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Hard Digest January 28: Early Access Toilet Paper, Adrenaline Junkies, Biker Gangs, and More
🕑 Added 2025-01-29 01:00:06 +0000 UTCVenue Physicists Discover Toilet Paper Thinner Than a Photon of Light
By Rob Ryder
OSLO, Norway — Physicists at the Goering Institute of Hardcore Physics recently discovered a new form of toilet paper thinner than a photon of light, confirmed side-eying sources.
“Many previously suspected that there was no physical matter that exists below the dimensions of a photon of light, but here today, we have proven this wrong,” said Werner Schäfer, lead physicist at the Goering Institute. “It was by accident we stumbled upon the discovery. We were working on developing the world’s thinnest joint, when suddenly it dawned on me. We had a new form of paper so thin that it could only be detected through our most sensitive spectrometer. After experimenting further, we isolated several rolls and began testing them at a nearby Chipotle restaurant. This is going to revolutionize venue bathrooms around the world, which is what science is all about.”
Venue owner Trig Franklin of the Trigger Club in Washington was excited to hear of the discovery and had already placed an order for several cases.
“I’ve spent years splitting toilet paper down to its elemental ply, I never thought I’d see the day when a Kroger roll was split at the atomic level,” said Franklin while sweeping up old pretzels to throw back in trays on the bar. “Running a venue is hard work, and this is just one more thing I don’t have to worry about. I can now go back to focusing on more important things like discovering the optimal amount of water you can pour in a bottle of $8 whiskey, or how to split a $20 payment among 17 members of a ska band.”
Occupational Health and Safety Department inspector Ellen Clark was initially concerned with the news, but ultimately feels the department may be powerless.
“There are no regulations for toilet paper thickness in the OSHA code. I usually just check the bathroom real quick to ensure it’s there,” said Clark while testing the strength of a rope suspending a 350-pound PA speaker over the stage. “Our only real concern for this new toilet paper was the measurable radiation coming off of it, no doubt a byproduct of its manufacturing process. However, I have to say, the small dose of radiation patrons get might provide the best cleaning their ass will ever get.”
At press time, physicists also discovered venue hand soap that could only be seen with a microscope.
Adrenaline Junkie? This Woman Is Marrying Her Natural Predator
By Dom Turek
Most people are satisfied with the humdrum routine of everyday life. For the average homebody, something as simple as switching to flavored coffee creamer or having period sex can bring on a dizzying rush of adrenaline, causing them to put down their New York Times crossword puzzle and ask themselves “What kind of goddamn daredevil am I?”
Some people, however, can only feel truly alive while performing death-defying activities. These cortisol-deficient, dopamine-starved thrill seekers are called adrenaline junkies, and they’re coming to a town near you to become skydive certified.
Self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie Julia Powell has been distressing her friends and family members since childhood with her risk-taking behaviors and “what’s the worst that could happen?” attitude. From base jumping to paragliding to drinking hard liquor on antidepressants, there’s nothing Powell won’t do to exacerbate her mother’s ulcer and send her father to an early grave.
It seemed like she’d done everything just short of playing Russian roulette to get that sweet release of epinephrine, but this daredevil had one more trick up her sleeve. In her latest and most perilous stunt to date, Powell plans to espouse, cohabitate and possibly even procreate with her most dangerous natural predator, a man. As if that’s not the most badass, dumb shit idea you’ve ever heard, hold onto your hat, because it gets worse.
“She’s going white water rafting on her honeymoon with the man who took out a life insurance policy on her,” said Rachel Brown, Powell’s closest friend. “This makes her cage diving expedition last year in the Mariana Trench look like a trip to fucking Build-A-Bear.”
Detractors of Powell’s latest suicide mission are quick to remind her that intimate partner violence is one of the leading causes of death for a woman. Concerned coworkers have even pointed out that men are responsible for the atom bomb, female circumcision, and probably one hundred percent of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers, but these terrifying statistics have only piqued her interest.
“I was born with a devil on both shoulders,” said Powell. “Sleeping next to a man twice my size with little to no impulse control and a propensity for road rage is going to provide me with that surge of adrenaline I’ve been chasing my whole life. Just last week he threatened to burn the house down with me in it because he couldn’t put together a nightstand from Ikea. Now that’s a fucking rush.”
Adorable Biker Gang Wearing Matching Outfits
By DENVER — Local biker gang The Chaos Crusaders was reportedly riding around town in matching outfits, captivated and deafened sources confirmed.
“They’re a noisy group of boys but those charming vests with the matching patches are so sweet, I wonder what good deeds they did to earn them. It warms my heart to see men who aren’t ashamed to embrace their friendships and coordinate outerwear,” said local grandmother Emila Malia. “My granddaughter and her friends have similar vests. Her troop is selling cookies right now. They must be in some sort of adult girl scouts troop. Put me down for three boxes of Thin Mints, if they come to my door.”
The gang is working continuously to shake their reputation as a delightful sight on the streets.
