thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest June 17: Early Access "All the Small Things," Therapists, Stolen Riffs, and More
🕑 Added 2024-06-18 00:00:14 +0000 UTCScientists Confirm 97% of Millennials Programmed To Stop Where They Are and Sing Along to “All the Small Things”
BY CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University’s Department of Psychology made a breakthrough discovery confirming that 97% of Millennials are programmed to stop right where they are and sing along to Blink-182’s “All the Small Things.”
“We began researching this phenomenon a few years ago amid an increase in traffic jams and vehicular manslaughter around Boston any time that song got airplay on FNX,” researcher Ashley Thomas explained. “Almost all Millennials simply enter a trance and lose motor function, aside from the muscles required to screech along to the song. The problem is, their cars don’t stop with them. That’s why we urge all Millennials to avoid operating heavy machinery while listening to Spotify-assembled nostalgic pop punk playlists just in case.”
Millennials everywhere are finally feeling seen due to this groundbreaking revelation.
“I’m, like, totally relieved,” explained local 38-year-old Chris Haskell. “I kept randomly blacking out and not knowing where I was or what I’d been doing for the last two minutes and 48 seconds. And I would always text my friend ‘Na na na na na na na na na na’ during the blackouts. Plus I’m like being sued for rolling over this woman’s dog so I’m kind of hoping this helps my case. No one said it would, but you never know.”
Sociologist Erica Nachum was able to shed some light on what might have led to this phenomenon.
“Millennial Child Development is a fast growing field for a reason,” said Nachum. “Sure, now they’re all adults struggling with the economy collapsing every time they reach a new stage in life, but the bigger issue is the unique struggles they faced as children in the ‘90s. It was a big time for subliminal messaging in art and advertisement. It’s not uncommon for a Millennial mother to automatically say ‘Got Milk?’ whenever her baby needs a feeding, or for a 35-year-old to go into a trance and yell ‘Where’s the beef?!’ if their UberEats order is wrong. We’re even seeing evidence that a small but noticeable subset of this generation may have been forced into blood oaths with their Tamagotchis. So it’s no surprise to me that ‘All the Small Things’ is, in fact, causing all the big things.”
At press time, a local Millennial was unable to leave her trance after texting the words “work sux” until someone promised they would leave roses by the stairs to let her know they care.
Help! My Therapist Says I Have Delusions of Grandeur but He’s Just a Tiny, Insignificant Moron Who Can’t Hold a Candle to My Greatness
BY DOUG KOLIC
I’m so tired of these supposed healthcare professionals thinking that they’re qualified to judge me just because of their fancy “degrees” and industry-recognized “expertise.” How do they have the audacity to proclaim, just based on knowing me for a few thousand hours of intimate one-on-one sessions, that I believe I’m better than everyone else even though that should be plainly obvious to anyone who’s ever had the pleasure of basking in my greatness in person.
You’d think these therapists who I’ve paid a king’s ransom to over the years could just have the decency to admit that I’m perfectly sane instead of constantly raising the alarm that I have a serious “Messiah Complex” which if unchecked, and I achieve my goal of leading an army of followers to overthrow this rotten society, would very likely lead to a situation worse than Jonestown and Waco combined. Some people just love stirring up drama.
I guess haters gonna hate when they see someone like me who’s confident, determined, and who’s been sent here by the almighty Lord himself to rid this planet of the millions of morally bankrupt individuals and to replenish it with my seed, and my holy seed alone. I am the woods, I am the wind, I am the water, earth, and fire, and most importantly I am the brightest light in the universe, so why don’t these jabronis just leave me alone, sign off on my psych tests and let me and my minions cleanse this earth once and for all?
I wish therapists would stay in their lane and stick to what they know instead of trying to put down a totally well-adjusted person like me who’s only doing these sessions for personal growth and because of the court order that my freedom and ability to regain custody of my kids highly depends on.
If God hadn’t visited me in my dreams and promised that my takeover of this world was coming, I might not have had such patience with these so-called doctors. But for now I’ll play their game and tell them what they want to hear, that all humans are created equal and no one person can claim superiority over an entire species. And just when they finally think that I believe that BS, I will rise up and my destiny will finally be realized. But in a totally normal kind of way, of course.
Socially Responsible Punk Band Begins Set With Stolen Riff Acknowledgment
BY FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Local punk outfit Scrotal Revolt recently began opening shows with a formal acknowledgment of guitar parts they’ve stolen and appropriated for their own songs, self-righteous sources close to the band reported.
“This shameless, systemic thievery has gone on far too long and we cannot let our own ignorance live in silence anymore,” the band’s singer-guitarist Zach “Rez Hit” Phipps declared while unlocking his e-bike with a bolt cutter. “When we speak the names of bands like New Found Glory, SR-71, and even going back to the true pioneers of punk, Green Day, we not only honor the innovators of these incredibly complex four-chord progressions, but also elevate the consciousness of the whole scene. Beyond just the riff acknowledgments, we’ve started Venmoing 3% of our merch sales directly to members of defunct bands that now drive Uber. Also, we let the nephew of the original bass player of Goldfinger help carry equipment sometimes; inclusion is key. Honestly, it’s humbling to know we’re finally getting it right.”
