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Hard Digest June 12: Early Access Taylor Swift, Rivers Cuomo, Mickey Mouse, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-13 00:00:04 +0000 UTCGuy Who Hates Taylor Swift Finally Hears One of Her Songs
BY WORCESTER, Mass. — Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music since the Spice Girls,” sources confirmed.
“I thought the song ‘Fortnight’ kinda had a cool ‘80s vibe, but I was still unsure if it was good, because there was some girl singing, and you know, that can go either way,” said Simmons. “But then I recognized Post Malone’s voice. That’s how I knew it was a cool song. That guy’s an OG. So, in essence, I guess I do like Tay Tay songs, but only when Post Malone sings them. I’ve been called a misogynist in the past. But I don’t think I am. Simply because I have no idea what that word means.”
Friends of Simmons were visibly irritated while trying to hold a conversation with him about music.
“He’s the most frustrating person I’ve ever met. He constantly talks about how awful her music is, but can’t name one of her songs,” said Mike Dorland, Simmons’ coworker at Market Basket. “I asked him once what he hates about her, and he said he only likes ‘punk and heavy stuff.’ But when I checked if he wanted my extra Bikini Kill ticket, he went on his phone for a sec and then said he doesn’t listen to ‘chick music.’ He clearly had no idea who they were and just looked them up right then.”
Dr. Karen Murray, a professor of cultural studies at Boston University, hypothesizes that Simmons’ behavior is part of a larger movement of men who have strong opinions, but don’t want to put the time in to do the research to back up those beliefs.
“There are lots of guys like Harris who can’t stand Taylor Swift on principle. And honestly, as one of the biggest pop stars in the world, she’s inevitably going to attract lots of negative attitudes,” said Dr. Murray. “However, unlike those who dislike her due to her overuse of private planes, her being a member of the billionaire class, or just plain old not enjoying her music, those like Harris seem to find the fact that she’s a woman, classically attractive, and has never had sex with them to be the major reasons they dislike her.”
At press time, Simmons was seen listening to a Beyonce song for the first time, despite years of saying Jay-Z made superior music.
5 Reasons Why I Think Rivers Cuomo May Be Inhabiting My Garage
BY It’s not uncommon to run into the occasional pest while cleaning out your garage, but when I stumbled upon a small nest in mine littered with guitar picks and a dorky pair of glasses, I was perplexed.
After browsing a few homecare reddits and listening to the Blue album a few more times, I’ve narrowed my mystery pest down to either Rivers Cuomo or a particularly nostalgic muskrat. Gun to my head, my Money is on Cuomo.
You may find it hard to believe that Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo is now living among my 2012 Kia Optima and my beer fridge, but here are 5 pieces of hard evidence that say it is so.
My Old D&D Box Is Open
While I briefly dabbled in tabletop gaming in high school, my once-forgotten box of monster manuals and dice inexplicably reappeared on my garage shelf. Stranger yet, the box had been left open and I was sure that my D8 was missing. No other pest would have foraged for such materials than Mr. Weezer himself.
I Hear Noises at Night
Common vermin typically make skittering noises or at least a subtle indicator of their infestation. Usually, this isn’t something that keeps me up at night, but someone’s been playing stupid songs on his electric guitar well past 2 AM. While the common muskrat is known to be active during these hours, they are notoriously poor at nailing the F chord.
Someone Keeps Hanging up KISS Posters
Having not owned a single KISS poster in all my life, I was perplexed to see pictures of Ace Frehley strewn across my garage walls. They are far from my favorite rock group, and Ace Frehley is far from even being my favorite member. The Kitty Pride poster I may have hung after a night of drunk Amazon ordering, that’s on brand, but I’m like 90% sure I had nothing to do with the KISS stuff.
I See Him Scamper Away When I Open The Door
After getting home from work and opening the garage door, I was shocked to see a Cuomo-shaped figure snatch up his X-Men comics from the ground and dash behind a stack of cardboard boxes. At that point of the day I was too tired to confront him, and promised myself to look for my can of Raid in the morning.
He Left Me a Note
Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence was when I found a note taped to the windshield of my car from Rivers himself. He declared my garage was where he “belongs”, and promised me that during his residency in my car port that I would never hear him sing his song. There were also a bunch of droppings everywhere though, so maybe I have a Rivers Cuomo AND a muskrat?
