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Hard Digest August 30: Jack White, Early Access Alice Cooper, Family Values, Astronauts, Muppets, and More
🕑 Added 2024-08-31 00:00:05 +0000 UTCJack White Demands Trump Stop Using His Songs By Sending Campaign Cease and Desist Letter on 7”
By Ryan Dondero
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Jack White issued a strongly worded cease and desist letter on a one-of-a-kind 7” forbidding the Republican candidate from using his songs at campaign events, sources close to Trump confirmed.
“I couldn’t just stand and let these bigoted fascists use my songs to push their racist agenda,” said White while applying a thick layer of SPF 400 sunscreen. “I called up a few of my lawyer buddies and they brought their guitars to my studio so we could jam out and write a cease and desist letter that would rock Trump’s diaper right off his ass. I pressed it myself right here at the Third Man The plant, hand numbered it, and signed it. The B-side is three minutes of me talking about how Kid Rock is a fraud who isn’t even from Detroit. If Trump tries to flip this record on eBay for profit then he can expect a double LP in his mailbox outlining a litany of other lawsuits.”
Members of the Trump campaign found it difficult to extract any information from the record.
“We were setting up our latest rally in the great state of Pennsylvania when a guy who looks like he fought in the Civil War rode up on a horse and presented us with the package from Mr. White,” said Trump’s Deputy Director of Communications Margo Martin. “The cover art was a crudely drawn middle finger, but we had no way of playing it. I grabbed a couple of other staffers and we went to the public library to see if they had a record player we could use. Being surrounded by all those books made me sick, and I can’t wait for President Trump to take office again and do away with libraries once and for all.”
Music historian Liza Binder noted that White is just the latest in a litany of artists forbidding Trump from using their songs.
“You know things are bad for your campaign when even Nickelback doesn’t want you using their songs. If I were to list all the artists that have expressly forbid Trump from using their work then we would be here for hours, if not days,” said Binder. “At this point Trump is still legally allowed to use songs from Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and the White Knights, which was a band David Duke played guitar in for a few years before he became the Grand Wizard of the Klan. Other than that I’m not sure any other music is permitted.”
At press time, former president Trump was under fire once again for using Black Flag’s “White Minority” over footage of migrants crossing the border.
Construction Worker Tells Alice Cooper “You’d Be Prettier With Less Makeup On, Sweetie”
By PHOENIX — A group of local construction workers told legendary rock star Alice Cooper that he’d look prettier with less makeup as he walked by a local condo development site, confirmed sources who weren’t sure if that’s technically catcalling.
“I just wanted him to know that long locks flowing from a top hat is gorgeous, just make sure that hair don’t hide that beautiful face! Speaking of that pretty face, why so much cakey makeup? He don’t need it, he’s a stunner!” said construction worker Ben Palubinski while pretending to hammer a nail. “Black and white striped blazer with small waisted skinny jeans? My god, he’d look like a sexy little Beetlejuice if he wore less foundation. But I will also say, he would look a little bit prettier if he learned to smile more.”
Cooper, however, was seemingly a little shaken up from the incident.
“You know, I’m sick of this shit. I remember a time when a guy in head to toe leather could comfortably cross the street, and none of these knuckleheads would whistle at you just because you were holding a whip or had a live snake wrapped around your neck,” said Cooper. “Days when I am feeling a little unsure of myself sometimes I put on a codpiece with a chrome skull on it, but that’s for me. It’s like, my eyes are up here and they’re pretty hard to miss because they are absolutely covered in eyeliner. It’s my eyes, my choice.”
The interactions between anyone and an elderly rockstar can prove to be a bit tricky, according to mediator Kendall Meledosian.
“First off, don’t approach too quickly. Their long hair and multiple scarves can obstruct certain lines of sight and you certainly do not want to startle them. And don’t mention their clothing!” said Meledosian. “They have had the responsibility of looking cool while doing drugs for decades, eventually you are gonna look like a Californian Raisin wearing snakeskin boots, so spare them the dignity. Offering them hard candy is also nice, they’ve been shouting at crowds for half of a century, their throat is probably a little scratchy. Overall, just be kind and absolutely never comment on their makeup techniques, as much as you want to.”
