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Hard Digest May 3: Early Access Björk, Alpha Males, Success, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-04 00:00:03 +0000 UTCReykjavik Residents Reminded to Keep Windows Closed During Annual Björk Spraying
BY REYKJAVIK, Iceland — City officials announced that the annual spraying for feral Björks will begin this week and that residents should take necessary precautions to avoid being contaminated by chemicals, which can be toxic, sources report.
“It’s important that residents know what day their area of the city is being sprayed and to ensure they remain indoors overnight with their windows closed,” reported Gudrun Johannsdottir, a spokesperson for Reykjavik Animal Control. “We really want to stress keeping windows closed, not only to protect residents from the spray, but also the feral Björks which will become agitated and try to seek shelter. While we understand the imposition this puts on folks, it’s critical that we do this to keep the feral Björk population in check because if the ecosystem gets beyond its capacity, they are known to attack random people or record albums like ‘Medulla.’”
Residents expressed their thoughts on the yearly tradition with responses ranging from frustration to casual acceptance.
“I’m wondering if these sprayings actually do anything because each year there seems to be more and more Björks alternating between whispering impishly and shrieking in an ungodly manner at all hours of the night,” stated resident Sigrun Einarsdottir. “Just the other day, one bolted in front of my car in some sort of biomechanical suit and I had to swerve to miss it. They’re also beatboxing in my garden now too. This goes on all night for weeks at a time. I wish the city would do these spraying based on incidents, but who are we kidding, they’ll do the rich neighborhoods first.”
The original Björk issued a public service announcement to prepare the public ahead of time.
“Think of the droplets of this arsenic, wormwood, and saltpeter mix as beautiful, but deadly, notes of music raining down from above,” the singer said while piloting some sort of steampunk helicopter emitting said spray. “Also remember that Björks exist on a very specific diet of nutrients and that introducing other food items can wildly alter their chemical balance making them even more unstable. During sprayings only go outside if there’s an emergenceeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
At press time, Iceland’s main television network announced plans to show Lars von Trier’s “Dancer in the Dark” on a loop during sprays for people stuck at home.
How I Bought a House With Money I Made From Music, Carpentry, Bartending, My Parents, My In-Laws, and Fake Illness on GoFundMe!
BY As a musician, earning enough to buy a house is quite the feat and I’m damn proud of that. Now I can say that I’m a true professional. Sure, I had a touch of help from carpentry, bartending, my parents, my in-laws, and a questionable GoFundme page, but there was definitely some music money in there somewhere!
Let me break down how you can get on my level. First of all, when saving for a house, keep your expenses crazy low. You and seven other adults shack up in a neighborhood next to the dump, or in a flood zone, or maybe you get lucky like me and your cousin has an in with the mole people in the NYC subway tunnels. There’s no shame in a little nepotism. Look at Mikey Cyrus! Basically, you want most of your music earnings going under the mattress. And of course “under the mattress” is just a metaphor. It’s more of a collection of balled-up hoodies.
Inflation these days is no joke, so when I was short on rent, I’d supplement with some carpentry work. It’s $18 an hour, and like 50 hours a week, so there’s no shame in that kind of cushy side hustle. Sure, sometimes I’d have an early gig and my side hustle wouldn’t allow me to leave for my main hustle, but hey, $18 for the hour is better than the $15 I would’ve made to play for 3 hours.
Speaking of side hustles, bartending is where it’s at! It’s a lot like being a rock star… Only better! Swarms of hot chicks pine for your attention, and I make like 10 times more than what I would’ve made playing at that exact venue! If you work at some shit dive that isn’t anal about inventory, you can pocket a ton of the bar sales while slamming free liquor!
Opportunities are everywhere. You’re an artist. Get creative. For example, I started a Gofundme for my son who has a rare blood disorder. Now sure, my “son” was my roommate’s dog and the “blood disorder” was worms, but he calls the thing his fur baby, so son isn’t much of a stretch. That finally got me to the ten grand I needed!
The ten grand should be enough to show your father that you’re done slumming it, and finally ready to settle down with his colleague Charles’ eldest daughter and purchase some property. Once Charles sees how much your dad threw in, his competitive nature will force him to at least match it and you’ll get a house twice as big! And when you’re all settled into your new home, you’ll gaze upon your expertly manicured lawn and feel gratified knowing that a few hundred bucks of that down payment came from music.