One longtime Scrotal Revolt fan Colin Storke was less enthusiastic about the band’s new social crusade.
“When I go to a punk show the last thing I’m trying to do is learn,” Storke griped. “I like to get a nice buzz goin’ during the opener, rip my vape pen inside my hoodie right as Scrot-Volt takes the stage and then rock out in the pit, but now I have to sit through this guy whining about preserving the legacy of bands that are from, like, the ‘90s. That’s forever ago- no one cares! Could there be anything less punk than jumping on the overly-apologetic bandwagon? Next thing you know there’ll be a lecture about who invented the power chord? Just play already- I got community service in the morning!”
Linette Bowers, a distinguished music anthropologist at Juilliard, highlighted the reality of the growing trend.
“These stolen riff acknowledgments teeter between earnest historical teachings and patronizing token gestures,” Bowers explained. “So often they have more to do with making the band feel less guilty about their lack of talent than any genuine concern for the rightful creator of a song. Also, some reputations are best left to fade with time, lest some young punk band lift a ‘90s-era Misfits intro and invite Michale Graves on stage and hand him a microphone. This is punk we’re talking about; it’s probably ok to save the riff and forget the riffer.”
At press time, all of Scrotal Revolt were canceled after a stranger posted a TikTok of the band urinating on an indigenous landmark.
More From The Hard Times:
Top 10 Most Liveable Cities To Move To After Someone Hears You Pronounce It “Sunn Ohhhhhhh”
“This Goes Against the Franchise’s Roots,” Says Man Who Was Once Happy Child
BY BISMARCK, N.D. – Tyler Lombardi, a 34-year-old part-time convenience store clerk and former happy child, has been spending most of his free time complaining about the deterioration in quality of pop culture franchises, sources confirm.
“The Marvel Cinematic Universe just isn’t as good as it used to be,” typed Lombardi on Reddit, who once enjoyed riding bikes and skipping stones with his friends during summer vacation. “I still remember how hyped I was for each installment back in the Phase One days. Every movie was an event, but all the recent Marvel stuff just feels like it’s going through the motions, you know?”
Associates of Lombardi claim that these remarks are typical of him.
“Yeah, I was a big fan of Tyler back in his early years,” said Nick Bean, who attended middle school with Lombardi before moving out of state. “He was a good kid, always running around, full of energy. He’s really gone downhill in recent years, though. He’s not a dick or anything, but every time I see him online he’s talking about a video game trailer like it’s a war crime or something. I don’t know where the old Tyler went.”
Analysis of Lombardi’s social media posts over the past five years has demonstrated a consistent dislike of nearly every recent movie, television show, and video game from the person who once ran home as fast he could each Friday to uncritically enjoy the new episode of “Ed, Edd n’ Eddy.”
“Don’t even get me started on ‘Star Wars.’ Each show seems worse than the last. Disney’s really run the franchise into the ground,” posted Lombardi, who twenty-five years earlier could not decide if his favorite part of the franchise was the laser swords or the silly alien with the big ears. “I can only imagine what George Lucas would think of what his baby has become. That’s the real problem with all this new shit. It’s not just an insult to the fans, it’s an insult to the creators who made it great in the first place.”
At press time, Lombardi had completely forgotten his boyhood dream of becoming an astronaut and was complaining that the new “Dragon Age” was too far of a departure from earlier entries in the series.
Groundbreaking Creepypasta Imagines A World Where Peppa Pig Is All Fucked Up
BY LINCOLN, Neb. — An aspiring creepypasta author is being hailed as a visionary after imagining a world where children’s show icon Peppa Pig was, like, all fucked up and stuff.
“I really wanted to write something wholly original, something no one has ever thought of before,” said Grace O’Grady, the creator of ‘I Think My 2-Disc Peppa Pig Season 3 DVD Is Haunted’. “I don’t think we as a society have really considered that children’s cartoon characters can be scary if they had some blood on them and were holding a sickle or something. Or, like, what if they just repeated some enigmatic phrase?”
The story has been making waves since being published last week, garnering attention from all corners of the globe for its depiction of Peppa Pig being all gross and murdery.
“I’ve never read anything that’s shaken me to the core like this. It’s brilliant,” said Shayne Atkins, an English professor at Harvard. “Peppa is supposed to be a friend to all. This macabre tale describes a Peppa Pig that is more prone to killing than friendship, and also she says fuck now. That’s not a word you usually hear in kids’ shows. It’s the ultimate subversion.”
Despite the reaction from academics, the creative team behind the show claimed that the creepypasta was actually in line with their conception of the character.
“People are just now starting to be afraid of Peppa?” said Neville Astley, co-creator of Peppa Pig. I knew when we created her that we were making something otherworldly, something…evil. I’d ask God to have mercy on us, but I know no God would allow Peppa Pig into this world. That’s the ultimate punchline to the existential horror we’ve been producing for twenty years.”
At press time, the sequel to ‘I Think My 2-Disc Peppa Pig Season 3 DVD Is Haunted’ has been announced, titled ‘I Found This Old 2-Disc Peppa Pig Season 3 DVD Amongst My Brother’s Things After He Was Mysteriously Murdered’. It is currently rumored to be 700 pages long.