In a shocking twist, new reports show that Cooper has been spotted recently without his signature eye makeup, stating J.D. Vance ruined it for everyone.
Our Next President Needs To Bring Back Family Values, By Which I Mean Korn’s Semi-Annual Family Values Tour
By Let’s face it. This country has changed and not for the better. Inflation, never-ending wars, global warming, and overall lack of decency. We all know where these things stem from. It’s not a Republican or a Democrat issue. It’s the lack of Korn’s music and their annual Family Values Tour.
Once a year, or every other year depending on the scheduling, Korn would go from town to town like a traveling preacher reminding us Americans of the importance of Nu Metal and how it improves family dynamics. They’d bring in their friends like Deftones, Limp Bizkit, and Rammstein. My dad would drive us all there with his classic jokes like “Korn on a Bizkit!” and we’d all laugh. My mom would knit us all homemade band merch in case we got cold. My brother and sister and I would have a scavenger hunt over who could find the most dropped septum piercings in the moshpit. There wasn’t a cell phone in sight, just people shouting “South Park” quotes at each other and swapping dreadlock maintenance tips.
Then came 2008. There was no Family Values Tour planned. We didn’t pay attention at first because the tours were never consistent every year, but then 2009 came and Family Values was once again missing. Then 2010 and still no return. Clearly, the Obama administration was not interested in Family Values.
In 2013 as society was continuing to crumble, Obama tried to save us all by finally bringing back Family Values. But it wasn’t the Family Values Tour was it, Obama? It was called the “Family Values Festival” which didn’t even tour the country! It was a single-day-long event that only took place in Broomfield, Colorado. According to Obama, only the elites of Broomfield deserved Family Values while the rest of middle America was left in the dust. At least Obama threw us those breadcrumbs. Both the Trump and Biden administrations didn’t even bother to bring back Family Values.
If either Trump or Kamala truly wants to earn our votes, it’s clear what issues they stand behind, and by that I of course mean the 1999 Korn album Issues. Only then should we Follow The Leader. If Trump or Kamala don’t even get that reference, then our country is truly lost.
Lucky Astronauts Still Stranded in Space During Election Year
By Matt Husser
HOUSTON — Stranded Boeing Starliner astronauts are considering themselves lucky as a delay pushed their return back to February 2025, therefore continuing to trap them in space during the election year, NASA sources confirmed.
“When you’re stranded in space, it’s hard not to lose hope—sometimes I look down at that pale blue dot and wonder if I’ll ever get home. But in my lowest moments I think to myself, ‘well at least I’m not stuck in America with those lunatics during an election year,’” said NASA astronaut Butch Wilmore, looking out the window on the International Space Station. “I know my family is worried about me, and I wish they could be up here with me safe from the campaign ads and Trump rallies. But at the end of the day, it’s an honor and a privilege to be one of the lucky few orbiting the planet as far away from MAGA weirdos as humanly possible.”
Wilmore’s family reportedly stayed strong despite the reality that their loved one would remain in space while trapped in an inhospitable hellhole during an election year.
“We’re all so proud of him, and I’m trying to stay strong for the family, but I have to admit that it’s been tough knowing that he’s blissfully isolated in the peaceful vacuum of space without us,” said Wilmore’s wife Claire, turning off a CNN exposé about J.D. Vance wiping a booger on his family dog. “Between the endless attack ads, the threats of political violence, and whatever bizarre shit RFK Jr. says every 48 hours, it’s been really difficult to explain to the kids why they’re stuck down here while their Dad is safe in a fragile metal tube traveling around the Earth at a relaxing 250 MPH.”
NASA engineers were already hard at work installing additional fail-safes to ensure that no more astronauts would be stranded in space in the event they intentionally tried to delay their returns until 2025.
“I can assure you that those of us in Mission Control are doing everything in our power to get these astronauts home as soon as possible, because frankly it’s not fair that they get to be up there while the rest of us down here have to endure another election cycle,” said NASA engineer Maggie Belmont, writing calculations on a whiteboard. “These lucky bastards are so busy trying to survive in a hostile environment that they have no idea that Mindy Kaling called Nancy Pelosi the ‘Mother of Dragons’ at the Democratic National Convention. And God forbid anything goes wrong, but at least they would burn up upon reentry without ever seeing a ‘Trumpy Trout’.”
