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Hard Digest January 29: Early Access Sober Apps, Radiohead, Fingerboarding, and More
🕑 Added 2025-01-30 01:00:05 +0000 UTCSober App Not Mad, Just Disappointed
By Dom Turek
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Just days away from completing his dry January goal, local abstainer Adam Cowell gave in to mounting temptation and crushed a 30-rack this weekend, according to his dismayed sober app, who wasn’t angry, but very disappointed by the incident.
“It’s my fault for getting my hopes up,” said Refocus, a sobriety-tracking and support app for people who want to build healthier drinking habits by quitting completely or cutting back on consumption. “He’s done this to me before, but I thought this time might be different. He even posted on the community messageboard saying he couldn’t wait to enjoy a crisp N/A lager at his upcoming work party. I guess the latest daily quote I showed him from Nelson Mandela wasn’t enough to deter him.”
Cowell downloaded the app years ago after a particularly regrettable bender that resulted in six public urination tickets and mandatory court appearances spanning multiple state lines. Since then, Cowell redownloads the app sporadically when he feels the need to reexamine his drinking habits.
“I would rather have Refocus be mad at me than disappointed any day,” said Cowell. “I woke up completely obliterated in bed still wearing my winter coat and clutching a half-eaten breakfast burrito to a notification from the app congratulating me on making it to my 25-day sober milestone. To think that I used the app’s daily quote from Nelson Mandela ‘It always seems impossible until it’s done,’ as motivation to finish shotgunning a tall can at the end of the night is unconscionable.”
The Reframe app is a self-help app, which at its core is designed to help you achieve a goal, whether that be sobriety, sleep, anxiety, or just seeing what you would look like with bangs.
“This is going to sound crazy,” said Karren Schultz, head of an app development team, “But some apps seem to be gaining sentience. As technology advances, so does people’s reliance on it, which has led some apps to shortcircuit in ways we didn’t believe they were programmed to do so. For example, one app user complained to our company that after her sixth relapse on alcohol, her daily motivational quote just changed to an emoji holding up an ‘L’ to its forehead and making farting noises. It seems some apps can only handle so much letdown.”
During press time, Cowell was seen resetting the app back to day zero and begging Reframe for another chance before his free trial ran out.
Son, You’re 15 Now, It’s Time To Start Getting Pretentious About Radiohead
By Son, I remember what times were like when I was your age: the school crushes, the long, agonizing classes, the “locker room talk”…but maybe most importantly, the music. Oh man, oh man, we had some great bands back then – Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, the Red Hot Chili Peppers…some people even liked Third Eye Blind, I hear. I know high school is a weird time and it feels like everyone’s doing everything they can to fit in, but it’s hard. Well, take a lesson from your ol’ Pop: if you really want to stand out and be cool, then it’s time to start getting pretentious about Radiohead.
Fifteen is the perfect age to start developing some really rock-solid opinions on popular bands. You’re not an adult yet, but you’re also not a little boy, so maybe people will actually listen to what you have to say. Alright, here’s step one of the masterclass: insist that Kid A is Radiohead’s most interesting and thought-provoking album by a mile. Pablo Honey and The Bends are tired and worn out. OK Computer? Just OK. But to you, Kid A never gets old. The idiosyncratic and at times off-putting melodies woven throughout reflect a dark, mysterious understanding of the world that only your adolescent self truly relates to. I got that from Pitchfork, you can use it.
Also, you’re gonna want to boldly claim that you understand the lyrics to ‘Everything In Its Right Place’ on a fundamentally much deeper level than everyone else.
With that out of the way, it’s on to step two: dismiss all of their most popular songs outright. “Creep”, “No Surprises”, “High and Dry”…to you, all of them are overplayed. You’re fifteen now, that kind of normie shit is beneath you. You’re more of an “Optimistic” and “Dollars and Cents” kind of guy. This will demonstrate to your peers that you have listened to a lot of Radiohead and can even name some songs on their less popular albums. If anyone asks why you like those songs more, you can say that you like anti-consumerist messaging and find them more melodically interesting.
Oh, and here’s a word that you should burn into your brain: production. “The production is so forward-thinking and inventive.” That’ll really knock the socks off of your classmates.
Now, you’ll need to be prepared for a major curveball: what to do if one of your fellow Radiohead-discovering friends asks you for your opinion on In Rainbows. If this happens, don’t panic. Scrunch up your face as if you’re very deep in thought, and then reply that it depends on the day for you…on some you find it to be one of their more surprising and interesting “projects” (you’ve been watching a lot of Fantano recently), and on others it’s not as incisive or cutting as some of their previous albums. You also, on principle, don’t like mainstream tracks like “All I Need” or “Jigsaw Falling Into Place.”
