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Hard Digest May 19: Early Access Nirvana Expose, Soul-Crushing Jobs, Friends, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-19 21:00:05 +0000 UTCExplosive Exposé Reveals How Music Industry Created Nirvana To Sell Graphic Tees At Target 30 Years Later
BY JUS KAPLAN
NEW YORK – A tell-all HBO documentary is sending shockwaves through America after revealing the iconic grunge band Nirvana was an industry plant created in1987 specifically to sell branded clothing at Target decades later, the exposé’s director has confirmed.
“For years I heard whispers behind closed doors from industry folks that there was much more to Nirvana’s origin than the media lets on,” said Victor Pomello, the man behind “Something in the Cart: The Untold Truth of Target’s Nirvana.” “Still, I had no idea just how deeply sinister the real story actually was. Our team spent years scouring documents, interviewing hundreds of witnesses, and piecing together the harsh reality: Nirvana was not actually a band, but a carefully crafted campaign orchestrated by savvy marketing professionals to hawk overpriced T-shirts to future generations of impressionable consumers.”
The exposé, which had already climbed to the top of Max’s trending list, has been strongly rebuked by Target executives as “libelous in nature” and “a total farce.”
“Everyone knows that Nirvana formed on their own in Aberdeen, Washington. Our company had absolutely nothing to do with it,” said Target’s Chief Merchandise Officer Patricia Singh, wiping sweat from her brow with an “In Utero” handkerchief. “Yes, Target sells multiple Nirvana-branded clothing items, phone cases, and other products, and yes, they continue to grow steadily in popularity with each passing year, as predict—ahem—as the data seems to be showing. We just got lucky that teens are spending millions of dollars each fiscal quarter on merchandise for an effortlessly cool band that definitely was not concocted from feedback from dozens of focus groups.”
Claiming to have had “no goddamn idea,” Dave Grohl, Nirvana’s drummer from 1990 to 1994, took to Instagram Live to express his astonishment after watching the investigative documentary.
“By the time I joined the band we were already picking up serious steam. We never really talked about the early years or how they actually got started,” Grohl conceded. “Now that I think about it. I do vaguely remember Kurt and Krist sometimes whispering about some weird contract and they always had ‘business’ in Minneapolis. One time Krist got drunk and started referring to the band as ‘Operation Target profit,’ but I didn’t really read into it at the time because we had just signed to Geffen. Fuck man, this is crazy. I can’t believe this. Were the Foo Fighters real? Is anything real? ”
At press time, details surfaced that Weezer reportedly took a $100 million bribe from the California Real Estate Association to release the song “Beverly Hills.”
Opinion: Sure, I Have a Soul-Crushing Job Now but With Hard Work in 30 Years I’ll Be Dead
BY If you’re anything like me, you’ve got a living nightmare of a job that takes every ounce of your being to make it through the workday. The inter-office politics, the endless meetings, the constant email notifications, training seminars, the commute, fucking anything Microsoft, the team-building exercises where you pretend you’re all friends and wouldn’t throw each other under the corporate bus for even a chance at getting more recognition, the drudgery of it all. It can all seem like too much sometimes but I have good news. In just a few decades, if you put in the hard work and with a little bit of planning, once you have reached the right age, you can just die.
But to do this right you need to put in some effort. Once you hit 65 you want your body to stop working in every way possible and surrender to the great unknown. What does that mean? It means go wild with your lifestyle choices now. Eat like shit all the time. This should be easy since the only meal you actually have time to eat is the greasy fast food garbage you shovel down as you sit at your desk. And drink… a lot. Alcohol is essentially poison and if you have enough over the coming years it will hasten your arrival at the gates of the eternal afterlife. Just kidding, there’s no heaven. There’s no anything – that’s the point!
Ask yourself, what is your plan for once the monolithic clusterfuck of Capitalism has squeezed every last bit of labor out of you? Retirement? Nah, not with the kind of money you make. You’d need to work three lifetimes to make that happen. Winning the lottery? An inheritance from some rich uncle you never met? Starting your own successful business selling THC-infused mushroom coffee or some bullshit? These are all pipe dreams which, don’t get me wrong, are a great thing to fantasize about as you stare through your computer screen 9,10, possibly 12 hours a day, but they are not a real plan for your later years. No, the only true way to retire is to accept The Grim Reaper’s cold embrace.
Just think, as you are lying there gasping out your last breath and are about to drift off into the endless void of non-existence all the stress, anxiety, and tear-inducing boredom you had to endure during your time at work will all be forgotten, and will have made no impact on the world in even the slightest way. Doesn’t that just make it all seem worthwhile? It will be a seamless transition off this mortal coil also since you’ve been dead inside for years.
Man Plans to Introduce His “You Don’t Know What Cold Weather Is” Friend to His “This Ain’t a Traffic Jam” Friend
BY CHICAGO – Local man Chad Hester finally made the decision to introduce his “you don’t know what cold weather is” friend to his “this ain’t a traffic jam” friend early this morning, confirmed sources close to the situation.
“I’ve known both for a very long time and, from what I can gather from conversations with them, they’d really hit it off. They’ve got first-hand knowledge of the subjects they love to talk about, sometimes for hours and hours even when people desperately try to change the subject,” said Hester. “Friendship, to me, is all about a true connection and also learning something from a new person. I think they both possess that skill, or talent, if you will. For some reason, it just seems right. I’m actually thinking this could be a beautiful bromance.”
Daniel Dogwood, the “cold weather” friend, recounted an instance where he set the weather record straight with Hester.
“Chad and I were meeting at a coffee shop one day. He made an off-the-cuff comment that we should get inside soon, get some hot coffee, warm-up, and talk. I was like, ‘you’re cold? This is Florida weather, dude! What are you talking about?’ He was confused at first, but after I sort-of set the record straight, if you will and explained that I had been in cold weather that’d make his head spin, I think he understood a little better. Then I lit up a cigarette and was like ‘I’ll see you inside man. I’m gonna stay outside and enjoy this.’”
Randell Worthers, the “traffic jam” friend, reported a palpable excitement regarding his upcoming meeting with Dogwood.
“Chad and I like to take a lot of road trips together to get a lot of male bonding time. He’s always worried that there’s gonna be traffic wherever we go,” said Worthers while gesturing to his Waze app. “I’m always like, ‘dude, I lived in LA and was on the 405 every day. Now that’s traffic. This is nothing. Calm down.’ That’s when the conversation shifted to this new friend he wants me to meet. Guy sounds cool. I love the idea of my mind being challenged, you know? When you stop learning, you stop living. Sounds like Daniel could really match my wits about a lot. I also think I could impart some wisdom on him about some things. Sharing my knowledge is a gift.”
Hester had also expressed that if this meeting works out and the two of them hit it off, he’d be very interested in introducing his, “you think that’s crazy? Listen to this story” friend to his “this ain’t real turbulence” traveling companion.
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