C&C
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Regarding the weekly chat
🕑 Added 2020-08-22 02:11:47 +0000 UTCHey everyone,
I just wanted to compose a message for a few reasons, but mostly because a few people messaged expressing disappointment about the chat being cancelled and I want to be open about what’s going on in my life right now, because it’s just better to do that than to keep it to myself as I have been doing.
For the past few weeks (and months), I’ve been struggling to respond to messages in general. I’ve actually been in tears almost every day, and while I would prefer to be here all of the time and immediately respond to your comments and personal messages, it is very hard just to maintain my regular posting.
One thing that is happening in my life right now is an issue related to my family and COVID. In the past few years, I've only seen my family a handful of times, and because of COVID and several personal circumstances, I might not see them again for a long time.
Beyond that, I’ve just finished a very intensive and pressure-inducing experience. And in addition to this already very demanding and time consuming experience, I am continuing to work with some people who openly do not support LGBT folks (and who occasionally have the attitude that women don’t belong in certain career roles), but I can’t afford to write them off. I am looking for other opportunities on a daily basis, however in the meantime, it is not an ideal situation and regularly makes me feel awful. There is also a very religious person in my life who feels responsible for my “immortal soul” and has been sending me upsetting messages lately because I revealed my serious intentions to one day marry a woman.
As you can imagine, these situations have put stress on several of my personal relationships and have caused arguments between me and people I care about deeply.
I’ve had really severe stress headaches because of all of this — my jaw and face clench up and I have needed to wear a bite guard to deal with it, so sometimes sitting at the computer to respond is physically an issue because it causes more tension. For about 2 weeks last month, I was dealing with this every day, and I was truly afraid the headaches would never subside. I am human, and lately, almost too tired to function, especially on chat nights.
I love doing this. It’s my escape. And this is an escape for all of you, which is why I never wanted to mention my personal circumstances or be anything but a writer and hopefully a joy provider, but I’m sharing all of this with a) the hope of receiving some understanding and b) the desire to convey the situation to everyone so no one takes it personally if I am delayed responding to a message. It’s not my intention to make any person feel ignored.
The last few months and especially this month have been hell for more than just the reasons listed above, and I just don’t have any ounce of energy left to cope with even the slightest bit of added stress. Every other minute of my day has lately involved conflict, and many times I am up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just trying to figure out how to make it through the next day. I hope things are going to eventually get better, but the next 3 or so months are shaping up to be very difficult. I'm still going to be posting a lot of content, but I may be slow responding to your comments and your messages, and I may occasionally have to cancel chats when these other issues have left me feeling depleted.
Thank you for listening and understanding.
An edit/addition: I just want to add in a small clarification, because I feel like the way I framed this above may have made it seem like someone really harshly complained a lot to me or was really angry about the chat’s cancellation when that wasn’t the case. A few people who newly joined were planning to come to the chat last night (as well as someone who has been around since Feb and keeps missing it) and the newer folk expressed they were sad it wasn’t happening. I honestly just felt bad and it was not because of what was specifically said, but because I feel like it lets people down who enjoy the chat whenever I don’t run it, and new people tend to get disappointed when it’s their first chance to participate and they can’t. That was all. I just wanted to make a general statement to everyone about what is happening in my life so it’s clearer why I might sometimes cancel it. I’m not taking any time off from writing, I really do love it and use it as a way to cope with stress. I love you all and appreciate you.
Comments
Hey, just take care of yourself.... you’ve been fantastic about communicating (my perspective) and I think we can all understand that it’s difficult times for lots of people right now. Thanks for sharing and if there’s anything I can do please let me know.
Take all the time you need, you need to be your priority right now. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a stressful time and especially sorry that you’ve been getting upsetting messages from someone who has weaponized religion. That’s incredibly cruel, but when it comes from people who claim to love us (though their actions say otherwise), they have an insidious way of making us feel like the bad guy when we push back or try and cut off contact. So if you need "permission" to go no contact for awhile/forever from that person, this is it. You deserve better than that. I’ve unfortunately been in a similar position before and it took an outside person telling me that I wasn’t obligated to have contact just bc they were "family" and it’s made a huge difference in my wellbeing. I hope you can find similar relief.
WildSolace
Taking care of your health and mental well-being is the most important thing you can do. Doing what you have to do for yourself should always be your priority and those who love your work and the brightness you bring will understand. But you and yourself are the priority. I’m sorry you have to deal with such terrible and horrible sounding experiences. Especially from those who are your family. Stay safe and I hope things get better soon. Sending you love and lots of good vibes. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Blake
i'm sorry you're dealing with so much on your plate. thank you for letting us know. as your readers, we understand and we are here for you. i hope things will get better soon. take all the time you need if you ever feel overwhelmed. it's amazing how you're able to write so much for us and i'm glad to hear how writing conforts you. like i said take all the time you need 💛💛💛
I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much stress! I feel you. I tend to hold my stress in my body. And lord knows Uber religious assholes trying to save our souls is the worst. If you can find one, I highly recommend a good somatic therapist. They are the best at helping you to get the stress and strain out of your body.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with toxic people in your life right now. Depression definitely is not fun (been dealing with it kinda heavily lately after having it no so bad for the past few years) and it sucks so honestly go at your own pace, I'm sure a lot of your readers will understand!
Jbzq21
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I'm angry that you have to deal with bigoted and hateful people. Especially, someone from your family. I will tell them to fuck off and to leave you alone. I can wait as long as I can for your post cause im grateful your providing us readers with your beautiful written stories while your dealing with those stressful people. You can take as much time off as you want. I wouldn't want you to burn out. I hope someone close too you haves your back and helping you with those asshole.
JFC, take all the time and chats off you need. I've been in the depression abyss and it is not fucking fun. This may seem trite, but I'm proud of you for getting through every day even when it's a giant mountain of shit. I hope you have people you can take to about this.