These are just a few helpful tips and tricks to really stink up a room with your pretentious Radiohead takes. I leave the rest to you, son. Your pretentious journey is your own, and I’m sure you can find even more ways to piss people off and leave them wanting more. If you want to be with the “in” crowd, take these to heart, and as Thom Yorke once said, “Someone needs to tell the truth, but it shouldn’t be my job.” And it certainly isn’t yours, either.
Son, I’m proud of you for taking your first steps into a lifetime of making other music fans feel inferior. Just remember, if you ever catch yourself saying “Steeley Dan is actually good,” You’ve gone too far.
Tiny Cops Hassle Fingerboarding Teens
By Tim Graham
NORTH ATTLEBORO, Mass. — Several youths were ordered to stop playing with miniature skateboards by very small police officers outside the Emerald Square Mall, according to regular-sized witnesses.
“We were just innocently messing around with our fingerboards outside the movie theater. I was grinding a concrete planter when I heard this little siren,” said 14-year-old Andrew Slotnick as he fastened new trucks to his scaled-down skateboard. “I looked down and saw that a couple of little cops had pulled up in what looked like a toy police car. They were yelling at me and my friends to stop skateboarding. We thought they were joking at first, but then they brought out this tiny German Shepherd and we ran off. I’ve been bitten by a hamster before, which really hurt—and this dog was like guinea pig-sized.”
Officer Devin McCulloch was one of the diminutive patrolmen who rousted Slotnick and his friends.
“There was a clearly posted sign that read, ‘No Skateboarding’ and these kids were blatantly flouting the law,” said Officer McCulloch as he sipped coffee from a thimble. “That applies to skateboarding of any size. The NAPD Micro-Crimes Division faces a lot of unique challenges, but we don’t let our size prevent us from meting out the law. Don’t let our Lilliputian stature fool you—if a suspect tries anything funny, you better believe I’ll whip out my taser and give them the worst static shock they’ve ever felt.”
Leonard Panis, spokesman for the International Union of Police Associations, says recent influxes of funds have led to some remarkable advancements in law enforcement.
“Police departments across the country are seeing huge budget increases as cuts are made to less important social programs,” said Panis. “We’re putting that money toward groundbreaking technology like shrink rays, AR goggles that can tell us who a suspect voted for and autonomous robots that shoot pepper spray at sleeping homeless people until they leave. We’re currently working with a military contractor to develop decoy copies of leftist books containing dye packs that explode when opened so we can easily identify commies.”
At press time, spectators were seen recording a pair of tiny cops beating a homeless man on the shins with cute little nightsticks.
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Trump Presidency 2 Fails To Fix Stick Drift
BY Garry Kerls
PASADENA, Calif. — After eight long years, the wait for a second Trump Presidency is finally over. But as the Commander-in-chief eases his way into the most powerful position in American politics, eagle-eyed Trump fans have noticed the 78 year old man is still drifting forward, a defect that was expected to be fixed in this second iteration.
“Look at this tilt!” says MAGA supporter, Turk Mendelsen, holding a protractor up to a recent image of Trump meeting with California Governor Gavin Newsom. “That’s a 15 degree tilt. Now compare that to this image of Trump in 2017 giving a totally hinged press conference on the White House lawn. It’s the exact same bias! This was supposed to be a new and improved presidency, not the exact same. Who could have seen this coming?”
This noticeable drift isn’t the only abnormality Americans expected to be fixed in the four years since Trump was last in office. A major complaint regarding Trump’s first term was the amount of time he actually spent in office, an issue that seems to have had no influence on Trump’s first week of his second term.
“President Trump signed over 100 executive orders on day one,” says White House Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles. “And to him that accounts for 100 days in office, so naturally he’ll be spending the next three months on the golf course.”
Disappointed Republicans are still giving Trump the benefit of the doubt, while Democrats lament any thoughts they had that this next gen administration would be any different.
“You can’t just slap a coat of black paint on a MAGA hat and sell it to us for $500!” Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told viewers during a white wine fueled rant on Instagram live. “And the magnets! Give me a break about magnets, it’s literally the least they could’ve done.”
At press time, under Joe Rogan’s advice President Trump has begun applying WD-40 to his hips and knees in an attempt to fix his drifting.
Did Elon Actually Do A Nazi Salute? Here’s What We Know
BY Jus Kaplan
Yes
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