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Hard Digest June 13: Early Access Pledge of Allegiance, James Bond, Toyotathon, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-14 00:00:08 +0000 UTCHeartbreaking: Annoying Kid That Refused to Do Pledge of Allegiance in High School Was 100% Right
BY MATT HUSSER
TACOMA, Wash. — Local man Blake Crawford was reportedly heartbroken while attending his 20-year high school reunion after coming to the realization that the once annoying kid Zach Reynolds who refused to do the pledge of allegiance back in high school was right all along, sources at the reunion confirmed.
“I remember in junior year he’d make a big show about not doing the pledge daily and get himself kicked out of class. Yeah, we know they only added ‘under God’ to the pledge in 1954, he mentioned it’s an ‘unconstitutional endorsement of monotheism’ every day. Well, don’t tell him I said this, but he kinda had a point,” said Crawford. “It was right after 9/11 and our Math teacher had a real hard-on for the flag, so I’d have to watch them argue for ten minutes when I just wanted to get through the day so I could get some ‘freedom fries’ at lunch—actually, looking back Zach had some annoyingly correct opinions on that stupid shit as well.”
The students’ homeroom teacher Kenneth McGraw recalled the frequent sparring matches he and Reynolds would get into over the compulsory nature of the pledge.
“Zach was just another wannabe socialist that didn’t understand that the only thing that separates us from the commies in North Korea is our unwavering public support of the nation’s symbols and commitment to patriotic ceremony,” said McGraw, shining his flag pin to a mirror sheen. “If it were up to me we’d be reciting the pledge of allegiance before every meal, between every quarter and timeout during football games—I used to recite the pledge before marital intercourse too, but my wife told me she’d secede from our union if I didn’t stop.”
Retired Vice Principal Glen Cornerstone recalled Reynolds frequently ending up in his office for disciplinary action after he was thrown out of class by his teacher.
“Oh yeah I remember that kid—well of course the pledge is stupid, but every teenager that discovers Bad Religion thinks they’re the first to notice. I told him he needed to be chill like my hero Bob Dylan, but Zach would come at his teacher out of the gates with Dead Kennedys’ energy and end up in my office,” said Cornerstone, adjusting his receding ponytail. “He’d come in ranting about how the War on Terror was a colonization campaign to secure resources and use the military industrial complex to extract wealth for private industry. He was right, but you can’t show any weakness in front of teenagers or those jackals will tear you apart. Also, have you ever heard 500 kids say the pledge in unison before an assembly? It’s fucking creepy.”
At press time, Crawford was crestfallen after remembering what Reynolds had to say about JROTC in high school.
So, Mister Bond, Will It Be Mountain Dew…or Mountain Dew X-Treme?
BY NATHAN KAMAL
Mister Bond, welcome to my inner sanctum. I had hoped that you would manage to elude my men, even the very deadly and ethnically ambiguous Port Salud. In the eventuality that you made it to this, my hyperbaric chamber in the midst of a volcano shaped like a skull, I thought you might like some…shall we say, refreshment.
So, what shall it be, 007? Will it be Mountain Dew…or Mountain Dew X-Treme?
Surely, a man of your talents is not afraid to taste a little of Mountain Dew’s finest, most extreme, most totally fucking bodacious concoction? I seem to recall there was a time when His Majesty’s Secret Service was made of sterner stuff and Double-0 agents were not afraid to do the proverbial dew.
Hold it right there, Mister Bond!
Make no mistake, I normally may not be your match in crude fisticuffs, but I spent the precious 90 seconds it took you to break into the sanctum chugging Dew X-Treme, and my body is fully ready to open a can of whoop-ass on your pasty Scottish ass.
I AM SO FULL OF CAFFEINE, MISTER BOND!
If you take even a step closer to my magnificent Strontium Enhancing Array, I will be forced to get totally wicked on you, Mister Bond, you don’t even fucking know. The countdown cannot be stopped, and soon, Earth’s entire supply of strontium, the element necessary for the manufacture of America’s precious glow-in-the-dark novelties, will be under my control.
Bow to your precious NATO all you like, 007, but in the modern novelty world, there is only one true superpower: he who controls the strontium. The Mountain Dew X-Treme is just the beginning of the spoils.
Do you remember the offer I made you in Knoxville, the birthplace of the Dew itself? We could have been partners in the new world, Mister Bond. But you had to oppose me, and now you’ll die without a single ounce of strontium left to you. And I will be the one with the X-Treme flavors!
Mountain Dew Code Red! Mountain Dew Baja Point Break Punch! Even Mountain Dew Passionfruit Frenzy, they’re all mine! You’ve lost, Mister Bond! Lost! HAHAHA!
DO THE DEW!
