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Hard Digest May 30: Trump Trial Updates, Early Access Instagram Doctors, Barenaked Ladies, Blood Donations, and More
🕑 Added 2024-05-31 00:00:06 +0000 UTCDonald Trump Announces Sweeping New Policy On Prison Reform
BY NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump announced a sweeping series of policy changes intended to overhaul the United States prison system shortly after being convicted of 34 felonies related to falsifying documents, campaign officials confirmed.
“I love the criminals, I always have,” said Trump in an impromptu press conference outside of a Manhattan criminal courthouse this afternoon. “That is why today, after a long 30 minutes of crafting policy, I am releasing a set of proposals to completely reform America’s crumbling prison system. Don’t even the lowliest felons among us deserve king sized beds and personal valets? Angela Davis said that to me once. We love Angela Davis, don’t we folks?”
While the new policy completely changes Donald Trump’s stated views on “law and order,” it’s unclear if it will lose him any support from his faithful supporters.
“I think compassion to felons is what this country was founded on,” said Blake Nerney, as he furiously scraped a rusty pocket knife on his “LOCK HER UP” forearm tattoo. “I’ve always believed this, ever since today: everyone deserves a second chance. This country has serious, systemic issues with its jails, so it makes sense to me that Trump is the guy who is finally going to do something about it.”
Prison abolitionist and activist Lena Olbert views Trump’s change of heart with skepticism.
“While I obviously appreciate his suggested policy changes here, I can’t help but think there is some sort of ulterior motive,” said Olbert from her shoddy desk. “I, too, want to end the epidemic of mass incarceration and racially-motivated arrests in the United States. But based on Trump’s current positioning of, well, being a convicted felon, I honestly have to say that this is the most bald-faced last-ditch attempt of all time to save his own skin. What a fucking spineless asshat.”
When reached for comment, Trump campaign’s spokesman claimed that the policy is firm, unless the appeal goes how they want, in which case they do reserve the right to take-backsies.
Juror in Hush Money Trial Unsure if Box of Trump Steaks and Honorary Degree From Trump University Meant to be a Threat
BY NEW YORK – A juror involved in former President Trump’s ongoing hush money trial discovered a box of Trump Steaks and a Degree from Trump University and is unclear whether the items are meant to be a bribe or a threat, anonymous sources confirmed.
“It was about 3 a.m. when I heard a knock on my door. I went to see what the noise was and found a cardboard box and an official-looking envelope with my name on it in the hallway. The bottom of the box was absolutely soaked and the smell was something I’ll never forget,” said the juror. “When I opened it I found a box of assorted expired meat and a photo of Trump that said ‘Congratulations on the beef.’ The envelope was equally disturbing, it was an official degree with my name on it from Trump University saying I majored in ‘Dealmaking.’ I wasn’t able to get back to sleep, I’ve been terrified that they might deliver another Trump branded product to my room.”
Court officials say they have done everything they can to keep the jurors safe from threats and any forms of influence, but will now have to increase security.
“We’ve kept the juror hotel a secret from the public so someone on the inside must have made this delivery. We will get to the bottom of this, our first order of business is to interview every member of the staff from Long Island to see if they had any involvement because it’s without a doubt one of them,” said security liaison Ernie D’Amato. “We are also going to leave some animal traps baited with Filet-O-Fish from a nearby McDonald’s in a few egresses throughout the building. We’ve had good luck with that in the past.”
The former president made it clear that he was not involved in any way with juror tampering.
“This is another attack from the radical left trying to make me the bad guy. But I’m sure it was like Christmas morning when that juror saw all that delicious meat, and you know there is a war on Christmas right? When I’m re-elected I’m going to make every day of the year Christ’s birthday, I will, he was a great man. He deserves more birthdays,” said Trump. “Any of the jurors that help to get me acquitted will be given high leadership roles in my next administration. You say I’m not guilty, then guess what, you can be my Secretary of State. Now that’s a deal.”
At press time, Juror number 11 was rushed to the hospital after accidentally coming in contact with the contents inside of a Trump branded cologne.
Instagram Doctor Has To Tell Patient They’ll Be Unalive In Two Months
BY CHARLES BILL
LOS ANGELES – Instagram doctor Brenda Rinaj, known as @CurezUGood, was faced with the tragic task of letting a patient know that they’ll be unalive in two months, sources confirmed.
“I hate this part of the job. Having to tell someone their grim prognosis in an advertiser-friendly way is nearly impossible in this day and age,” explained oncologist and social media superstar Rinaj. “I post all of my patients on Reels and TikTok, so I have to be very careful to avoid saying any words that conjure up the universal constant of death. Just today I had to tell a young man he has stage four pancreatic cancer, or as I call it online ‘Big Bad C@ns3r’ with the skull emoji. In two months they’ll be unalive, and I’ll have to attend their ‘bye-bye party,’ which is what I have to call funerals.”
