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Hard Digest January 30: Early Access Chrysler Building, Metal Shirts, Zyn, and More
🕑 Added 2025-01-31 01:00:04 +0000 UTCChrysler Building Admits It Would Have Been Nice to Have Been Thought of as Possible Target on 9/11
By Doug Kolic
NEW YORK — The Chrysler Building was recently overheard complaining that it wasn’t one of the buildings targeted by terrorists on 9/11, a close source with knowledge alleged.
“As a born and raised Manhattanite, I obviously love this place,” stated the aging Art Deco style building. “But if those terrorists wanted to give this city a real gut punch, why didn’t they target what used to be the tallest building in the world, specifically from November 1929 to May 1931? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to suffer the same fate as my pals down at One World Trade Center, but deep down not being thought of highly enough to be on those baddies’ hit list does hurt a little. Maybe people would appreciate me more if someone finally tried to take me out. Then they’d be sorry.”
The Empire State Building, which eclipsed the Chrysler Building as the world’s tallest when it opened in 1931, was tired of hearing it whine for so many years.
“Oh boy, here comes the trauma dump,” said the eighth current tallest building in NYC. “He fails to realize that if he were a target on that infamous day, he’d be a pile of dust by now. He’s like that annoying coworker who you don’t invite to your wedding because they always go on about how much they hate weddings, only for them to gripe when you don’t invite them. Honestly, I’d love to spend more time being a sounding board for his insecurities, but if you couldn’t tell by the lineup for my observation deck, I’m kind of busy here.”
Architect Guy Denis explained that it’s not uncommon for buildings to wish they were more popular.
“Just because these buildings are made of brick and mortar, doesn’t mean their hearts are,” said Denis. “Big cities change quickly. What was once a popular tourist destination over time loses its luster and gets overshadowed by something newer, taller, shiner. But oftentimes this insecurity is simply jealousy. Before he started rambling on about 9/11, Chrysler’s main axe to grind for years was not being chosen to be climbed by the titular beast in 1933’s ‘King Kong.’ That’s what we in the architectural world call a straight up petty little bitch.”
At press time, the Chrysler Building was evacuated after receiving an anonymous threat that many close acquaintances suspect it had made itself.
5 Reasons Why I’ve Vowed to Never Compliment a Random Person’s Metal Shirt in Public Ever Again
By Chris Bowen
Spotting someone in public wearing a shirt of a metal band you also like can immediately trigger a camaraderie that is seldom seen in other subcultures, but unfortunately, it just isn’t worth the risk.
Here are a few reasons why I will never make the mistake of acknowledging someone in public for their metal shirt ever again for as long as I live.
1.) Being Sued.
One time when I was in elementary school, I noticed a kid wearing a Metallica shirt. “Nice! Is that an original ‘Pushead’ shirt, or a bootleg?” I said. Next thing I knew, I was slapped with a defamation lawsuit. I had no idea what that even meant being a 12-year-old, but apparently his parents had friends in high places close to the Metallica camp. $50,000 dollars and one long arduous court battle later, I agreed to never publicly disparage the name Metallica again, but that was obviously physically impossible.
2.) Getting My Feelings Hurt from Being Called a “Poser.”
Once I told a random dude I thought his Bathory shirt was badass. Not only did he immediately call me “fake” and a “poser,” he proceeded to tell me he only wears the shirt just to fish for compliments, then call those people posers for liking Bathory. If you see someone who looks like the war metal or “kvlt” type, it’s best to just act like any of their potential mates, and pretend they just don’t exist.
3.) Batshit Right-Wing Political Tirades.
First you idiotically compliment a Slayer shirt, then they talk about Pantera, then Five Finger Death Punch, then you realize you’ve made a huge mistake and you’re listening to him go on about how he was there on January 6th and took a shit inside Pelosi’s desk. Now you’re an accomplice, and regretting that you ever liked “Show No Mercy” in the first place.
4.) Nearly Being Framed for Murder.
You rarely see people wearing shirts of more extreme bands like Cannibal Corpse out in public. Last time I gave the old “nice shirt!” to a guy in a Corpse’ shirt, he wouldn’t stop trying to get me to hold his ball peen hammer. I think he wanted to get my prints on it or something. I guess I should have considered the fact that he was wielding a hammer in a public park before telling him how cool his shirt was.
5.) Unknowingly Giving Dave Mustaine a Compliment.
I let a guy know I thought his Megadeth shirt was cool, and it was immediately clear he was unimpressed. He told me his washer and dryer were on the fritz, and it was the last shirt he had. He then told me how much he hated Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield and that it was all their fault that Lowes sold him defective appliances. That’s when I noticed the weird angry lips and realized it was actually Dave Mustaine. It’s a pain I will never forget.
Punk Suggests Cigarettes to Friend Trying to Quit Zyn
By EDMONDS, Wash. — Local punk Joe Solomon suggested his friend Donald Dell ditch his crippling Zyn addiction by switching to cigarettes, confirmed sources who were still entertaining the idea.
