i107760
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DAY08.SCENE03 & DAY08.SCENE04
🕑 Added 2022-02-15 02:23:35 +0000 UTCOnce again, this was a big one (note: I decided to split this up into two scenes after writing this dev blog) with many things happening on two fronts—first, between the boy and Sarah, and secondly, between the boy and girl.
On the first front, I hope the scene with Sarah was exciting. I tried to show both the excitement of new love between two youths, the eagerness as well as the hesitation that they'll naturally feel.I don't want to move too fast with the sexual progression between the two, and I think I'm currently on a good pace—they've already known each other for a long time, they're young and excited, so something was bound to happen. I hope the current pace is enjoyable and believable.
On the second front, I struggled even more than on the first front. I wanted to introduce a scene where I showed the girl reflecting on the past and the relationship between the boy and girl, not only telling you about it.I decided to do this through the reading of an essay written by the girl. It was quite hard to make this (hopefully) somewhat enjoyable to read and coherent—it couldn't be too short because then the emotional bit would feel out of place, in my opinion. It also can't be too long, of course, so I had to somehow summarize while at the same time keeping the prose interesting and still keep it coherent.
I'm not sure how successful I have been. I'll need to come back to this scene later, and give it another read; I've already done a lot of editing (and I truly mean a lot) to arrive at its current state, if it doesn't work out in the end, that'd be pretty sad since I'd have wasted so much time.
The conversation between the boy and girl is a bit of a rehash of an earlier conversation; this again, is intentional, because I believe it's normal for the boy to have some doubts and also for the girl to still feel conflicted and upset about her relationship with the landlords.I hope the conversation is still interesting/emotionally moving despite having some similarity to a previous scene.
These two scenes now complete the rest of the content for the next update, v0.9.8, the update will be posted in a couple of days. Look forward to it!
Comments
That's fair feedback. I'm definitely not the best at writing scenes like this, I appreciate your thoughts. I'll go through the scene with Sarah and try to improve it somewhat before the next update is released! Thanks a lot for the detailed feedback and examples of what you meant. And of course, I'm not offended, instead, I'm happy to get feedback like this.
RexArmand
I liked the scene 4, it`s nice to see that they are just regular friends from time to time with absolutely no sexual tension (though it`s the sexy things I like the most:P) it makes the story more believable and "real" that it`s not there all the time. It also makes the times the sexual tension is there more special and interesting when it`s not the all consuming part of every time they meet. The sexy scenes with Sarah could be more interesting in my opinion. I personally like scenes that are more fleshed out, describing expressions, thoughts, descriptive feeling of the sensations going through MC`s mind etc. An excample is: She starts stroking it slowly, getting used to it. I put my hands down on the bed behind me, lean back, and enjoy the feeling of her soft hand on my shaft. It would in my opinion be better if it was more descriptive and maybe less "factual" "She starts stroking it, slowly. Sarah`s eyes are wide open, fixed on my hard penis and the job she`s doing. I feel I`m getting more and more aroused as I look at Sarahs incredibly cute face being mesmerized by what she`s doing. I see Sarah licking her lips as a small droplet of precum runs down my penis and down to her soft hands. Am I doing OK? She asks. .. . . . . The addition I wrote would ofcourse need a lot of work, it`s just to describe what I mean. Also, english is far from my native language :) I mean in no way to offend you, and hope you dont take my feedback bad in any way. I think you are great at storytelling and love the story as I`ve said many times before, this is the first time I think I could actually give some constructive critisism to you. Hope you are not offended and that you keep up the good work! I`m looking forward to future updates! :)