Although the breaking of the news was unpleasant, the patient was happy his doctor’s organic reach was not punished because of insensitive language.
“Dr. Rinaj started our appointment by setting up a camera in the corner and dancing,” said terminally ill patient Don Jay. “Then she dabbed, which even I know is unpopular nowadays, and then came over and told me the terrible news in such a kind and confusing way that it took me a while to process it. Mainly because I had to look at Urban Dictionary to see what the hell she was talking about. I asked the doctor if there was anything she could do, but she told me I have a critically low rizz count, and she couldn’t help me. It was a horrible experience, but at least she didn’t use words like ‘death’ or ‘fatal,’ because those words scare me and I don’t want people to earn any money if they use them.”
After seeing the success of @CurezUGood, Rinaj’s hospital decided to make policy changes to become more in line with our internet-connected world.
“Every diagnosis from now on needs hashtags,” demanded Chief of Medicine Paula Bloom. “I want #inoperable, #metastasizing, and #kidneystone. Social media attractiveness is the only thing that matters in this day and age. If we want people coming in to get dialysis, then we need to wow them with dancing doctors, nay-naying nurses, and orderlies that stay out of sight because they’re not important. We are even putting together a program to get all of our doctors Brazilian Butt Lifts and LinkTrees that really only direct to a single place.”
At press time, Dr. Rinaj had to tell another patient that there was a whoopsie, and now there’s a glove inside of him.
My Father’s Funeral Was Hard Enough Without The Barenaked Ladies Strolling In And Laughing Their Asses Off
BY KYLE DONLEY
My Uncle Ted stood at the lectern, tears in his eyes reciting “Auld Lang Syne”, when off in the distance an El Camino could be seen zig-zagging its way down the main path of the cemetery. As they pulled closer into view, I could make out five jovial-looking men hanging out of the car. The men giddily threw popcorn at each other and took turns pretending to surf. They hopped out of the El Camino laughing uncontrollably as they did spin moves around the surrounding tombstones.
Shit. It was the Barenaked Ladies and they only came here to do one thing.
Panic washed over me, their laughter unceasing and increasing in volume. “I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral/Can’t understand what I mean/You soon will.” The threat had always been there but it truly never occurred to me, therefore preventative measures had not been taken. Things were starting to get out of hand here. First my father’s “forever” suit shrunk at the dry cleaners, then the hearse turned out to be just a PT Cruiser, and now the Barenaked Ladies were here making good on the funeral thing? FML.
And why were they only doing the funeral thing? They weren’t getting Frantic like Harrison Ford. Or having tantric sex like Sting. Nor did they have the values of LeAnn Rhimes for that matter. In an effort to ease tensions, I even asked one of them if they had any chickitty China the Chinese chicken and he didn’t even know what I was talking about!
And ya know, if it was just one of the guys from the band, that would maybe be permissible. But it was all five! The original line-up with Steven Page!! They don’t even tour with him anymore but apparently they still laugh at funerals together? SMH.
Poor Uncle Ted ambled to his seat, furtively glancing over towards the Barenaked Ladies, cackling hyenas, eternal harbingers of death laughing into the faces of some of my dad’s pickleball friends, Ed Robertson giving my Aunt Helen a back rub. How was I gonna get my dad’s funeral under control now?
“Can someone please tell me what’s so funny about pancreatic cancer!?” I shouted. A hush fell over proceedings. I had officially made a scene at my father’s funeral. SMDH.
They laughed all throughout the post-funeral banquet as well, which is never clearly implied in the song!
Metalhead Has To Donate More and More Blood Just to Get Buzzed Anymore
BY DAN KOZUH
CHICAGO — Local metalhead and avid drinker Stephen Mullins realized he needs to donate increasingly larger amounts of blood and plasma just to achieve the lightheaded euphoria he once enjoyed, employees at the Cook County Red Cross have reported.
“It used to be so simple. I would donate a pint of blood and they’d give me $15, which was more than enough because I only needed like one beer to get tipsy,” sighed Mullins while donating for the second time that day. “I’d get that nice floaty feeling. But now my tolerance has shot through the roof. I’m practically bleeding myself dry in some fucked up psuedo-Satantic ritual just to feel anything. Not only that, the cost of beer is through the roof and blood banks just don’t pay like they used to.”
Mullins’ economical method for achieving a buzz has left many of his fellow metalheads concerned.
“Stephen feels like he found a workaround to getting wasted but even though we all tend to look pale and strung out, Steve looks like a corpse, and not in a fun way. He only wears long sleeve band shirts to hide all the marks on his arm from all the donations,” Claudia Elliott, guitarist for the Chicagoland mental outfit Eternal Carnage said after picking Mullins up at the blood bank where he was too weak to walk. “We keep telling him he can just drink more beer–we will even buy it for him, but he refuses.”