Alpha Male Has Nervous Breakdown Attempting To Eat A Banana In Straightest Way Possible
BY SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Self-proclaimed alpha male, Jared Andrews, suffered a nervous breakdown last week when attempting to eat a banana without looking “gay,” authorities reported.
“It took a lot of effort to eat that banana without looking like a blow job wizard,” Andrews said while lifting weights and pounding a protein shake at his local gym. “No one understands how difficult it is for straight men. I can’t even eat a banana in public without people assuming I’m on Grindr with a username like ‘Throatgoatbabyboy.’ I tried eating the banana bit by bit, but that seemed stupid. Then I tried eating it with a fork, but that felt too fancy. I started sweating and hyperventilating so I decided to eat it like a monkey—I gripped it with two hands and shoved it down my throat. I gagged so hard, which obviously made things worse. The whole thing stressed me out so bad I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the Hobby Lobby parking lot.”
Maddy Riviera, the woman Andrews is dating, says his obsession with the banana makes her think he might actually be gay.
“I’m not sure why he thinks eating it a certain way is going to determine his sexual orientation,” Riviera said. “I pointed out how the fact he thinks it’s gross to have sex with me and how he never misses an episode of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ is probably more of an indicator than the banana thing. Normally you have to like other men to be gay, but if you think eating a banana would determine that, you might be aching for the D. Anyway, I recommended he see my therapist to help him work through some of those big feelings.”
Therapist and counselor Dr. Ken Brand told us that Andrews refuses to show up to his appointments.
“Mr. Andrews has called my office several times requesting appointments, but then quickly cancels them,” Dr. Brand said. “He insists that he can’t follow through on attending a session for fear of ‘crying in front of another man,’ which he says is, ‘such a pussy move.’ But, we see this behavior in many individuals dealing with a deep repression. For example, our male patients worry that being kind to women, using a straw, and even wiping after defecating will make them seem interested in other men. It’s quite a problem. Judging by the fact that Mr. Andrews is worried about being perceived as gay every time he eats a banana, I can only assume that he is repressing homoerotic impulses, or in layman’s terms, has an unconscious but fiery desire to enjoy it in the butt.”
Andrews suffered another nervous breakdown after our interview when he used face moisturizer with SPF, which he described as “super gay on so many levels.”
Quick Reminder That If Your New Song Doesn’t Outperform Your Last One, Then It’s Garbage And You’re Trending Towards Irrelevancy
BY Hey there! I see that you’re about to release a new track, so I thought I’d offer some words of wisdom. Your last song did pretty good numbers-wise, so I bet you’d like this new song to get even more streams, so your career really starts to snowball. Well, I’m here to remind you that it fucking better! Because, if not, you, me, your fans, and the whole of the music industry will all know that your new shit is utter trash and your best days are now behind you.
Your career would basically be like a rollercoaster dropping way too soon. And that’s probably what you’d be remembered as… A now-limp rollercoaster with premature ejaculation. Forever too. Because the number of streams beside your track never goes away. Your fans would see that you fell short right away, but for generations to come, anyone who searches your catalog would know exactly where it all went wrong.
Linear growth is the only way to survive in this business. It’s impossible to come back from a “sophomore slump” because when any new music drops, everyone will be like, “Wait, don’t they suck now?” And they’d be right. Because, yes, you were good. But you suck now. It’s a lot like love from a parent. If you’re good one day, they love you. If you’re bad, you need to work your ass off to get their love back.
The worst part is that this new song can be objectively better than your last one. You’re a bit older, wiser, and more seasoned now, so you’re definitely trending in the right direction talent-wise. It’s just too bad that the numbers don’t account for talent and growth. Your peer group and most loyal fans might appreciate that shit, but if it’s not a commercial success, that’ll all just feel like some participation ribbon.
See, it’s this kind of fear that keeps me from releasing any music of my own. I have 12 tracks ready to drop, but I just keep mulling over which order to release them in, since each one will have to outdo the last. I also don’t want to start with the worst song, since I really want my first release to be a critical and commercial success. This kind of indecision can really eat you alive. And since love is results-based, I’m basically governed by the fear of rejection.
You know what? Props to you for having the balls to leave yourself vulnerable to the numbers. It’s commendable. But man you must be shitting your pants right now! Sitting there, finger on the trigger, knowing that the whole world is watching, and wondering if releasing this one track will end your entire career!
