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Hard Digest July 9: Early Access Shoplifting, Roxy Music, Tumors, and More
🕑 Added 2024-07-10 00:00:04 +0000 UTCPunk Clearly Trying to Walk Out of PetSmart with Aquarium Stuffed in Their Sweatpants
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
SAYREVILLE, N.J. — The staff of a local Petco could only roll their eyes in secondhand embarrassment as punk Victor Simmons was clearly attempting to walk out of the store with a massive aquarium stuffed in his sweatpants, security footage confirmed.
“I simply came here to pursue this establishment’s supposed exotic pet section and I am once again leaving disappointed and empty-handed. Just because I’m wearing tattered clothes and rectangular shaped XXXXXL sweatpants doesn’t mean I’m shoplifting an aquarium of all things,” said Simmons as he slowly shuffled towards the exit. “I’m perfectly capable of purchasing a 45 gallon fish tank with my own money, and my engorged pants are simply the result of severe gout. Besides, I do all my push outs at Walmart.”
The store employees did not believe a word of Simmon’s story, but admitted that dealing with the situation was beyond their pay grade.
“Ten minutes ago this guy told me to go fuck myself when I tried to help him pick out a fish tank, and now he’s acting indignant when I point out that he’s smuggling half the store in his pants. Honestly, I’m just aggravated that he’s forcing me to actually do my job,” said shift manager Troy Nelson. “I just want to see how far he can waddle into the parking lot before he realizes there’s a trail of neon gravel forming behind him that’s going to lead to his exact location. He’s lucky my break is in five minutes, otherwise I’d think about calling the cops.
Petco’s contracted security company noted that pet store-related theft has unique challenges.
“Anything involving theft of obnoxiously large animal products, or animals themselves, can be hard to mitigate. I mean at least he’s making an effort to conceal his theft, hairbrained as it is. But if I were the manager I’d try talking to the round-cheeked guy Simmons walked in with to make sure he’s not hiding a fish in his mouth,” said Shane Naysmith. “This is almost as half-assed as the guy who tried to walk out with a live iguana by dressing it up in toddler clothes and passing it off as their kid.”
As of press time, Simmons was forced to abruptly abandon the aquarium at the door after the parakeets he shoved in his shirt began viciously tugging his nipple rings.
Stop It! That’s My Mom on Every Roxy Music Album Cover You’re Staring At
BY JONAH NINK
Hey, pervert! I see you fingering through the Roxy Music vinyls a little slower than all the other sections of the record store. Trying to score a gander at the scantily clad babes on the cover photos, eh? Well plot twist, that’s my mother on every Roxy Music album cover you’re eye-fucking.
Those Roxy Music album cover gigs helped my mom put food on the table for me and my 12 siblings, but it was exhausting work. Everyday she would come from a twelve-hour shoot at around 1am, often still dressed as a french maid, sexy viking or mermaid. In the morning frontman Brian Ferry, who despite being English actually spoke in a heavy Brooklyn accent, would call her and say “sorry, toots, you gotta come back. We need you to hold this javelin in a sexy way!” Mom would give a weary sigh, and ask the older children to watch over the young ones as she made her daily 4,500 mile drive to England from our tiny Mississippi sod house.
So excuse me if I get a little upset when I see some unloved Carhart-ass vinyl gremlin pretend he’s inspecting a copy of Roxy Music’s Country Life album for “wear and tear.” Why don’t you “wear” some respect for working single moms and “tear” through a bible once in a while, asshole.
Both of those topless women are my mom, by the way. It’s the Nutty Professor 2 camera thing, which she also invented.
How did mom get the Roxy Music gig? After Dad was killed by the CIA for looking at a photo of a marijuana cigarette in 1971, Mom answered a “Sexy Help Wanted” Roxy Music posted in the newspaper. Little did she know it was the beginning of a twenty-year career of grueling, non-stop sexiness.
Her final shoot for 1982’s Avalon lasted 36 hours. She wore nothing but a viking helmet and had to work with a bird who was openly racist. It was supposed to be full frontal, but Ferry had his thumb on the lens the entire time except for an outtake where everyone was looking at the bird as it kept calling the water slurs.
Where is Mom now? Well, plot twist, she owns this record store! I am its watchful steward, ready to shame boners like you who stare at her album covers for too long. She is also Flo from Progressive.
Man Tries to Get Tumor Out of Brain by Thinking of Other, Catchier Tumor
BY GOSPORT, Ind. — Local grocery store clerk Max Fine, who was recently diagnosed with a tumor in his frontal lobe, announced plans this week to rid himself of the soft tissue lump by thinking of a different, catchier tumor, confirmed sources who strongly advised against that plan.
“I’ve been dealing with headaches and blurry vision for a while so I decided I need to make a change,” explained Fine while looking up types of tumors on Johns Hopkins Medicine website to see if one stuck. “Once I had ‘Africa’ by Toto in my head for three full months. Finally, I watched the opening theme from ‘The Munsters’ on repeat for a few hours until, poof! I couldn’t even remember the words to ‘Africa.’ Until just now…shit. Either way, if abnormal brain growths are anything like that one Chumbawamba song then this will be gone in four to six months.”