“Look, man, these patches mean something, we’ve earned them by being peer pressured into doing outlaw shit. These jackets mean something. It’s about a life you can’t even begin to understand. And we’re tired of people yelling ‘twinsies!’ when we’re at the fucking grocery store,” said local motorcycle enthusiast Bobby Vidal. “The Chaos Crusaders are not some marching band with harmonized color schemes and matching hats. You see this 1% patch? That means I don’t give a fuck, unless you laugh at me for my jacket. That hurts.”
Therapist Ruby Shauna cautions that, while men in matching uniforms do have a visually pleasing aesthetic, they do spook easily and should be approached with caution.
“Fear is usually a motivator for animals to travel in packs and differentiate themselves from the masses. The Chaos Crusaders, while whimsical in their matching get-ups, are no exception,” said Shauna. “But fear does not equal aggression, for The Chaos Crusaders, they just may be searching for safety in numbers. They’re no different than penguins or llamas or any other adorable pack animal. The jackets also serve another purpose. Similar to a large family visiting Disneyland who all wear matching Goofy shirts and Mickey Mouse ears, these bikers are anxious about getting lost in a crowd. And a stranded biker can become frightened and lash out. In the industry we like to think of these jackets as their security blanket, and their bikes as a very loud pacifier.
At press time, The Chaos Crusades implemented a casual Friday policy in hopes to relax their otherwise strict outfit rules.
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Ketamine Distances Self From Elon Musk
BY Jus Kaplan
BERLIN — Emphasizing that it supports peace, love, unity, and respect, the drug ketamine has publicly distanced itself from Elon Musk, a well known user of the substance, sources confirmed.
“I do not agree with the politics of Elon or condone his recent erratic behavior. In fact, I consider him a danger to our country and its health,” said the horse tranquilizer commonly taken at raves, noting that Elon’s rhetoric and actions in the past few months were “unrelated to his use of me.”
“Some forms of myself are literally FDA approved now. Sure, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but that doesn’t make me inherently bad. Elon’s X, on the other hand, is completely toxic and unregulated. If you ask me, we should make that addictive scourge a Schedule III drug and bump me down a few levels.”
Fans of the drug were eager to back up ketamine’s statement.
“I’ve been with K a long time,” said Randall Landry, 36. “I can’t think of a single time I saw it with Elon. I would definitely remember something like that. It’s not something you’d easily forget, like what you had for lunch today, or the name of the person you’re dancing with, or how you got back home from the afters you were at.”
One Musk biographer disagreed with ketamine’s argument.
“We can see a distinct change in Elon’s behavior that started precisely when he began taking therapeutic doses of ketamine,” said Andrew Saxon, author of “K-Hole to Mars: South Africa’s Greatest Genius.” “He’s always been among the smartest individuals ever born, as evidenced by his brilliant idea of forcing Tesla to add his name to the list of founders despite the fact that all he did was invest some of his Paypal buyout long after the company was created.”
“Ketamine helped open his third eye, allowing him to see that he, the richest man in the history of the planet, was actually being unjustly oppressed by disenfranchised and vulnerable minorities. Without Special K, Elon may never have turned his attention away from fighting climate change and towards defeating the woke mind virus. The world should be grateful for ketamine’s contributions to the nascent Terran Empire.”
At press time, cocaine released a statement enthusiastically endorsing its “good friend” Donald Trump, Jr.
Report: Your Roommate Who Played “Return of the Obra Dinn” Also Really Enjoys Filing Taxes
BY PHILADELPHIA — A new report has found that your roommate, who recently played and thoroughly enjoyed the indie puzzle game “Return of the Obra Dinn,” is also quite fond of filing his federal, state and local taxes once April rolls around.
“Solving the identities of all these various crew members and logging them down in the game’s notebook gives me the exact same kind of rush as logging onto H&R Block’s website and submitting my W-2 and 1099 forms,” your roommate, Jake Hughes, said in a statement. “Everything in order, in its right place, submitted and accounted for. Who knew gaming could be this much fun?”
Lucas Pope, creator of “Return of the Obra Dinn,” confirmed to the press that the game was made specifically for people like Jake.
“After the success of my first major game, ‘Papers, Please,’ which was considered the world’s first ‘immigration-themed’ video game, I really wanted to continue exploring the ‘writing things down and filing them’ genre, which I felt there was a lot of potential in.” said Pope. “It’s a bit like doing your taxes, another activity I get a lot of fulfillment and enjoyment out of, and know a lot of other people do too. Writing things down, organizing information into categories, identifying people – what a rush! In order to suck in other people who might be disinterested by that at first, I disguised the tax-esque gameplay with a swashbuckling story about kraken, murder and mutiny. But all of that comes second, in my mind.”
In speaking with a representative from the IRS, he offered his appreciation of the game and its fans, like your roommate.
“Oh, Jake? Yeah, I love that guy. I think he beat ‘Return of the Obra Dinn’ like three separate times.” IRS agent Dave Binder told reporters. “We find that the further people get through ‘Return of the Obra Dinn’, the better they are at filing their taxes correctly. Those who get the true ending, revealing the fates of the final crew members, are always timely with their submissions, too, while those who gave up 75% of the way through typically go to jail.”
At press time, your roommate was observed scribbling down notes in his little notepad on the couch as he crossed off possible identities of crew members in-game, getting visibly excited as he turned a new page.
