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Hard Digest April 29: Kristi Noem, Early Access Elvis, Skinny Jeans, Six Feet Under, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-30 00:00:06 +0000 UTCKristi Noem Saves Face by Claiming Dog She Shot Was Infected with Woke Mind Virus
BY STEPHEN BELL
PIERRE, S.D. – South Dakota Governor and potential Trump 2024 running mate Kristi Noem tried to save face after admitting to shooting her dog by claiming that the dog was infected with the “woke mind virus” and therefore needed to be euthanized.
“That dog was a menace to me and my children and needed to be put down,” said Noem in a statement. “I thought the dog was growling when I heard it go ‘herrrrrr’ near my son, but then I realized it was trying to queer him up by referring to him as a ‘her.’ I knew the only way to protect him at that point was to put a bullet between Fido’s woke eyes before he turned my children into transvestite commie Jewish Palestine sympathizers. Unlike that fake COVID, the woke mind virus is a real threat to my children and I won’t let it spread, no matter how many dogs I have to kill.”
Current indictee Donald Trump had effusive praise for the way Kristi handled the situation.
“There’s a fantastic reason I never let any dogs into my White House,” said Trump outside of a New York courthouse. “Dogs are the perfect vessel for transmitting the woke mind virus because of the disgusting way they lick your face and are always asking for pets like the little trolls they are. Disgusting animals. Did you know that Mike Pence has a dog? It’s clear that the reason he didn’t refuse to certify the election is because his dog infected him with the virus. Don’t worry though, when I’m president again I will make sure to have his dog hanged.”
Some such as veterinarian Suzanne Ford disputed the conclusion that the dog had the woke mind virus.
“These people don’t know anything about basic biology,” said Ford frustratedly. “The woke mind virus is only designed to impact people, not dogs. Besides, the woke-mind virus was only invented in 2017, which was well after the incident in which she shot the poor pooch. There was no risk at that point that we could’ve seen human to dog transmission.”
At press time it was reported that Noem could be seen laughing hysterically after being shown a clip of the end of “Old Yeller.”
Nation Looking Forward to Next Elvis Movie That Explores His True Legacy of Dying on the Toilet
BY KEVIN BURKE
LOS ANGELES – Two years after the release of Baz Luhrmann’s “Elvis,” citizens of the United States of America are still patiently waiting for an Elvis movie that explores his true legacy of dying on the toilet, multiple census reports confirmed.
“I already know everything about Elvis’s life. He invented Rock and Roll by himself and then solved racism. It’s why Elvis is still one of the most beloved musicians to this day and nobody ever debates his importance,” said Bill Johnson, lifelong Elvis Presley fan and former D+ history student. “But all these biopics forget one of his most important contributions to society; dying on the toilet with 75 pounds of impacted feces in his colon. Show us his stomach pain, show us how many plungers he would go through in a week. We have had enough of the dancing, let’s see him try to take a huge dump, have a heart attack, and die.”
This growing sentiment in the Elvis community was noted by Hollywood Director Mark Chilwell, who has had his eyes on a project like this for a while.
“We’ve already tested the idea out with multiple focus groups. The glitz, the glamor of Elvis are all well and good. But his private struggles with constipation are what excite the modern movie-going audience,” said Chilwell, who could hardly contain his excitement. “You should’ve seen them! They were practically salivating at the idea of a true Elvis death tale. Paramount approved the initial script within a few hours, and we all got morning beers to celebrate! We start shooting in three weeks!”
Sheila O’Brien, longtime music historian and author of the bestselling book, “The Day the Music Died on the Toilet,” commented about this oft-overlooked aspect of Elvis’s legacy.
“He was a true innovator, and this proves it,” said O’Brien, who began miming his final moment in poor taste. “Other rock stars of the time would die in a bathtub and THEN shit. Not Elvis. He wanted to shit first, then die – just like he famously sang in his hit song ‘Hound Dog.’ You see, it wasn’t all about the music with him, it was also about guns. But then after music and guns, he also loved his toilet time, and I just think it’s beautiful that he got to die doing what he loved. Does that make me a sentimentalist? Maybe. Does that make a disgusting freak? Yes! But Elvis never cared what anyone thought, and neither do I!”
