Genevieve King
patreon
Case Study: He gave me the creeps... (Spotting a subtle boundary pusher)
🕑 Added 2023-10-01 10:00:00 +0000 UTCGood morning!
I hope you're having a lovely day and a lovely weekend. Today, I'm offering a case study on subtle boundary pushing. Basically, I met a person in my mutual friend circles who seemed nice, but then gradually gave me the creeps, and I was the only one who saw it.
Most of us are pretty good at spotting overtly manipulative or unsafe people, but the quieter and softer ones can be easy to miss. And if we realize we don't trust someone, but our friends still do, how do we navigate that?
This is just my experience, of course, and your approach or personal style will probably vary. The stakes and appropriate responses will vary too, depending on your unique case. But if you relate, then I hope my story can be of service.
And just a reminder to please keep these details on Patreon. I only feel safe to share my personal examples to this contained audience.
Timecode:
- 0.00 Intro
- 01.30 The slow realization a mutual friend isn't trustworthy (to me)
- 06.40 Confronting them and drawing a line
- 09.30 What is ok to share with friends? And what is ok to ask of them?
- 11.30 Outro
Captions auto generated by Patreon; Transcript attached at the bottom of this post via Otter AI
Warmly,
Morgan
Comments
Morgan
sure, everyone has their own style, and I usually go with varying levels of indirect or softer declines at first too. when that fails to land, I usually do get more direct, but that doesn't have to be blunt. My directness with this guy was a firm "stop talking to me", but directness with another person can be like "you're great, and I'd love this type of friendship with you, I just don't really want ____" etc. Kind delivery, validation, compassion can all be wrapped up in direct communication too.
Corinne
Thank you for this, it was SO validating for experiences I’ve had in poly dating and relating! One nuance I’d love more guidance or anecdotes on (if this is something you’ve experienced) is when you get that 2% uncomfortable feeling after 1 or 2 actual dates with a new person. Like, 98% of the day was genuinely fun! We vibed! But I didn’t like these little X and Y boundary pushing things that they did…and it’s making me not interested in another date. A flat out “I’m not interested” feels out of context for the mostly genuinely fun date…but softer and continued declines of future plans get pushed against and require my emotional energy for longer. Maybe this is just a “don’t be afraid to protect yourself even if it feels awkward” thing haha but I’d love your thoughts on this if you have em!
Jordan Kerbis
Speaking as a therapist, I have met enough other clinicians who are competent professionals and ALSO have unhealthy personal lives/relationships (sometimes egregiously so) to find this, sadly, not too surprising. There is definitely a cognitive dissonance to, for example, shadow someone in an individual counseling session or co-facilitate a therapy group, and see them do their job well, and then to know them personally enough to know about their current relationships/relationship history, and see them doing things like the person you describe in your anecdote. It's harder to see things when you are in them yourself. At the same time, it's his job to, if ethical in his clinical work and personal life, hold himself to a higher standard when it comes to what we owe each other and treating other people with respect and decency. Precisely because people will give a therapist more benefit of the doubt. That is a responsibility to the public and to the people we personally care about.
