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Hard Digest May 20: Early Access Leather Jacket, Blink-182, Bill Maher, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-21 00:00:06 +0000 UTCCooler Guy Wears Two Leather Jackets
BY AUSTIN, Texas — Local cool guy Jared Bellweather left his house wearing two leather jackets in an attempt to double-up on his self-perceived hip appearance, confirmed sources who tried to tell him that’s not how that worked.
“Fashion is all about math. If one leather jacket makes you look cool to the general public, two would naturally enhance the appearance exponentially,” said Bellweather. “Sure, it feels like I’m wearing 40 pounds worth of outerwear as well as every single inch of the skin of a cow, but I’ve never looked so damn good in my life. And it’s already working too. After all, I’m getting so many looks from women as I walk down the street. Men also seem to be staring at me. Old people too. Also children, but they just seem to point and laugh uncontrollably. Everyone is clearly looking toward me as a style icon. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner.”
Friends of Bellweather weren’t quite sure how to broach the subject and tell him that he looked foolish.
“It was excruciating to watch him enter my party wearing two leather jackets. After all, it’s 75 degrees out and this is a pool party,” said longtime friend Chelsea Bentaurs. “Worse than that, he never took either of the jackets off the entire time he was here. What an idiot. If you’re going to wear more than one leather jacket at once, it should be more like five or six. That way it at least seems like you’re making some sort of daring fashion statement. I think that’s how fashion works. Anyway, none of us know how to break it to him, so we simply won’t.”
Style experts had some strong opinions regarding objectively questionable apparel choices.
“The most important fashion eras were all about pushing boundaries that we made up at the time,” said wardrobe stylist Marina Vonna. “But the cardinal rule is that you never want to wear the same exact thing as the thing you are already wearing. For instance, remember that phase where people would wear two studded belts at once or two different-colored polos at the same time? That was embarrassing as hell. It’s just like that famous quote: ‘Those who do not learn fashion history are doomed to repeat it.’”
At press time, Bellweather took off both leather jackets after agreeing they looked silly, but instead wore two tiny beanies simultaneously.
Life Imitates Art: This Blink-182 Fan is Legitimately Struggling to Remember His Age
BY Eric Celia, a fervent Blink-182 fan, recently found himself in a predicament that echoed his favorite band’s “Enema of the State” single “What’s My Age Again?” Despite his best efforts, he was unable to recall how old he currently is.
After wowing the crowd at a local karaoke bar with his spot-on rendition of “I Miss You,” seamlessly alternating between Mark Hoppus and Tom DeLonge’s vocal parts, he attracted a woman’s attention in the audience.
However, Eric hit an unexpected snag when this woman, whom we will call “Josie” to protect her anonymity, approached him to learn more about him, including his age. Despite confidently remembering every lyric to every Blink song, he was drawing a blank. Was he 32 or 33? Or had he lost a decade entirely and was actually approaching his mid-40s? Or worse, mid-50s? The exact number eluded him, leaving him momentarily flustered.
Thinking on his feet, Eric managed to divert the conversation from his age-related amnesia.
“That was a close one. Thankfully, I could shift the focus by offering to recite ‘The Party Song’ from start to finish at my place—a proposal she couldn’t resist,” said Celia while searching for his drivers license. “I normally just calculate my age from the current year, but to be honest I am not really sure what year it is, either. I’ve been in a haze ever since Blink released ‘California’ and I still haven’t come out of it.”
Managing to avoid the calamity of admitting he had no degree of certainty regarding his exact age, he reflected on a similar recent incident.
“My buddy is always ranting about the government and Wall Street fat cats gaming the system, but I don’t have time for worrying about all that. I told him it’s just like Blink says: ‘corporate leaders, politicians, kids can’t vote, adults elect them.’ He was like ‘Dude, you have been able to vote since the second Clinton administration.’”
There are many competing theories as to why an aging Blink-182 fan could forget their age, but one psychologist feels like they cracked the code.