Though Paramount is reportedly still in the casting process for the upcoming film, when asked who they’d like to see play ‘shitting Elvis,’ everyone in the nearby vicinity screamed “DANNY DEVITO” in unison.
Opinion: You Can Pry My Skinny Jeans Off of My Cold Dead Legs
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
There is probably no inalienable right greater than freedom of expression, and what better way to tell the world that you saw Hawthorne Heights at a tiny club in 2002 than you rocking a pair of Levi 510s? I’m talking about skinny jeans my friends, the cornerstone of any sensible Millennial wardrobe. But as the cruel march of time saunters on they’ve grown out of style, even derided as “cheugy.” And that’s led to a sad decline in both availability and quality.
Which is why I am here to tell all the generations that have come before and after me one thing: you can pry my skinny jeans off my cold dead legs.
Seriously, come and fucking take them. Though you probably can’t since they’re notoriously difficult to peel off my body, especially if I just walked up a flight of stairs and got a little sweaty. Everyone treats me like a lunatic for hoarding so many pairs, but it’s only a matter of time before we have a Gen Z president who comes to your door to take away your calf clingers.
It’s been said that you either die an emo kid or live long enough to see yourself wear cargo pants with an elastic waistband. When I kick the bucket you can stick me in the casket upside down so everyone can see that I’m taking this shit to the grave, literally. Sugar, if I’m going down, the pants are going with me.
I’m so passionate about it because whatever benevolent creator decided to check off the “gangly chicken legs and no ass” box when assembling my body and it’s the only type of pants that fit me. Or it could be that one time in high school when prom queen Stacy Williams complimented my pants out of the blue and I’ve been clinging to that moment ever since. It’s 50/50.
Look, I know fashion is cyclical, which is why we’re seeing the resurgence in shit everyone was wearing in the ‘90s (I’m looking at you, JNCO). But skinny jeans are more practical than the olds and youngs want to give them credit for. The bottoms of your jeans can’t get frayed or soaking wet from puddles if they’re attached to your ankles!
Did I want to make my entire identity about a singular piece of clothing? No, but if I don’t stand up for our right to wear pants that probably hinder lower body blood circulation, the terrorists win.
Guy Wearing Six Feet Under Shirt at Death Metal Show Either Undercover Cop or Just Chris Barnes
BY CHRIS BOWEN
TAMPA, Fla. — Attendees at a local death metal show Saturday night were leery of a suspicious man wearing a Six Feet Under t-shirt, who was thought to be either an undercover cop or lead singer Chris Barnes, several baffled camo short-wearing metal fans report.
“No self-respecting death metal fan would ever wear a Six Feet Under shirt in public unless they were a narc or the founding member of the band,” said showgoer Rachel Dunsmore. “It was extremely hard to tell which it was though. The dreadlocks, paired with the fact that he was clearly there alone, made me think it was most definitely Chris Barnes. But the completely unnatural way he held his beer made me think he was a cop pretending to be a death metal fan. Also, he kept talking directly into his shirt as if he had a wire on him. That could still be Chris though. Can’t be too sure.”
The man in question seemed irritated that anyone would confuse him for law enforcement or a metal vocalist.
“In all my years on the force, I mean in the metal community, I’ve never heard anything more silly than any of this,” said Justin DiBella. “I’m just here to enjoy the death metal music in person as any loyal enthusiast of this genre would do. It’s outrageous! So outrageous in fact, that I am going to ask around to see if anyone has any illegal drug paraphernalia on them, so that I can partake in being high during the festivities.”
Six Feet Under singer Chris Barnes was fed up with the lack of respect among metalheads.
