nightmind
patreon
The End of Winter
🕑 Added 2022-03-22 03:15:11 +0000 UTCIt's the night of March 21st, 2022. It's finally spring, plus a full day on top to make it real.
You have no idea how much I've been looking forward to this night.
Winter, this year, has been awful. First, here's the aspect you've all known: I've been working on both the episodes I needed to deliver for the edition of Night Mind on Paranormal TV since November and regular uploads for the channel. That's kept me busy without terribly much of a break outside a few moments planned in advance of the Paranormal TV involvement.
On top of that, I dedicated myself to making this a much superior year on the channel to last year, and started that ambition by premiering a video on the first day of the year. I wanted to dominate my upload rates from all years prior. I also had responsibilities I was trying to secure myself for, and thoughts about my family I felt I needed to work harder for.
In February, I was facing the most stacked month yet and absolutely needed to perform to the best of my ability. I had things planned, I was ready.
In early February, my grandmother died. There was barely any warning; I went from receiving a call one night about a rush to the hospital following a bout of sudden illness to sitting with my family in that hospital the next day. Despite the diagnosis by the doctor that it was possible she could pull through, she died that afternoon.
I wasn't in the right place or time to lose my grandmother. My mother and her sisters weren't in the right place or time to lose their mother. None of us were prepared, none of us could fathom that she was gone so quickly. And my mother, who had been her caretaker...
Look, if any of you are in a position of knowing what it's like to think not just of yourself, but of being the safety net one day for a parent in case their ability to carry on falls apart, you already know how I feel. And you know exactly what situation I was facing on top of everything else right then.
I have never suffered a more awful February in my life... and I already hated that month before this year.
I've said as much about my grandmother on the YouTube community tab as I'm willing to share. But she was the centerpiece of that side of my family, and I wouldn't be who I am today without her. I wasn't ready to say goodbye, and I know I'm still not. I'm going to be saying goodbye a few more times going forward in the years, and I know that. One of the values she taught and exemplified was that despite how hard life has hit you with the unexpected and the painful, you've got to go on, and somebody has to stand and be the rock for the people who need them. Yeah, it's gonna hurt, but we're New Englanders--we've known what it's like to face the cold and push through.
I did that for all the rest of February under the worst pass-or-fail conditions on the channel I've ever faced outside of October. I didn't have the time to work on things, because I was at Grandma's house helping my family, or just trying to bring some semblance of normality back while I was grieving. I finished videos feeling like all I wanted to do was walk away from the desk or go back to Grandma's house.
And you know what? I made it through. I got to March, and things got easier. The first few weeks still had their demands, and the rest of what comes in the aftermath of my grandmother's death is still in store. But I can say, finally, I'm on the other side of what felt like a gauntlet.
All this to say--I've been absent on here for a bit and in the Discord, and this has been why. I've had my spots of light and days that were easier, but this winter has been a test of my resilience in a way I never expected to experience.
I've got to finish this week's work and make sure I'm ready for what's left of the current slate of responsibilities, but I'll be back to participate and be present in April, I believe. Darkroom, consultations... we'll get to them again. ::3
So, thank you for your patience, and your understanding, and your support--especially this past winter. I may not express why it matters so much, but knowing you're here, that Patreon is here and continuing, gives a lot of peace of mind that allows me to carry on.
Comments
I lost my dad suddenly in 2020 and it was hard. I’m so sorry you lost someone so important to you. It really sucks. I know it’s been a few months, but on those days you’re feeling down… make a meal that you remember sharing with her. It helped me to make my dads favorite meals on days I really missed him.
richard burns
Loss is an awful thing, much love to you and your family in this difficult time.