“If you are a middle-aged man who exclusively shops for shoes at Vans, specifically the Vans outlet store, it’s easy to forget you’re no longer 19. You look down and all your clothes look like they have for nearly 30 years, but then you look in the mirror and it’s a wrinkled stranger looking back at you,” said Emira Tostlenca Ph.D.
Realizing that perhaps he would live the rest of his life intermittently having no clue how old he was, he sighed “Well, I guess this is growing up.”
Terrifying New Anti-Marijuana PSA Says Overindulgence Could Cause You to End Up Like Bill Maher
BY CHRIS BOWEN
LOS ANGELES — Local advocacy group the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign issued a chilling new public service announcement claiming overuse of marijuana could cause users to end up like condescending TV personality Bill Maher, faded sources report.
“The young people of America today should be made aware of the true, shocking dangers of marijuana,” National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign representative Colleen Birch stated. “Sure, at first pot may seem like fun. It can open your mind up to progressive ways of thinking and perhaps lead you to someday hosting your own talk show. But next thing you know, you’re finding yourself constantly complaining about the existence of Millennials and Gen Z and compromising your once liberal convictions by agreeing with conservative crackpots who think you ‘can’t say anything anymore.’ We’re here to say, ‘Don’t become Bill Maher the old coot, just give cannabis the boot.’ Our future depends on it.”
The scare tactics used in the eye-opening PSA have had a profound impact on many young pot smokers around the country.
“I’ve been smoking for about 10 years now. No wait, maybe it’s only been like seven. No, maybe it’s actually been more than 10 years. Whatever, I’ve always been able to just stop whenever I want, and now after doing some research, I think the whole ‘becoming Bill Maher’ is truly sobering,” local burnout Jeremy Stoltworth said. “I mean, it’s bad enough that we both think the ‘Me Too’ movement went too far, on top of the fact that I also complain about religion to any stranger I can. It’s scary to think I could one day smoke myself into irrelevance just like he did. I mean, I don’t want to become a multi-millionaire, self-important TV personality. Anything but that!”
Maher chose not to mince words when he eventually addressed the damning PSA.
“This whole thing is just another example of the pussification that has plagued anyone who isn’t going to die of old age in 10 years,” Maher stated. “Why the fuck wouldn’t anyone want to be like me? Someday these anti-pot people will realize how intelligent I am and the snowflakes and woke left who I was once exactly like will come to terms with it as well. Here’s a ‘New Rule’ for you—standing up against the tyranny of college students is now fucking awesome.”
In related news, an anti-alcohol PSA was also released suggesting that overuse could lead you to be like Mel Gibson.
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Man Uses What Little Time He Has on Earth to Watch Ad for Virtual Reward
BY BED – 22-year-old gamer Mac Noonan shocked the world today by voluntarily watching advertisements in exchange for virtual currency in a mobile game, sources still in bed at 12pm confirmed. This news arrives despite reports that the years go by so damn quickly, and that someday we’ll all be 60 and wondering where all the time went — assuming we even make it to that age.
Noonan reportedly downloaded free-to-play idle gacha game Cat Kitchen on his Android device so that he’d have something to do on the train, presumably in order to avoid contemplating his own suffocating mortality for even a moment.
Sources confirm the game features cute cartoon cats who fill various roles around a kitchen, generating in-game currency called “meow-gems.” Noonan often opts to watch ads to earn his meow gems instead of reading a novel, calling his mother, listening to music, admiring the view, or even just playing the game.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Noonan told us. “They’re just ads. They only take a minute to watch. Plus, I’m supporting the game without dipping into my bank account. [Also, I’m very stupid and my brain is small. I have the personality of mushy cereal. I am essentially a caveman. Unga bunga.]”
Cat Kitchen primarily runs ads for equally mind-numbing mobile games as well as off-brand phone service providers.
Experts can only guess why the man—who otherwise seems perfectly well-adjusted—chose to debase and humiliate himself for an imaginary reward.
“Does he not see how short and beautiful life is?” asked psychiatrist Linda Rosnay. “Does he think he will have a second chance on this earth? The human condition is so exquisitely flawed. Even in pain we find meaning, for we are reminded that we are wonderfully, gloriously alive.”
