thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest May 23: Early Access Internet Detectives, A24, Jury Duty, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-24 00:00:10 +0000 UTCInternet Detective Only Destroys Three Innocent Peoples’ Lives Before Never Actually Solving Case
BY DAN KOZUH
PADUCAH, Ky. — Self-proclaimed internet detective Ralph “RurualSherlock” Jenkins managed to only wreak havoc on the lives of three completely innocent individuals before promptly abandoning his half-baked investigation in trying to solve the cold case of 21-year-old Cody O’Brien, who went missing in 1997, multiple sources confirmed.
“I saw the ‘Missing Person’ flier at the supermarket and I knew right then and there that it was up to me to crack the case wide open, no matter the collateral damage,” Jenkins recounted while setting up equipment for his new true crime podcast about the case. “Sure, in the early days of the investigation, I may have been a little presumptuous and released the full legal names and addresses of people I thought, at the time, might have information about the victim. Turns out those people actually had nothing to do with it. Several of them had their porches lit on fire and one guy lost his job, but if that means we bring this case to a close, it was worth it.”
However, many of the people that Jenkins accused don’t like being a part of the “collateral damage” in his search for justice.
“I couldn’t figure out why the entire neighborhood was whispering behind my back whenever I went to church,” 88 year-old retiree Mildred lamented, clutching her rosary beads tightly. “All because that bumbling internet ‘detective’ couldn’t distinguish between a kindly old lady and a criminal mastermind. Now I have people spitting on me at the market and for some reason my credit score has been decimated.”
Licensed and insured private eye Bradley Thompson is also growing tired of internet vigilantes getting in the way of investigations.
“As a seasoned private detective, I can attest that amateur online sleuths like Jenkins often leave chaos in their wake, mistaking speculation for investigation. And throwing out any accusation they think might stick in the hopes of getting a HBO docuseries,” Jenkins said during a stakeout. “True detective work demands diligence, discretion, and respect for the lives affected by every case. Unless it’s a cheating husband, then I pretty much am fully responsible for destroying that family.”
As of press time, Jenkins has all but abandoned the search for O’Brien having found an even juicier child murder to sink his teeth into.
Help! I Reached My Monthly Vulture Article Limit and Now I’ll Never Know How John Mulaney Feels About A24
BY JOHN ADKINS
Wow, Vulture. Thanks to your fascist gatekeeping paywall, you stingy bastards have deprived me of learning crucial info in the Mulaney canon. “YoU’vE rEaCheD yOuR mOnThLY aRtIcLe LiMiT?” What are we DOING, Vulture? I’m not built for this! My noggin needs access to random, useless information at all times!
Sure, was I completely unaware that stand-up comedian John Mulaney had anything to say about indie film studio A24 until about five minutes ago and just decided to give a fuck about it. Am I regretting the fact that I wasted all of my “free reads” on four separate articles about the Chris Rock slap even though I already know what happened and watched it happen and it was like two years ago? You bet. But that’s not the point, Vulture!
You could’ve quenched my thirst for knowledge but instead, you decided to smash my curiosity into little Mulaney smithereens. So now I guess I’ll have to check Reddit throws up or make a fake Vulture account under the email “vulturesucks@gmail.com,” assuming it’s not taken, and with these miserly practices, I bet it is!
God, I feel so left out, Vulture! I mean, if I don’t find out what’s on Mulaney’s mind, how will I ever be able to participate in the half-angsty white guy comedy discourse? There are SOCIETAL implications at play, here! Mulaney is the great unifier! He’s the only comic that satisfies the Venn diagram between Mulleted hipsters working at Buck Mason and my cousin from butt-fuck Ohio. So how will I fill my Mulaney void? Well, I’ve already watched the Conan O’Brien Hot Ones interview six times today and it’s kinda totally ruined chicken wings and gingers for me––so that’s out the window! Really, Vulture? You couldn’t let me have a goddamn “four-minute” read? What am I supposed to do with those four minutes now? Just SIT with my FEELINGS?
But yeah, I guess I’ll never know how Mulaney felt about the A24 re-release of Stop Making Sense. Or Dream Scenario. Or anything else involving David Byrne’s big-ass suit. So what, I just need to wait until Mulaney directs a David Byrne biopic?! And maybe Richard Kind can play all four members of Talking Heads? God, this is an incredible idea. I can’t wait for this article to get optioned, but in the meantime fuck you Vulture!
Jury Duty Longest Stretch of Employment Punk’s Ever Had
BY SEATTLE — Juror no. 11, local punk David Martin, told fellow jurors that this is his longest single stretch of continuous employment since entering the workforce as the trial enters its third week, sources reported.
“Usually I pick up odd jobs, give blood whenever, or jerk off into a cup whenever I need extra scratch, so I’m not used to working for this long,” Martin noted while drawing anarchy symbols in his juror notebook. “I tried to get out of this by telling the judge I had some shows coming up, but he called my bluff and asked for flyers so I ended up stuck here, but it’s not so bad. I get paid $15 a day just to listen to these two suits jabber about whether this dude killed someone or not. It’s not as entertaining as ‘Law and Order,’ but I just grab a quick nap when things get boring.”