What’s that you’ve got there, what are you waving at me? Why, it’s an ordinary pen. I don’t see how that’s supposed to intimidate me unless… wait. Is it full of Mountain Dew?!
Cynic Claims Toyotathon “Only Invented To Sell Cars”
BY BILL ROCKAS
BROOKLINE, Mass. — Local cynic Winston Buckler has panned the joyous advent of the Toyotathon as nothing more than a “way to sell cars,” sources confirmed.
“It’s literally just a way to peddle vehicles to gullible people,” the grumbling skeptic muttered. “I’m not angry about it. I’m just saying that Toyotathon is a corporately sponsored event that incentivizes people to buy their products. My neighbor was screaming at me, saying that I was ruining the holiday season by lying about corporate involvement. I told him ‘You don’t think the company called Toyota invented the Toyotathon for profit?’ He then looked at his driveway packed in with eight Toyota trucks, looked back at me, and said ‘no.’”
Buckler’s reckless iconoclasm has affected a lot of people negatively, namely his 16-year-old daughter.
“All the kids at school make fun of me because of my dad,” said the lilting Jenna Buckler. “Every Saturday my friends are taking test drives at the dealership and purchasing high-quality vehicles for low, low prices, often times with no money down, but anytime I try to join in, they point at me and scream ‘DISSIDENT!’ And my school is decorated in all things Toyota. Last week in history class I had to do a presentation on the importance of the Corolla Hatchback on our nation’s technological and emotional progress. I wasn’t raised in a Toyota family so everyone kept hissing and vrooming at me during my speech including my teacher. I hate it! I’ve started walking to school to avoid anyone seeing that embarrassing Ferrari dad bought me.”
In the midst of Winston’s campaign of falsehoods, he encountered a strange figure in his study during the wee hours of the night.
“Honk Honk! Tis I!” bellowed Toyotathon Don, the auto manufacturer’s whimsical mascot. “My dear boy, you must open your heart to the wonders of no-cost maintenance plans and 0% APR on select vehicles before it’s too late! You’re driving your family away and not in a sensible yet stylish 2024 Sienna LE. For you see, Toyotathon isn’t about money or cars. It’s about love… love of how you could spend your money on a car. That love has been written about for centuries. When the Greeks conceived of ‘eros’ and ‘philia’ to describe different forms of love, they also conceived of the root word ‘toyota.’ You don’t want to get left behind. So say to yourself right now, before it’s over, ‘Let’s Go Places!’”
At press time, Winston’s heart that had grown two sizes too big and suddenly felt the urge to purchase a Prius.
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Man Who Vowed to Finish Current Game Spots a Pretty New Game Looking at Him Across the Room
BY MATT FRESH
TORONTO — Local gamer Frank Meadows has found himself in quite a predicament as despite his vow to finish the game he’s currently playing, temptation is having its way with him as he’s spotted a pretty new game looking at him from across the room.
Meadows took to social media to discuss his current internal struggle.
“I’m so conflicted here because I’m in the middle of this big open-world game that I’m really loving,” Meadows said to his dozens of followers. “I have a real problem with not finishing games before moving on to another game but I vowed that I would finish this since I’m enjoying it so much. But my Baldur’s Gate 3 physical edition got delivered the other day and it’s so beautiful and it’s just looking at me, begging to be played and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to resist giving it what it wants.”
Meadows, who has been single since high school, doesn’t often have something so beautiful staring at him in temptation, which is why this is so difficult for him.
“This just never happens to me. Even all the other times I’ve abandoned games to play something else it was because I felt like it. The problem here is that I don’t want to abandon this game, I really love it but every time I glance across the room Baldur’s Gate 3 is there looking at me and it’s so beautiful. It’s probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and definitely the most beautiful thing that’s ever wanted me to touch it. I just don’t know what to do.”
Meadows’ struggle ended up going slightly viral and renowned gaming relationship counselor Bradley MacDougall weighed in with professional advice.
“One of the main reasons that gamers and their games even come to me is due to issues stemming from the desire to move on to a different game before the relationship has reached its natural conclusion. I’ll tell Mr. Meadows what I tell all my patients. While the primal desire to play something else can be tempting, not finishing your current game relationship will only cause a repressed backlog that will eventually lead to having so many games to play that your brain just shuts down and you don’t play anything.”
Amid his crisis, Meadows contacted his parents for advice on what to do. His mother took to Facebook to address the situation.
“I just want my boy to get help. He’s about to turn 30 and has never been on a date,” His mother Dina said through tears in a heartbreaking Facebook Live.
At press time, Meadows has begun his playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3 but the unopened copy of Metal Gear Solid 5 that he bought three Black Fridays ago is calling to him.
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