Rosnay then asked us to forward Noonan her work number.
Noonan’s soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend had this to say: “He watches ads? Is that all? Why is this going in the news? All I have to say is that [I am devastated. The man who owns my heart has betrayed me. I am scarred beyond repair and my life will never be the same. I see now that our relationship has run its course. He is essentially a caveman. You know, ‘unga bunga.’”
After bright colors and bold text flash across the screen amid animations of plentiful resources filling a player’s reserves, Noonan is forced to stare at a download button for an additional fifteen seconds before the 200 meow gems are credited to his account. He receives a barely perceptible spike of dopamine, proving that his capitalist overlords own him not just in body but in mind. He then avails himself of the most vapid moment of his insignificant life by using the gems to make his American Shorthair sous chef cook two times faster for four hours.
We reached out to the developers of Cat Kitchen for comment, but learned billionaires often do not respond to cold emails.
Yu-Gi-Oh Monster Nervously Eyes Card Text Encroaching on Art
BY NIK THEORIN
PHILADELPHIA – Fear and uncertainty gripped the Yu-Gi-Oh community earlier today as several monster cards looked down for the first time since their printing to see a wall of card text encroaching dangerously on their art, sources report.
“Mighty Master of Magic my ass, I’m fighting for my life out here,” said Endymion, a staple boss monster in Pendulum decks and the leading cause of squinting in the United States. “I’m not stupid, I know what people say about me. Endymion loses going second. Endymion loses to Naturia Beast. Endymion doesn’t know how to sit down in his armor and is too afraid to ask. I’ve got one thing going for me, and that’s an instruction manual passing for a card effect. I’m packing bonafide, honest-to-God literature up in here.”
“At first I was proud of it,” continued Endymion, “but then today, I looked down for first time and—Egyptian Gods!—where are my legs? Where are my goddamn legs?”
Other monsters expressed concern that, while their ancient spirits remain bound in expensive cardboard, they exist at the whims of the game’s publisher, Konami.
“I understand that long, borderline medical effect text is necessary in a game where the only keyword is ‘Piercing Battle Damage’ and small syntactical differences become meta-defining, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of good art,” said Gunkan Suship Shari, a level 4 vanilla beatstick with no effect and 116 words of flavor text. “Every day I wonder if it’ll happen to me. I know in my rational mind that card text doesn’t just appear and crop your art spontaneously, but it’s a scary thought. Like, erratas do happen, you know.”
“I really am lucky though,” continued Suship. “I’m a Normal monster from 2021. I don’t have to worry about Pendulum effects or Link arrows or being retroactively added to the world’s worst archetype. The worst thing that can happen to me is Konami invents a new font size for ants. In many ways, I’m safe; I’ve already been printed. The agony of my creation is behind me. It’s the other guys I worry about. Have you seen D/D/D Oblivion King Abyss Ragnarök? He didn’t always make that face. He used to smile.”
Following a characteristically well-mannered and proportionate response from the Yu-Gi-Oh community as well as calls from that one player at locals to see PenduLuMoon’s uncropped feet, Konami released a statement hoping to quell players’ concerns for the integrity of the game’s beloved card art.
“We’ve heard our players’ feedback regarding cropped artwork and the eternal physical and spiritual torment that is the fate of every monster sealed within our trading cards,” said Konami. “Rest assured, it is our every intention to rectify one of these things.”
“Yu-Gi-Oh would not be the global success it is without Kazuki Takahashi’s iconic designs,” the statement continued, “to say nothing of the countless other works of card art that have since materialized from thin air and consequently cannot be credited. Unlike other TCGs, Yu-Gi-Oh’s artwork has never been one thing. Our cards cover a myriad of styles, genres, and frankly baffling creative choices— from sexy pots and dripped-out starfish, to Bruce Lee as a mouse and a tomato in jail called ‘Inmato’. While clear and non-conflicting card text is crucial to the health of the game, we understand it’s more important that these creations of a sick mind be seen in their full glory. If you’re here for run-of-the-mill Dark Fantasy, get your balanced ass back to Magic.”
