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Hard Digest June 16: Father's Day, Early Access Original Lineups, Chicken Parm, Good Guys With Guns, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-17 00:00:07 +0000 UTCBand Launches “See Original Lineup Before One of Them Dies” Tour
BY LOS ANGELES — Citing the ever-increasing reality of their impending mortality, members of the iconic punk band Broken Tongue announced the original line-up was getting together to tour one last time before one of them croaks, sources report.
“I’m turning 60 and, to be honest, I didn’t think I’d live this long to begin with,” frontman Benny Timor reported. “I’ve been smoking two packs a day for god knows how long, I drink like an Irish sailor, and I’ve pumped just about any drug you can think of into my system. I’m not long for this world. Even though I said it’d be a cold day in hell before I played with any of those pricks again, we feel we owe it to the fans to let them see us live one more time before the inevitable, which, if you’ve seen our guitarist, is probably any day now.”
“Plus, I just refinanced my mortgage and the interest rates are killing me,” he added.
Fan reaction to the impending tour was mixed with some expressing interest while others were more skeptical.
“Something about this is a bit fishy, like is one of them actually dying,” a longtime fan asked. “My moral compass is pretty much non-existent, but pretending you’re on death’s door just to make a few bucks is pretty low, even for me. At the same time, while I’m not trying to encourage this kind of behavior, ever since Grant Hart and Steve Albini died, I feel like I should just throw aside my ethics and pay the $75 bucks to see them since I may never get another chance to do so.”
Scene experts note that many of these bands brought this situation on themselves by diving fully into the “rock-n-roll lifestyle.”
“Look, I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but these guys made their own bed, now they need to lie in it,” said zine editor Shane Dagan. “Punk isn’t about self-destructive actions, so I won’t be indulging this cynical cash grab. Nobody forced these guys to smoke ten packs of cigarettes a day and the amount of alcohol these guys drank was legendary. If they had tried the tiniest bit of moderation then they wouldn’t have to worry about dying of lung cancer or cirrhosis at 50. Look at Fugazi. They live healthily so they can continue to dangle the possibility of a reunion in front of us for decades to come.”
Reached for further comment, the band announced the tour was delayed pending results of the bassist’s prostate biopsy.
5 Lies I Told Myself About My Chicken Parm Addiction
BY MATT KENNEDY
Through my recovery at New Horizons Chicken Parmesan Treatment Facility, I was able to get an entirely new lease on life. The community there gave me the courage to envision a Chicken Parm-free lifestyle. My eyes were opened to all different kinds of foods that didn’t include chicken, sauce or mozzarella at all. Even better, my old life was waiting for me the second I got out of rehab.
There was still a lot of anger to deal with when I got out of rehab. Anger at myself, for letting things go so far to begin with. Why had I wasted so many years as a slave to John BarleyParm when all it did was make me miserable and sluggish?
“I’m Shy And I Need To Eat Chicken Parm As A Social Crutch.”
Eating Chicken Parmesan to manage social anxiety is all too common. I always thought my nerves were settled when I had that first bite but it always made things much worse. The amount of times I ate too much Chicken Parm and vomited in the middle of a restaurant are too many to count. Oftentimes I wouldn’t even remember doing it because I was in a sauce out. The embarrassment I felt was far worse than any social anxiety I felt. I can look at myself in the mirror today because I realized my actions were a result of my parming and not a reflection of who I was as a person.
“I’m Funnier When I’m Eating Chicken Parm.”
Sure, eating Chicken Parm lowers your inhibitions so people around you are more likely to laugh. Parm-fueled comedy is often hard to get right and many times my attempts at humor completely bombed. I ruined my best friend’s wedding because I thought it would be funny to pour a scalding hot plate of Chicken Parm on my head. I had third degree burns on my scalp and an ambulance was called. In my recovery I realized I’m funny because of who I am, not because of the harmonious balance of marinara, breaded chicken breast and mozzarella.
“Everyone Eats As Much Chicken Parm As I Do, If Not More.”
