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Hard Digest April 30: Marijuana, Early Access TikTok, Bill Murray, Nextdoor, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-01 00:00:08 +0000 UTCDEA Reschedules Marijuana After Having Their Minds Blown at Those Phish Sphere Concerts
BY WASHINGTON — The Drug Enforcement Agency announced plans to reschedule marijuana from the strict Schedule I classification to the chiller Schedule III after experiencing a “mind-bending” four-night run of Phish concerts at Las Vegas’ MSG Sphere, stoked sources confirmed.
“Bro, those Phish concerts changed me. That twenty-nine minute ‘Fuego’ jam broke my brain,” said DEA Special Agent Nick Travis. “And those Sphere visuals transported me to another world. I kept turning to my associate Agent Watkins and asking ‘Is this real life?’ as everyone stood there in awe. The trippy visuals were enhanced by what I considered to be a ‘contact high’ and I’m better off for it. At one point they took us to a car wash, crazy stuff. Whatever inspired this gorgeous experience must have value to humanity. I paid seven bucks for a small bag of M&Ms and they were the most delicious morsels I’ve ever consumed..”
Fellow potheads and Phish fans are elated to hear the news of the DEA’s rescheduling and that America’s favorite jam band helped tip the scales in this historical decision.
“If anyone could sway those squares into chillaxing on the bud it’s Phish,” rambled local stoner Grasshopper Jack. “For too long we’ve have to keep an eye out for the pigs while we blaze up during a tasty Gordo bass bomb. But now we can get toasted Page Side Rage Side without being burdened by any paranoia that isn’t the result of smoking hella weed on the daily.”
Legal experts agree that while the rescheduling decision is a big step forward toward justice there is still a significant amount of damage caused by the DEA’s extant policies.
“We have to remember that the DEA’s War on Drugs has resulted in many Americans having criminal records, facing employment discrimination, or still serving prison sentences,” said Criminal Defense Attorney Travis Parks. “While watching Phish melt faces with a thirty-minute ‘Tweezer’ as an immersive display of trippy cars surround you in the most high-tech concert venue of all time is a good reason to get into weed it’s hardly an excuse for the DEA to have spent years ignoring common sense regarding their harsh classification of marijuana.”
“I have plenty of clients who would love to be enveloped by a sea of blissful pixels as Phish plays a Krautrock-inspired ‘Blaze On’ jam at the Sphere but they are currently serving prison sentences because of the DEA,” added Parks.
At press time, the DEA was still refusing to budge on LSD rescheduling despite those psychedelic Dead & Co. shows going down at the Sphere this summer.
Friend Asks if He Can Borrow Pickup So He Can Move, Record a TikTok Ranting About the Government
BY DAN KOZUH
GREENE, N.Y. — Amateur conservative pundit Gordon Brock found himself in a predicament when none of his friends or family would let him borrow their pickup truck to aid in his move to a new “bachelor pad” and record a TikTok voicing his criticism of government policies and advocacy for personal freedoms.
“It would be embarrassing for me to scream about woke culture from the inside of my Ford Focus. No one will take me seriously in such a whimpy car. I have dozens of followers looking to hear my take about the crisis at our border, January 6th, and the Trump trial,” Brock explained while trying to move a mattress by himself when no one showed up to help him. “I’d rent a U-Haul but the cabin in those trucks are not conducive to the acoustics I need to tell the truth about Hunter Biden’s laptop.”
Family and acquaintances, however, are weary of loaning Brock their vehicle for any reason.
“Last time I let him use my truck he bent the tailgate trying to move his gun safe and then he spilled C4 energy drink all over the seat when he was gesticulating wildly about DEI policies,” local truck owner Shane Barker said while refusing to answer Brock’s calls. “And somehow a ‘Blue Lives Matter” bumper sticker was randomly placed on my car when he dropped it off, five hours late. It’s not my fault that [Brock’s] credit is so bad no one will sell him a truck.”
Dr. Annette Douglas, Professor of New Media with a focus in Automotive Journalism at Northwestern University, explained that this is an ever-growing issue in conservative media circles.
“The cost of pickup trucks has skyrocketed in the past few years and these so-called reporters are struggling to keep up. For them, the truck is a symbol of their right-wing expertise so they can’t be seen in anything older than a 2016 or, god forbid, a Toyota,” Douglas explained. “Not to mention most of these men are going through a divorce or have been kicked out of their parent’s house because they are 31 and unemployed. So they are constantly needing these trucks to move to basement apartments or grandparents’ attics.”
As of press time, Brock was found to be in a crisis of conscience when a coworker offered to let him use their All-Electric Rivian pickup.
Bill Murray Showed Up to My Wedding, Sang With the Band, Danced With the Bride, and Will Kill a Hostage Every Hour Until His Demands Are Met
BY Samantha and I got married at my father-in-law’s country club. Not our scene, but our friends and families had a great time. Until suddenly, someone (with their own mic?!) piped up from the back of the room, which I figured was a prank from my groomsmen. But no, it was Bill Murray, Peter Venkman himself, in a bucket hat and a vest full of fishing lures, singing “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)!” It was just like all the stories I’ve read on theCHIVE, it was completely bizarre, yet incredibly charming!