Mickey Mouse Fired From Disney After ‘90s Airbrushing of Him Smoking Joint Surfaces
BY DAN KOZUH
GLENDALE, Calif. — Disney’s beloved icon Mickey Mouse was unceremoniously fired after a decades-old airbrushed image of him smoking a joint recently surfaced online, Disney executives confirmed over the weekend.
“It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the termination of Mickey Mouse from the Disney family. We hold our characters to the highest standards of conduct and family-friendly values. Unfortunately, this particular image is not in line with the values Disney upholds,” stated Disney CEO Bob Iger in a solemn press conference. “This, sadly, comes right on the heels of us having to let Snow White go after a provocative, compromising image of her was found tattooed on the forearm of a motorcycle gang member in Sturgis, South Dakota. We have a zero tolerance policy here, and no exceptions are allowed.”
When reached for comment, Mickey Mouse himself denied any wrongdoing.
“That isn’t even me, folks! It looks nothing like me. This was done by some crappy street artist in Wisconsin Dells in the ‘90s. I’ve never been to The Dells! I’m contractually bound from ever going into a competitor’s theme park,” the once beloved entertainer said in a statement. “There are countless counterfeit renderings of me out there. I don’t want to point fingers, but Bart Simpson hasn’t been canceled for all of the crappy tie-dyed t-shirts of him saying some really bad stuff and even wearing blackface. The entire Looney Toons group did a photoshoot of them dressed up as ‘gangsta rappers.’ The ‘90s were a weird time, folks!”
Experts on corporate culture and media image have weighed in on the controversy, noting the complex dynamics at play.
“This incident highlights the pressures faced by long-standing brand icons to maintain a spotless public image,” explained Dr. Emily Greene, a professor of media studies. “The ’90s were a decade of artistic experimentation and rebellion, with trends like airbrushing, blacklights, and graffiti pushing boundaries and challenging norms. It’s not surprising that such a controversial image emerged from that era, but resurfacing in today’s context underscores the enduring impact of past artistic expressions on contemporary perceptions.”
Hot off the heels of his release from Disney, Mickey has announced he is joining an alt-right comedy tour to fight against cancel culture featuring Louis CK, Chris D’Elia, and Joe Rogan.
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Load-Bearing Towel Finally Removed from Gamer’s Room
BY NICK COFFMAN
MUNCIE, Ind. – Local gamer Samuel Teskey is getting a fresh start in life after the crusty towel that’s taken up a corner of his bedroom was finally removed earlier this week.
Teskey’s mother, Janey Teskey, confirmed the removal of the towel over a gossipy cup of coffee with her ladies that best friend Marie Garrett then posted about to Facebook.
“I have been looking for that towel since New Year’s Day. It’s part of a set and Samuel knows he’s not supposed to just run off with it,” Janey lamented as she stirred sugar into her fourth cup of coffee. “I don’t condone him using the towels to clean up his sweaty gaming sessions, but if he is going to do that, he needs to not do it with the good towels. We have specific towels for that kind of mess.”
As the gossip session lingered on, Janey voiced concerns about her adult son and his gaming addiction.
“I just don’t know where he got his addictive personality,” Janey wondered after ordering another cup of coffee. “We raised him to be better than that. He should be out meeting other people his age and giving me grandkids. Not holed up in his room sweating through another match of Call of Halo and crusting up my good towels.”
Moved to tears by her son’s crusty towel antics, Janey was on the verge of giving up when nosey neighbor, Annie Wellington, chimed in with advice.
“You have to hide your towels,” the well-to-do Wellington said while sipping her $10 latte. “My son, Timothy, was also wiping his gamer sweat on our good towels. It almost drove me and my husband to divorce. But on a hunch, we hid the towels. All of them. The good, the bad, the rags. We don’t know what he’s wiping up with now, but we don’t care. Our towels are safe and uncrusty.”
The Facebook post ended with Marie bragging about how her non-gamer son has clean towels and a life.
“Upon hearing Janey and the others relay their towel horror stories I’m forever grateful to my boy Kyle. He’s not a gamer, just the occasional Nintendo and his towels have never been crusty and he’s on track for a good career and normal life. I pray for my gal pals and their boys.”
At press time, Janey hid her towels in her backyard while her son grunted through another sweaty gaming session.
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