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Hard Digest July 1: Early Access Band Photos, Mental Health Walks, Cowboy Hats, and More
🕑 Added 2024-07-02 00:00:05 +0000 UTCMetal Musicians Visiting Dead Friend in Cemetery Might as Well Take Band Photo While They’re There
BY CORY COUSINS
TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. — Members of the local death metal band Flesh Quilt figured it would be a wasted opportunity to not take a killer band pic while at the cemetery after visiting their recently deceased friend, confirmed sources who couldn’t argue with that logic.
“Look, I don’t see what the big deal is,” noted Flesh Quilt vocalist Broderick Landingham. “I don’t think it’s in bad taste to take some promo shots right after visiting our friend’s grave who recently died after a courageous battle with brain cancer. It’s just smart time management. Plus the setting is perfect; sad-looking cherubs on top of a mausoleum, crows perched atop gnarled oak trees, an old man crying on a bench. This place screams death metal band pic, maybe even an album cover!”
Cemetery groundskeeper Gordon McSwindlon shared a different opinion about the musicians taking pictures in such a somber place.
“Pests! That’s what I think about them,” exclaimed McSwindlon. “These devil-looking weirdos dressed all in black are harder to get rid of than a family of groundhogs. They’ll be doing these strange poses in front of tombstones, skipping around with candles, and sitting up in the trees looking very moody. Then they take pictures of the whole thing. I just don’t get it! I usually just spray them with bear mace and they scatter like cockroaches. This cemetery is infested with metal bands.”
The ghost of their deceased friend was heard disapproving of the band’s actions.
“Boo! Just kidding. Sorry,” mused the local cemetery ghost and former Flesh Quilt bassist Miranda Baxter. “Well I see that they’ve moved on very smoothly without me. I’ve only been dead for like a few weeks. Death isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s mostly boring. I mean, yes it’s pretty metal to fly around and scare people and stuff, but that gets old pretty quick. Did they even think to ask me to be in any of their precious band shots? No. I mean, I’m a literal ghost. Seems like a no-brainer. But that’s not new, since they never invited me to photoshoots when I was living.”
At press time, the members of Flesh Quilt felt it would be wise to take some backup photos while visiting the guitarist’s nephew at the local children’s hospital.
How to Support Your Friends as They Experiment With Wearing a Cowboy Hat
BY IAN STEFFÉ
It’s alarming. Your friend took a trip to Santa Fe after a grisly break up and the first thing you see when you’re catching up over drinks is a curl-brimmed 400-dollar Stetson on their heads. What happened? They’re not losing their hair. They were never really “hat guys” in the first place. And now with this thing on their heads, how are you supposed to keep it together? Follow our step-by-step guide and you will be able to make it through this with your friendship still intact.
Stay Kind and Calm
When you see this kind of behavior for the first time, it is important to maintain your composure. They’re trying out something new and they might already be a little insecure about it. You have to remember lines like “breaker breaker 1-9, we have an incel moseying up to a high top table” are just going to alienate them during a very vulnerable time. You need to be steady and calm, and you certainly can’t reference that they look like Johnny Depp choking down a margarita and practicing for the deposition. Just stay gentle, and help them come to their own conclusion that literally everyone is laughing at them.
What if They Don’t Want to Listen?
Despite your best efforts, your friend might become increasingly resistant to any advice, especially because this hat has somehow bred confidence. That extra squeeze of tension on their heads makes them cut off arguments and claim they know better automatically. Sometimes, they’re also too distracted. Maybe a flawed 4K transfer on a Criterion release has made them too hostile and violent for self-reflection. This can be a hard phase, but all is not lost unless these next factors come to fruition.
When to Seek Assistance
More than 2 of these symptoms are grounds for assistance from a healthcare professional.
Their playlists are heavy with Townes van Zandt, ‘90s Hip Hop, and anything else they heard being played in a farm-to-table restaurant.
Constantly showing you Kill Tony and One Bite Pizza Review videos.
Conspicuous copy of Bukowski’s poetry hanging out of their satchel.
Posts a staged picture of cigarettes and a typewriter on social media with a caption like “Hello old friend.”
Claims to have bought turquoise from the guy American Spirits based their logo on.
Helpful Literature
Not much has been produced academically, but their assumed ownership of copies of “Infinite Jest” or “People’s History of the United States” could be blunt enough for physical re-education without leaving a mark.
Scientists No Longer Recommend Mental Health Walks Due to the Negative Effects of Seeing All the Houses You’ll Never Afford
BY STANFORD, Calif. — Researchers at Stanford University made a shocking discovery and no longer recommend taking mental health walks due to the high chance current renters will see houses that they’ll never be able to afford, multiple depressed sources confirmed.
“Yep, walking used to help. But our study revealed that these jaunts led to people realizing they will never afford their own home and will be stuck in the same one-bedroom apartment forever,” said lead researcher Megan Tumwater. “It’s something about how walks used to mean nature and fresh air, but now, when millennials see houses, they just burst into tears. We’re calling it ‘masochistic window shopping.’ The sad truth is that while depression rates have continued to climb, housing costs have gotten even higher. I’d comment more on the interconnectedness of these issues but the university supervisors have only hypothesized that ‘maybe if they weren’t so lazy they could afford a $100,000 down payment.’ My supervisors are all boomers who own multiple homes.”
