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Hard Digest June 11: Early Access Food Trucks, Mentos, Bob Dylan, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-12 00:00:05 +0000 UTCRegrets of Going to Show on Tuesday Night Lessened by Food Truck Parked Outside
BY CHRIS BOWEN
LOS ANGELES. — Local man Derek Mitchum regretted attending a show at The Smell music venue on a work night until a local food truck parked outside to sell artisan poutine, several gravy-stained sources report.
“I immediately had remorse going to this stupid show, but I knew if I didn’t end up going, my lousy conscience would kick in every time I saw my coworker who invited me to watch his band in the first place,” said Mitchum. “And by the time 11 o’clock rolled around, and his band hadn’t even started yet, I was ready to lose it. Then the beautiful smell of gravy, french fries and truck exhaust permeated through the venue. My savior that night came in the form of Pappy’s Poutine. It was the best $27 dollar food truck order I’ve ever eaten.”
Dillon Randoph, guitarist of the band Flow Glow and Mitchum’s coworker, felt the timing of the truck could have been a little more thought-out.
“To be perfectly honest, I think it’s incredibly unfair for these mobile restaurants to come in and take all the attention away from performing artists like myself, regardless of how many local ‘Most Delicious Food Truck to Make Any Event Better’ awards they win,” Randolph stated. “Out of the 15 to 20 people there, I’d say two or three actually saw our set because the rest were clamoring to get in line for food. Hell, even our bass player left the set midway through to order food for himself. The nerve. I mean, he didn’t even get me anything.”
Owner and operator of Pappy’s Poutine Richard “Pappy” Paulson has been the saving grace during many events during his long history in the food truck business.
“Yup, for 12 years now, I’ve helped people cope with the misery of everything from visiting historic museums to parents having to sit through their child’s school plays,” Paulson explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people tell me, ‘I was about four seconds away from throwing myself in front of a bus out of sheer boredom, then you came along.’ I get this feeling almost like I’m letting those folk into my home, sort of taking them under my wing. Maybe it’s the savior thing, or maybe it’s because I literally live here inside the truck. Either way, it’s a reward only a person living the life of a food truck vendor can understand.”
At press time, the venue had to cancel the following night’s show after Paulson and his truck were unable to make it.
Freshmaker My Ass! I Popped a Mentos in Divorce Court and Still Lost Custody of My Kids
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
Every child of the 90’s remembers the legendarily corny Mentos ads, specifically how in every single one of them someone was faced with impending disaster only for them to come out on top simply by popping a refreshing Italian-Dutch candy. They implied that by taking just one, someone would become an instant problem-solving genius, sort of like the Limitless pill but mintier.
Well, I’m here to tell you that’s all bullshit because I popped one during divorce court in a last-ditch effort to keep custody of my kids and I still lost.
Before anyone starts lecturing me (especially if you’re my ex-wife) about not taking a custody battle seriously, just know that I had the odds stacked against me from the start. I happened to throw up last night’s bourbon at the start of the hearing wearing clothes I had worn for three days strait. It was like the universe didn’t want me to have my kids!
I figured popping a minty treat to cover up the smell of bile, along with a wry smile, could give me the insight to argue my case before the state. Clearly, it wasn’t enough for the judge to overlook the fact I spent my kids’ school clothes money on OnlyFans models.
The commercials made it look so easy! Just eat one and you can improvise your way out of any inconvenience and live happily ever after. But when I do it, I’m an irredeemable father and my alimony is doubled. What’s the statute of limitations on suing for false advertisement, or that they taste like old peppermint gum and glue? I’m sure there’s a judge in this courthouse willing to hear that case.
I don’t think I’m the only one who assumed eating a Mentos would easily disprove accusations of child endangerment. This is what I get for buying them in bulk instead of spending that money on a decent attorney! They were in a Foo Fighters video for fucks sake and they’ve never lied to me before!
In hindsight, it was stupid of me to think a breath mint would suddenly give me enough charisma to convince the judge that leaving my kids at the dog racing track doesn’t count as gross negligence. Though I wonder if there’s some other confection out there that could make me look like a decent father? I have another hearing about child support. York Peppermint Patty, don't fail me now!
Linguist Determines Bob Dylan Has Been Unintelligibly Wailing “Please Just Let Me Die” Onstage for Past Two Decades
BY TIM GRAHAM
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Harvard University linguistics professor Anne Pierogi believes she is able to decipher the venerable folk singer’s garbled utterances, report sources who like Leonard Cohen more anyway.
“While Dylan’s vocal delivery has definitely changed over time, it was assumed that he was still singing the same words,” said Professor Pierogi while studying grotesque, close-up images of Dylan’s puckered old mouth. “However, with the assistance of advanced software, I’ve been able to decode what he’s really been singing, and it’s pretty grim. For example, during a 2021 performance of ‘Maggie’s Farm’ he can be heard wailing, ‘I’m eighty fucking years old, put me in the ground already.’ In fact, once translated, most of what he sings at performances these days is some variation on his desperate wish to die.”
Some fans are grateful for the finding, saying that it validates concerns they’d had over late-career Dylan.
