Genevieve King
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When only two of us are Restructuring…
🕑 Added 2024-02-25 11:20:38 +0000 UTCIt can be really tough to know what to do when only two people in a group are changing their relationship. If they start sleeping together, or need space from each other, or want to end just one part of their friendship, how could those changes ripple out to the rest of the group?
I’ll focus mainly on amicable ( or at least respectful ) changes today, where everyone involved feels invested in maintaining the group dynamic, too. ( Unfortunately, since good faith communication tools aren’t so useful during hostile changes, abuses of power, if anyone is trying to hurt or control other people, etc., today’s resource won’t apply to scenarios like that. In those cases, my questions are more about safety, damage control, access to professional support, etc. ❤️ )
I will offer 10 questions for self reflection ( or duo / group discussion, if that feels like the move ) which can hopefully lead to useful conversations. As always, please only take what feels relevant, and leave the rest. 🙏
- What is the nature of, and intended goal of, this change?
- What are the risks and potential rewards of this change?
- What spaces, events and mutual friends or partners does the pair have in common?
- Are any other members of the group directly involved in the change ( whether they’re part of the reason for it, or would need to be part of the practical application of it, etc. ) ? ( e.g. If a duo wants to have a child, and one of them is also co-parenting with a mutual friend, how might that co-parent’s role or responsibilities change with the growth of this extended family? )
- Are any members of the group impacted more than others by the change? ( e.g. If a duo wants to start hooking up, but their exes are also mutual friends, could that hit their exes more than other mutuals? Could their exes’ roles as both former partners and current friends create a more complex reaction? )
- What power asymmetries exist between the duo, or between a member of the duo and the rest of the group? Even if no one thinks power would ever be misused, can it at least be named? Can any fears or worst case scenarios be explored while they’re still just hypothetical? ( e.g. If one person hosts events in their home, and wants to take distance from a friend, does that mean the friend isn’t invited to events anymore? If yes, could mutual friends also feel sad about that, or worry they're “taking sides” by still going? ) or ( e.g. If two flatmates start dating, and one of them pays the bulk of the rent, could the other flatmates fear financial stress or housing insecurity if the pair ever breaks up? )
- What feels OK and Not OK to share publicly? Why? ( When I use “public” in this context, it includes posting something in a group chat, on social media, or privately sharing things to mutuals, which could then be repeated, gossiped about, or otherwise become part of public knowledge. A companion piece to this question may be, “When a conflict is in public, what’s the role of the audience?” )
- About the Not OK information to share, what if it also feels strange to omit? Could there be a way to reference it with discretion? ( e.g. One person in a duo doesn’t want the whole group to know they’re ending a kink relationship because of sexual trauma. But it will be obvious they aren’t play partners anymore at the next play party. Could the pair agree to say, “we wanted a break from each other, but no one did anything wrong,” or similar broad statement? Is there a way to address group concerns or curiosity while still protecting privacy? )
- Is there room for mutuals to voice their own reactions or get emotional support from the duo? Would one or both of the pair need to limit how much they support others in this? ( e.g. If two people in a triad need to stop having sex with each other, but want to keep the triad intact, would they still have bandwidth to hear their shared partner’s grief, guilt or fear about that? )
- Is there room for one or both of the duo to get emotional support from mutuals? If yes, how can that be sought without putting them in the middle? ( e.g. Maybe a person skims the story details and focuses just on their own emotions. Instead of “this person said XYZ specific things” it could be, “they said some hurtful things and I’m just really frustrated and overwhelmed,” etc. )
There are so many ways this can look, with myriad complicating factors, so I’m wary of oversimplifying things too much. I’ve found these questions to be helpful starting points, since few social scripts exist for evolving group dynamics, let alone non-monogamous ones. I hope they can be helpful, and I’d be interested to hear what other things you take into consideration.
Warmly,
Morgan
Comments
Morgan
hi! for sure, it can be tough to navigate if self advocacy is already a lift. I tend to treat accommodations for that similar to any other negotiation where everyone's acting in good faith. Can mutuals know that about you and encourage you to not steamroll yourself? Can baseline needs be established in some way up front, with agreement of what won't be flexible? Can someone uninvolved support you directly, or use a 3rd party mediator, etc? It's often similar to other relationship talks, but just a few more moving parts, in my experience. If that doesn't fit your situation tho I'd be happy to chat directly and make a game plan. xx
Ilde Senesence
I love this framework but I'm a little fearful because reading through these I felt my people pleasing tendencies getting raised and that's probably not the intended goal here. What's a good way to think critically about these considerations while also balancing against the desire to self-abandon/people-please
