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Hard Digest April 10: Gun Laws, Early Access PornHub, Sobriety, Record Stores, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-11 00:00:08 +0000 UTCJealous Florida Senate Hurriedly Passes Bill Allowing Teachers to Pistol Whip Tardy Students
BY TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Members of the Florida Senate quickly passed a new bill last night that will allow teachers K-12 to publicly pistol whip students who are late to class, confirmed sources who admitted they were jealous of a new Tennessee Senate bill allowing teachers concealed carry weapons.
“That Tennessee bill is so cool, I mean just imagine being a teacher, and some kid is mouthing off to you about how you drive a crappy Honda and then you bust out a huge gun and say something badass like ‘Your life is suspended’ before unloading on him, I want that in Florida so bad,” said Republican Senator Dennis Baxley. “Thankfully we were able to come together and pass something we are all happy with called the ‘Retard Tardiness Bill’ which gives our hard-working teachers the freedom to smash the butt of a gun into a student’s head, face, or neck if they are more than 30 seconds late for class without a note from a member of the clergy.”
Governor Ron DeSantis is expected to pass the bill into law in a special ceremony later today.
“Make no mistake, this is a bipartisan accomplishment that shows the Florida government works. Democrats had very valuable input in creating the bill, their additions made it so this only applies to students who are late more than three times starting from kindergarten and the number of strikes allowed depends on the size of the gun,” said DeSantis. “I hope we can expand on this historic bill even further by giving our teachers the freedom to fire a few warning shots into the floor any time students won’t settle down, and I’d personally love to see problem students have to play a few rounds of Russian Roulette in front of a crowded auditorium to show these kids we mean business.”
School safety advocates immediately criticized the lawmakers in each state.
“Arming teachers is not a solution. Public school teachers have a very difficult job, and they should be given more resources to educate children, not threaten the lives of children. Not to mention that being a teacher doesn’t exactly make you a saint, all of us had that one alcoholic high school teacher that was holding on by a thread,” said community organizer Tasha Young. “For me that was Mr. Sullivan, one time two students were fighting in the lunchroom and he choke slammed one of the kids through a table to break it up. Everyone called him The Undertaker after that.”
At press time, Arizona lawmakers revived a bill from the 1860s that would allow teachers to publicly hang any students accused of “sass mouth.”
“Alexander Wept, for there were no More Worlds to Conquer” Whispers Man after Hitting Last Page of PornHub Results
BY FORT WORTH, Texas — Local masturbator James Matheson was overheard thoughtfully whispering to himself a historical poem about Alexander the Great upon reaching the last page of PornHub search results, slightly less perverted sources claimed.
“Toil and risk are the price of glory, but it is a lovely thing to live with courage and die leaving an everlasting fame,” explained Matheson while washing out his fleshlight in the kitchen sink without moving any dishes. “Considering the breadth of internet porn, I never thought I would ever reach the end of the smut rainbow, but alas, I stumbled upon the metaphorical edge of the world while edging to “funtari” porn. Just as the fire in my soul has been extinguished, the “next page” link on the PornHub results has vanished, leaving me with nothing to which I can pull my pud.”
Roommate Keri-Ann Dominguez expressed her concern with how often Matheson “enjoys” his body.
“James is a good roommate, as in he pays his rent on time and is quiet. But he only ever really comes out of his room to grab a Prime from the fridge when he needs to ‘rehydrate.’ It’s honestly pretty concerning.” said Dominguez. I tried once confronting him about his severe porn addiction, but then he started waxing philosophical like he was Roy Batty at the end of ‘Blade Runner.’ I sometimes need to find just the right video to get you over the top, but I really think he needs to discover another hobby besides pounding his meat like it’s a railroad spike.”
Historian Rita Ballard noted the relationship between great leaders like Alexander the Great and insatiable perversion.
“While internet porn addiction is obviously a relatively new phenomenon, humans have been spanking their bits and stroking their shit since before the invention of fire. And those who struggle with porn addiction actually share quite a bit with some of the great leaders throughout history,” said Ballard. “Egyptian Pharaohs used to masturbate into the Nile river to ensure a bountiful harvest. And later in life, Mikhail Gorbachev famously couldn’t climax unless his partner was dressed as Reagan and demanding that he ‘tear down these pants.’”
At press time, Matheson was forced to go one hour without touching himself, during which over 11,250 new videos were uploaded to the site.
Peer Pressure on the Rise: How To Say No To Getting Sober
BY JOHN DANEK
Just about everyone is getting sober these days. Self-destructive musicians, degenerate friends, and even Aunt Linda are laying off the booze as of late. These teetotalers will tout amazing life upgrades like health benefits, money savings, and uneventful parole meetings.
But just because everyone around you is doing something, does that mean you should do it too? Absolutely not. Be an individual; don’t succumb to peer pressure like a spineless tween. If you’re feeling weird and squirmy about getting shitfaced at social gatherings, follow these tips to overcome the shame and stay true to yourself.