Meanwhile competition was reportedly fiercer than ever for the first manned mission to Mars that would see astronauts hurtling through undiscovered reaches of space for the next two election cycles.
Opinion: The Fact That the Muppets Only Took Manhattan Means They’ll Never Be “Real” New Yorkers
By Mimi Kenny
Ready for a geography lesson? New York City is comprised of five boroughs: the Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island, each bearing its own inscrutable mystique. However, some seem to believe that the world of New York City begins and ends in the most sanitized corners of one section. At the risk of pointing fingers, the Muppets and their apparent unwillingness to branch out beyond pockets of Manhattan means they’ll never be able to lay claim to being genuine New Yorkers.
Granted, I understand Kermit and his friends were staging a Broadway musical (not exactly my scene but I try not to judge) and thus probably wouldn’t be able to check off even half of the items on the “New York Shitty” itinerary my Uncle Tripp made in ‘81. But that doesn’t mean the opportunities weren’t there.
Like, when they meet all those rats working at the diner. I felt a wave of relief, eagerly anticipating a subsequent scene where they all go huff glue in Prospect Park and give each other stick ’n pokes. The closest it gets is a brief moment in Central Park (snore) where no one so much as lights a cigarette. Like, yeah, Miss Piggy kicks this dude’s ass, but it’s nothing compared to the time my buddy Mulch threw a Big Gulp cup full of piss through the window of a moving cop car in Far Rockaway. Or the time he found a lamp on the sidewalk and immediately smashed it over a Proud Boy’s head. God, I miss him.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Look, I get the Fozzie or Gonzo or whoever might not be quite that wild. And maybe they didn’t have time for a complete experience. But even if they were stuck in Manhattan, there’s so much more they could’ve done. Like, did no one in Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem check to see what was going down at CBGB? We could’ve had Animal experiencing the primal power of Steve DePace’s fills. Is there an extended edition that leans more in this direction? Because the studio cut is not it.
“What’s the big deal?” you might be asking. Well, if you have to ask, sadly, you’re also never going to be a real New Yorker. Now, I need to get going. I just moved into a new duplex in Hoboken and I haven’t even started unpacking.
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Trump Fails to Press F at Tomb of Unknown Soldier
BY Matt Fresh
ARLINGTON, Va. — Donald Trump and his campaign are under fire after a visit to the Arlington National Cemetery has led to the US Army claiming the former president failed to press F at the tomb of the unknown soldier.
“This cemetery is sacred ground for thousands of families across the nation as the final resting place of their loved one who gave their lives for this country and the Trump campaign failed to follow the rules that were laid out to them,” claimed Theodore Lockhart, a spokesperson for the US Army. “The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is a monument to all the identified heroes who died fighting for our great nation and we were very explicit with Trump and his team that he had to press F to pay respects while he was here. We gave him ample time to follow the prompt, it wasn’t a quick time prompt and yet he still failed to press f before leaving.”
Lockhart then explained the unfortunate aftermath of Trump’s inability to press F.
“As Trump was leaving an employee of the cemetery tried to ensure that the rules were followed and that the appropriate F’s were given to honor the fallen. This employee was rudely and disrespectfully pushed aside by Trump’s campaign staff. By the time the employee was helped and proper F’s were given for her failure, Trump and his team had left. Trump was contacted by us following his departure to give him the opportunity to give F’s in chat but he simply replied ‘git gud’. We absolutely condemn this egregious act of disrespect by Donald Trump and his team. There is truly nothing lower than the failure to press F to pay respects.”
Trump hit back against the allegations during a campaign rally in Memphis.
“The Army is talking about me folks. They’re calling me disrespectful. Disrespectful they’re saying, because I didn’t press F to pay respects. That’s what they want you to do now is to press F. I don’t know folks. I thought I was pretty respectful, let me tell you. I was there wasn’t I? You know who wasn’t there? That’s right Crazy Kamala and Tiny Tim. They weren’t there but I was and for some reason, I’m the disrespectful one because I didn’t press F. Let me tell you folks, no one is more respectful than me, I’m the most respectful person there is believe me. So what if I didn’t press F or give F’s in chat? Maybe I would have if they were still alive. I prefer my war heroes to be alive but that’s just me folks.”