“Ever since the first SFU album came out, I’ve heard stories from our dozens of fans saying they get called out, accused, or made fun of for repping the band,” said Barnes. “I myself can’t even go anywhere without some knucklehead asking me to scream a certain vowel or reading them their Miranda rights as they point and laugh. But at any rate, at least I can say I was in Cannibal Corpse for a while I guess, even though many people believe being in Six Feet Under cancels out Cannibal Corpse.”
At press time, suspicions grew even further after DiBella was seen at another show wearing a Five Finger Death Punch shirt.
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Cop Playing ‘Duck Hunt’ Just Keeps Shooting the Dog
BY TRAVIS TACK
NEW YORK, NY – Bystanders say they were very upset after seeing police officer Bruce Johnson play Duck Hunt and repeatedly shoot the dog.
“He’s not even aiming for the ducks,” complained one exasperated onlooker. “You get three shots per round and he used every one on that dog.”
Friends and colleagues say Johnson spends almost all his free time playing the game. When asked for comment, the veteran police officer simply shrugged. “Everybody needs a hobby,” he smiled. “Mine is shooting that dog.”
Unfortunately, not all the people in his life are so nonchalant. One person directly affected by the situation is Officer Johnson’s wife, Priscilla.
“Monday night, he’s shooting the dog. Tuesday night, he’s shooting the dog. Wednesday night, he’s shooting the dog. Thursday? Maybe he’ll take a break, put on GTA, murder a few prostitutes, then it’s right back to shooting that dog,” she complained. “Honesty, this is why I’m thinking about having an affair.”
But Johnson’s wife is not alone in her suffering. Reportedly, this behavior is quite common in the law enforcement community – and Nintendo’s aware of it.
“We believe 27% of the Duck Hunt games sold were purchased by police officers who wanted to shoot the dog,” explained Nintendo’s Shigeru Miyamoto. “We aren’t exactly sure why this is, but I have a theory. If you look carefully, you’ll notice the dog frequently laughs at the player. And the two things the police hate most are dogs and being laughed at.”
At press time Johnson was loading up another game after scoring negative 500 points last round.
Former Child Star Arrested on Suspicion to Launch Rewatch Podcast
BY JULIEN PEREZ
Beverly Hills, CA — Former child star Charlie McCauley has been arrested on suspicion to launch a rewatch podcast, according to police.
Deputies responded to a 12:21 p.m. call to the 1300 block of Benedict Canyon Drive, and found “evidence of an iHeartMedia contract,” according to a Los Angeles County Sheriff’s statement.
Also recovered from the scene were, “two Shure Microphones, three DSLR cameras, and all 9 seasons of the hit 2002 NBC sitcom Kid Courtside on DVD.”
McCauley was once the star of Kid Courtside where he played Samson, a 12-year-old ball boy prodigy hired by the Los Angeles Lakers and must balance the responsibilities of a professional ball boy while maintaining some semblance of a normal life among his classmates. The sitcom lasted nine seasons and spawned the equally successful spin offs Kid Announcer Booth and Kid GM.
Police have noticed an alarming uptick in rewatch podcasts as of late.
“With the success of Office Ladies, Talking Sopranos, and Pod Meets World, we’re observing a trend where out of work TV actors are taking to the airwaves to divulge behind the scene antics of their former glory days,” said Jose Rivera, the lead investigator for the LAPD Podcast Prevention Unit, while surveying the home of The Big Bang Theory’s Jim Parsons.
The 34-year-old actor was released on $150,000 bail. A spokesperson for McCauley has responded to the charges filed against him.
“The allegations of creating a rewatch podcast made against Mr. McCauley are baseless and absurd,” the Spokesperson said. “Furthermore, if Mr. McCauley wants to reconnect with his fans to share amusing on set stories in hopes the fan response will force NBC executives to return his phone calls, all in the form of an iHeartOriginal podcast, is his right as an American. His legal team is assessing all options and he will vigorously defend these claims in court.”
Jail records show McCauley was arrested alongside his former co-star French Stewart. As of press time, representatives for Stewart have not responded for comment.
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