“Donald needs to face his nicotine addiction head-on and what better way to do that by swapping out the Zyns with Marlboros,” Solomon said while lighting a new cigarette. “There are just so many benefits to smoking. For one, everyone is disgusted by you. You smell terrible, have to go outside, and get dirty looks from strangers. It’s way more punk than hiding a Zyn under your lip like some corporate stooge. Plus, we don’t even know the long-term effects of Zyn. For all we know you could die of cancer after a lifetime of abusing it. I don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest Parliament Lights are harmful. Not to mention, just think of all the smoke breaks you are missing out on!”
Dell was skeptical of Solomon’s advice, albeit hopeful.
“I never even smoked before, but now I’ve got a Zyn lodged in my gums all the time,” said Dell, a sales associate who spiraled into nicotine pouch dependency after hearing a sponsored segment about them on a podcast. “I can’t even sit through a meeting without one. My stomach’s all messed up, my gums are wrecked, and I’ve started ordering stronger ones from Sweden off the internet. However, I recently bought a pack of American Spirits and can’t wait to use them to finally kick the nicotine habit.”
Experts, however, aren’t sold on the punk-approved detox plan.
“I’ll admit, there is a strange logic here,” said Dr. Angela Lu, an addiction expert carefully choosing her words. “In theory, switching to cigarettes could help someone wean off Zyn. But you’re essentially trading one bad habit for another. Still, it might be easier to control your nicotine consumption due to the social stigma surrounding smoking. Regardless, quitting nicotine is going to cause some uncomfortable withdrawals, so I would suggest it is better to go cold turkey. Whatever you do, just do not start using a vape. If you’re going to have an addiction to nicotine, at least look cool while you’re doing it.”
At press time, Dell was seen outside a bar smoking a cigarette while slipping a nicotine pouch under his lip.
Elon Musk’s White House Office Revealed to be Just a Ball Pit
BY WASHINGTON — The office Elon Musk has been given inside of the second Trump White House is reported to have been retrofitted to function as a ball pit.
Chief of Staff Susie Wiles says the ball pit was installed at Musk’s personal request.
“He told us that he works better when he can pretend he’s at a McDonald’s PlayPlace, or Chuck E. Cheese,” Wiles told the press. “So far all I’ve seen him do in there is laugh at memes he’s stolen and reposted on his X – The Everything App account, scream at someone on the phone about why it’s taking so long for his latest Path of Exile II hardcore character to be ready for him to use, and ask every staffer who walks by if they’d like to, ‘fondle his balls’.”
Posting on X – The Everything App, Musk insisted whatever he’s doing in his new office is in the official capacity of the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE.
“Those infected by the Woke Mind Virus will believe any lie they’re told by the Deep State!🤣🤣🤣,” Musk wrote, “It’s not a ‘ball pit’, it’s a revolutionary office layout that’s been designed to maximize the most hardcore results when you’re literally saving the planet, like I am. First they said I wasn’t actually that smart, and that every success I’ve had in life was due to having the capital to make up for my lack of any real talent! Then they said ‘Oh, Elon is a Nazi!’ because I threw my heart out to the crowd during the inauguration. Sorry, but how many Nazis do you know who have ever set foot in Auschwitz? No Nazis have ever been there! Suddenly believing and saying all the things that Nazis say and believe makes you a Nazi, but that is just so ignorant. Wearing those really cool uniforms, that’s what makes you a Nazi.”
President Trump, who has been busy making good on his promise to improve the lives of Americans by renaming the “Gulf of Mexico” to the “Gulf of America”, and pardoning everyone who illegally stormed the Capitol spoke in defense of Musk at his most recent rally.
“Elon is a great guy. We love Elon, don’t we folks? That’s why we gave him those balls. They’re wonderful, very colorful, let me tell you. He said he hoped it might make his kids visit – why the hell would he want that- I don’t know. I can’t seem to get rid of my own kids! But we love this little thing called money. And that’s what it’s about, isn’t it folks?” Trump said between riffs. “And now these radical leftists, fascist, Marxist, Democrats are saying he’s a Nazi, folks, can you- richest man –even richer than me if you can believe it– is a Nazi! Frankly, I don’t know if there ever was a thing called a ‘Nazi’. The whole “Holocaust” thing sounds like it was made up by George Soros to impose his radical leftist agenda.”
At press time, Musk was trying to fish his phone from the bottom of the ballpit in his office so he could post another “kek” for his “frens”.
For No Reason in Particular Here’s a Bunch of Games Where You Kill Nazis
BY Matt Fresh
The Nazis are the most despicable scum to ever walk the face of the earth. Thankfully they were defeated in World War 2 and have been extinct ever since. Yep, that was the end of them. They were handedly defeated and have stayed dead. They certainly haven’t been festering in the shadows for decades, infiltrating all facets of society and corrupting everything until the Nazi belief system became openly popular among people, mostly men, who have never been able to reckon with the real reasons no one likes them and they’ve never experienced what it’s like for a single human being to ever truly love them.