After the song, he delivered a moving speech about how we should travel the world together and handed us two tickets to opening day at Wrigley Field and an Uzi gifted to him by Hunter S. Thompson. The tickets were an amazing surprise, but a submachine gun was baffling. I don’t know how we would even get it home, and I don’t think they’re legal in our state.
He hopped onstage to play tambourine, which after a few songs was visibly wearing on the band, and we were all ready to eat. Then he went behind the bar and served drinks, but no matter the order, just gave everyone tequila. It was hilarious but getting a little out of hand!
With literally anyone else it would be obnoxious, but this was great! We all just went on as planned, with Bill Murray as bartender. We had gotten a story to tell for the rest of our lives, but it was supposed to be our day, can you get back to stealing random people’s fries?
We had our first dance, until Bill Murray asked to cut in. Samantha is a fantastic sport, but she was more familiar with his Wes Anderson era, so it was less of a thrill for her. I could tell the whole experience was starting to get old for her.
When he loaded the Uzi and started making demands, it seemed like a joke or a movie reference I didn’t get. But it got serious when he fired a shot in the air and said, “No calling the police. I see one cop, I kill three of you. I see two cops, six people die!”
He threw my dad a garbage bag and had everyone throw in their phones and wallets. He allowed the caterers and photographer to leave with a list of demands: a starring role in “A Confederacy Of Dunces” with Alfonso Cuaron as director, a standing 9:45 am tee-time at Augusta National for him and his brothers, and the skull of Del Close. Then he started busing tables.
We were scared and confused, he was threatening our lives, even if it was in a goofy way. Someone must have called the cops because the building was surrounded. He didn’t make good on his earlier threats, but when the negotiator started trying to communicate via bullhorn, Murray was nowhere to be found. We weren’t sure if this was some sort of trap, but it was silent, he was gone.
Ten minutes later, he appeared outside, wearing dish-washing gloves and drying a plate. We couldn’t hear what was being said, but all the cops seemed like they were yukking it up with him, before he recited a solemn poem. After a round of selfies, he got into a patrol car and did doughnuts on the course while firing off a shotgun.
We figured we were out of harm’s way, but too worked up to go back to celebrating, so we called it a night, only to find out he took everything from our gift table and left us with a signed DVD of “Operation Dumbo Drop.”
We learned later that after charming the cops, he came back, this time with the GZA to help the band load out.
Kind Neighbor on Nextdoor Wants Everyone to Know They’re Safe Because He is Second Coming of Christ
BY LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local weirdo Arnold Hauser posted on the popular community app, Nextdoor, that everyone in his neighborhood is safe around him because he is the second coming of Christ, conflicted neighbors report.
“Those in my presence need not fear. For I am Christ himself resurrected and made of pure love as well as crushing vengeance,” said Hauser while cleaning a stockpile of guns. “Crime has ridden this neighborhood for decades, but that ended the moment I started squatting in apartment B9. Archangels followed me here, slaying the demons that lurk around our block. And God alerts me of the physical passersby that are dancing with the devil, so that I may alert them of their damnation and coming demise. Oh, God is my goldfish.”
Hauser’s neighbors acknowledged his objectively unconventional methods have actually made the neighborhood feel more at ease.
“I’m not a fan of the fact that he said my penis is leading me to hell, but my car hasn’t been broken into since he came around. So that’s cool,” said neighbor Josh McKinnon. “He stands on an apple box all day and night shouting at everyone that walks by that his goldfish helps him decapitate evil, and spirits are in an eternal battle over the destination of their soul, which is weird. But if it keeps the porch pirates away, I’ll take it.”
Experts believe this approach to petty crime control is completely unethical, but they struggle to argue with the numbers.
“Sure, letting him continue to preach in the middle of the street about God speaking through his goldfish may temporarily decrease the neighborhood’s level of non-violent crime, but come on, not cool, guy” argued psychologist Suzy Putz. “Having a God Complex, like Hauser clearly has, is isolating and dangerous, to himself and others, yes. But he’s getting great results. Police records show that petty crime within a two-mile radius fell by 95% ever since he started screaming at all hours of the night.”
At press time, Hauser was whisked away by a team of large male nurses back to the mental health ward.
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Success of Fallout Series Prompts Amazon to Develop Its Own Nuclear Weapons
BY CALEB CIOFFI
CULVER CITY, Calif. — Amazon has reportedly begun production on its own line of nuclear weapons following the success of its Fallout series, according to sources already in underground bunkers.
“We have a culture that allows the best ideas to rise to the top,” explained Kenneth Hanson, Head of Amazon’s new Nuclear Division. “So many people are excitedly replaying the Fallout games because of our show, we figured that we could use the hype and show viewers how close we could get to a Fallout wasteland in real life. We’ve made some headways on developing an actual ‘Fat Man’! We even have a growing waitlist of Prime members who have pre-ordered Amazon’s new tactical nuclear catapult.”
