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Hard Digest May 24: Early Access Dead Kennedys, IDF, Baja Blast, Buckcherry, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-25 00:00:04 +0000 UTCRight-Wing Punk Revisiting Dead Kennedys Discography Wondering When Band Went Woke
BY LINCOLN, Neb. — Local conservative, and self-proclaimed free thinking punk, Eddie Duff was confused by what he described as “woke propaganda” in Dead Kennedys lyrics while relistening to the band on a recent road trip, sources confirmed.
“I used to love this band. The way Jello said the ‘N’ word in ‘Holiday in Cambodia’ basically gave me permission to say it whenever I want. And these guys really seem to hate California, which I can relate to. I absolutely hate that place, even though I’ve never been there,” said Duff. “Then I listened to some more songs and realized these guys hate the police, which is crazy because cops are here to protect us. They are goddamn heroes in my eyes, any true punk knows that. And as a property owner I really didn’t like ‘Let’s Lynch the Landlord.’ The whole song feels like I’m getting an email from one of my tenants. If they wanted water or heat they should have rented a better place.”
Duff’s teenage daughter Layla was amused by how upset the songs made her father.
“Dad was trying to tell me about how the music I listen to is a bunch of Pro-Biden propaganda and wanted to show me ‘real music.’ After about 15 minutes he shut it off and said I needed to forget about it. Then we drove in silence for almost two hours,” said the 16-year-old. “He really got mad about some Nazi punk song. He kept talking about how it’s a ‘free speech’ thing and Nazis have every right to go to a show as the next guy. His face was so red I thought he was going to explode. Then he tried to tell me that Ronald Reagan was a great president that did a lot for the country and that these old bands had no idea what they were talking about.”
Music historian Clive Weston says a lot of people misinterpret the meanings of classic punk songs.
“I’ve met punks who thunk that ‘Fucked Up Ronnie’ by D.O.A. is a song about how fun it would be to get drunk with Ronald Reagan, and that ‘Rock the Casbah’ is exactly why Western countries need to invade the Middle East,” said Weston. “I think the so-called punks that believe this often have suffered some sort of head injury, or maybe the umbilical cord strangled them when they were born and the lack of oxygen to the brain had a lasting effect. I really can’t explain it.”
At press time, Duff was being rushed to the emergency room after being told about the actual message behind Black Flag’s “White Minority.”
Opinion: As An IDF Soldier Tasked To Train American Police Officers, I Should Also Be Allowed To Kill Unarmed Civilians While I’m There
BY TIM SHEARD
Nothing brings me more pleasure and a sense of purpose in this world than serving my country. Even if that means having to travel to the United States a few times a year to train these idiot Americans on how to properly beat the ever-loving shit out of other human beings. Or as they like to put it “protecting and serving their communities.” I mean, I have my own communities to “protect and serve” at home, ya know?
I don’t mean to complain but if I’m going to be over there watching unarmed civilians through the scope of a sniper, I should be able to pull the trigger and then create a settlement on their land. If I can do it back home with impunity then why can’t I do it over there?
I mean, I get it. We wouldn’t be able to murder a fraction of the children we do back home without the weapons and financing from the United States taxpayers, I’m forever grateful for the war machines they provide. I guess using my tactical weapon and hand-to-hand combat expertise to train their neighborhood foot soldiers to properly do the same is a fair trade.
I just wish someone would give us the green light to catch a couple bodies while we’re there. It’d be great for my TikTok. My followers love getting a peak at what my day-to-day life is like, yeah some commenters say what I’m doing could amount to a war crime, but I’ve never done a single thing wrong, anyone who says so is anti-semitic. Of course, I couldn’t post anything while I was there because of that weird ban or whatever but that’s a whole other conversation.
I don’t even need a gun to kill. I can use a knife, my bare hands, hell I can do it with a straw. Plastic, Metal, one of those biodegradable cardboard ones that immediately turns into goop the second it enters a drink. I actually think it would save American taxpayers a lot of money because I would happily drain the life out of someone’s eyes as a form of payment for my time training. I’m not even joking. For the love of god, if I have to spend another month away from home training American police how to kill innocent people just trying to get by then at least let me get a piece of the action.
Baja Blast Turns to Baja Bummer After Tragic Doritos Locosplosion Causes Nine Dudes To Live No Más
BY MATT HUSSER
LOS ANGELES — A late-night quest for the munchies turned tragic after a violent Doritos Locosplosion ripped through a Taco Bell causing nine dudes to live no más, bummed-out sources confirmed.
“The Taco Bell forensic team is still piecing together the scene, but it appears that a flame ignited a Doritos Locos powder barrel in the kitchen, sending a hellacious amount of hard taco shell-shrapnel into the dining room,” said Taco Bell spokesperson Dante Brooks, lowering the bell outside to half-mast. “It was like a nacho cheese claymore went off, causing mondo mutilation and bodacious bodily harm. We’re just grateful that this tragic accident occurred while the restaurant was empty during the dinner lull—if that Locosplosion had gone off during the 2 a.m. munchies rush, hundreds of dudes in dope-ass Jeeps could have been killed.”
