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Hard Digest July 7: Early Access Eco-Conscious Punks, DMT, Cro-Mags, and More
🕑 Added 2024-07-08 00:00:04 +0000 UTCEco-Conscious Punk Pretends Never Getting Driver’s License Was An Environmental Thing
BY JUS KAPLAN
PORTLAND, Ore.—Sage Copeland, who has never driven a day in his life, is adamant that his automobile abstinence is an environmental thing and nothing else, the 32-year-old vegan confirmed.
“Cars are destroying our planet, full stop, end of story,” said Copeland, breathing heavily as he walked his fixed-gear bike up a hill. “I would never in a million years make our dear mother Gaia choke on the wretched combustion of fossil fuels. I don’t even ride on public transportation anymore—anywhere I can’t get on my bike isn’t worth getting to. Just because I don’t happen to have the actual state-issued form of identification doesn’t mean that I’ve never passed a driver’s test. It means I’m protesting on behalf of the Earth herself.”
Copeland’s roommate Denise Lopez, however, offered a slightly different side of the story.
“Did Sage mention that he’s banned from taking Portland public transit after smoking cloves and drinking kratom on three separate TriMet buses?” asked Lopez, cleaning up someone else’s spilled PBR in the living room of their co-op. “He also probably didn’t tell you he showed up drunk as hell to his last driving test after trying to ‘calm his nerves’ with a gallon of homemade hard kombucha. He’s literally not allowed to enter any Oregon DMV location until like 2030. And honestly, he’s just one of those vaguely gay dudes who can’t drive. It’s a whole thing.”
A spokesperson for the state’s Driver & Motor Vehicles division confirmed that Copeland has in fact tried to obtain his driver’s license at least a handful of times.
“We aren’t normally permitted to speak on personal cases, but since Mr. Copeland’s kombucha-vomit-covered mugshot went viral last year, the public is already well aware of this individual and his prior attempts to become a licensed driver in Oregon,” explained Stan Nelson. “ Mr. Copeland, four years ago, inhaled nitrous oxide from a balloon while stopped at a red light. Thankfully, the instructor was able to shift the car into park while the driver laughed until he passed out. He’s simply lucky that the environmentalist angle has fooled his peers, family, and colleagues for this long.”
At press time, Copeland was seen begging a member of his co-op for a ride to the dispensary.
Uh Oh: I Took 500MG of DMT and Even the Intergalactic Elves Just Told Me To Get a Job
BY MALIA SIMON
Bad news, folks. This weekend I went on one of my journeys into the spiritual realm to convene with the higher beings and, rather than imparting zen wisdom, this time they just sat me down and told me to get a job.
“Why are things going wrong in my life?” I asked as soon as I caught glimpse of the guy. “Hit me with that spiritual truth. What is it? My failure to accept mortality? My attachment to ego-driven success? I can take anything.”
Nothing could have prepared me for what he said next, which was just: “I think maybe you should just get a job, man.”
Huh?? Aren’t you supposed to tell me to let go of earthly attachments or something?
“Yeah, normally we say that, but I don’t think you have any more to let go of. Unless you want to give away your mother’s basement couch or what you call your ‘good socks.’”
I was just as surprised as the rest of you to find out that even the intergalactic elves are starting to sound just like my fucking dad. Classic society, getting to people’s heads even in the sixth dimension. This guy was going on and on about the “hierarchy of needs,” when I thought the whole point of taking DMT was to blast to the top of the pyramid and completely bypass the bottom three. I started to worry if this was a waste of a trip, especially since I had scrounged my last $35 and library card to purchase the stuff. I tried persuading the guy a little more since he was not acting like his usual self.
“Come on man, blow on that little elephant pipe and make the walls have sex with me again.”
But to my disappointment, he awkwardly declined.
“Sorry man, I don’t do that anymore. It’s only fun with people who make at least $20k. Otherwise it just starts to get sad.”
Well, the fuck am I supposed to do now? I have 8 more hours left of this DMT trip to sit with the fact that my life sucks not due to the inherent suffering in life but due to the fact that I’m kind of lazy and have no health insurance. Talk about a high-killer.
“I don’t know, have you looked on Indeed?” he replied.
“How the fuck do you know about Indeed? You’re a sixth dimensional elf.”
“How do you think I got this job? I used to be a script supervisor for Disney.”
After that it was a lot of staring at the floor while he made insincere offers to pass on my resume. The good news is, no matter what this dude says, unless he is telling me everything is going just fine in my life, he’s not even real. I may be unemployed, but he’s nothing but a visual projection of my subconscious mind, and I can easily pass it off as a bad trip until he starts telling me what I want to hear again. Who’s out of a job now, motherfucker?
Anthropologists Believe Cro-Mags May Have Used Pro Tools In Late Hardcore Phase
BY ROB RYDER
COLLEGE PARK, Md. – A new study suggests that the Cro-Mags may have used Pro Tools in the Late Hardcore Phase, contradicting earlier theories about the group’s ability to advance into modern times.
“For decades the academic community has accepted that the Cro-Mags could never have used Pro Tools, given their limited cognitive abilities and general lack of interest in literally anything mainstream,” said Dr. Brianna Foster of the Hardcore Institute’s Anthropologic Department. “The evidence, however, is all over, and I’m not referring to ‘The Age of Quarrel,’ that shit is legit. I’m talking about the Late Hardcore Phase, post millennium era. I don’t even need to show you hard evidence, just listen to the catalog–everything sounds a little too perfect, and there’s even a shift in release format. Why did they stop issuing vinyl? How’s that for a fucking sign?”
Cro-Mags fans were surprised and shocked at the revelation, including Dave Van Noik, who doubts the validity of the study’s findings.
“Analog–I’m talking about tape, here–is the only way to study the fossil record. It’s real, it’s raw, you ain’t gonna find the Cro-Mags on a fucking computer,” said Van Noik, getting increasingly agitated. “Late Hardcore Phase is so vague too, what is that supposed to be? This ain’t Third Wave Ska or Proto-Punk, it’s Hardcore, and it cannot be subdivided by some scientist nerd that has never stepped foot near a mosh pit and certainly has never done a stage dive.”
Steven Drenning of the Smithsonian Institute’s Museum of Natural History fears yet another schism in the hardcore community based on recent findings.
“Chaos, utter chaos, that’s what this leads to. Sometimes I think the academic community is just trying to stir shit up for no reason at all. The average hardcore fan does not give a fuck how a record is made, they just want to memorize the lyrics as fast as possible so they can look cool singing along at a live show,” said Drenning, gazing wistfully at a photo of Ian MacKaye circa 1981 A.D. “We’ve examined the records extensively, and I can conclusively say everything up to ‘Near Death Experience’ is done without Pro Tools or Logic or anything remotely modern or functional.”
“Besides, most of us at the Smithsonian kinda checked out when the Cro-Mags started taking each other to court over stupid legal bullshit, though,” added Drenning.
At press time, Dr. Foster was said to be preparing a definitive list of the entire population of the Cro-Mags, though others claim such a feat is impossible.
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