DO continue to order bottomless mimosas at brunch even if you’re the only one doing so. While your friends are ordering niçoise salads and bragging about their AA chips, bravely motion for the server to bring back the bottle of Prosecco while you wolf down a meat lovers’ omelet.
DON’T follow recently sober people online. You will start to see them get healthier and regain a glint of hope in their eyes. This will heighten the temptation to stop drinking. Just block and pour another beer.
DO rebrand your drinking pattern into a hobby or academic pursuit. Thoughtfully review fruited sours into Untappd, or plot your Mexico trip around mezcal distilleries. And hide the fact that you vomited in the bathroom after your fourth tasting on the Bourbon Trail.
DON’T believe your family’s crocodile tears at your intervention. These bullies will stop at nothing until you behave exactly like them. Stay strong; you got this.
DO continue to enhance fun activities by drinking during them. Anything worth doing sober is worth doing a little buzzed. Concert? Midnight movie? Optometrist appointment? These are all reasons why flasks were invented.
DON’T attempt Sober October or Dry January. Never tempt yourself with the smallest taste of alcohol abstinence. You could grow powerfully dependent on sobriety. The easiest way to stop an addiction is to never start.
Local Record Shop’s Going Out of Business Sale Precedes Grand Opening
BY JAMES KNAPP
WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Independent record shop Columbia Flophouse somberly announced the business’s going-out-of-business sale nearly two full weeks before the store was scheduled to open, sources who should have seen this coming confirmed.
“Well, you know what they say—all beginnings must come to an end. Except in this case I guess, where we didn’t actually begin shit,” pondered shop owner Amy Keyes as she once again reduced the price on a bin used Styx records. “But at least it wasn’t a total loss. We were still able to use the ‘Grand Opening’ banner we preordered by just turning it around and spray painting ‘Everything must go’ on the other side. It’s times like these we need to be thrifty.”
Would-be customer Jason Plimpton lamented the loss of the store, despite never setting foot inside of it.
“Columbia Flophouse could have been a huge cultural hub for this scene. Instead it’s just more fodder for the local repo industry. I mean, their fucking vans are parked across the street right now!” exclaimed Plimpton, gesturing to a fleet parked nearby. “It’s a hard thing to admit, but while I’m sad we’re losing the store, the going-out-of-business deals really are tremendous. No way was I paying full price for a warped Damned live album.”
Building owner Marcus Drint detailed the history of businesses pre-failing in this location.
“This is like the fourth record shop we’ve had try to move in here in the past year. When are these hippies gonna learn that brick and mortar music shops have the shelf life of an amusement park hermit crab?” said Drint. “I have to give these latest guys credit though, they did last longer than any of the other ones. The second record store didn’t even bother to stock any inventory or negotiate out of their lease. They just left a note on the counter that read ‘Sorry. Can’t.’ and then ripped out some of the copper pipes before they left.”
At press time, Columbia Flophouse management had put out an ad on Craigslist asking “$15 or best offer” for one hundred and fifty badly damaged Billy Joel albums under the link “FIREWOOD FOR SALE.”
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New Bambi Horror Movie Technically Less Scarring to Children Than Disney Original
BY JOE RUMRILL
LOS ANGELES — A newly announced slasher film Bambi: The Reckoning has officially been deemed less upsetting to children than the classic Disney animated film on which it’s based, misty-eyed youngsters remembering Bambi’s mom’s fate confirmed.
“A deer serial killer is far less harrowing to my little psyche than confronting the ever-dwindling mortality of my mother,” mused local second-grader Ginny Carrero, after being shown the Reckoning’s teaser trailer. “Why our parents continually cause generational trauma by showing that scary cartoon is beyond me. Bring on the Reckoning, it will be a walk in the park compared to the wildfire, shotgun blasts, and skunk foreplay in the old one.”
“Now if we could just get a gritty new version of that horse scene in ‘The Neverending Story’ I could be the first of my siblings to grow up well-adjusted!” he added.
Leading child psychologists agree that the violence in the new slasher fares better on the constitutions of youngsters.
“Judging by the trailer, The Reckoning appears to be a revenge story, based on Bambi’s retaliation against the hunters who ripped his mother away from him in the animated film. This actually reinforces to impressionable children the importance of family, whereas the first one showed the importance of ‘frolicing in the flowers’ which we scientists believe to be perfunctory at most,” said Dr. Stephanie Susskind, while handing a nearby kindergartener a copy of Poltergeist, to teach the importance of shelter. “Just because a film is lushly hand-animated doesn’t mean it is for a child’s eyes, and our studies show that the human cerebrum is ready to confront the tormenting, searing emotional baggage that comes with Bambi once they’ve served a few military tours of duty.”
Though many of the original animators behind the 1942 Disney film have passed on, those who remain attest that the Reckoning was all part of the plan.