A survivor of the Doritos Locosplosion reportedly survived the incident because he was ‘in the shitter making his own bean burrito’ during the Diablo blaze.
“Normally the Taco Bell bathroom is the last place you’d wanna be, but I’m counting my lucky churros that I was blowing up el baño or it’d be a closed casket supreme for me, too,” said Skyler Morrison, recalling the accident. “As soon as I heard the blast I ran out of the bathroom and slipped on what looked like a pool of fire sauce on the ground. Then I saw this poor dude that got his guts turned to ground beef and I realized that it wasn’t fire sauce at all. That was not muy bien man, not muy bien at all.”
A Taco Bell spokesperson later addressed the media, giving a speech urging the community to come together in light of the tragedy.
“The fabric of our community was torn apart tonight, much like the flesh of that guy that got showered in molten refried beans. But just as the bean and cheese layer holds the cheesy gordita crunch together, we need to unite as a community and honor these nine dudes’ memories by living even más-er,” said Taco Bell communications director Ricky Kline, pinning a teal memorial ribbon to his shirt. “That’s why from this day forward, I urge everyone to always seize the gordita, grab the nachos by the chips, and drink deep from the cup of Baja Blast, because you never know when that sweet sip of nectar might be your last. Vaya con jalapeños, mis amigos.”
Taco Bell CEO Sean Tresvant later released a statement saying this was among the top three biggest Baja bummers in the fast food giant’s storied history, after the tragic “Combination Taco Bell-KFC Fry Grease Bell Grande Incident” and the “1996 Chili Con Chaos Riots.”
How To Get a Woman, Lose the Woman, and Then Get That Woman Back Using Tips From Just One Buckcherry Album
BY Listen up, fellas. We all want to live that Rock N’ Roll fantasy of pickin’ up a hot piece of ass, falling madly in love with her, getting tired of her bullshit, and then begging for her to come back. So I’m here to break it down for you, step by step, using tips from the album “15” by our lords and saviors Buckcherry.
Phase one: Get her. You see a hot little thing across the bar. She’s showing a lot of skin but somehow also wearing a Whitesnake t-shirt and high-waisted leather pants. How do you win her over for a night of sweet lovin in some discount red satin sheets? We turn to “Next 2 You” for guidance. First, insult her taste in music in an offhanded way. Then, reference the fact that everyone talks about how she never puts out. Finally, seal the deal by repeatedly saying how you want to be near her. Once you’re worried you sound like a stalker, do it a little more. It’s a foolproof method of seduction.
Phase two: Lose her. Sure, after shackin’ up for awhile drinkin’ Bud Light every night while going to pound town to an ‘80s Hair Metal compilation, you realized you might actually love this broad. But hold your horses, pal. We’re not at the “stay together forever” part yet. First, you gotta lose her. For this, we follow tips from “Crazy Bitch.” Now, if she’s the kind of woman who doesn’t like being called a crazy bitch, you know what to do. If she’s into it, though, then call another woman a crazy bitch. Make fake nail marks on your back if you have to. Do what you need to do to get through this phase.
Phase three: Get her back. You’re sick without her. You haven’t been sleeping past noon. You can barely eat anything other than Sloppy Joes. You need that sweet bleach blonde, overly tanned woman back in your life. It’s time for the apology ballad, “Sorry.” You need to write your little lady an apology, but you have to make sure it’s from the heart. You’ll have to use really unique and heartfelt emotions like, “I’m sorry you’re blue.” She’ll be crying into your leather bomber in no time.
Bonus phase: Lose her again. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes she cheats on you with your best friend and says she got knocked up even though you coulda sworn she said she went through that mental pause thing. Here, use “Everything” where you talk about how it just isn’t working, but you focus a little too much on the fact that you’ve apparently been junkies this entire time.
You’ll thank me later.
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Pro Smash Player Refuses $1 Million Sponsorship From Old Spice for ‘Ideological Reasons’
BY AKRON, Ohio. — Professional Super Smash Bros. player and current Akron Melee Summit Champion Darnell Storholt shocked the community this week after he turned down a one-million-dollar sponsorship from Old Spice due to what he described as ideological differences with the brand.
Storholt, known in the community as B1gSn1ff, baffled fans and commentators when he and the swarm of flies that perpetually circle him walked off the stage in protest.
“I play Melee because I love the game,” said Storholt from as close as we could get without gagging. “The second corporations stick their noses in that, you have to play by their rules. Everyone has to make a living, I get that, so I don’t mean any disrespect to the players who do accept these sponsorships, but I try to be selective about who I take money from and I refuse to be bought by any company that I cannot endorse ethically.”
Storholt has historically been a vocal critic of Old Spice and the personal hygiene industry in general on his Twitch channel.
“The fact is that humans didn’t need deodorant until the soap industry started brainwashing us through aggressive 20th-century marketing campaigns that we stank. Nobody had a problem with natural odor until a culture of shame was created and suddenly it was a social faux pas to not buy this totally unnecessary product which, I’d like to add, is proven to be carcinogenic but all the research and class action lawsuits regarding that have been actively suppressed by the corrupt fake news media.”