I ran with a wild crowd in college. You name it, we ate it. Chicken Parm, Chicken Parm Sandwiches, Chicken Parm with Rigatoni. One time I tried Veal Parm but it wasn’t for me (thank god). After college, my friends moved on and started families. They were about to enjoy one, maybe two orders of Chicken Parm in a night. For me, the party never ended. I thought my behavior was completely normal and under control. At my rock bottom I was putting back eight orders of Chicken Parm in a night. One day my Mother found me sauced out in a roadside Olive Garden and asked me “Is this really how you want to live?” Right then, I knew I had to change my ways and get help.
“All Of My Heroes Ate Chicken Parm.”
The allure of eating Chicken Parm had an enormous effect on my impressionable young mind. I would see pictures of Mick Jagger, Val Kilmer or Chef Boyardee eating Chicken Parm and think that if I only ate Chicken Parmesan I could be as great as them. My heroes were able to achieve success in spite of eating Chicken Parm, not because of it.
“If I Quit Eating Chicken Parm I’m Going To Lose All Of My Friends.”
For decades eating Chicken Parm controlled my entire life. All of my friends ate Chicken Parm, my dating history was fueled by Chicken Parm. It felt like I didn’t even have my own life. I feared that if I quit eating Chicken Parm everything would vanish and I would be completely alone. Not only was this categorically untrue (my friends who do still eat chicken parm have been nothing but supportive,) but thanks to New Horizons Chicken Parmesan Treatment Facility I have new friends who understand and relate to my struggles.
If you’re feeling like your Chicken Parm eating is getting out of control, please remember it’s never too late to get help. I did and I’ve never been happier.
Good Guy With Gun Also Asshole With Pickup Truck Depending on Time of Day
BY IAN STEFFÉ
BENSON, Ariz. — Keith Donner, a 45-year-old autobody technician, believes he is one of the fabled “good guys with a gun” while others often describe him as “an absolute prick,” multiple sources confirmed.
“Look, I’m not anything special. I think with my firearm training, I’m here at the right place, right time. Every time,” said Donner while sliding the clip into his Desert Eagle, and holstering it on his belt next to his gigantic leatherbound Android. “You have these hooligans roaming the streets in their Hybrid cars, trying to riot for God knows what. The police have their hands full enough as it is. So responsible gun owners gotta step up and be ready for anything, whether it’s at Wetzel’s Pretzels or a Barnes and Noble. Graffiti artists beware, not in my town. The Woke Mob. Shoplifters. I want people to know when I go into an Olive Garden that they’re going to be safe to enjoy their breadsticks while I’m there.”
But despite Donner’s self-ordained call to arms to protect his fellow citizens, there are more than a few critics in the community who see a completely different side to the father of three.
“Yeah Keith isn’t anyone I would describe as ‘good,’ or even ‘decent,’” laughed Officer Matthew Young. “The guy with the Dodge Ram Cummins with the sticker of Calvin peeing on the word ‘Abortion’? I have miles of incident reports with him and that goddamned truck. He runs around here going 20-30mph over the speed limit. Doing burnouts at his kid’s school when he drops them off. Then there are the noise complaints by his neighbors. I can’t go a week without finding him sitting in his truck listening to ‘Lips of an Angel’ at max volume, sobbing in the driveway at like 4 a.m. I believe in the 2nd Amendment, but if I could take away his guns I would in a heartbeat..”
To academics, this is a prime example of man’s duality between self-perception and reality.
“Totally not uncommon and this is a fascinating example, especially when the subject has absolutely no means of self-reflection,” said Dr. Elizabeth Kinney of Tucson Medical Center. “The good-guy-with-a-gun vs. asshole with a pickup truck trope fits nicely next to other historically great duos. The-male-feminist as whining-sex-pest, for instance. Or the billionaire-inventor-philanthropist as thin-skinned-self-owning-troll. These delusional self-perceptions can provide years of academic study in our field for generations”
As of press time, Donner was last seen quickly exiting a Rainforest Cafe after being startled into accidentally opening fire on an animatronic gorilla.
More From The Hard Times:
“Makin’ Copiiieees” And 15 Other Classic SNL Skits You Can Quote With Your Dad Instead of Having a Real Conversation
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Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Desperately Trying To Keep Conversation Surface Level With Our Dad