“The only shitty thing is they don’t feed us, but I can grab whatever leftover food is left on the cafeteria tables and am good,” added Martin, grabbing a half-eaten hamburger from an abandoned table.
Friends were surprised by Martin’s enthusiasm for performing what he described as his “civic duty.”
“David’s an ACAB guy, but I guess as long he’s getting paid he doesn’t care,” said a longtime friend who said his name was “none of our fucking business.” “When the trial started, a bunch of us had bets going to see how fast it would be before he got dismissed or thrown in the clink for contempt, but here we are three weeks later and the guy is a model juror. Personally, I think he’s a bootlicker for responding to the summons, but I couldn’t argue with his logic of having somewhere to be out of the elements every day.”
Experts note that Martin’s embrace of jury duty is common among people on the fringes of society.
“For people without anything to do most of the time, jury work can be appealing,” remarked attorney Dan Abrams. “There are dorks who see getting called for jury duty as a source of pride or some bullshit, but for shiftless layabouts like this lowlife, it gives them a paid way to kill time that also allows them to forget how off the rails their lives have become. That, or the sense of control over another person’s fate. That thought can be very alluring and even arousing to some.”
As of press time, Martin found out that his upcoming drunk and disorderly trial was taking place in the same courthouse as his jury case.
More From The Hard Times:
Every Waxahatchee Album Ranked Worst to Best
Phil Spencer Wrapped in Towel After Suffering Red Ring of Death
BY NICK COFFMAN
REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft Gaming CEO, Phil Spencer, is taking time away from Xbox Studios to recover after coming down with the Red Ring of Death last week.
Spencer’s caretaker and employee, Xbox Dan confirmed Spencer’s condition to reporters lined up outside of Spencer’s 50-room mansion.
“Phil hopped onto his 360 to buy some games before he shuts the store down and that’s when he got hit with the Red Ring of Death but he is doing better this week. He’s inside, wrapped tightly in a high gsm Brooklinen towel, resting on top of an AC vent,” Xbox Dan shared. “He just wants you all to know that he can’t wait to be his regular self again and get back to delivering the games we all love on the amazing Xbox Series consoles.”
Members of the media pressed Xbox Dan for Spencer’s thoughts on the recent closures of Tango Gameworks, Alpha Dog Games, Arkane Austin, and Roundhose Games. Xbox Dan remained tightlipped about the closures but grew violent after one reporter insinuated that Spencer was faking the illness.
“I’ve seen a lot of shots at Phil over these closures. But I know him as a human person. We’re super close and I know that because he told me during an intimate conversation at dinner once,” Xbox Dan shouted, shaking his fist at members of the media. “How dare you all assume he’s pretending to be sick. If he isn’t sick, why have I been shoving pennies into him, trying to get him better?”
Xbox Dan’s shouting was only interrupted when a panicked Spencer exited the residence handcuffed to a headboard and wearing a sweet Sea Dogs t-shirt.
“Don’t listen to anything this man has been telling you. He broke in last week and has been holding me captive ever since. Please save me, he’s been force-feeding me pennies,” Spencer pleaded to reporters. “He doesn’t even work for me, he’s just an Xbox reply guy who I’ve enabled for years. Please save me. I’ll do anything. You want Major Nelson back? I can go get Major Nelson. You want me to tease a game with cryptic t-shirts? I can do that. You want me to guarantee I won’t close any more studios? Well actually, I can’t promise that, but please you have to help me .”
At press time, Spencer approved the closure of four more studios before being evacuated by helicopter to have the pennies pumped out of his stomach.
Gaming Exec Makes First Positive Impact to Company by Passing Away
BY MATT RINGLER
SAN FRANCISCO — History was made this week as Clearsight Games CEO Steve Andman made his first-ever positive impact to the company by passing away.
The Clearsight offices were filled with mostly positive emotions after Andman’s death was announced during an all-hands meeting.
“Honestly, this is the first positive thing he’s done for the company and probably the industry at large,” said QA Lead Stacy Santino. “I’ve been here for eight years and can’t think of one contribution he made to any of our games until now. With him out of the way we’ll have so much more freedom to add features to our games that gamers actually like.”
After the announcement of Andman’s death, workers at Clearsight Games reported their most productive day ever.
“I feel like I’ve gotten a week’s worth of work done today,” said Karl Jameson, a gameplay animator. “Steve used to come in and tell us to make all sorts of changes based on something he overheard two people talking about at a restaurant, then he’d leave for the day by noon. We’d constantly lose days worth of work then a bunch of us would be fired for the delays.”
Steve’s executive assistant, Ryan Altman, expressed more somber feelings upon hearing about Andman’s passing.
“I feel bad for Steve’s family. A family member passing away is sad no matter what. His third wife graduates college next week and I’m sure she would have wanted him to be there.”
While the impact of Andman’s death will no doubt be felt across the company as a whole, his lasting impact will be on the safety of female employees at Clearsight Games.
“I can finally come into work and not have to worry about being hugged from behind or followed to my car,” said Val Johnson, a Network Engineer. “It’s just a huge weight off the shoulders of all the women who work here. I really think this will have a great impact on the office culture.”
At press time, the new CEO of Clearsight announced that Andman’s various Yachts will be sold at auction and the proceeds will go to the hardworking people who make the company what it is, the shareholders.