Storholt also claims that he’s been harassed over his beliefs but that has only made him more righteous in his cause.
“People don’t like the truths that I’m telling. They’ve tried to silence me many times. Just this week I got Swatted with the cops saying someone reported smelling a dead body in my apartment but the more they try to keep me quiet the louder I will get,” Storholt screamed to be heard over the hissing of the vultures circling overhead.
At press time, a seagull had begun building a nest on Storholt’s head and reportedly died due to the stench.
DEAL ALERT: I Only Have Sheep
BY NIK THEORIN
ATTENTION, settlers!!
Though it’s not my turn yet, it would be CRIMINAL to stay silent about this incredible deal while it passes you by. As my fellow Catan players, you’re in for quite the treat; and while I can’t say how long this once-in-a-game offer will last, you should TRADE NOW if you want to get in early on my misfortune. I only have sheep.
That’s right: my only 6 is on a sheep tile and the robber has been sitting on my bricks for the last seven turns. It’s this unique and highly frustrating set of circumstances that provides you with the golden opportunity to exploit my downright catastrophic prospects for profit. Not only do I have entirely TOO MUCH sheep, but sheep are, impressively, ALL I possess! And for a wood, an ore, or a shoulder to cry on, my sheep can become YOUR sheep faster than you can say “hey, anyone remember what time we started playing this?”
Need a development card? Take my sheep. Building a new settlement? Take my sheep! Have a sheep port? You lucky bastard. You villain of commerce. TAKE my SHEEP.
KEEP IN MIND! Sheep is the currency of the deprived. In this game, where the Laws of Probability hold no jurisdiction and God hears no prayers, the humble sheep is the only bar on the door to a life lived by the blade. ASK YOURSELF: Why does the robber not build settlements with his wealth of stolen goods? Why stand there no craven kingdoms in the desert? It is because the act of theft is both means and end to him. YOU are in the rare position to forestall my spiritual ruin, and the price won’t get any lower than rock-bottom, so take advantage while you can! Offers start at 1-for-1 and go as high as 2-for-1 or frankly 3-for-1 because I have no ports and am simply that desperate for resources.
DON’T WAIT! DEALS ONLY LAST FOR A LIMITED TIME or a long time if we keep rolling 11s. The second the robber gets moved and I’m forced to ritually slaughter half my sheep rounding down is the second your savings go DOWN THE DRAIN.
ACT NOW for me to throw in the little sculpture I made from my spare roads and settlements while waiting for Jen to realize she can’t pull a win out of her ass this turn.
This Cannes Film Ended Hours Ago and All I Want to Do Is Stop Clapping and Sit Down
BY NICK COFFMAN
If you are reading this, you need to get out of here and get help. I am currently at the Cannes Film Festival and trapped in this standing ovation for a film I can’t even remember the name of. My hands won’t stop clapping and I can’t sit down. I am only able to write this to you, thanks to the fancy new Neuralink I got implanted into my brain (I can afford Cannes so of course I can afford a Neuralink).
Oh no, the film’s director is crying and taking another bow. The smug fuck is using his hands to blow kisses at us. Great, now he’s going on about his rough childhood in Hidden Hills. He’s thanking his legendary producer grandmother and his filmmaker parents for being there every step of the way. If I could do anything but clap, I’d strangle this man. And now he’s going on about the long road it took to get here. What was the road, pal? You ride all the way up the Bd du Midi Louise Moreau (that’s a French road for my uncultured readers, but never mind that, go get help)!
Please, this is no laughing matter. I just met another member of the press who has been trapped here in a standing ovation since 2006. He says his name is Paul, I’m not one hundred percent sure though. I can only hear bits and pieces between thunderous applause. Paul saw Pan’s Labyrinth and has now been stuck in an 18-year-long standing ovation. He had a newborn when he came to Cannes. He just wants to stop clapping so he can hug his now-adult daughter and strangle Guillermo Del Toro.
A blister has formed on my hand. Please help, I can’t stop clapping my blister. This is more painful than watching Megalopolis and Horizon: An American Saga – Chapter 1 back-to-back. I was able to escape those ovations. Why was I so foolish to tempt the fates and see another film? What is all this dogshit? Movies are a business, but why are we in the middle of a literal arms race dictated by standing ovation length? If I could do anything but clap right now, I’d start giving these film nerds a wedgie, starting with that Iger schmuck.
Please, if you are reading this, these people have families and we all just want to go home. I can’t do this anymore. There’s only one way out. Must short circuit my Neuralink by bashing my head into the nearest wall. Here goes nothing. Fadsfadlkjfdskfgjh That hurt. Aldkjaf;alskdfjsaghao c0me oN. Rlnfgw;wwewkrtb Chris PraTt’s a good acTor. Qjwkhfjvnwkwqerg Garfield is PuRE cINeMa. A;ldkfjasd;flk Neuralink Offline.