Fine’s doctor Juan Pantaleon expressed serious concerns about his unorthodox decision.
“Patients often think they know better than trained medical professionals,” said the frustrated Pantaleon. “It’s clear Mr. Fine hasn’t thought through the very serious ramifications of his actions. I mean, what if the new tumor he thinks of is even more catchier than the original, and it spreads to something important, like his feet? How does he plan to ride a bicycle then? These are the kinds of things that take years of medical training to foresee. He is absolutely foolish if he believes tumors are just like ‘Call Me Maybe.’”
Pascal Soriot, CEO of pharmaceutical giant AstraZeneca, believes this kind of self-treatment plan could spell disaster for the industry.
“I don’t know who this Max Fine is, or what kind of game he thinks he’s playing,” raved Soriot. “But if this scheme of his works, what’s to stop other people from trying the same thing?! I mean, we could potentially lose billions of dollars in sales! I’m telling you, I’ve been in the industry for years and the selfishness of these cancer patients trying to heal themsevles never fails to astound me! Think about us for a change.”
At press time, Fine’s tumor had gone into remission, claiming all he did was just listen to “Who Let the Dogs Out” a few hundred times.
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RPG NPC Definitely Disguising His MLM As A Sidequest
BY STEEPGROVE WATCH — A local player character has begun to suspect that the elaborate, multi-stage side quest given to her by the nameless local apothecary is a cover for a pyramid scheme, frustrated sources confirm.
“It started off pretty standard,” said Cirrus, an adventurer. “The Apothecary asked me if I could go into a nearby cave and bring him back some weeds so he could perfect a potion recipe. I figured it would be an easy way to get some experience points. I think I loaded 40 saves just trying to get past the giant larvae man guarding the cave.”
“For all that trouble, I was expecting a pretty hefty reward, but the apothecary just told me to go find his reclusive former mentor and convince him to start selling potions,” Cirrus added. “Now I have to track down more random NPCs who are all on different sides of the map and rope them into this potion scam.”
Cirrus is not the first protagonist to fall prey to The Apothecary’s scheme.
“I had to sidetrack my companion’s heart wrenching quest to regain his honor and dignity after a lifetime of war left him a shell of a man because of these stupid potions,” recalled Leila, who discovered the sidequest on her third playthrough. “I barely remember what the main quest is. This is no longer an open world action RPG, this is a thankless sales representative simulation. I don’t even know what the potion does because the apothecary won’t let me have any until I find six recruits.”
Fellow NPC and side quest giver The Shopkeep provided further comment on his coworker’s behavior.
“He ruined it for the rest of us. None of these new heroes of the realm want to do side quests anymore because they think we’re trying to trap them into some kind of ponzi scheme,” said The Shopkeep. “I swear I really am just a humble shopkeeper who needs your help to solve the mystery of my missing wife. And I will actually reward you with 150 gold pieces and a neat gun if you complete the quest! My sidequest won this game a fucking GLAAD award, but everyone’s too busy looking for those stupid weeds.”
At press time, Cirrus has finished the quest and been rewarded with one vial of the potion, which provides +1 to perception until her next rest.
Nintendo Switch 2 Getting Day One Joy-Con Drift
BY NICK COFFMAN
REDMOND, Wash. — Earlier today, Nintendo announced that each Nintendo Switch 2 will come preloaded with Joy-Con drift upon release.
“We know a lot of you were disappointed with the Joy-Con drift in the original Nintendo Switch,” said Doug Bowser, President of Nintendo of America, during a Nintendo Direct stream. “I lost sleep knowing that so many console players weren’t getting the full Nintendo Switch experience. That’s why with our new console, I personally promise that each and every Nintendo Switch 2 will come preloaded with Joy-Con drift. No one should have to play the latest edition of Mario Kart without unintentionally steering into a wall.”
Before the excitement of preloaded Joy-Con drift could wear off, Bowser shared more juicy details about the upcoming console.
“I’m also here to announce the return of a beloved staple to many Switch players. You’ve been shouting for it since its original release in 2017,” Bowser said, grabbing the ear of every Hollow Knight fan within a 250-mile radius of the stream. “Today, I can finally announce that we at Nintendo are proud to welcome the return of the flimsy Nintendo Switch kickstand. You asked. We answered. Take that, Steam Deck!”
Even with these huge announcements from the Big N, some gamers left the Nintendo Direct concerned about the future of the company and its new console.
“Do you guys ever think we deserve this? Like really. Nintendo feeds us slop because we just lap it up, no questions asked,” started one highly upvoted Reddit post on r/Nintendo. “Yeah, the day one Joycon drift and the return of the flimsy kickstand are awesome, but where the hell is my next-gen Starfox? It’s been two whole console generations since Star Fox Zero. Where is Fox McCloud, Doug? You can wave all these fancy bells and whistles in our face, but until I see some proof of life on the series, I cannot commit to a Switch 2.”
At press time, Bowser had been stuffed in the trunk of a car by a masked militia of angry Hollow Knight and Star Fox fans.