At press time, Trump has claimed that he would only press F to pay respects to the late great Hannibal Lecter.
Gamer Trying Drugs Confused When Screen Doesn’t Just Wobble for 15 Seconds
BY Bryan Lally
ANDOVER, Mass. — Local gamer Danny Murphy shared his recent befuddlement when trying drugs did not produce the same 15 seconds of screen wobbling he had expected.
“I recently decided to experiment a bit. I figured what is the worst that could happen? I’ve tried all sorts of cool guy drugs in games from Jet to Aurora and they never seemed to do much other than make the screen wobble for a few seconds. I figured something with a silly name like Molly would be no different. Let me tell you it lasts a lot longer and does a lot more! I woke up wicked sweaty in a pile of plushies” said Murphy when interviewed at his suburban studio apartment.
The occupants of the adjacent apartment to Murphy’s, who wished to remain anonymous, provided more detail about the events that unfolded.
“My family and I were enjoying a nice movie night when the theme from ‘Carnival Night Zone’ started rattling through our shared wall. I went over to ask him to turn it down, but he wouldn’t agree to that until I came in and touched his velvet Bubsy 3D poster because it ‘felt so good’. After I touched his poster he tried to tell me that Michael Jackson wrote the song he was playing, like I’d believe that. He kept mentioning this would be over anytime now, whatever that means.”
When reached for comment Murphy’s friend Leslie Drew noted,
“He’s always thought the weed minigame in GTAV was ‘so cool’ but wouldn’t listen when I told him that’s not actually what happens when you smoke pot. I keep telling him he needs to expand his horizons. This would have never happened if he played Disco Elysium.”
Murphy reported he wasn’t mad about the prolonged experience and shared he plans to see if other drugs do more than make his vision briefly wobble.
“Some people have told me to be careful and that drugs can be addictive, but as a gamer I know the local doctor can usually cure that for 70 caps or so.”
At press time, Murphy had reportedly told friends he was heading to Fenway Park to seek medical help from a physician.
Final Girl Really Not Looking Forward to Unpacking All This
BY Jake Mooney
HOUSTON — Jeanette Gold, the lone survivor of the Houston Hangman’s killing spree is reportedly struggling to see the silver lining of making it out alive, local hospital staff confirmed.
“I mean, am I supposed to be grateful? I lost a hand, saw my best friend get impaled on a fence, and now my insurance is telling me they won’t cover my rehabilitation,” Gold told reporters. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I didn’t get killed, but this really upends my plans for the month. I was gonna visit my sister in Duluth and now I have to push that back until at least November to deal with all this.”
Andre Soders, a behavioral health specialist at Houston Medical Center, noted Gold’s priorities as being a bit off.
“When I first spoke with Ms. Gold, I thought she would want to process the trauma of seeing her boyfriend and childhood friends killed in front of her,” a concerned Soders said. “Instead, she spent almost an hour ranting about how she had to use all her paid sick days. I don’t want to judge anyone’s grieving process, but she seemed more inconvenienced than distraught.”
Forensic Psychologist Vanessa Stabb cited Gold’s behavior as weighing heavy on the Houston Hangman himself.
“He actually feels really bad about how this played out,” Stabb explained. “He never intended to leave Ms. Gold saddled with all these feelings. He appears to be suffering from a reverse-survivor’s guilt, believing if he was just a better killer, then she wouldn’t have to suffer.”
As the Houston Hangman began receiving sympathy nationwide, Jeanette addressed the situation for the first time since leaving the hospital.
“I’m really struggling to see how I’m supposed to feel bad here,” Gold responded in an Instagram Live. “ He’s not the victim here. Are we forgetting that he cleaved my best friends in two right before my eyes? Now he’s in a cushy paid for asylum and I have to deal with the horror of our healthcare system. I’m the victim!”
At press time, the Houston Hangman has vowed to finish the job as soon as he escapes prison. Jeanette has yet to respond herself, but relatives claim she’s found some solace in his words.