“Oh, trust me, we knew what we were doing. That whole doggone picture was a long-con on the industry to get a horror movie made out of it as soon as we put pencil to paper. You don’t write a sweet, lilting song like ‘Little April Shower’ without fully expecting it to be repurposed a hundred years later over shots of blood and gore. Sheesh, I’m getting chills just thinking about it,” wheezed 95-year-old Ollie Trimball, who began as a layout artist for Disney when he was just 13. “Honestly, we all thought Walt was doing a bit when he went to release it. That thing belongs in the vault with the other ‘unmentionables’ he ended up hiding away. I say ‘phooey!’ What good does cryogenically freezing your head do if you haven’t got a brain inside it?”
At press time, the team behind Bambi: The Reckoning has begun preparation for sweeping every category in the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.
Man Buys a New Game While Downloading a New Game That He Bought While Downloading a New Game
BY NEW YORK — 26-year-old law student John Brown was found early today buying a new game while downloading a game that he bought while downloading a new game.
While John sees no issue with his actions, his roommate Marty Morrison is deeply concerned.
“He just sits in his room downloading every day. When one download finishes, he immediately starts another, and then another,” said Morrison. “John is now using his life savings to buy more games. It’s completely insane! I have tried telling him to at least play the tutorial of one before buying another. He just says: ‘One more game Marty and then it will be perfect.’”
John Brown, the aspiring 26-year-old prosecutor, believes he’s on a path to enlightenment.
“First I downloaded Animal Crossing, got bored waiting, and started to download Microsoft Flight Simulator. That started to take a long time to download, so I went from there. After a while I started to notice patterns in the system itself. The game titles and box art started to communicate with me in a way I really can’t explain. They told me that I needed to download the games in a certain order to get closer to the ‘truth’. So I did. I am now in my 500th download this week and the purpose is becoming clearer every second.”
When questioned about the message conveyed by the games, Brown’s demeanor changed, and he started to growl with a demonic voice.
“YOU ARE BOUND TO BE CAST IN THE ETERNAL GREEN FLAME OF INFINITE WISDOM AND YOUR BODIES WILL BE SACRIFICED FOR THE PURPOSE OF BUYING A GAME WHILE WAITING FOR ANOTHER GAME TO DOWNLOAD!”
Doctor Jefferey Sipowicz believes Brown is exhibiting clear signs of ‘Game Download Syndrome’
“Yes, yes absolutely, these are very common symptoms of a man who is suffering from the Game Download Syndrome. What happens is that games take so long to download these days so gamers will browse the store while waiting and make a new purchase. For a select few this activates a part of their brain the same way heroin or crack does and they get locked into a never-ending cycle of buying and downloading new games. These nut jobs can turn into wild beasts in a matter of weeks after the first download.”
At press time, Morrison is in the hospital for injuries suffered after trying to physically stop Brown from buying a new game.
Gamer Pulls Self Away From Complaining About Game to Complain About Game-Based TV Show
BY NICK COFFMAN
ATLANTA – Taking a break from complaining about the state of the Fallout game series, local gamer Reggie Fowler has confirmed his sights are now set on the Fallout TV series.
Fowler, a Fallout super fan and tough critic, took to X to share his dismay about the adaptation.
“From the trailers alone, it seems like the characters have less dialogue options than in Fallout 4 — which is saying something because there were like no dialogue options in Fallout 4,” Fowler lamented in a long-winded thread. “Fallout was built on options and role-playing. You’re telling me I just have to sit there and watch a predetermined narrative with no options? Even Fallout 4 lets you pick a faction to side with by the end of the game. How lame of Bethe$da and Amazon to take choice away from the viewers.”
“And less than 30fps? Are you serious?” Fowler continued. “How in 2024 is this show under 30fps? Even the Micro$oft fanboys can run Fallout 4 at 60fps on the Xbox Series X. I cannot fathom how the production company that spent billions on the woke Lord of the Rings series would let this happen to their Fallout show.”
Martin Davis, fellow Fallout fan and Fowler’s best friend joined in on the pile-on.
“I have 1200 hours played in that dog shit game,” Davis added. “The Commonwealth is a complete waste of a map, there’s next to nothing to do on it. There’s no truly evil faction option to side with. The opening takes forever to complete. No one asked for settlement building, but Todd snuck that one in on us, didn’t he. And I would know. I eat, breathe, and sleep Fallout.”
Addie Rich, a spokesperson for Amazon, weighed in on the complaints.
“We hope Fallout fans will choose to judge the show on its merits after its release. With a rich backstory and high-quality CGI, the show is visually stunning. And it may not be apparent now, but there are many ways to interact with Fallout while watching, including the pause, mute, and volume buttons. Viewers will also be welcome to make exciting choices while watching the show, such as whether or not to turn on the closed captioning.”
At press time, Fowler was reportedly rewatching the trailer to the Fallout TV series for the thousandth time, looking for something new to complain about.
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