Millennials, as well as some Gen Xers who fumbled the bag when they had a chance, are reacting to this news with mixed emotions.
“If you can believe it, I used to actually like seeing the pretty houses in my neighborhood. It was kind of aspirational,” said 34-year-old engineer Eric Del Rosso. “But now that it’s clear I’ll be stuck sleeping in shifts in a studio I share with five other people and three dogs for the rest of my life despite working 50 hours in a highly skilled trade, I just can’t stomach my little midday stroll. You can only see so many five-million dollar one-story homes while on your lunch break without it making you want to take a mental health nap in the fetal position.”
Well-being professionals are now scrambling to adjust best practices accordingly.
“One might try walking in circles in their apartment, though if the square footage is under 500 this may cause dizziness,” said Sandra Clark, a licensed clinical social worker with 1 million subscribers on YouTube. “In such cases, you might drive to a, ah, less desirable part of town for a walk. But even those may have houses you’ll never afford because the cheapest houses on the market are currently $800,000, so use discretion. Like and subscribe.”
With this groundbreaking discovery as a jumping-off point, researchers are now looking into the strange link between depression, having eyes, and merely existing in the world.
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Scientists Claim Kickstarter Now Leading Cause of Getting Sad Little Package in the Mail in Three Years
BY NIK THEORIN ON JULY 1, 2024
PHILADELPHIA — Scientists have warned users off Kickstarter this week after revealing the popular crowdfunding site is now the leading cause of getting sad little packages in the mail in three years, sources report.
“I was combing through the yearly data on depressing, over-taped parcels arriving at your doorstep sometime in the next two to six years, when I made a concerning discovery,” said trends forecaster Aimee Rorke. “Turns out, we’re seeing record numbers of crumpled, gut-wrenchingly earnest little packages with enclosed thank you notes and a complementary sticker that’s going right in the trash, but not from the usual suspects. eBay, Etsy, care packages from a try-hard relative— those are all still contributing factors, but the numbers don’t lie. This influx was coming from somewhere else: Kickstarter.”
“Most people think of Kickstarter as the crowdfunding website that allows creatives to fail publicly and at a scale previously thought impossible, but it’s actually much more than that,” Rorke continued. “On the contrary, it’s more useful to think of Kickstarter as a well-oiled machine that turns $40 into comically undersized packages with several years of delays. We’re talking packages with one massive, squished-in corner. Mail bomb-ass packages. Packages that look like they’ve been thrown out of a plane but are far too personalized to have been delivered to you accidentally.
“Then there’s that second factor: time. See, the timescale we use to measure most deliveries in the United States is incompatible with this recent spike of packages. That’s because Kickstarter rewards operate on what scientists call ‘Deep Time’, which is used to measure things like the shifting of tectonic plates or someone explaining the rules of a board game. In short, a sad little Kickstarter package can arrive anywhere between one and seven years after you threw your money in a hole, if it arrives at all. That’s a scary thought, and one backers are experiencing more and more often as this phenomenon grows.”
Even as the link between Kickstarter and the UPS man handing you a lumpy manilla envelope with no label to speak of becomes irrefutable, frequent backers report they’ve already started growing accustomed to the chaos inherent in the crowdsourcing cycle.
“The risk is part of the charm,” said Samantha O’Hare, a backer whose likeness has been immortalized on cards in at least twelve different extinct TCGs after donating to their highest reward tiers. “It’s like gambling with slightly better odds. I ante up, spin the big wheel, and who knows? Will the project get funded? Will my branded pins, digital wallpapers, two posters, and starchy t-shirt get stuck in a production timeline that lasts my entire adult life? Or will I receive a weather-beaten little box on my doorstep in three years when I’ve completely turned my life around and it gets me hooked on backing again? You don’t know until you spin!”
Following publication of the concerning data, Kickstarter released a statement hoping to quell user anxieties about their infamously hands-off approach to rewards fulfillment.
“We at Kickstarter remain deeply proud of the platform we’ve built together with our community,” the statement read. “Kickstarter can be the first or final rung on the ladder to independent success. It’s a place where the biggest projects can take that last step to production and distribution. It’s a place where even the smallest creative voices can find an audience. A place where we have bulletproof liability, so don’t even try it. But more than that, it’s a community where you can watch the light fade from a creator’s eyes in real time as their campaign fizzles into anonymity.”
“All those things make Kickstarter what it is, and what it is isn’t perfect,” the statement continued. “But neither is art. Art is messy. Art is imperfect. Art is a decades-long struggle between the needs of self and the expectations of others. Sometimes you put it all out there and no one shows up. No one reads, watches, backs. Sometimes you succeed, but more often, the best you have in you is getting back up. Sharpening your pencil. Wetting your brush. Because the best revenge in a society where the artists are condescended and undervalued is to keep giving yourself to the world. Sometimes, you fail. Sometimes the world gets nothing. But sometimes—sometimes—the world gets a little package. And that’s enough.”
At press time, Kickstarter requested that further inquiries be directed to a customer service representative, who would get back to users within three to five business years.
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