At press time, Konami rejected speculation that Yu-Gi-Oh might implement keywords going forward, citing the game’s pivot away from combat-oriented effects and stating it would be “a cold day in Hell” before a Yu-Gi-Oh card could commit a Crime.
Mom’s New Boyfriend Recent Reviews are Now Mostly Negative
BY NICK COFFMAN
ASHVILLE – Local man, Scott Bailey is in hot water this week after recommending that his girlfriend’s 13-year-old son, Michael Zerg abide by an early bedtime on a school night. Zerg took to shouting negative comments about his mom’s new boyfriend out the window of his second story bedroom.
“Scott Bailey is a phony who treats you nice at first but then he turns on you and tries to act like your dad,” Zerg shouted to anyone who would listen. “He pretends to care about you and does cool things like buy you a new video game or take you out for ice cream. I was misled. I thought he was cool but it turns out Scott is in fact not cool.”
Zerg was not ready to take these atrocities sitting down. His tirade continued as he went into detail about the actions he planned to take against his mom’s bossy boyfriend.
“I have in my hand a petition, demanding that my mom break up with Scott and kick him out of the house,” Zerg shared as he waved a piece of paper out the window to numerous onlookers in the neighborhood. “My brother and I have already signed it. My sister is being weird right now, but she’ll come around and sign it soon. If we get enough signatures, and we will, my mom will have no choice but to meet our demands and kick that loser to the curb.”
Awoken by the commotion outside, Bailey poked his head out of a first floor window to confront the rebellious teen.
“Mike, are you still upset with me, buddy,” Bailey said to no reply. “I only asked you to go to bed, cause your mom asked me to. We know you have that big Algebra 2 test in the morning. Look, I’m still learning how to communicate with you. I love your mom and by extension, I love you and your siblings. Will you please stop review-bombing me to the entire neighborhood and take down your petition?”
At press time, in a sign of solidarity with his new family, Bailey signed Zerg’s petition.
Tinder Announces Switch to Skill-Based Matchmaking
BY Los Angeles – Popular dating app and general hellhole Tinder is reportedly making the switch to skill-based matchmaking, Tinder CEO Faye Losotaluno announced in a press conference Monday.
“We’ve been getting a lot of feedback from our more experienced users,” said Losotaluno. “And these certified sexperts are sick of being paired up with lame-o newbies who can’t hold a conversation to save their lives.”
Losotaluno went on to outline exactly how the new system will work.
“We have already begun the process of assigning all of our users with individual ranks to determine skill level. The ranks, from lowest to highest, are Virgin, Amateur, Pro, Sexpert, Shag Champion, and Legendary Eagle Master, each with their own numbered subranks. Rest assured we are assigning these ranks with no bias whatsoever. I myself am only Sexpert III at this time, but am hoping to rank up soon.”
To wrap up the press conference, Losotaluno spoke of exciting next steps for the app and reassured those who might be frightened of the change.
“Once the ranking system is fully implemented, we really want to focus on multiplayer integration. Our goal is to allow our polyamorous users to ‘party up’ with one another and search for their hook-ups collaboratively. Don’t worry, though, as those of our users who want the more classic, old-school Tinder will still be able to use the app without worrying about rank in what we’re calling Casual Mode.”
Other dating app companies have been notably silent about the change, although the official Twitter account for Bumble followed with an announcement of their own, revealing that Bumble users will no longer be able to view photos of one another before matching.
Tinder users were quick to respond to the sudden change online, with Laura Peterman, 27, tweeting, “Wake up y’all they nerfed incels.”
Other users, however, have been much more critical of the switch. Derrick Castellano, 26, posted Monday, “Tinder rank system is bogus. 50 matches this week and they’ve got me stuck at Amateur II.”
When we reached out to Derrick via DM, we discovered that he had yet to message any of his 50 matches, claiming he’s “holding out for someone better.” We also discovered Derrick is actually 34 years old, and has not updated his pictures since college.
At press time, your friend Walker has already created three smurf accounts on Tinder.