What a crazy thing that would be, certainly way too outlandish to ever be plausible because like I said the Nazis have been extinct since basically the entire world beat the shit out of them because they were widely recognized as the clear bad guys of modern history. They’re dead and never coming back. And they certainly won’t end up controlling the American government after the American people elect an openly fascist administration who employs people who openly sieg heil on a national stage with no repercussions. Where would you get that insane idea?
Anyway, for no reason in particular, here’s a list of games where you get to kill Nazis because killing Nazis is fun and has been since at least 1939.
Various Call of Dutys
Once upon a time, before the Nazi killing was reserved for online lobbies, Call of Duty had games take place in World War 2. These games let you kill Nazis in glorious Michael Bay-like set pieces and if there’s anything better than killing Nazis, it’s killing hundreds of them in glorious explosions for 7 hours straight. And if you wanted more you could kill all the Nazis again in Nazi Zombie mode.
Various Medal of Honors
Before there was Call of Duty, there was Medal of Honor and frankly it’s a shame that Call of Duty won out because Medal of Honor was awesome. Spearheaded by Steven Spielberg himself, the Medal of Honor games were absolute gems with good stories, good level design and most importantly, lots of Nazi killing.
Indiana Jones and the Great Circle
You know what’s better than shooting Nazis to death? Beating them to death with any blunt object you can find. You know what’s even better than that? Beating them to death with your bare hands. Those are all things that you can do in Indiana Jones and the Great Circle and it is glorious.
The Saboteur
The Saboteur is a cool game where you play as a cool Irishman who helps fight back against the Nazi occupation of Paris. Not only do you kill tons of Nazis in this but you also completely disrupt their operations and that’s a nice little cherry on top. And since this takes place in 1940s France, the soundtrack consists solely of old jazz songs and that’s extra cool. Killing Nazis is sweet but killing them to the sultry tunes of Ella Fitzgerald, that’s pure bliss.
South Park: The Stick of Truth
Despite being a turn based RPG where all the kids are playing a fantasy LARP, South Park: The Stick of Truth still has the decency to include Nazi zombies for you to kill and fart on. Say what you want about Matt and Trey but even they know that every game genre and setting is improved when you include the ability to kill Nazis.
Every Competitive Multiplayer Game
If you are playing a video online against other gamers, it doesn’t matter what you are playing, you’re eventually going to be placed in a match where someone on the other team (and let’s face it, your team) is a Nazi.
Sniper Elite
The Sniper Elite games are a gift to this world because they understand that the only thing more satisfying than shooting a Nazi in the balls is watching the bullet tear through their tiny tesitcles in glorious slow motion x-ray vision.
Zombie Army
Speaking of Sniper Elite, unlike those cowards making Call of Duty, the people making Sniper Elite were smart enough to realize that killing Nazi zombies should not be relegated to an extra mode, there should be four full games dedicated to it.
Captain America Super Soldier
Released as the movie tie-in to Captain America: The First Avenger, this game is essentially a clone of Batman: Arkham Asylum except instead of beating up thugs from New Jersey as Batman, you’re beating up Nazis as Captain America. Because that’s what real patriots do, they beat the shit out of Nazis.
Bloodrayne
Before there was Bayonetta, there was Bloodrayne. These two hack n’ slash hotties have a couple key differences. For one, Bayonetta is a witch, Bloodrayne is a vampire. Bayonetta has glasses, Bloodrayne is a red head and unfortunately neither of them have both of those characteristics. But the main difference is Bayonetta kills demons and Bloodrayne kills Nazis. This makes Bloodrayne better by default.
Company of Heroes
So what if the Nazis are teeny tiny in COH, aren’t all Nazis teeny tiny. I can’t right click those fucks to death fast enough. The only thing worse than a Nazi is Company of Heroes 2.
Wolfenstein
The cream of the crop when it comes to Nazi killing games. You can’t go wrong with any of the Wolfenstein games. In fact you should just play them all. This series essentially created the first person shooter genre. That’s right, FPS games, like all good things, were born out of the act of killing Nazis. Go kill robot Hitler in Wolfenstein 3D. Go slaughter every Nazi in sight when you Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Go disintegrate Nazis into piles of goo in the underrated Wolfenstein from 2009. Become the ultimate Nazi killing machine in Wolfenstein: The New Order and Wolfenstein: The New Colossus. B.J. Blaskowitz is the greatest hero in the history of the universe because he has only one goal, one purpose, one function, and that’s to ruthlessly slaughter Nazis.
Path of Exile 2
There is PvP in Path of Exile 2 and at least one known Nazi player. Go ahead and kill him when his Boosting Ground worker is off the clock.