Many Prime members say they are eagerly awaiting the new line of “Amazon Basics” weapons so that they can finally live out their dreams of traversing the radioactive wasteland of America.
“I’m so excited! I’ve been playing Fallout since Fallout 3 came out. I always loved that you could get a weapon that would level an entire town full of people. Now I can try it out in real life! While I wait for my new Fat Man Nuke Launcher, I’ll be wearing my Vault 33 vault suit (shout out to Prime’s two day shipping!) and collecting all the bottle caps I can!” said Prime member vaultboy101.
Another Prime member, dpeters1968, praised the simplicity of joining the waitlist and ordering their own nuclear weapons.
“I saved 15% by buying one every month on a subscription plan,” dpeters1968 said. “I did splurge a bit and also ordered the world class nuclear physicists to come and assemble it for me. Totally white glove.”
Not all members on the waitlist were excitedly awaiting their Prime orders, though.
“I can’t believe this is allowed. Who let them do this? Why can Amazon just make these? I mean, I’m buying one because they’re cool as hell but like I’m not happy about it!” commented Prime member savethebees221.
At press time, Amazon executives could not be reached for comment from their various undisclosed underground vaults. Sources fear they have already been cryogenically frozen with 1% of the American population.
Bold Truth Teller Open Minded to Other, Higher Paying Truths
BY YouTube – In an era when so many just like to please the crowd, one bold truth teller has declared he will always keep an open mind to listen, learn, and hear about higher paying truths, a teaser clip promoting a paywalled video confirmed.
Mark Gaines, a popular YouTube and Twitch personality, doesn’t care if cold hard facts are uncomfortable for some to hear, granted those facts can be presented with a framing that profitably fills a hole in the media landscape. Or come with a natural sponsor.
“Unlike some people, I’m not afraid to talk to the other side,” he said. “I will debate rates with any interest group, sponsor, or super high networth patron on any issue. Seriously, nothing’s off limits.”
“I had a good talk with the land mine industry the other day. We disagree on so much but we still came together on a price,” he added.
Gaines knows his blunt, passionate delivery of truths will result in what he calls “overly sensitive” people online coming after him and his paid Discord group.
“We need to speak together, with one voice, to fight this societal ill,” he explained in a recent video. “That’s why I’ve urged everyone in the 18-35 year old demographic with a household income over $100k a year to sign up to this petition and hit the checkbox to say you’re willing to receive promotional emails.”
According to those who have worked inside his organization, the profit motive has reportedly influenced Gaines’ content in the past.
“We had a video literally in the process of being uploaded when he received a text from a think tank and ripped the power cord for the computer out of the wall,” one editor who spoke on the condition of anonymity said. “He said that he debated their grant program and the marketplace of ideas proved he’d be saying the exact opposite of the video we just recorded.”
At press time Gaines had been banned from Twitch after realizing the truth that all of his followers should gamble via an online cryptocurrency casino.
Open Letter: We, the Gamers, Demand Math Blasters Be Added to Xbox Game Pass, or Else
BY NICK COFFMAN
Dear Phil,
Another month has passed and the PC smash hit Math Blaster Episode I: In Search of Spot has still not been added to Game Pass. Microsoft continues to spit in the face of fans by refusing to include the sci-fi classic. Game Pass launched seven years ago – enough is enough. From this moment forward, we will be canceling our $10/month subscription. We intend to make you sweat through your vintage video game t-shirts until you have no choice but to rectify this Math Blaster injustice.
Math Blaster Episode I: In Search of Spot is a classic action game filled with aliens, space fights, and tough math equations. After your companion Spot is abducted by aliens, you are thrust into a space-trotting adventure that contains more narrative depth than any of the Assassin’s Creed games present on Game Pass. It even outshines the shooting of Halo Infinite, which also doesn’t even contain math problems in between sequences. Is this what modern gaming has become?
Don’t tell us Microsoft can’t afford Math Blaster. We saw the Bethesda and Activision Blizzard acquisitions and the billions you spent on games that can barely muster a 7 out of 10 from IGN.
We are tired of going unheard. We don’t know what you have against Math Blaster or the Math Blaster fan base, but your silence on the matter is deafening. If you wish to keep receiving our $10/month for Game Pass, the following demands must be met:
You must wear a Math Blaster T-Shirt in public before June 3, 2024. It must be fully on and you cannot be wearing a hat or sunglasses to try and hide your identity.
Math Blaster Episode I: In Search of Spot must be added to Game Pass (both for the Xbox and PC).
You must announce a brand new Math Blaster trilogy (it doesn’t have to ever see the light of day, you just have to announce it and then slowly let it die, like you did with Scalebound).
Sit down with a Hard Drive reporter to discuss why you have been so reluctant to embrace Math Blaster yet were ok with Redfall.
Mail Hard Drive a personal apology letter along with 1,600,000 unmarked Microsoft Points.
You have until Noon PST, June 3, 2024 to meet these demands. If you do not, we will destroy Game Pass $10 at a time.
Signed,
The Hard Drive Team