“Those of us who suggested Dylan was changing his lyrics were shouted down on the message boards and accused of not being true fans,” said hardcore Dylan-head Nicole Bresnehan. “But it turns out we were right! I first suspected something was up when I swore I heard him mention Dr. Kevorkian during a performance of ‘Positively 4th Street’ at a concert a few years ago. As a lifelong fan, I think I can tell the difference if he sings ‘tangled up in blue’ or ‘tying up a noose.’ In response to the discovery, I’ve started a subreddit called r/euthanize-dylan where fans can discuss humane ways to end his suffering.”
Biohacking expert David Spalding says that management using technology to artificially extend the lives of performers is more common than most people would think.
“There are a lot of people whose livelihoods depend on geriatric rock stars continuing to fill stadiums,” said Spalding while receiving a transfusion of young person blood. “Apparently, Dylan’s handlers force him to wear a mechanical exoskeleton under his clothes which allows him to stand and walk around. Otherwise, he just lays there and moans. Mick Jagger receives daily injections of experimental nanobots which prevent his skin from sloughing off. And you didn’t hear this from me, but supposedly McCartney’s got a prosthetic head.”
As of press time, Pierogi had begun a new project, stating “I’m currently seeking funding to study just what the fuck Mark E. Smith of the Fall was yammering on about for all those years.”
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Garth Ennis Disavows The Boys TV Show for Being Well Written, Coherent
BY CHARLES BILL
GLASGOW – Controversy in the comic book world today as writer of The Boys comic, Garth Ennis, disavowed the television adaptation for being well written and coherent.
“They’ve abandoned my original vision of a horrid edgefest,” explained the very badass and subversive writer. “I write dialogue like a twelve-year-old who just learned the F-word. Sure they curse a lot, but they aren’t using it as a crutch, like me. Also, where’s all the rape? There’s literally no way to indicate that someone is a villain, or even a morally ambiguous hero, without having them commit heinous sexual assaults. Instead they’re obsessed with writing ‘characters’ who have ‘motivations’. That’s not what The Boys is about. The Boys is about vapid, surface level parodies of superheroes that make you feel terrible and empty for having read about them.”
The creator of The Boys television adaptation was distressed to hear the original author’s criticisms.
“I thought my show was plenty edgy,” said great planner of only five seasons Eric Kripke. “We had a guy go into another guy’s dick and jerk him off from the inside, but apparently that’s not good enough. I guess in the next season we’ll have to have scenes of Homelander snorting drugs mixed with Queen Maeve’s vaginal mucus, or Hughie masturbating into a soup that Kimiko then eats. Billy Butcher is going to be wearing a cock ring the entire season so he’s always ready to commit morally gray sexual assaults.”
Ennis is one of many victims of adaptations not following the original author’s intent.
“Many authors will find adaptations not nearly as edgy or transphobic as they had intended,” related literature professor Tom Oleman. “I remember that the Ender’s Game adaptation featured very little Mormon propaganda. There was some, but not enough. It’s very difficult for these authors when they see the products that they worked hard on get substantially improved by better writers.”
At press time, Garth Ennis was trying to sell an adaptation of Crossed, but even more poorly written.
Richter Scale Shattering Earthquake Caused by Gamer Deepening Voice After Discord Call Joined by Girl
BY WORLDWIDE NEWS – States of emergency have been declared as various cities around the globe have been hit by Richter Scale-shattering earthquakes after a voice call on Discord channel ‘Da Pisscord’, populated almost exclusively by men, was joined by a single girl.
“We believe that once the young men realized that a girl had joined the Discord call, they attempted to sound more masculine by deepening their voices,” said Dr. Albert Heidelberg, Professor of Geophysics at Stanford University and renowned expert on seismology. “As they kept talking lower and lower in an attempt to outdo each other, they eventually brought their voices to such a low register that it triggered tremendous seismic activity. Hundreds are presumed dead.”
Earthquakes have occurred in many major cities, such as Los Angeles, London, and every other hometown of Discord members on the call, reportedly causing billions of dollars worth of infrastructure damage and leaving many people without power or shelter. Military and emergency response crews have been mobilized in an attempt to manage the developing crises.
“That was them talking?” asked Jenny McDouglas, also known by her Discord alias ‘bubblegumzyns,’ the girl who joined the Discord call on that fateful day. “I thought they were doing some weird kind of Mongolian throat singing or something. I got on the call to see if anyone wanted to play Rainbow Six Siege. Next thing I know my apartment started to shake and all my pictures started falling off my walls.”
Experts have advised all male users of Discord to please talk within their normal vocal register whenever a girl joins their Discord call. Experts added that artificially deepening your voice is not only a threat to public safety, it also does absolutely nothing to increase your chances of getting laid.
“The earth cannot handle the weight of all the pathetically fake deep voices of so many horny gamers,” said Dr. Heidelberg.
“I don’t know what they’re talking about,” said Stephen Armstrong, known on Discord as ‘PepperoniBrony’, in a ridiculously low register as the room trembled. “This is my actual voice. I’ve sounded like this since I hit puberty. Guess I just have more testosterone than most other guys. Did you guys talk to bubblegumzyns? Was she cute?”
Before Stephen could provide further comment, National Guardsmen entered the room and restrained Stephen, covering his mouth with duct tape to prevent further catastrophes.
