Genevieve King
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What if you think they're lying?
🕑 Added 2023-09-17 13:18:56 +0000 UTCI speak with a lot of people who, for some reason or another, think they’re being lied to. What do we do when we’ve got a sneaking suspicion, but don’t know how / if to bring it up?
Today, I’ll offer some questions that I ask myself in this situation. It won’t be comprehensive, and you’ll know better than me what could work for you. But if you ever wonder whether you’re getting the whole truth, maybe this can be a place to start.
I’ll first lay out the kinds of things that I put under the umbrella of lying.
- Purposefully saying something false, in part or in whole
- Purposefully misleading someone, even if technically not saying anything false
- Omitting or withholding relevant info (except in some agreements, like “don’t ask don’t tell”)
- Knowingly minimizing details / downplaying expectations
- Knowingly exaggerating details / overstating expectations
- Denial / lying to self
I also don’t use a broad brush to moralize lying, because the intent, impact, power dynamics and consequences can all vary. (e.g. If you tell your boss that you’re on your way to work, but you haven’t left the house yet, that’s very different from telling your partner you didn’t have sex with someone else, but you did). I try to be wary of absolutism on this topic, because it’s so context dependent.
If I get the sense they’re lying in any way, I consider these questions:
1. What’s setting off this feeling?
Are there actions, inactions, patterns, or dots that just don’t connect? Do I know this person well enough to understand how they specifically communicate?
It’s important to also think about how neurodivergence, disability, language barriers or cultural differences could play a role here. If an autistic person doesn’t make eye contact, that could be misunderstood as shame. If a person is from a culture where shaking their head means “yes”, it could be misread as a “no” by someone else.
As well, our gut feelings aren’t immune to stereotypes or bias. It can be easy to mistake internalized bigotry for someone giving you “bad vibes”. This isn’t to discount legitimately sketchy things we see, it’s more to explore the lens with which we’re viewing it.
2. What’s their (and our) history with trust and communication?
Are we newly dating and I’ve already suspected this before? Are they a close friend for years that I’ve only trusted until now? Or maybe they’ve always been real with me, but I know they’ve lied to other people. What is their track record, with me and in general?
3. What’s my own history with dishonest relationships?
If a lot of people have betrayed me, my brain is going to scan for clues that it’s happening again. That’s fair, but it can also mean that even the most reliable person is hard for me to trust. I want to ask how much of my reaction might be rooted in past experiences, vs. present day evidence from this person.
4. What might they stand to gain (or what consequences might they avoid) from lying?
The higher the stakes, the more tempting it could be to lie. It’s not that a high-risk situation guarantees a lie, it might just be tougher for them to say hard truths. Or, even if they are being honest, is it harder to believe them because we know how much they could lose?
5. Might they feel unsafe to be honest?
Do I have power over them in some way, so their job or housing or social safety net could be in jeopardy if they piss me off? Or maybe it’s nothing so extreme, but I’ve still lashed out or punished them in the past. Is it possible that I’ve made it harder for them to tell me the truth?
I also want to consider if they have a history of trauma which might make them fear backlash for sharing unpleasant news or admitting a mistake.
6. What are the pros and cons of bringing it up vs. not?
What do I stand to gain or lose from telling them my suspicions? Might the accusation damage the relationship, or could silence similarly cause problems? Would they want me to bring it up, or would they even be upset that I didn’t voice my concerns sooner?
Even if I can’t know the truth for sure, might their reaction to my questions tell me everything I need to know? If my concerns are well-founded, could talking about it reveal important details (like around sexual health/safety, and how that might impact a larger polycule)? Or maybe this person is, in reality, not close enough to warrant putting in the effort.
7. If I decide to not bring it up, what would I want to do, moving forward?
Depending on the type of lie, I might just keep an eye on that person, put them at arm’s length or see myself out altogether. Other times, I may reserve judgment unless it becomes a pattern, and then bring it up on the 2nd or 3rd instance. It all comes back down to who it is, and how much it matters to me.
8. If we do talk, and it turns out they were telling the truth (or what they believed to be true) do we want to explore why I misunderstood?
The answer could be as simple as crossed wires, or an anxious projection of fear onto the situation. But it could also be that we had unclear definitions of the truth, maybe a grey area of what we call cheating, or some other expectation that was broken, albeit not on purpose.
It’s unfortunately common, especially in non-monogamy, for people to act in good faith and accidentally do something that feels like betrayal. This could be a sign to clarify agreements, to hopefully avoid this from happening again. (If we get on the same page, but it still happens again, then I might ask if they’re feigning ignorance.)
9. If we talk, and it turns out they did lie, how much do I want to weigh intent?
Harm is harm. When I’m in a close relationship with someone, do I also factor in what they were trying to do, even if it blew up in their face? (e.g. did they downplay how much they love a new partner because they “didn’t want to hurt me”? It’s still shitty for someone to mislead me on purpose, but if they agree to be more transparent in the future, maybe I give them grace for a failed attempt to make me feel safer.)
Alternatively, if they have a history of being selfish, careless or reckless, then how much does their good intention really mean this time? (Of course, if their intent was just to save their ass and get away with something, then even a minor lie could be a dealbreaker for me.)
10. If we talk, and it turns out they did lie, do we work to rebuild trust?
If it’s too big of a lie, or I’m just burnt out, maybe I walk away. Since my own go-to move was cutting and running at the first sign of danger though, I want to be thoughtful about it. Some relationships are worth mending (if they also seem committed to mending it).
In that case, can we collaborate on what might rebuild trust? Is it just time passing without more betrayal? Are there ways they can show they take seriously my need for transparency and proactivity? Do I also need to build their trust in me, to receive unpopular truths without attacking or punishing them? This can be an ongoing conversation, with check-ins along the way. Trust takes time to build, and can’t be rushed.
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Anyway, I hope this can be helpful. Let me know your thoughts, and if there’s anything else I could add to this list.
With love,
Morgan
Comments
Suzie Baer
This was great. I've always felt honesty is a cornerstone of any relationship. I like the nuance here, it's rarely so cut and dry. I think in the past when I've taken into account other factors, similar to what you're saying here, a part of me felt like I might be betraying my belief in the importance of honesty. And maybe I have, this is a great check-in on the topic.
