary. How I collapsed in PE. Then the first diagnosis. The fucking chemo. Everything!”
“But your body passed on.”
“Who the hell needs a body? Do you have one?”
“… fair.”
“My body died. I did not die. Catori was always me. I was just too scared to remember.”
“I do not believe you should blame yourself, Friend.”
“I won’t. But I will not forget, either. I am Fio. And I am Catori.”
“Very well then, Friend. Fio Catori. You Are.”
“I Am.”
I looked up at it. Truth was there, observing me. Its eye had taken on a less distracting shape.
“You don’t need to make your presence easier on me”, I said.
“I am not. You are.”
I blinked. Truly, or rather, truthfully, Truth was there as I wanted to see it. Him. I wanted to see him as a friend.
“Thank you.”
The eye nodded.
“You are welcome.”
“I suppose it’s time to go.”
“You will never leave.”
“I know. But I must return to my body. My other friends are waiting for me, Friend”
The eye smirked. Then it disappeared. I would see it again. Someday. For now, it was time to leave.
That ended up to be a rather simple idea. There was a very obvious way I had gone here the last time and I could use it to leave. My inner gate. It should lead straight to my real body.
I made sure to have my owl body be what I fully thought of. My image shifted and I looked down with satisfaction. I took a step and stood upside down. Then the Empty shifted and I was back to upside up. My inner gate was before me. Behind it sat my human body. It leaned on the walls of my nest and smiled at me. Mind spiders crawled over me and one sat in my lap receiving pets.
“I will never forget me again”, I said.
“I know”, I answered.
Then, I spread my wings and took off. Into my inner gate. My Beast Core was secured where it should be. In my new body. My real body. As I slipped back into existence, one thought dominated my mind.
“I Am!”
Comments
David Brims
That was pretty awesome!