Experts, meanwhile, are weighing in on the peculiar trend with a mix of curiosity and concern.
“While donating blood is generally a noble act, doing so to achieve a state of intoxicated euphoria is highly unorthodox and potentially dangerous, especially when mixed with alcohol,” hematologist Emily Greene explained. “The human body can only handle so much blood loss before serious health issues arise. Mr. Mullins’ case highlights the need for safer, healthier ways to seek thrills within the metal community, like freaking out your mom with scary makeup like you used to.”
As of press time, Mullins was found Googling if those vampire goth night clubs in movies like Blade actually exist and how to get invited.
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Nepal Releases Mt. Everest Fast Pass
BY GARY KERLS ON MAY 30, 2024
KATHMANDU, Nepal — In response to the rising number of people attempting to summit Mt. Everest, the Tourism Board of Nepal has partnered with the Walt Disney Company to expedite the treacherous mount for the highest-paying climbers.
“It’s with great honor that we can bring this experience to tech moguls and hedge fund owners who want to summit the tallest peak on earth,” says Josh D’Amaro, Chairman of Disney Experiences. “The attraction, which we are calling ‘Everest: The Expedition,’ will be the most immersive mountain climbing simulation in history. Climbing Mount Everest is one of the most fulfilling experiences one can have in life and we believe that it is our duty to make sure the rich and privileged can experience it before everyone else.”
After noticing growing queues at the mountain’s peak, along with a large sum of money lost from climbers who never make it back down, the government of Nepal looked to the American media conglomerate for guidance.
“Hardly anyone dies in Disney World,” said Dr. Dhananjay Regmi, CEO of Nepal’s Tourism Board. “They’ve got space mountains, splash mountains, and even their own Everest! Not to mention the floating mountains of Pandora: The World of Avatar,” he gleefully exclaimed wearing the iconic Mickey Mouse ears.
The government-funded attraction, which is set to open during peak climbing season 2025, will combine Disney’s patented Imagineering Technology with their universally beloved queueing philosophy.
“We’re going to take everything you love about waiting in lines at Disney World and bring it right here to Nepal!” Imagineer Joe Rohde told the press. “After returning a few artifacts we totally and legitimately borrowed to decorate our Asia pavilion, and spreading just a little bit of pixie dust, we’ll have you 29,032 feet above sea level in no time!”
The fast pass, which will require the purchase of a ticket into Everest base camp – as well as a wearable ‘Everest Band’ at an extra fee – will allow the guest to book a Disney-appointed sherpa for the climb. However, sherpas are limited, and booking windows fill quickly after being posted at 7 AM NPT.
At press time, Nepal’s Board of Tourism hinted at a possible Yeti encounter for those who purchase the FastPass+ ticket.
Man Logs 2000 Hours Being Wrong and Weird About Games Online
BY WORLD WIDE WEB — Michael King has now logged over 2000 hours being wrong and weird about video games online, impressed sources confirmed.
“I mean yeah of course he’s wrong, lots of people are,” one online onlooker said. “But he’s also managed to be consistently weird the entire time as well. 2000 hours, and not a single normal thing has come out of him. Obviously you might think it’s easy to be weird about digital pubic bones on video game characters but he’s taken the whole thing to the next level.”
King, a self-described champion of the silent Gamer majority, credits an attention to detail and dedication to his craft for the successful run.
“It’s not as easy as it looks,” King said. “I rewrite each sentence over and over again until there’s not even the smallest amount of self awareness left in it. It can take me hours to write a single tweet about video games which is sufficiently wrong and weird. I have to be one of the top 5 in the world right now.”
Experts say King is truly one of a kind.
“A lot of people have attempted to do what he’s done, but no one else has the staying power,” Daniel Cunningham of the Gamer Performance Institute, which tracks online stats for Gamers, said. “We’re talking petitions, podcast appearances, meltdowns, sting operations, discord drama – just every situation you can think of and this guy doesn’t break from being wrong and weird for a second. He’s one of the all-time greats.”
Many in the field have opinions on how King operated at such a high level for so long, with comparisons to the late-great Notch being thrown around.
“Everyone knows he’s weird and wrong, sure – but one of his overlooked abilities is how desperately, painfully horny he also appears,” Tammi Hallow, a researcher with the University of Melbourne’s performance psychology department added. “He’s so inherently horny he doesn’t even seem to understand that all his fixations and takes have a deep sexual undercurrent. And he brings that out into public. Routinely. This really adds to the weird factor and I think his imitators and competitors would be wise to follow the strategy if they ever want to catch up.”
As of press time King was reportedly watching a trailer for a new game and cooking up one of the most impossible to ignore, hyper engaging, weird takes of all time.
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